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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is ex re. motorway drive?

285 replies

Mellaa · 07/07/2017 09:03

Ex h recently moved to a town 4 hours away tonne with his girlfriend.

He used to have the dc for 3 nights a week and has now cut it to one night a fortnight.

He collects them first thing on a Saturday morning and brings them home on a Sunday evening.

He's now telling me from now on he will be collecting them on a Friday night at 9pm to drive them to his house, arriving at 1am...

I am not happy with this as he will have been working all day then doing an 8 hour round trip with my dc in the car on a regular basis.

He is very tight with maintenance, (he owes me a fair bit in unpaid) and I suspect his plan is more to do with having the dc an extra night so cutting his maintenance by a fair bit...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Orlantina · 08/07/2017 10:43

If someone moves 4 hours away, there's no fucking way that the RP should have to pay any of the travel costs (4 hours petrol) just so the NRP can meet his DCs once every 2 weeks.

When you move halfway across the country, you are NOT putting your kids first. You are putting yourself first. You are not there for them when they are sick. When there are appointments. If the RP is sick.

Njordsgrrrl · 08/07/2017 10:51

Thanks Orlatina, I'll be raising those points when I'm next in court 🙂

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 10:58

Orlantina - if op doesn't want to face court ordering her to pay or travel halfway etc then she needs to compromise.

As I have said a million times this isn't a big issue. They need to sort it out before it becomes much much bigger and really affects the kids.

dimots · 08/07/2017 11:00

Those who are saying she should have let them go- would you put your kids in a car with a drunk driver? Because that's the equivalent here. If you don't believe me read the research on driving tired, especially at night when the body's circadian rhythm is telling the brain to sleep.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 11:02

Dimots - it's already been addressed upthread that 8 hours driving with a 15 minute break is considered safe.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 11:03

if op doesn't want to face court ordering her to pay or travel halfway etc then she needs to compromise

I've noticed that you haven't said that the NRP needs to compromise. You've just said that the RP needs to compromise.

Despite being the main parent.
The one who has to sacrifice any career because of the school run.
Or pay for after school care
The one who has to take time off when the DCs are sick.
The one who has to do all the homework with them.
Liaise with the school.

All because he's moved halfway across the country.

But no, You think she has to compromise. Because the op hasn't sacrificed and compromised enough already.

dimots · 08/07/2017 11:07

Bake well - not on top of a full day at work it isn't. I would deliver my kids by train rather than risk it.

MeanAger · 08/07/2017 11:09

how do you know he is not paying the correct amount.

From the OP, in the OP;

"he owes me a fair bit in unpaid"

He owes her money. Therefore he is not paying the correct amount.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 11:11

Orlantina - I have stated lots of times that they both need to compromise.

The issue remains though that she is not willing to even speak to him. If he can leave work earlier then that's great. If he has to reduce his hours, his CMS payment may change, she needs to take that into account.
All of this takes compromise on both sides.

I personally don't think that a 9 pm pick up is out of the question twice a month. I don't believe it to be classed as overnight driving as so many have stated on this thread. But that's my opinion and not relevant here. The fact remains they need to sort it out as the kids are the only ones losing out.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 11:15

Mean - welcome back, that was a late reply. Yes op said that didn't she. She also said he pays £240 a month now.

She also said he had the kids 3 nights a week until recently when he moved. I'd imagine then that there can't be much in arrears but who knows.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 11:18

Dimots - there is no official guidance on undertaking an 8 hour drive after working. If he is sitting at a desk all day I'd say it was different than being down a mine but as there is no guidance the Court will not take that into account. He is within safe limits.

Also, there is no chance from what OP has said that she will undertake any type of travel to meet him halfway.

MeanAger · 08/07/2017 11:19

Hang on, he has a flat where he could have stayed last night for free and been able to collect his kids this morning and instead he chose to drive the 4 hours home? Yeah, that sounds like a guy who wants to see his kids Hmm

He needs to chuck a few beds and a sofa in the flat and use it for his contact weekends until it is sold whilst working out how he his going to fix this situation.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 11:21

Mean - op said that the same hadn't gone through yet. It may not be connected to utilities anymore and I assume he has taken his fridge, cooker etc.

I'm not sure op would be happy for the kids to sleep on a few mattresses chucked on the floor either.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 11:22

Sale not same!!

MeanAger · 08/07/2017 11:22

that was a late reply

Grin are you timing my response rate now? You realise people have lives outside of MN dont you? Have you been sitting tapping your fingers all this time?

but who knows.

The OP.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/07/2017 11:22

If you're not breastfeeding your youngest it's possible if this goes to court you might get told to do half the driving.

I agree his journeys not ideal but it's also not bad enough for a court to disagree with it and prevent it.

It sucks but I think you're on to a losing argument and I wouldn't take the risk with the courts

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 11:22

Mean - ha ha, you're user name is very apt

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 11:23

Your sorry for the bad grammar

MeanAger · 08/07/2017 11:24

I'm not sure op would be happy for the kids to sleep on a few mattresses chucked on the floor either.

Who said mattresses chucked on the floor? Confused

and I assume he has taken his fridge, cooker etc.

You're assuming everything to suit your agenda aren't you?

MeanAger · 08/07/2017 11:25

Ok so you're resorting to username jibes. Says all we we end still know. Grin I'm out.

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/07/2017 11:26

The kids won't be winning if they are in a car accident because their stupid dad has been at work all day and thinks an 8 hour drive afterwards is a good idea!

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 11:28

What exactly is my agenda Mean??!!

I'm advising the op to sort it out before it goes to court and is made much worse for her.

I don't agree with jumping on the pack mentality of the ex must be a bastard, dick, lousy, deadbeat father. He might be but we have no idea of the real facts behind all this.

I'll say it again, this is a small issue. It can be sorted without any more detriment to the kids if they work together.

I'm not in this for point scoring.

fuzzywuzzy · 08/07/2017 11:29

What seems like common sense to us will not affect the courts. IME the courts and the judge are more likely to take Bakewells stance on the matter.

So have a list of alternatives he could do, eg; book a B&B and have the children from Friday night, then drive early morning Saturday.
Apply for flexi time or compressed hours every other week (this would be dependant on the nature of his job).
Ask for half days annual leave every other week.
Arrange for someone to pick up the children after school on friday and bring them to him or meet him half way.
The staying at his own flat is not a long term solution as the flat is up for sale, but he could temporarily stay with the children at his flat and then drive to his new place the following morning.

OP with regards maintenance are you going thro CMS for it? I wouldn't bother having a direct arrangement with a man who didn't bother paying for his DC.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 11:29

Seems strange that the NRP can stop an RP moving many miles away but if the NRP moves miles away, it's the RP who has to compromise and change their life to fit around the NRP who moved away.

If the RP had said she was moving away, then the NRP could have gone to court to prevent this - and would have used the reasons given on here.

But it seems not to work the other way around.

I can't understand why anyone would move halfway across the country away from their children.

MeanAger · 08/07/2017 11:32

Seems strange that the NRP can stop an RP moving many miles away but if the NRP moves miles away, it's the RP who has to compromise and change their life to fit around the NRP who moved away.

Indeed!

OP what is his job? Do you know?

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