to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

[majordilemma]

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

Also, my impression from the OP was that it wasn't a case of 'arranging the wedding to suit him' but having made a decision and arranged everything, having things changed.

lol- ok at the risk of looking ridiculous now i've been arguing in OP favour. My wedding - i had 10 children with P/M SEN! (welcome to the world of SEN nannying!) lol - it was a complete disaster in terms of organisation but we all had a blast

I loved your post, pixel. You sound like you have a really lovely family all round. I bet ds looked gorgeous in his wedding finery as well.

toirtoiseshell - all along I've said that an escape route is essential. It is wiith every single thing you do with severe autism. We don't go anywhere without an escape plan. But that fact that it might be difficult for him iis not a reason (imo) to not even give him a chance to experience his father's wedding. I doubt the actual ceremony is feasible, nor the speeches, but he could dip in and out (or sit in the car!) with someone there whose job it is to look after him. Of course it needs to be someone who understands the level of supervision/care he needs- and staff at special needs schools will often agree to some extra work to cover this sort of thing.

If it was someone a bit further away from the couple then I might think it wasn't worthwhile trying, but this is the groom's son. If brides nieces etc are going to be there, some attempts should be made to accomodate his son in a way that is meaningful to him.

And always have an escape route. Our family phrase is "we'll giuve it a go,of it doesn't work out we'll bail out".

MD - I honestly thinbk you should do what you want! Loads of people on here are having a go at you because you didn't plan your day around your DSS, therefore you're being selfish. As it has been pointed out several times it was DF who decided it would be too stressful for him so you both planned your wedding with that in mind. Only now is he having 2nd thoughts - its too late to change everything, it is all booked and prbably paid for - are they supposed to just throw all that money away, and don't forget the money of their guests who may have booked hotel accomodation if they live far away, bought new outfits etc, etc.

Yes hindsight is a wonderful thing but OP's DF made what he thought was the right decision at the time and I;m sure that MIL and Dss mum knew about it so why kick up a fuss now?

I got a lot of stick from some of my family for not inviting my half and step siblings, this caused me a lot of trouble at the time but I made the right decision for me and I'm glad I wasn;t bullied into changing my mind.

MD you sound like a nice person who includes your SS because he is part of your family, you certainly don't sound like you're shutting him out or are embarrassed by him, in fact just the opposite you are thinking about his wellbeing not your own or what looks better for outsiders.

If DSS mum is adamnet that he shoudl be there, then she shoudl be there to help him cope with the day. Out of everyone on this site only you know him and how he would cope, I think you, DF and DSS mum need to sit down and talk it through together - in my opinion it has nothing to do with the MIL and I would be questioning her motivves (probably get shot down for that last comment but there you go!)

PCF- we always have it the other way round. The 1st time we go somewhere (anywhere) it always goes really well. So we think "hmm that went well we'll go back" but meantime ds1 has set up some elaborate circuit in his head, and repeat visits are always distaters as he frantically tries to complete his circuit - repeatedly

OMG- that's our other family phrase "expect nothing" Usually we're pleasantly surprised. (Like the McD's spur of the moment decision- I took him alone- good god!)

my heart goes out to op having been a step mum in my 1st marriage.dh ex wife was evil and our marriage collasped under strain of her constant harrasment. married again very happily. i dont know what to say except i hope all goes well x

Personally I was all prepared to be outraged when I saw the thread title, now I am thinking what an unpleasent MIL to stir things up.

Firstly before arrnaging the wedding the OP's finace made the desision that attending the wedding would be too much for their son. In hindsight this choice might be wrong, BUT it was not the OP's influence.

Now the wedding is arranged and is not catering for the child's needs, the MIL stirs it up by saying the child should be there, and calling the fiance all kinds of nasty things (along with the child's mother) However the MIL doesn't appear to believe in the child's diagnosis and cannot really handle the anticipated meltdown, the mother is not prepared to go, but BOTH of them who are not exactly helping the child are still insisting the OP's fiance should have the child there.

IMHO the MIL should be uninvited to the wedding, but since that is unlikely I think that she should be told what a bitch she is for stiring things up.

Lastly I do think IF there is a practical solution (key worker/whatever) then this should be arranged, if there is not a solution which means the OP can relax and enjoy her wedding with her fiance then I believe the child should not be FORCED to attend and be streesed by a situation because the old biddy and interferring ex feel it's the done thing and that they want to prove something.

Go with what feels right MD, and don't listen to everyone here who says you should rearrnge/change and that you in some way don't care. They are full of poo and are not in your shoes RIGHT NOW. I am sure if at the beginning your fiance wanted his son there, then teh low key event would have been chosen enjpy your day

Agree again PCF- although I guess there are loads of background wrangle/tangle things that will be going on. Hints of that from him never staying overnight at his father's etc. However, she will want him to be safe, and his safety will be her main priority, and I think that can be used to ensure that he does get the right person to accompany him so he can do the bits he can manage.

MD- have you and your DF ever had any autism training? I'm not saying that to be patronising but when ds1 was first diagnosed dh and I were able to attend some course together. I still go on training now (dh does sometimes as well)- I last went on a 4 day residential course in September for example. Specialist training can make it much easier top deal with the challenging behaviours etc I would imagine it would make your role as stepmother easier as well if you had some deeper understanding of the condition. There is a lot of very good training around now

A number of us have been in the position of mother of severely autistic child though crunchie!

EarlyBird was good- probably not available to the OP because its for under 5s (I think) and the NAS Help! which is aimed at older children (as an EarlyBird equivalent) is aimed at HFA/AS so not much use either. But there are lots of courses out there. I went to a day conference recently which provided a good basic introduction to the triad or impairments, also the NAS runs day long ones on things like challenging behaviours, etc from time to time. Visual strategies as well. Lots available and often very cheap for parents/carers.

Autistic children : slap themsleves and others, scream in uncomfortable situations, demand parents/carers attention when needed. Need space to vent off, need an escape route for peace of mind, boredom, uneasiness.

Non autistic children : slap themselves and others if they are throwing a paddy attack, kick off, show off, be rude, in uncomfortable situations, Demand parents/carers attention when needed oh and when not needed especially if we are talking to others. Need space to vent let off steam, and also require an escape route to ease boredom, peace of mind and uneasiness.

now someone point out the difference????

Gess that all makes sense - but I got the impression from the OP that there wasn't really anyone able to look after their ds, other than her df - perhaps if there was someone dedicated to him, who he is comfortable with then that would be better.

MD - you, your df and your dss' mum know him best, you know what he can cope with, what he can't - I hope you have a good day, whatever you decide.

Mejustme- I wish you were my cousin My mum's famiy are wonderful- take it in turns to take him off and walkabout at events so we can sit down for 5 mins.

the op posted her dilemma knowing that it was not possible for mn to make the decision as of course "how the hell do we know" as someone said earlier

I think it is an interesting discussion

and like anything else it is a personal decision

Me thinks MIL and birth mother may be cooking up ways to ruin the wedding and don't give a flying fig about the needs of the child who the OP and her DF KNOW (we are just passing judgement) THEY know if the little boy will cope with it or not and it seems to me that they made the right choice to have the wedding without him if THEY know he will not cope with it.

I hadn't spootted the bit about the father saying son won't be there, wedding then arranged on that basis and then complete changes of mind. That's not fair but I still think things could be managed such that he does attend. I know autism is not like small children and babies like I mentioned below but there are some similar issues and sometimes it's more important to have family there even if the "noise" spoils things for other people. As my mother used to say when people tutted other people's children in church, there'd be no church if people didn't have children and bring them there.

are people really that interested in making difficulties after more than 10 years have gone by..