Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is ex re. motorway drive?

285 replies

Mellaa · 07/07/2017 09:03

Ex h recently moved to a town 4 hours away tonne with his girlfriend.

He used to have the dc for 3 nights a week and has now cut it to one night a fortnight.

He collects them first thing on a Saturday morning and brings them home on a Sunday evening.

He's now telling me from now on he will be collecting them on a Friday night at 9pm to drive them to his house, arriving at 1am...

I am not happy with this as he will have been working all day then doing an 8 hour round trip with my dc in the car on a regular basis.

He is very tight with maintenance, (he owes me a fair bit in unpaid) and I suspect his plan is more to do with having the dc an extra night so cutting his maintenance by a fair bit...

AIBU?

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 08/07/2017 09:48

Maybe he should have thought about all this before he moved four hours away to live with his new girlfriend.

He can't bugger off to move four hours away and expect his small children to stay awake until 1am just to spend maybe a day and a half with him twice a month. He's being selfish and thinking about him, not his kids.

Besides, he has a flat already in the area where his DC live. Until it sells, why can't he drive down, and pick them up at 9am, spend the weekend with them where they live, then drive back on his own on the Sunday night?

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/07/2017 09:50

Bakewell, the OP clearly states that he owes her money in CS. Whatever he is paying, it isn't what he should be paying. And like I said, children don't suddenly cost less to feed because their dad has cut the child support!

If he was my ex I'd tell him to see me on court. Court is expensive and I wonder whether someone who is prepared to give up lots of time with his children to follow his dick girlfriend will be willing to drop all that cash on legal bills.
He didn't even bother to reply when the OP told him their child was suicidal!

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:53

Oh for gods sake!!! Yes we know he shouldn't have moved away etc etc etc. It's been said a million times now.

The point is he has, he and the kids still have a right to see each other. We are talking about a difference of Friday night or Saturday morning. Surely it's best for the kids to be there for a whole day on Saturday.

If op doesn't compromise she will find herself in court and the judge may rule she has to meet him halfway. She'll kick herself then.

caffeinestream · 08/07/2017 09:56

@bakewelltarty you're ignoring the fact that he has a flat near the DC! Why can't he have them there? There is absolutely no need for them to spend eight hours in a car to see him - he can drive down and see them in the flat he owns round the corner!

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:56

Avoiding - we don't know the whole facts but he is paying £240 per month at the moment.

Op also said he had the kids for 3 nights a week before he moved but now she is worried that he just wants to pay less CMS by having them for four nights a month so who knows what's the truth.

Court costs approx £200 to make an application and you can represent yourself. He wouldn't need legal representation over this issue.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 09:58

Bakewell

He is a lousy father. He owes child support, he prioritised his new relationship over his kids and moved hours away without a thought for the impact on his kids. Furthermore he continues to demonstrate he places his own wants and desires first by advocating such a long and possibly dangerous drive at that time.

He then threw his toys his toys out of his pram when the OP rightly stuck to her guns and he went home without seeing his children when all he had to do was wait until the following morning.

He didn't give a toss that the kids were expecting him and he let them down.

if it walks like a deadbeat and quacks like a deadbeat.....

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:59

Caffeine - no I'm not ignoring that fact. Op said it's up for sale. I'm assuming that it has no furniture/beds/connected to utilities etc for 3 kids.

He has a life and a DP somewhere else. He wants to integrate the kids into his life. The flat will sell and he will have to take the kids home before long.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 10:00

Will - well obviously you know of him and the situation personally.

RainyApril · 08/07/2017 10:00

I agree he shouldn't have moved four hours away, but if op has a new dh/baby then why can't her xh have a shot at that too?

He has not asked her to do any of the driving or contribute to the cost, so seems to accept that the onus is on him to make it all work.

The long drive thing wouldn't work in court. Official advice is to avoid driving more than 8hrs in one day and to take a 15min break in any journey of more than 3 hrs. As long as op's ex can show he is adhering to that, it won't be deemed dangerous.

A colleague of mine was in a similar situation two years ago. Her ex went to court and now he picks them up, but she has to collect them for the return journey.

Starlight2345 · 08/07/2017 10:01

Op..MN many people see everyone has to bend over backwards to facilitate contact.Doesn't matter you pick up most of the financial burden for these 3 children. You take time off work when they are sic ( at 4 hours away not an option) although realise you will be off at the moment with a young baby..Your life has to revolve around the whims of the NRP..
My 10 year old would not sleep in the car so would end up having a very late night. The 6 year old I assume would of been asleep already by 9pm. so would be woken to get in the car. then woken again when he arrives..but of course because dad wants it , this is in the best interests of the child.

What about offering the extra nights when it is a B/ h ? It gives him some extra nights.

caffeinestream · 08/07/2017 10:02

OP didn't move four hours away from her kids when she moved on, though. She had to think about them and accommodate them - just like their father needs to!

Good God, no wonder there are so many deadbeat dads around when so many people excuse them upping sticks and leaving their kids four hours away!

He had them nearly 50/50 until he decided his new gf was more important. His poor kids.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 10:03

Bakewell

Nope just the facts as presented by the OP and in agreement with the vast majority of replies.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 10:03

Bakewell

Nope just the facts as presented by the OP and in agreement with the vast majority of replies.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 10:05

Starlight - how do you know op didn't end the relationship and therefore knew full well what her responsibilities would be. I can't see how she is bending over backwards at all???? As Rainy said, he does all the driving, he accepts the onus is on him. He just wants to pick them up the night before. Is that really asking too much!!!!

Njordsgrrrl · 08/07/2017 10:05

I'll say it again. My DC is autistic and the family court has ordered me to drive half of the journey to where his father chose to move. Even though he doesn't work. Even though he pays no child support. Even though I look after DC and my other child for twelve days straight while XH does nothing and then have to do that during my 'respite' 48 hours every other weekend. Because of the timings and the motorways involved it takes five hours as a round trip usually. It happens. And it could happen to the OP.

RainyApril · 08/07/2017 10:07

I don't know whether he's a deadbeat dad or not, just looking at it from the dc's point of view and also the legal position.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 10:09

Oh well, I'll tell you what then. Let's punish the kids because of the decision of their father to move away.

We don't know the circumstances of the split or exactly why he moved but it doesn't matter MN has decided he is a lousy good for nothing father. He wants to pick them up the night before but NO, he must be punished.

Good luck with that.

Starlight2345 · 08/07/2017 10:11

It isn't relevant who ends the relationship..I say this time and time again on here whether there was an affair either side. Travelling at that time of night is not in the best interests of the children. IMO.

Starlight2345 · 08/07/2017 10:12

I am assuming it is the oldest that is suicidal so a very late night once a fortnight will help how?

DianneDionne · 08/07/2017 10:20

It's not the best situation obviously, but it does mean that they get more time with their dad which a court would favour. If the issue is the late night motorway driving then the suggestion of meeting half way is probably the best - that way the dcs get to their dad's house at 8/9pm rather than 1am. It also gives them more time to decide what to do the following day.

OP I hate motorway driving too, but is there a friend who might go with you the first few times? Or your DH if he's not working? I'd speak to your ex, make this suggestion and tell him you'll struggle for petrol money so he'll have to help you out that way since you will accommodate him. If it goes to court that's what will be ordered anyway, except without the expectation that he assists with fuel costs. You may as well do it out of court:

I think that's reasonable all things considered. I agree that he hasn't been very considerate of the dcs, especially since your DD is having problems at the moment and a late night isn't going to help that. But he's an ex for a reason, you just have to make the situation better for the dcs. Arguing and avoiding him is antagonistic and won't help the situation, your dcs are missing a weekend with their dad which is more disruptive than a late night. It's not your fault, I'd be livid too, but it's counterproductive to avoid him.

dimots · 08/07/2017 10:29

It is a known fact that driving tired affects your performance as much as driving drunk. An 8 hour round trip at that time of day is potentially lethal and the OP is right to be worried. I have had a similar situation and got round it by agreeing to the contact but insisting the majority of the travel is by train. Either OP delivers the kids to a train station local to him or he travels to their nearest station and OP meets him there. With a friends and family pass train tickets with kids are very reasonable, especially when booked weeks in advance. I would and have done this rather than risk a long journey for my kids with a tired driver. Even if the drive can be cut to an hour this will be much safer.

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/07/2017 10:32

So what happens if OP doesn't have a car? Or for people who csn't drive?
No wonder there are so many deadbeat dads if the system endorses not paying proper cs (£240 for 3 kids is nowhere near what OP pays), fucking off and randomly reducing contact and taking a view that rp just has to suck all this up!
I'd sell my car before I drove them halfway at night.

dimots · 08/07/2017 10:39

OP does have a car. In any case for shorter trips to the station there are taxis. Train tickets may well work out cheaper than the petrol for an 8 hour round trip, so the OP would not be unreasonable to ask the ex to pay for the transport.

SpareASquare · 08/07/2017 10:39

So who 'won' here? Wasn't the children, that's for sure.

He was there, they could have gone and then you had a fortnight to make sure that situation didn't happen again.

Hopefully the courts can sort it out without all the point scoring

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 10:41

Absolutely agree with you spare.

Swipe left for the next trending thread