to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

[majordilemma]

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

I have an autistic/adhd son and we include him in every family event apart from Funerals, but then none of my children would attend a funeral. If you can get someone to take responsibilty for him during the ceremony then that would be ideal. If he will be distressed it is kinder not to have him attend in my opinion. I don't think the normal rules apply. My son is fine as he has been used to big family meet ups from an early age - so what if I have to take a train set with me incase things get sticky - it's all part of adapting. I don't think you will be able to please everyone but then you never can at weddings. I would say try your best to include him but have a contingency plan.

there may be things about the day he loves

I have no experience of autism, so can only go by what I've read on these posts.
But I'd like to ask the people who feel ds should be accommodated at the wedding - is it because it's a wedding and you feel he should be seen as being included?

If the OP had been asking whether she should take him to another event, which would distress him, upset his routine (as it's not his dad's usual weekend) and of which he has no concept (the OP's assertion, not mine) would people still suggest that he go.

This is a genuine question, not a contentious one for the sake of debate. I just don't understand why people insist he should be there if it will upset him and he won't get anything out of it. The OP has clearly said he is a big part of their lives and I don't think they have 'prove' this by having him at their wedding if it's not right for him.

Good question hippmummy.

so difficult to decide on this. I do think your DF should have sorted this with the mother before booking the venue - seems so obvious in hindsight - and this could be the root of all the bad feeling. And your DF must take the lead now.

Things I'd consider if it was me:

Organise a quiet event beforehand positively including the things this boy likes ie clocks, picture books, wheels and spinning objects - so it really is centered around him being in your family. Up to you when and where this event happens.

Arrange for his key worker to be there with him on your wedding day, but on the understanding that the boy can leave even after 5 minutes - absolutely no pressure to stay. Arrange for transport to be on hand at all times.

Having him there gives him the chance for him to surprise you all and cope with it better than you predicted. Pixel's post was very moving. If you don't have him there, you'll never know if he could have found it meaningful.

But totally agree that his needs must come first. IMO arranging how he can leave is as important as arranging how he can stay.

on a lighter note if i was invited to this kind of wedding I would run a mile!

he probably would much prefer to stay away

agree with pixel-- pixel your sounds lovely (and tibni's)- they can surprise you. I've been thinking about what we do at this sort of thing, and what we do is attend but always wiith an escape route, as soon as it looks as if it's getting too much for ds1 someone leaves with him (which is why the 300 miles htiing was significant for me- ds1 can't cope w ith staying over in hotels etc- and other people'e houses aren't usually safe for him, so it would be hard for us to have an escape route). In fact thinking about it, we've never had to bail out yet, sometimes we've hung on and almost gone (before things suddenly got better)but often he's surprised us. He sounds similar to your step son in terms of non verbal etc. He totally gets parties though and definitely gets something out of being there.

As it's close by I'd arrange for him to go with an escape route (i.e. some way of getting him home). If he can only be driven by his dad, etc etc, then I'd arrange for him to attend a part of the day when its easy for his dad to deliver him home if he needs to bail out early. I would talk to his mother as well though if possible as she may be the key to iit going smoothly; she'll want her son to be safe above anything else and may be happy to do the dropping and picking up (even picking up in response to an emergency "he's gone over please come and get him now".)

oh- ds1 used to do the refusing to get out the car routine as well. We drove to Ireland once to visit in-laws not sure he would get out the other end (!) (he did!!!). Actually he was great that whole stay in Ireland- the trip there and back was another matter and we haven't gone since because of that- but an example of where he really surprised us- we thought he'd spend the whole week awake refusing to sleep at all. Also appreciate the headbanging car windows etc as ds1 also does that- but all these things can be worked around- often the only way to work around them is to provide the opportunity to take part, but not put any pressure on him to join in- so that's where you need someone with him who can take full responsibility and bail out if he needs to. If he goes to the wedding and sits in the car with his person the whole tiome, it doesn't really matter, but he's had the chance to join in.

All the above is assuming the wedding is taking place reasonably close to his home- and not 300 miles away!

I think steienmum got it right "My gut feeling is that your stepson should be there and the task for you two is to arrange who will be by his side throughout the day, taking care of him. In your minds he should be the 'guest of honour' so that all your plans bear him in mind." Perhaps the wedding shoudl have been organised around his needs really.

I think it's good if has the chance to go, but absolutely no pressure to stay.

but the OP's DF decided that his son should not attend in the first instance and thus they have planned a day that doesnt accomodate his needs. The big problem can be seen as either the original decision or the change of heart, but the fact remains that this doesnt sound like stress-free environment for the SS.

As the dad and the OP will be very busy on the day they cannot garantee 100% to be with the son all day. If a key worker cannot attend, and the mother is not comfortable doing so, then what are they meant to do? Cancel?

I agree that we put the needs of our children at the top of our list at all times but the OP/DF made a decision at the start of the planning process. if the decision has changed it is not the OPs fault and it may be too late/too costly/too impractical to make the venue/event suitable for the SS.

imho if the mother is unable to be with the son for the whole time he is there (for whatever reason) then he should not attend. It wouldnt be fair on the son or the OP and DF.

I go back to my earlier post and still say they should have a private celebration the week before that the SS may appreciate more.

Has it already been established that the key worker or mother will not attend?

If so, any good hiring another carer to be there? If that's not good from the boy's point of view, then arrange for the boy to attend when his father is free to devote his attention to him (ie not when saying the vows), if only for a short time.

Could the mother be hands on with the escape plans, ie being in the car with him to take him there and back? She then would be helping her son be there, while not actually attending the wedding herself. I know it's hard on her, but if she feels strongly that her son needs to be there, this might help it happen.

"you wouldn't put someone who is immobile at the bottom of 20 steps and expect them to climb up - so why put someone who can't cope with breaks in routine, crowds, and noise in a huge wedding?"

Perhaps if one of the most important people AT the wedding was immobile, it might be better to plan a wedding that WASN'T at the top of 20 steps?

I really think that the day needs to be planned AROUND your new family.

We are only having 5 day honeymoon so DF can be back for sat/sun visitation so as not to upset his routine.

I married in 2003 I had a 5 yr old ds at the time (now 8) and guess what we didn't have a honeymoon at all. My day was wonderful even though my mum had to leave to take my disabled dad home. The morning of my wedding my sister was released from hospital for just 3 hours long enough to see me marry then to go back until the birth of her son almost a month later.....

This little boy has autism....so what he is just a child if he acts up then so be it, someone will be there to help him feel more secure and relaxed. YOU should ask BM if she would come express to her that you would like the child to be there but you are worried it may upset him. I do understand autism to an extent. I brought my cousins autistic son up for almost a year as she couldn't cope with it. I did not seclude him from anything I made sure he was involved in such a way that he felt safe, secure but also just the same as any other child.

My pet hate and please or offend anyone is when people seclude a child just because they are autistic, adhd etc....so what if they play up??? show me a child that is perfectly behaved all the time? that doesn't act silly or do things we don't expect them to do ever?? and i will show you a 100 that do all of those things and more.

This is you DF's son and he has a right to be there. You are marrying him for better or for worse. If your marriage is to work then you need to take the rough with the smooth...and this may be the most major rough you experience with this boy or it may not. But if you don't have him there your DF will resent you for it eternally and without blame on his part IMHO.

Having another day to 'celebrate' with him is pointless- he won't understand that at all. I do see where the boy's mother is coming from in all of this tbh - my reaction would probably have been similar (!)- and agree with morningpaper's post below. Not sure how much leeway there is to alter things now though.

Think Tigermoth's suggestion is similar to the sort of thing I suggested and providing the wedding isn't miles away will probably work quite well.

Non verbal children screaming and kicking off aren't necessarily distressed in the way an NT child would be making that much noise- if it's your main way of communication...... Ds1 will scream the place down, hit himself and shriek the house down because I won't let him go and look at something in the street. As soon as he gets to see it he stops shouting and all that noise and distress is forgotten and he's beaming. Also think being shoved out the door is normal tbh- ds1 shoves people out if he's hungry - he thinks he has tea when people go.

We only had a 5 day honeymoon in Cornwall btw (no kids, we were moving house/I had a PhD to finish), our second week off work was spent packing boxes. Not sure short honeymoons are that unusual.

if mum is keen for him to go and so is grandma then the obvious solution to me is to invite mum and she be responsible for dss

it has been more than 10 years since df and mum were an item so it's not going to be too bad for her to go to the wedding and she is desperately keen for dss to go

the op must have a lot of expereince with dss too over 10 years that is almost all his life so at least 4 people will be there he knows

it all comes down to what's best for ds

I've changed my mind and think that bringing ds to the wedding serves mil's best interests, m's best interests and op's and df's interests but not this child's interests

all the posters who say that the day should be planned to accommodate ds, what exactly would an autistic-friendly wedding involve? from what majordilemma says it would be a wedding without music, unfamiliar people or noise. That does sound like a difficult wedding to plan.

Being taken to a situation that will clearly cause ds a great deal of distress is not in his interests unless he is likely to be hurt or distressed by being excluded. bringing him sounds like an act of selfishness on the part of others who will read more significance into ds being present than ds will himself.

possibly he might appreciate it more than expected

if the view is taken that he should not do new or different things his life will get narrower and narrower and his parents will become less and less confident in taking him anywhere and so will he

I just have to ask something.
You say you have been in your ss life for the best part of 10 years. When you and you df began making arrangements for your Big wedding did you take into consideration what would be suitable for ss??? because it doesn't to me seem like you did. You could have had a low key wedding and gone the whole works on the reception but you have chosen to go for the biggy all the way through.
I am wondering is this really about whether your ss will cause disruption or whether you as a sm are able to cope or will cope. Wedding days are not spent solely with your new husband/wife regardless of who you are especially when children are involved. SO he may and most likely will need your husbands attention good thats what a parent is for!!!!! I know he is autistic so?? he is human and unless he is given the opportunity to be involved in situation such as this he will NEVER learn what is acceptable. You mention that you have always avoided parties etc with him.....maybe had you not you wouldn't be panicking now. Had he been involved in normal (a phrase I hate) experiences from an early age he may have learnt what is acceptable and what is not. Any more to the point why are you concerned about what others may think??? if he acts up why should you worry if others are upset.. you have chosen to marry a man with an autistic child no you have to deal with it. You cannot exclude him just because he is what many see as different.

Something I said to my cousin when she screamed at me that it wasn't fair that I had a normal ds and she didn't....

Your ds is normal...he is normal for himself, it is you who are making him stand out and be abnormal.

Surely the people who are invited to your wedding are aware that your ss is autistic and if not why? is it a taboo subject??

Another one who totally agrees with steinermum's post!

My gut feeling is that your stepson should be there and the task for you two is to arrange who will be by his side throughout the day, taking care of him. In your minds he should be the 'guest of honour' so that all your plans bear him in mind.

Abso-fecking-lutely.

majordilemma, I haven't read all of this thread, I'm afraid. It sounds like the way you have arranged the wedding would be unsuitable for your ss, but I reckon you need to really leave this to your fiance and take a step back as probably he feels double pressure: from your side and from his ex partner and mother. I do understand totally, this is your big day, you want it to be just the two of you without any stress. But I can also understand your ss' mother, that her knee-jerk reaction to hearing her son isn't to attend is to feel that he is excluded, even though in reality she knows it will be problematic. You need to put aside your feelings about her, and let her come with ss if that is what your fiance wants, and what your mil and ss mother want. Better that than for your wedding to turn into a breeding ground for resentment. Good luck

I think the OP sounds like she is doing her best to accept her new family and new situation having a short honeymoon so as not to disrupt his routine etc.- shouldn't she get just one day to put her needs before anyone else's? It's her wedding and it's not like the SS is being shut away or shunted off somewhere - he will be at home with his mother as he ordinarily would that weekend. Why force him into something that is going to be totally out of his comfort zone.

TBH I can imagine a wedding to be pretty boring for most nearly teenage boys, autistic or not! Everyone will always judge other people's weddings based on what they think they represent, i.e. ALL family should be invited, ALL children should be invited etc. I think the OP should just do what she and her DF think is best, though with everyone judging them (not just on here - their family etc.) that's going to be easier said than done.

it's not exactly a new family though..they have been together 10 years