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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found a positive pregnancy test in DSDs bedroom. DH will want her out. What the fuck do I do.

705 replies

K1092902 · 07/07/2017 22:21

I'm in actual genuine shock.

This isn't one of those "my teenage child is better behaved than your teenage child" because it isnt. She is far from perfect but She knows she can tell me anything and I will 100% support her decision on things.

Anyway- on to the topic.

DSD has been working hard all week and took DD out today as I was feeling unwell. She usually does her own laundry and ironing so I decided to do it for her today. Went to put some t shirts away in her drawers and found a positive pregnancy test. Thinking about it (and I know this sounds odd in a way) but I haven't cleaned out any sanitary products from her bathroom bin in the last 2 or 3 months. I know she has been sleeping with someone and she insisted she was taking precautions but as we all know accidents can happen. I assumed she was on the pill as my periods stopped when I was on it a couple of years ago

I was out when she came back with DD and she is now at work until half 12. I'm going to sit and have a chat with her and I know she is either going to be really upset because she doesn't know what to do or angry because she feels I have invaded her personal space- I genuinely didn't go looking for it. I opened the drawer and saw the end peaking out of a pair of slipper socks and knew straight away what it was.

DH is going to be fuming and will probably want to kick her out (can say this with 90% certainty). I will support her decision 100%.

She is 18 (just)

OP posts:
PrincessHairyMclary · 08/07/2017 20:43

If she wants to keep the baby then she maybe able to defer for a year or two and many unis have family housing now, alternatively the OU could be an alternative it's cheaper than going to a brick uni and perfect for her circumstances she will still be eligible for student finance loans, help with childcare whether she does it full or part time.

TeenAndTween · 08/07/2017 20:45

Posters seem to be talking like there are only 2 options: keep and raise the baby, or abortion.

There are 2 other options: relinquish the baby for adoption, or keep baby but baby is raised in term time at least (or full time) by the OP and her DH.

Also a 5th: the baby's father raises the child.

I'm not saying that is what the OP's DSD should do, just that these are also options.

Eggsellent · 08/07/2017 20:47

Shes so lucky to have you op Thanks

Buxtonstill · 08/07/2017 20:47

Good luck to your DSD, I hope it all works out for her. She is lucky to have someone so solid and loving as you in her life.

AnAcademic · 08/07/2017 20:47

I teach at 'a very good university' and am involved in admissions decisions and settling new students in. We have had pg undergrads in the past. They've been able to take 'maternity leave' from the course and we've been able to arrange assessments around the time they've taken off. There is also help with accommodation, funding and nursery etc. So far they've done very well on returning. If she wants to continue the pregnancy and the course then she should find that there's a lot of support to do so.

Is she waiting for A-level results? She might find that they won't get into the details till that is confirmed but she should be able to speak to student services about what might be on offer.

user1493630944 · 08/07/2017 20:50

I am just amazed at the extent of the positivity around teenage motherhood on this (and other similar) threads.

Original poster
K1092902 · 08/07/2017 20:54

We have spoken about three options which seem to be in her order of preference:

  1. She has the baby and he/she is adopted.
  2. She has the baby and she will have my full 100% support but she does understand that I have DD as well and a business to run.
  3. She has an abortion.

I've encouraged her to join a website similar to this to get some advice herself to help support her decision.

She knows she can talk to me and my mum but we are both giving her space unless she comes and talks to us as we don't want to smother her and her feel she is being pushed into a decision.

Thank you all for your support honestly. Your making me blub. I think I need some Wine

She has told the father who has done a runner- blocked her on social media and her phone number. She talked about contacting his sister but I've advised it probably isn't the best idea and she doesn't need a fuckwit like that in her life anyway.

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 08/07/2017 20:55

The saddest thing is she's not told her own father, her only survive parent....because she's scared.

ghostyslovesheets · 08/07/2017 20:58

it is sad but at least she has a supportive step mum - well done for being so supportive - she will feel so much better knowing you are there for her

BewareOfDragons · 08/07/2017 20:58

I think you've given her some very good advice, and it sounds like she is really determined to make the right decision for herself. She's very lucky to have you and your mum on her side.

I hope your DH is supportive when he is told.

MeanAger · 08/07/2017 20:58

She has told the father who has done a runner- blocked her on social media and her phone number.

Asshole!

Ok so if she keeps the baby she will be raising it alone (with your help). At least she knows from the start how it will be.

FuzzyOwl · 08/07/2017 21:03

IAmNotAWitch your father sounds wonderful. I'm sure in similar circumstances mine would have done the same. It is such a shame that this poor daughter is not so lucky.

I'm glad your DSD has you to support her OP.

RiversrunWoodville · 08/07/2017 21:06

Such a pity the father reacted like that but whatever happens she is very lucky to have you and your mum

organixeveryday · 08/07/2017 21:06

@user any reason for that?

ladyyyglittersparkles · 08/07/2017 21:09

user
ODFOD

ihaveanewprinter · 08/07/2017 21:14

Aaah, adoption. I was adopted. Adoption is a tricky beast. It is not necessarily going to be the happy ever after. It may but may not be. I know you are already doing a fabulous job but please encourage and help dsd to look into adoption carefully and consider the potential problems or negatives in relation to going down that route,.

I hope it all turns out very well for you all.

Atenco · 08/07/2017 21:14

Your poor dsd is surrounded by stupid men and wonderful women. I hope she makes the best decision for her.

mygorgeousmilo · 08/07/2017 21:15

I don't think it's a case of generalised 'positivity' about teen pregnancy is it? But it's happened, and it would be particularly cruel not to work out the best and most supportive outcome for OP's DSD, surely? I don't think OP or other posters are under any illusions as to how much less than ideal the situation is, but young people make mistakes, she needs help to make it right - whichever form that takes. FWIW my two penneth worth is at this stage, I hear you OP regarding DSDs potential preferences, and it sounds like you'll do everything you can to support her choice, which is really admirable. Please google the hell out of adoption from a parent's perspective. The few people I know of that have done it, i.e. had their babies adopted, never ever emotionally recovered. I only know three of them, and it's the general consensus that it caused them irreversible emotional damage. The few adoptees that I know, are happy and seemingly undamaged and well-rounded people. I'm not aiming to be negative but when I saw that as her top preference, my mind dashed to those people. I know it won't be the same for everyone, but just that those are my experiences. You're a fantastic step mum Flowers

Ragdoll545 · 08/07/2017 21:16

I would recommend she tells her dad he may be supportive after all

Lou898 · 08/07/2017 21:17

Before you go wading in ..how sure are you it's her pregnancy test. I have a friend who ruined a good relationship with her daughter over assuming a pregnancy test was hers when in actual fact it was her best friends.
If it is hers you just need to be there for her as it appears she'll need someone as her own father doesn't appear likely to be the one to be there.
Best of luck with the chat but trad carefully.

ColourfulOrangex · 08/07/2017 21:18

You sound lovely OP Flowers
Your step daughter is lucky to be able to have you and your mum to support her

AddictedToDrPepper · 08/07/2017 21:19

Lou the OP has already spoke to her DSD who has confirmed she is pregnant.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 08/07/2017 21:22

Nobody knows how the DH will react and are just going on a comment he made years ago.

In real life there are not many who would be thrilled that there barely adult daughter was pregnant, unless they had their children really young.

However she is an adult and can now make her own choices about the rest of her life. I'd be very wary re option number two unless you are prepared for the commitment of another child.

TrulyFubar · 08/07/2017 21:30

Adoption is the biggest regret of my life. I was 16 and only found out I was actually pregnant 10 days before I gave birth. I had no family support from either side. My mother had just announced her pregnancy with my brother and my partner's parents wanted to basically take the baby off me and raise it themselves after actively avoiding and not speaking to me for the previous year. Adoption seemed like my only choice. The day after finding out an Adoption Agent visited me & told me she had the perfect couple in mind. So, to my 16 year old mind, that was that. I felt overwhelmed with obligation to this couple I didn't know, having nowhere to live and bring up a child myself and a determination that my in-laws would not take my baby. I gave birth alone (apart from midwife etc), held my daughter and visited her and 48 hours later went home. She was collected that day. I only discovered later that I could have taken her home and had more time to consider. Part of me died then and it's as raw today as it was then. It was 34 years ago.

It really isn't the easy decision it might seem and, should your daughter chose this, I'd definitely advise counselling beforehand. Good luck to her no matter what she decides. She's very lucky to have you.

Whatsername17 · 08/07/2017 21:30

There are worse things that can happen to your children than becoming parents young. Id recommend you get her into see someone who can talk through her options. Putting a baby up for adoption can leave life long scars on the mum. It isn't an easy thing to do and certainly not easier than an abortion, which is equally traumatic. She needs to discuss her options with someone who can help and advise her.