Found a positive pregnancy test in DSDs bedroom. DH will want her out. What the fuck do I do.

[K1092902]

I'm in actual genuine shock.

This isn't one of those "my teenage child is better behaved than your teenage child" because it isnt. She is far from perfect but She knows she can tell me anything and I will 100% support her decision on things.

Anyway- on to the topic.

DSD has been working hard all week and took DD out today as I was feeling unwell. She usually does her own laundry and ironing so I decided to do it for her today. Went to put some t shirts away in her drawers and found a positive pregnancy test. Thinking about it (and I know this sounds odd in a way) but I haven't cleaned out any sanitary products from her bathroom bin in the last 2 or 3 months. I know she has been sleeping with someone and she insisted she was taking precautions but as we all know accidents can happen. I assumed she was on the pill as my periods stopped when I was on it a couple of years ago

I was out when she came back with DD and she is now at work until half 12. I'm going to sit and have a chat with her and I know she is either going to be really upset because she doesn't know what to do or angry because she feels I have invaded her personal space- I genuinely didn't go looking for it. I opened the drawer and saw the end peaking out of a pair of slipper socks and knew straight away what it was.

DH is going to be fuming and will probably want to kick her out (can say this with 90% certainty). I will support her decision 100%.

She is 18 (just)

My parents said the same to me about if I got pregnant young/out of wedlock (thrown out and disowned). When I was 21 and had just split up with a long term boyf my mum asked when I would be getting married and giving her grandchildren. In retrospect I think it was their method of birth control. And it worked. I was absolutely petrified of having a child out of wedlock.

Trulyfubar - I was adopted 35 years ago and have always been sure that I don't want to go looking for my birth mother, as my adoptive mother is the one that has brought me up and I know it would upset her. I had never really thought about it from the position of my birth mother (probably deliberately) until now but it breaks my heart that she could be as distressed about it as you are.

My cousin got pg at 18. Her father had died, so my father was very much her father figure.

He was full of contempt for her. Although he was generally a very nice guy, he felt that she was wasting her life, had screwed her chances of going to university and having a career, yadda yadda yadda. He immediately took my sister and I to the gyn to sort out contraception (I was 11 at the time, my sister 13!).

My dad died over 20 years ago, and I lost touch with my cousin. I recently came across her, as she was accepting yet another professorship in another european university (we are from a third world country, so this is a very big deal). She has a fantastically successful career, and is happy and fulfilled. She just did it after her children, rather than before.

I confess coming across that made me do one of the biggest mental high fives I've done in my life.

what a lovely step mum you are. I do hope that your DSD makes the right decision for her. Are you near a Brook centre? They do very good pregnancy option counselling.

Hi OP, my thoughts are with you at this time. It's not the end of the world, whatever DSD chooses, either way.

You say you don't remember seeing any signs of her using sanitary products for 2/3 months. Is that right? If so, I hate to sound pressing but she's going to need to consider antenatal care if she does want to keep the pregnancy, she could be coming up to 12 weeks+.

I would've been in the same school year as your DSD, I think. I am 19. I'm pregnant.

However, I don't think I could have been able to have a child in your DSD situation... I'm quite old at heart and I do have a fair set up. DSD sounds as if a lot of financial and emotional support would be required from the family, is this correct? Not only that but she sounds as if she quite enjoys her youth and has things like Uni on her horizons. I left school at 16ish and I'm very fortunate to have a very well paid and stable job now.

I am getting married in August, DP is 25 so quite a lot older and again well settled with a good job and our own home.

Is this something your DSD imagined for herself and really wants? Does she want a 'family family'. What are her expectations from this situation, if she decides to go through with it?

These are all things to go through with her.

I don't think 18 is extremely young but the initial set up of an 18 year old often isn't great, if that makes sense:

Whatever she chooses to do, you sound bloody amazing. As does your DM.

Good luck with anything and everything

Liara could you get in touch with her? I bet she'd love to her from you.

K thank goodness she has you

hear not her..

You sound amazing

I found out I was pregnant at the start of my second year at uni. I can't stress enough how incredible the staff at the uni were. I went in for a meeting expecting them to tell me off and kick me out of the course - they were the very first people to congratulate me on the pregnancy rather than treating it like the end of the world, and their reaction sticks in my mind almost 4 years later.

They gave me the option to defer my studies for a year, to carry on until the midway point and then defer, or to keep going. (I was too indecisive/stubborn and kept going, had DD on the last full day of second year and handed in a couple of essays when she was two weeks old ) but the point is, she won't be the first pregnant student and she certainly won't be the last, and they'll be able to help her decide what path to take. She's lucky to have you there to help her decide too!

Obviously that's if she decides to go through with the pregnancy, she may not. Either way, please continue to be there with her every step of the way, you sound absolutely amazing

"I've encouraged her to join a website similar to this to get some advice herself to help support her"
Which website? Mumsnet is great but it's no substitute for impartial counselling with a trained professional. I've seen it on this thread and see it on others all the time - some posters can be very anti abortion opinionated when it comes to decisions like these. I expect other websites will be the same. Please, please encourage your DSD to get professional counselling from a Brook centre (as jober suggested) or similarly suitable organisation.

Whats
"Putting a baby up for adoption can leave life long scars on the mum. It isn't an easy thing to do and certainly not easier than an abortion, which is equally traumatic."
I strongly disagree. Unless you've done both, how can you say they're equally traumatic? I just cannot imagine that an early abortion feels the same as giving up a baby for adoption after going through pregnancy and childbirth Plenty of women have an abortion and don't regret it.

Truly

Op can she clearly say how far gone she is? Because if not I think a (private for speed) dating scan urgently would be a good idea. Because that is pretty vital to considering options.

Op you sound like an absolutely amazing step mum. Your dsd is very lucky to have you (and your mum!)

I hope your DH does not Ruin things from here on, and your dsd makes the right decision for her x

DD2 had announced a few months ago that she'd been to the maternity hospital and had some interesting pictures taken;!.

Never mind the Uni course, that'll keep, still been fun kitting out the nursery and best of all one is to become a grand daddy:)

With a Son, so at least i have someone to go train spotting with in a few years:-)

Private scan is a really good idea, it sounds crazy but if your DH does get upset it might help make it all more real for him and rather than him focusing on DD being pregnant, seeing a pic of the actual baby may help him come round to the idea more. You sound like one lovely lady OP

They usually cost no more than £70-£100 and you usually get pics and a video of baby moving

Have you spoken to your DH about this?

Surely, it would be better to discuss with him sooner, rather than later. I feel that if he doesn't have the angry reaction you are expecting, you may well be putting your relationship in jeopardy when there is no need.

"Private scan is a really good idea, it sounds crazy but if your DH does get upset it might help make it all more real for him and rather than him focusing on DD being pregnant, seeing a pic of the actual baby may help him come round to the idea more."
"They usually cost no more than £70-£100 and you usually get pics and a video of baby moving"

She hasn't decided whether to continue with the pregnancy yet. If she is leaning towards adoption or abortion, the last thing she needs is a video of the baby (foetus, actually) moving.

FFS.

LoKeKi
"Have you spoken to your DH about this?"
The OP has already told us that her DSD has asked her not to tell him until she's made her decision. The OP is respecting her DSD's wishes. And rightly so.

Re Adoption v abortion.

Have experience (sort of) of both.

When I was 17 I found out I was 7 months pg with DS. No problem, thought the naive me, I will have the baby adopted. I was down to the very last minute to make a decision. The social worker and foster mother were literally in the waiting room at the hospital to take him. I had to decide. In the end I decided I simply couldnt give him up. It was the most horrific day of my life, such a huge decision resting on my young desperate and highly pressured (by my mother, to give him up) family. Saying "No, I want to keep him" was terrifying as I thought I would be chucked out but it was a testament to how i felt about him once he was born that I felt the strength to say no to all those people telling me that it would be the best for him.

I later had to have a termination. It was in a situation where I didnt want to terminate emotionally and I was frightened of the procedure but it had to be done. It was over and done with very quickly and was a hell of a lot less traumatising than everything I went through with DS.

If she comes down on not wanting to keep the baby then she will need some good counselling to help her with the reality of giving a child up at birth. It isnt something I would recommend to anyone with a choice in the matter.

OP you are handling this so well.
Definitely second some counselling to help her process things, and book a GP appointment to get her in the system, whatever choice she makes.

OP

Also, I am wondering why you think your DH will be upset about DSDs baby due to you trying to conceive, and it taking three years to conceive your DD, yet, you yourself are fine with it? I mean I am not wondering why you are fine with it, I am wondering why you think DH would have such an issue with his daughter being pregnant due to your TTC journey when it's a journey you've both shared and it hasn't severely impacted (negatively) your view on DSD's pregnancy. Do you not think there's a chance your DH will actually not relate your TTC journey to his daughter's pregnancy?

I would be worried that, if she sought advice from the wrong quarters, dsd might be taken in by stories of what an amazing thing it is to give up a child for adoption.

The dsd's welfare is the priority here, not other people's and not even the potential baby's

I'd want to know that she knows just how many women have had terminations, and that whilst unplanned pregnancy can be traumatic, abortion doesn't have to be.

What a truly amazing step-mum you are!

I was in a similar position when I was 18 and the support of my parents was the only thing that kept me going at the time. I didn't choose to have the baby (something to this day I still feel deeply sad about) but having my parents there to help deal with the emotional aftermath that came with it was priceless. They didn't personally agree with my choice but had my back 100% regardless.

And Re: speaking to DH, frankly if she does decide to not go ahead with the pregnancy then he never needs to know. So I think she is absolutely right to not tell her dad unless he needs to know and only then when she has absolutely decided what to do.

THinking further about the abortion thing, offer to help her get counselling about it. Many women are worried about abortion as they dont know what it will be like, they are worried about seeing an actual baby coming out of them if they go down the medical route (although she may be too far along for that), or it being a major op when surgical. A lot of the fear comes from ignorance of how these things work, I know it was for me before mine, so helping her to find out what its actually like may make it easier for her to decide.

I've never had an abortion although I did have a miscarriage at 16 weeks (for years I considered this 'punishment') and I can honestly say that my grief for a child who would never be in the world was minute in comparison to my grief for my child who IS in the world without me; hopefully having experienced a lovely life. Having my other children served to remind me of every milestone I missed despite my happiness with my role as a Mum. My other children were all boys (to the same Dad as her) so I never experienced being a Mum to a daughter.

I'm sure there are other women on here for whom adoption was the right choice for them. Perhaps with more than 10 days to think about it, it might have been the right choice for me. I doubt that though and couldn't advise anyone to do it based on my experience of it.
I guarantee that I'm not unique among Birth Mothers. My own daughter has chosen not to find me which, if I'm honest, kills me. I thought 'if I can just get through 18 years' but there's been no end for me. It's unbelievably hard.

So glad your DSD has you to support her