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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

367 replies

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 17:36

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

OP posts:
bloss · 24/03/2007 10:56

Message withdrawn

DominiConnor · 24/03/2007 11:02

My view is that weddings are family celebrations, rather than a scripted ritual.

That did involve inviting a 6 yo I despised, whose normal reaction to anything new was to scream.
As it happens she managed to make her parents horribly late for the wedding, so she caused relatively little trouble, but she got an invite.
I'd provide help and assistance where I could, but if their carer though they could cope, I'd go with it.
One tip I have for parents of young kids is to take them swimming. Uses up the sort of energy that makes them fidgety.

Gess · 24/03/2007 11:06

an autistic friendly wedding is just one where the autistic person can do what they want. It doesn't really matter what the surroundings are like. Autism is unpredictable as already said. For the child in this case being autistic friendly might mean letting him sit in the car for an hour. In ds1's case being autistic friendly would mean walking him around outside uduring the actual ceremony and then letting him run and explore a big stately home (which my god, he would love).

Ds1 "can't handle crowds", but that doesn't mean he never goes out, it means he goes out with escape routes/alternatives in mind for when things start to kick off. The only time we would exclude him was if there was no escape route (so for example someone was having a wedding and said he had to attend the ceremony and had to sit still- no way he couldn't manage it so we couldn;t go).

I do agree that family events really have to be arrnaged around the autistic child. When my grandmother was alive we had yearly family get togethers in a big hotel, it got harder and harder for ds1 to attend so the family as a whole suiggested moving the event to one in our hometime. That way he went to respite during the sit down meal, then came and spent the rest of the night in the hotel. It was within walking distance of our home so we could leave in the middle of the night and walk him home if we had to.

With a severely autistic child you always have to find a compromise between their needs and some sort of normality, but I think abolute exclusion from such an important event does send out a bad message if small changes (such as missing the ceremony but having him there with a keyworker from school/his mother for other less formal parts) could allow him to attend. If you lived a long way from him and dropping in would be harder I would see it differently.

pinkcandyfloss · 24/03/2007 11:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 24/03/2007 11:19

Was thinking, you could have had a quiet ceremony at a registry office with just witnesses.

Then a 'blessing' in the church later.

If you wanted to be all inclusive.

We arent going on a honeymoon later this year when we get married. It isnt the be all and end all.

tigermoth · 24/03/2007 11:21

Been thinking about this some more. Agree with bloss that a marriage is more than a wedding day.

But also, I do find unusual that when these plans were first mooted, your DF and the sons mother did not communicate more together and agree on inviting or not inviting this boy before any big deposits were paid for the venue and 200 invites sent out.

The wedding you are having is a big, quite formal one by the sound of it - a smaller, more casual event might have been more flexible to allow for a changes of plan.

Is the mother and MIL going through the motions of complaining now, knowing full well that it is impossible for this boy to be happy at the wedding, but wanting you both to say he is invited? They want him to feel invited, even if he doesn't go.

Is the mother worried after you are married, his father will somehow distance himself from the boy and sees the wedding day as the beginning of this?

melminx · 24/03/2007 11:28

majordilema what would you be feeling if ss was your bio son? to me its only dna you have helped raise this boy for 10 years his your son too.

zippitippitoes · 24/03/2007 11:28

presumably the whole point is the big wedding...if op wanted to just pop into the registry office it wouldn't really be a problem

hippmummy · 24/03/2007 12:47

I think lots of people are forgetting to take into account that the OP and her DF initially thought it would be best if his son didn't come because it would distress him.
Is the father's assessment of the situation not as valid as what the boys mother thinks? Especially as the father knows the logistics of the day.
According to the OP he is only thinking of changing his mind because his ex-wife and mother are accusing him of being selfish, and ashamed of his son. This kind of guilt-inducing pressure would cause anyone to rethink.
But he wouldn't necessarily be changing his mind for the sake of his son.

JOSIE3 · 24/03/2007 12:48

''Perhaps the wedding shoudl have been organised around his needs really.''

REALLY???????!!!! i hadn't realised that the descision to have children ment that i have to give up everything i want for me and spend the rest of my natural life dedicating each experience to the desires of my kids. Thank goodness they are only talking about one child with autism - imagine having to hold 2 - so that they could organise one to suit each childs needs.

Phooey!!!!!

pinkcandyfloss · 24/03/2007 13:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

JOSIE3 · 24/03/2007 13:13

I do appreciate that - I'm a respite mum and SEN nanny - and again appreciate that i don't feel or see half of what it's like. I just feel that people are bring the OP down and almost blaming her solely for not including SS in wedding. It was a joint descision - and it was decided a long time ago. I can't see how he is going to attend without it causing major upset to their plans, their wedding (and i'm sorry but i think it's reasonable to want to have that one day go the way you want), and their SS.

pinkcandyfloss · 24/03/2007 13:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gess · 24/03/2007 13:20

He could quite easily attend without causing major upset. All he needs is a keyworker type person (someone from school? his mother, his maternal grandmother??) to attend with him.Attending the actual ceremony probably isn't appropriate (but probably wouldn't be with a really small wedding either), but dipping in and out of the reception should be easy.

I think too much emphasis is being made on his screaming and hitting himself. Severely autistic children do that all the time. Ds1 has done it several times today, at home, on a day when he's pretty relaxed. Of course that would be a problem in the actual ceremony (and speeches?), but no reason to exclude him from the full day. Of course the groom can't take care of him on his wedding day, but there must be someone who understands what is required to look after him and so allow him to dip in and out.

The wedding shouldn't necessarily have been arranged around his needs, but his needs should have been taken into account if brides nieces etc are being invited. I can completely understand why the mother and MIL have reacted the way they have.

tortoiseSHELL · 24/03/2007 13:20

The thing is, the OP and her df made the decision together, it shouldn't be up to MIL and exw to interfere.

I see it as an insoluble problem - you want to have lots of friends to your wedding, so that they can witness your vows to each other. Your son has problems coping with crowds. But you don't want to hide him away from your friends. SO either he is there, and miserable, or he isn't there and you are criticised for 'being ashamed of him' or 'hiding him away' or you do a quiet private service, which isn't affirming your love and commitment to each other in front of your friends and family (which i think is important btw).

Which is why I would go for an additional ceremony before everyone arrives, or another day, which can be just the three of you, or even the three of you plus parents etc.

JOSIE3 · 24/03/2007 13:21

Guess we'll never know. I guess we'll just have to trust that the DP made the original descision knowing what his son can and can't cope with, and what he felt was best on the day.

Gess · 24/03/2007 13:22

Of course it woulnd't pinkcandyfloss!

hippmummy · 24/03/2007 13:22

Yes, but he is her DP's biological son and the decision was theirs not just the OP's.
Why do most people feel that the fathers decision about his autistic son is not as valid as the mothers?

Gess · 24/03/2007 13:25

How many people who think he would be "miserable" have experience of severe autism. All the behaviours the OP have described are perfectly normal,daily behaviours for an autistic child. Whether at a wedding or at home, or out at McDonald's. I took my son to MCDonald's recently- he loved it- it was hailed as a success, but he also spent some time lying on the floor screaming- so what? He does that all the time. Austitic behaviours make attending an actual ceremony difficult/impossible- whether its a big ceremony or small- but a whole wedding day? Not at all- as long as he lives close enough to dip in and out on his terms there is no need for it to be a problem at all.

Gess · 24/03/2007 13:25

Well I can't iimagine many mother's agreeing to a wedding day without their child being present!

tortoiseSHELL · 24/03/2007 13:27

Gess - my experience of autism is a good friend's little boy. He can not cope with many people - more than two or three really. For him, going into a room with people is so stressful he just has to hide in a buggy.

JOSIE3 · 24/03/2007 13:27

maybe what you can cope with and what they can cope with are two diffrent things?

Gess · 24/03/2007 13:29

SO have him outside the room- Ds1 won't stay in a room of people either, so he runs around in and out up and down the lifts. I've already said that for this little boy attending the wedding may mean sitting in the car for an hour.

Gess · 24/03/2007 13:29

Would be interested in how many mothers on this site would be happy to get married without their child being present?

tortoiseSHELL · 24/03/2007 13:31

But then is that any benefit to him Gess?

I'm not pretending to be an expert at all, but I just can't see how, using my friend's boy as an example, taking him somewhere he found so stressful he couldn't go into the room would be a positive experience for him or the family. But that's not to say a positive experience as part of the wedding can't be arranged - in his case it would entail not having any other guests.