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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is ex re. motorway drive?

285 replies

Mellaa · 07/07/2017 09:03

Ex h recently moved to a town 4 hours away tonne with his girlfriend.

He used to have the dc for 3 nights a week and has now cut it to one night a fortnight.

He collects them first thing on a Saturday morning and brings them home on a Sunday evening.

He's now telling me from now on he will be collecting them on a Friday night at 9pm to drive them to his house, arriving at 1am...

I am not happy with this as he will have been working all day then doing an 8 hour round trip with my dc in the car on a regular basis.

He is very tight with maintenance, (he owes me a fair bit in unpaid) and I suspect his plan is more to do with having the dc an extra night so cutting his maintenance by a fair bit...

AIBU?

OP posts:
littlehandcuffs · 08/07/2017 11:36

The courts will take a very dim view of the fact that he moved so far from his children, however they are bound to put the childrens needs first.
I do not think subjecting them to this journey will be deemed in their best interests and if they were to say it was not something they wanted to do I doubt the court would force it. The starting point will be the status quo, so if he wants to change it he will have to have very good reasons.

RainyApril · 08/07/2017 11:52

The flat isn't a long term solution, it's up for sale.

The drive wouldn't be considered dangerous in court, within guidelines.

He can't be compelled to give up a serious relationship any more than op can.

All of the suggestions, now matter how emotionally justified in support of the op, won't be considered in court.

What the court is likely to say is 'yes a 9pm departure is very late, meet him halfway' or 'put them on a train'.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 11:54

What the court is likely to say is 'yes a 9pm departure is very late, meet him halfway' or 'put them on a train

And who should pay for that?

He can't be compelled to give up a serious relationship any more than op can

But the NRP can go to court IF the RP wanted to move away to start a new life. So how come the NRP can move away and the RP just has to suck it up?

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 12:01

I would take the chance in court. I agree that they will take a dim view of his prioritising his new relationship over his children.

Also in all the child arrangements I'm aware of the parent who moves is ordered to bear the expenses of the travelling.

I think it's a moot point anyway as fathers like him often threaten court but most of the time they won't spend the money to see it through.

RainyApril · 08/07/2017 12:02
  1. Maybe him, maybe both, the court would decide.
  1. Because the RP is taking the children away. You need to petition for a change in the law.
RainyApril · 08/07/2017 12:04

'I think it's a moot point anyway as fathers like him often threaten court but most of the time they won't spend the money to see it through.'

Or can't afford to.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 12:06

Or can't afford to

Maybe they should put their kids first rather than their relationship with someone else before moving 4 hrs away?

I am really struggling to see how someone who claims to want a relationship with their kids moves 4 hours away. I don't see how you can have a relationship when you do that.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 12:12

I don't really buy the argument that they can't afford to.

My ex represented himself all the way through. With the exception of the odd application court fee it hasn't cost him anything.

It's just another lame excuse for feckless fathers to hide behind.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 12:14

Orlantina - you keep going on about the 4 hours away thing and that he can't be a good father for doing this.

It's done, he's moved. It is what it is. He is doing all the driving, he obviously realised that is his responsibility. To keep harping back to that isn't helpful. Op and her ex now need to move forward.

Or are you suggesting that he shouldn't be able to see his kids because he moved?

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 12:15

Will - give the man a chance this happened last night and he did tell op he would take it to court.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 12:19

Or are you suggesting that he shouldn't be able to see his kids because he moved

I'm suggesting that 4 hours away is a very long way - and the kids will probably get fed up of this every other weekend, so contact will probably drop off so maybe holidays will be the better option.

A father who moves 4 hours away from their children so he can live with his new girlfriend is not a good parent. He's someone who has put himself first, not his kids first.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 12:20

He had a chance last night to stay and see his kids this morning. You know - putting them first. But nope he let them down and went back because he couldn't get his own way.

If he ever starts putting them first fair enough but until then the onus is on him not the OP.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 08/07/2017 12:23

Will - give the man a chance this happened last night and he did tell op he would take it to court

He had the chance to see his children as planned today and decided against it as he didn't get what he wanted.
He's a monumental dick.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 12:23

Orlantina - with all respect you do not know if he is a good father in reality or what the considerations were when he moved.

It's your opinion that you are very entitled to. However the op came on here for help with the way forward.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 12:24

They will get sick of all that travelling soon enough. Contact will drop off sure as eggs are eggs.

His rights do not trump their wishes or needs. He's only got himself to blame for moving that far. Not the actions of a loving parent.

RainyApril · 08/07/2017 12:24

What we think of him doesn't matter, only the law's opinion is relevant in order to help op make a decision.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 08/07/2017 12:26

with all respect you do not know if he is a good father

You do actually. Moved far away, severely cut contact time, now misses the small contact time because having a hissy fit= not a good father.
It's an easy equation.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 12:26

Will - there's so much hate in your posts for someone you don't know and op has given minimal information about. He drove for four hours last night and op wouldn't even answer the phone to him. He didn't cause a scene or any problems for the op.

I agree he should have found somewhere to stay last night and picked the kids up this morning but I suppose he is as stubborn as the op. The kids are the only ones losing out.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 08/07/2017 12:28

There's no hate. Don't be one of those fools who think you can assign strong feelings to someone you only interact with as words on a screen. You're projecting and it makes you look rather odd.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 12:30

Will - op said much earlier she had worked with him to agree the current contact. It wasnt enforced on her.

I don't think it is healthy to put so much blame at only one person's door. As much as you think you know the situation you really don't.

I agree with Rainy, it really doesn't matter what we think of him. The court will decide. I just think it's a shame it has to go that far as it may be more detrimental for the op and definatejy the kids.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 12:30

with all respect you do not know if he is a good father in reality or what the considerations were when he moved

He moved 4 hours away from his children to be with his new girlfriend.

What parent does that?

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 12:31

I sound odd? I'd re read your posts if I was you. Yes calling someone you've never met a dick and a reckless, lousy father is not normal.

RainyApril · 08/07/2017 12:34

One who has watched his ex remarry and have a new baby, and wants a shot at that with someone he has fallen in love with.

One who thinks that, as long as he's willing to drive 16hrs every other weekend without complaint, he can still maintain a relationship with his kids.

People move for all sorts of reasons - home town, better job.

It's not a decision I'd make, but I wouldn't castigate someone for it without knowing more.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 12:35

One who has watched his ex remarry and have a new baby, and wants a shot at that with someone he has fallen in love with

So..he's moved across the country. His ex didn't move away. His ex chose to stay in the place where the father was. With the children.

EmmaJR1 · 08/07/2017 12:35

It sounds like a sucky situation for the children whichever way you look at it.

My friend has a 4 yr old son. Her ex wife decided to move 5 hours drive away and take him with her. My friend went to court to try and prevent this. She spent 10k and lost. Now every other week she has to drive 2.5 hours to meet in the middle, pay maintenance and can not get a full time job to support this because the court ordered access is 5 days every 2 weeks and not many jobs will let you have 3 days a week off work every other week.
The courts don't see any issue with the drive at all and he's only 4...
I think avoid court if you can.

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