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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found a positive pregnancy test in DSDs bedroom. DH will want her out. What the fuck do I do.

705 replies

K1092902 · 07/07/2017 22:21

I'm in actual genuine shock.

This isn't one of those "my teenage child is better behaved than your teenage child" because it isnt. She is far from perfect but She knows she can tell me anything and I will 100% support her decision on things.

Anyway- on to the topic.

DSD has been working hard all week and took DD out today as I was feeling unwell. She usually does her own laundry and ironing so I decided to do it for her today. Went to put some t shirts away in her drawers and found a positive pregnancy test. Thinking about it (and I know this sounds odd in a way) but I haven't cleaned out any sanitary products from her bathroom bin in the last 2 or 3 months. I know she has been sleeping with someone and she insisted she was taking precautions but as we all know accidents can happen. I assumed she was on the pill as my periods stopped when I was on it a couple of years ago

I was out when she came back with DD and she is now at work until half 12. I'm going to sit and have a chat with her and I know she is either going to be really upset because she doesn't know what to do or angry because she feels I have invaded her personal space- I genuinely didn't go looking for it. I opened the drawer and saw the end peaking out of a pair of slipper socks and knew straight away what it was.

DH is going to be fuming and will probably want to kick her out (can say this with 90% certainty). I will support her decision 100%.

She is 18 (just)

OP posts:
lucyandpoppy123 · 08/07/2017 23:12

I have been on both sides with this.

Found out I was pregnant at 18, was half way through AS levels at the time, partner not supportive and didn't want to tell my parents - who I lived with. Had a termination and it was something I massively struggled with even though on paper it wasn't a good time to have a child. I had anxiety and depression after that. Not saying that is everyones experience but it is worth baring in mind that it can be very difficult and traumatic and the effects can be long lasting. That was my own personal experience.

fast forward two years, I'm 20, I've finished my A levels and done my first year at Uni, I've just moved into my first flat with my boyfriend and I get pregnant again. And I continue with the pregnancy, DD is now two, and I'm just about to go into my final year at Uni. Yes, it is difficult. Yes, you may have to take a year out of Uni or study part time for some of the degree. The financial support from student finance is reasonable and they even pay up to £150 a week in nursery fees. I would get her to thoroughly research all the options.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/07/2017 23:12

Fecking hell, it's scary how some people's minds work.

RequestingSunshine. Seriously?! Give your head a wobble.

SparklyMagpie · 08/07/2017 23:15

requestingsunshine your follow on comment is even worse!!

If my husband said that to me, that'd be it!

You've been through this with your own mother, you should know better!

How fucking offensive

Yukbuck · 08/07/2017 23:22

I'm very offended by your comments. requestingsunshine
I'm hurt that you'd use cancer as something to then make light of a pregnancy.
Can I tell you that the day I found out my mother had cancer, my father sat me down and the moment the words came out of his mouth I broke down in hysterics. I cried so much that he couldn't get a word in. So if the op told her dh who's to say he wouldn't have the same reaction? I can't believe you'd put that pain on someone unnecessarily. You should know how horrible it is.

requestingsunshine · 08/07/2017 23:31

Well I haven't meant to offend anyone and I'm sorry if I did. To me cancer is perhaps the worst thing anyone could tell me. If someone said that to me and then told me my dd was only pregnant I'd be so bloody relieved.

My point was that here is a man who , potentially, is willing to throw his dd onto the street for being pregnant. Perhaps he needs a bit of a shock wake up call to put things into perspective a bit. In that her situation could be far far worse. Clearly I haven't explained my point very well. It certainly wouldn't be said as a joke, more as a, which of those would you want to be true? I'd give my right arm to not have something like that be true. I'd take a pregnant dd over that any day.

ArchieStar · 08/07/2017 23:32

Not sure if this has been suggested by anyone...

If your DSD is sure she wants to go to uni but also is considering following pregnancy through, she could always speak to them and ask them to defer her to either march start (course depending) or the September after, in which case her offer (if it isn't already) will become unconditional for the next intake as they can see her as a guarantee of tuition fees etc.

She is so so so lucky to have you to speak to, most stepmums are made out to be the devil incarnate, you (and many others I know) prove that wrong.

SparklyMagpie · 09/07/2017 00:57

No requestingsunshine yet again you're following comments are making it worse.

How can you think your comments about lying about something so horrific an serious wouldn't offend posters?

It should never be acceptable to come out with something like that EVER! I think its you that isn't understanding .

The more you try to " explain " the worse you're coming across.

You really need to have a big long think, i am utterly shocked and distusted you're trying to justify what you've said.

Says something that nobody has agreed with you hey?

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2017 01:09

I can see what requestingsunshine is trying to say.

She is saying that the DH/father needs to be shown that there are a hell of a lot of things that are worse than your adult daughter being pregnant. He needs to have it made clear to him that chucking her out for being pregnant is not on. And she is right. Perhaps a shock would do that.

However.......Requesting there were many better ways that you could have made that point without telling him she has cancer.

SparklyMagpie · 09/07/2017 01:23

Oh no i get what shes trying to say but to be that extreme to shock, i don't agree with.

There are other ways

LeakyLittleBoat · 09/07/2017 01:32

I also get what requestingsunshine was trying to say, very clumsily and with a horrible Inequivalency true but even so I don't think any offense was intended and I think she's had enough of a butt-kicking, any more is just gratuitous piling on.

DH might need some kind of shock treatment but I honestly believe that if OP stands firm and makes clear that any Victorian throwback thought of disowning his dd because of the pregnancy will be a dealbreaker as far as their marriage is concerned that'll do the trick.

theancientmarinader · 09/07/2017 01:33

Professional counselling while she makes a decision. I had an abortion at 18 in very similar circumstances (I was actually half way through my first year - the father was my boyfriend from home. When I told him he said 'let me know when you get rid of it.') The decision to get rid of him was easier than the decision about the baby, but I've never regretted either of them. I didn't ever tell my parents. None of their beeswax.
Have three children now and can categorically say that the abortion has had zero effect on my life.

HappenedForAReisling · 09/07/2017 02:05

Make sure DSD didn't lose her mother to cancer before pulling that blinder on DH Hmm

Neutrogena · 09/07/2017 06:11

Keep us updated OP with what happens please.

Henrythehoover · 09/07/2017 06:35

Hope you and dsd are ok. She is really lucky to have you. When I found out I was pregnant at 20 my mum got me on the phone to book an abortion and when I said I couldn't go through with it I was told that is have to move out. So I ended up moving to a flat with a man I didn't really like. My dad had died 3 years before and I'd never felt more alone in my life. The weirdest part was my mum was a teenage mum herself.

It's strange looking back at it now as my mum dotes on the children and acts like that all never happened.

So as I said she is so lucky to have you.

fishfingerSarnies · 09/07/2017 06:47

You sound lovely op. Good luck to you and your DSD

I just wanted to say I had an abortion and have never regretted it, I felt it would have been selfish of me to keep a baby when I was still too young to care for it properly.

Doesn't mean it's right for everyone of course I just wanted to say it's not the end of the world and a life long regret which is so often the image portrayed.

Whatsername17 · 09/07/2017 07:22

I didn't mean that adoption and termination were the same. I put 'equally traumatising' when I didn't mean that. What I meant was there is trauma attached to both. My aunt was forced to give up a baby in the 80s through family pressure. She's never gotten over it. The pain radiates from her. She's one of those lovely people with a smiling face and sad eyes. A couple of my friends had medical abortions (which, if the ops dsd is a couple of months pregnant she would face too) and the physical experience left them traumatised. My own personal view is that, long term, a termination would be less traumatic for me, but I'm a mum so I have experience to fall back on. This young girl doesn't. It might seem like an easy thing to give a baby to a desperate couple, but I actually can't think of anything harder. On the other hand, one of my friends has never forgiven herself for terminating and thinks that her subsequent struggles to ttc and early mc were 'punishment'. Obviously it isnt, but she puts herself through hell on a daily basis and its hars to watch. I know not everyone will feel the same regarding adoption or termination which is why I think the op needs to try and find someone for the did to talk to about the impact of her choice. I'm not sure she can be fully prepared for either but she needs more than just the support of her family. Hope your dsd is ok, op. Sorry to anyone who has been through adoption or termination whom my post upsets - I know this is mumsnet but I only post if I think I can be helpful. I don't post to upset people. This is such a sensitive issue and not everyone will agree.

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 09/07/2017 09:25

She's very lucky to have you as a Mum. I hope everything works out Flowers

NameChange30 · 09/07/2017 09:29

Whats
"I didn't mean that adoption and termination were the same. I put 'equally traumatising' when I didn't mean that. What I meant was there is trauma attached to both."
Not necessarily. You said it yourself:
"I know not everyone will feel the same regarding adoption or termination."
In other words, not everyone will find it traumatic. Just because you know people who did find it traumatic doesn't mean others don't.

NameChange30 · 09/07/2017 09:30

Whats
" I think the op needs to try and find someone for the did to talk to about the impact of her choice."
We do agree on that, and I've said the same myself - more than once on this thread.

BlueAndYou · 09/07/2017 09:55

I find it quite appalling that a clinic would knowingly provide a woman in dsd's shoes with a video of the "baby"

Private ultrasounds don't give videos for early pregnancy/dating scans as far as I'm aware.

And the clinic wouldn't know her circumstances? Confused

BlueAndYou · 09/07/2017 09:58

lucyandpoppy You usually see a patten when people didn't really want the termination/regret it afterwards - they usually fall pregnancy again relatively shortly or can suffer with anxiety and depression.

Congratulations on your lovely DD Flowers

Children are amazing and there are ways around sticky situations if that's what the OP's DSD wants

ComputerUserNotTrained · 09/07/2017 10:20

Blue, it was suggested upthread that a private scan would be a good option and that they provide videos. Given the dsd hasn't yet decided her course of action, this would be a terrible idea and hugely irresponsible of the scanning centre.

Having said that, I know that they used to (possibly still do) offer scans on stalls at baby shows, so there are at least some unscrupulous scanning companies out there. People really will make money out of anything, given half a chance.

anchor9 · 09/07/2017 10:45

if she wants to keep it she could defer her uni place and have a mat leave year:

as someone who has recently had a baby it's hard to imagine what having a baby with the expectation and reality of adoption would do to a woman/how painful that would be Sad

Laura1206 · 09/07/2017 11:14

What a wonderful step mum you are x

whatonearth21 · 09/07/2017 11:45

Threads like these show a strange split on MN.

I am all for providing young adults with help, support, guidance, etc and am.appalled by the notion that this young womans father would want her out.

However, I have seen several threads on here about young people paying rent regardless of parental need or ability of the adult child to pay.

There was a thread about a barely 20 yo dd who was living at home, at uni, working part time, doing exercise classes and had lost 3 stone. Her mum wanted 15% of her income just because. She admitted on page one she didnt need the money at all but thought dd was a piss taker and should pay up. The loss of income would really affect dd but the op by her own admission didnt need it.

The thread whipped up many posters into a frenzy with several saying dd was a bloody adult and should get out and pay hall fees, or take out a £3k maintenance loan to pay rent with. Shock How stupid to suggest she takes on £3000 of debt to pay rent to her mother that she didnt even need.

On this thread it is unanimous that they should support an adult pregnant dd and the child of course when it comes and throwing her out is anathema. I would agree entirely that she should be supported.

But I wonder why there is such a split with opinions on other young people with almost all.posters saying at 18 they can pay their way or get the fuck out regardless of their ability to do so.