To think it's no ones business where my money comes from?

[Temporaryname4958]

Hi, I've NC'd for this as I try to keep my finances off the net so would rather be as anonymous as possible. I enjoy a relatively nice lifestyle. I work (for myself) 3 days per month. Most of this is freelance work, relatively low paid I just want to keep up to date with my skills. I spend the rest of the time with my young child, experimenting with hobbies and interests and trying to have some kind of social life... I live my life for me and not for work. I am VERY lucky to be able to do so. I know this, I spent years living in poverty and I know how lucky I am and try to never make finances a subject of conversation or an importance socially as I'd really hate for anyone to be uncomfortable around me, anyhow. I have a new group of friends, in a new place that I live. I've been questioned quite intently about my finances as I do not have a partner (I have a husband but we are divorcing and don't live together) nor a "proper job". I never feel the need to disclose where I get my income, but some of these "friends" who probably don't deserve to be called that (and I'm one millimetre from cutting contact) have taken to calling me a "benefits scrounger" behind my back (FYI I've never claimed never intend to and I'm not eligible to either), other rumours include that im a drug dealer, a prostitute/some other fraudster. It's making me very upset.
One lady who isn't spreading these rumours that I know of but is in the group among where they're being spread has text me to say "perhaps if you actually come clean with how your money is made or how you live then all this will stop?" This has annoyed me for 2 reasons.

1. Coming clean infers I've lied/covered it up. I just try to avoid talking about it.
2. It's no ones business IMO.

I break no laws, Claim no tax payers money (although I feel this one is no ones business anyway as I'd never expect someone to tell me this!) and harm no one. Aibu to think it's no ones business and just cut these friends off? I like to spend time with them and it's nice to have people to talk to and go out with but this might just be a bit too far tbh.

and leil proves the point as to it being the big mystery that makes it fascinating to speculate. It's human nature.

Don't give up on a good friendship group for this natural curiosity unless you think there is malice behind it.
Joke about it yourself " I heard that you think I'm a drug dealer, high class hooker etc" Treat it lightly and then tell the boring truth, matter of factly. You never know it could bond you closer.

• so it seems

Okay Im just going to say what I think. Are you being deliberately provocative? You keep coming back to reiterate your three days work a month is low paid, just to keep your skills up, and that your lifestyle is really nice.

Come on; what do you do? Maybe some of us could give it a go?

I do typing from home which is low paid I suppose, but I could earn lots or a little depending on how much I work. I do claim the help Im entitled to after contributing for years through paid work, and Im not ashamed of that. I too have a nice lifestyle.

But why keep your close friends, who are obviously going to be curious, out of the loop like this? If youre anything near as provocative with the details in real life as you are on here then no wonder theyre curious.

Just tell them and tell us what you do so maybe we can learn from it. Why keep this secret?!

x post pand

If you've seen me reiterating that I work 3 days per month (someone said 3/per week I was probably correcting them ) user you'll have seen on page 2 that I expanded on where my income comes from. It's not a job.

I get it OP, it's none of their business and if you want to keep it quiet then that's your right. They have no right to then make up nasty rumours. Ditch them.

I have similar (on a much smaller scale). SAHM and my husband earns enough for us to get by at the moment, but we don't have money for luxuries. However my parents are very well off and although they don't help us financially (fair enough) they do like to buy me nice gifts for my birthday/xmas. So I might have a really nice designer handbag and some lovely expensive kitchen stuff etc. I have friends that raise eyebrows and assume I am either letting my kids go without to buy these things or am racking up reckless debt. It's silly, if they asked I would tell them they were gifts. But they don't and I don't feel I should justify myself.

People are always jealous of my lifestyle. It's all the money I make from Forever Living :)

If they are badmouthing you then they are NOT friends. Who knows what else they may be saying about you?

I wouldn't mention "small lottery win" or "independent wealth" in case it attracts attention of the criminal kind or spongers.

I would "let it slip" that you rent out a house you lived in years ago, to stop the unsavoury rumours, then slowly let these friendships die off. Curiosity is natural, unsubstantiated rumours are vicious and damaging.

GladAllOver

OP...I was (still am) in a very similar position to you..at one point I had seven income sources including several pensions from my late DH. I didnt always want to explain this to people I was socialising with, so yes a rumour of me a big time drug dealer did come up, and many people wanted to believe it.

I dont see why you should have to tell all and sundry where your income comes from. I would ditch the rumour mongers

Can you not just say to your friends when you see them individually that you have been brought up to believe that finance is a private matter, but that you've heard some people are gossiping behind your back. Just for the record, you have a private income, draw no benefits and work as necessary. Not a prostitute, drug dealer or anything else - boring - and private!

oldraver my main income source is similar to yours, but I also do some paid sessional work in OT. I have a child.

One of my most treasured comments about me when a client group were speculating was that they thought I must be "some kind of Scarlet Woman".

So where does this extra money come from? Are you this shady with your friends? 'Case that's going to be why they are speculating. Why keep things from your friends? That's weird.

You need to decide what bothers you more - the speculation or just giving whatever limited information will put an end to it. Saying "I rent out a holiday home" or something will get them off your back and isn't really talking about money as such.

Honestly, as a couple of other posters have suggested, I reckon they're taking the piss out of you with the "prostitution/drugs" stuff. Are you maybe very straitlaced? They are highly unlikely to think you're actually a pimping kingpin.

Do you live somewhere very isolated or sort of... sheltered? I mean somewhere where everybody has very similar values and job options, and aren't really exposed to people who aren't exactly like them?

Because the weird thing is, you're in tech. I'm in tech and I know tons of people who live/lived/could live exactly like you, because they were an early employee with stock options who got lucky when a start up was bought out. It happens all the time. Even relatively lowly IT bods can get a six figure sum to buy a house outright with a bit leftover to invest.

Likewise, and not to sound judgemental or anything - you are divorcing. Why on earth would people not assume you get generous maintenance? That is by far the most obvious thing most people would assume. You got all of the house and your rich ex pays lots of CM. (This is obviously a fairly toxic and sexist stereotype in a lot of ways, I'm just saying it's what people would think before they opted for "drug lord").

I think you must take life very seriously.
A. to feel the need to keep so so private
B. Not to find it funny that people are thinking up all sorts.

Maybe because in your experience people always "want something"
but people aren't always out to get you, you know. Hopefully there is no malice involved?

I like to spend time with them and it's nice to have people to talk to and go out with
Don't lose them then if you think they are generally "good people"

In my experience what takes a friend into a really good friend territory is sharing confidences. We share our good and our sad parts of our lives. I don't know their exact income and I wouldn't want to know. And I'm sure vice versa. However your reluctance to share even "boring' stuff', whilst not problem in itself would make me think "what else is she not telling me". Again not a problem in itself, but If i'm being candid about my own life then mutual sharing makes us closer and better friends.
And we probably would bond a bit more by gossiping and joking over a mystery and making jokey suggestions as to where the money comes from, but there really wouldn't be any malice in it.

But then not everyone is comfortable with this type of friendship. But there is a middle ground between your total privacy standpoint and my, some would call oversharing. stance.

Anyway lighten up if you have fun with these friends and don't take it to heart - unless you think they are doing it nastily, in which case its time to find new friends.

Thanks. I was just being nosey. So are your friends.

User, youd know if you'd read the 2nd page. But since you don't want to,
Careful savings
House sale proceeds
Savings interest
Careful investing in my younger years,
Rental income,
A generous amount of maintanence from H.
Freelancing as well as a few other minor bits and bobs. All in all I have around 15 different incomes. Some are small, some are ok, and one or two are substantial.
All perfectly sound and legit.
It's not necessary, relevant or comfortable (for me) to discuss things like this with people I know particularly those I've only known a few months.
If you don't understand, that's ok. But it doesn't mean I'm any more comfortable with it.
Oh and before I'm asked again,
Posting anonymously online is different to me. Kind of like discussing it with members of staff at banks or financial advisors. They're people you won't see again and if you do you'll certainly not be in a personal capacity. (Mind id love to do a loan application then get uppity when asked about my income that'd be funny )
Except it's like that for me because here I'm pretty anonymous, if that makes sense.

I bet you've won the lottery or have had a large inheritance.
I would think this, then move on with my life and not ask!

But they haven't been rude and asked. The op just found out they were speculating. As holdme says I doubt they really think you are a drug baron.

rightwhine
I'm quite a fun person and wouldn't call myself straightlaced although I am like that over money.
I think there's a vast amount of reasons that leads me to believe money isn't a good conversation topic and is best avoided.
Some are reasons I'd prefer not to go into, but one reason is that yes people who are overly interested are generally out for something. And I'm not talking just natural curiosity it's when you've been asked specifics like how much you earn or being asked the same question repeatedly despite not wanting to talk about it, which are two different things to me. My nearest and dearest who unfortunately are both few and far away don't give a shit at all.

I did find it funny for a little bit (the prostitute rumours) until I realised that they were serious - then it upset me a lot.

If they really were serious then perhaps it is best if you avoid them then.

But if you've only heard this from one friend then perhaps she got the wrong end of the stick or perhaps she is a shit stirrer?

Would anyone really say that in all seriousness? The obvious thing is inheritance or large divorce settlement.

Crikey, some if you expect a lot from friends! I never discuss money with friends, we discuss things like our children and what are we doing at the weekend!
I've known people like you op, one had been widowed sadly young, another was divorced but her dad gave her a generous monthly allowance. I didn't know for a long time, and never thought to want to know!

rightwhine not just one friend, I've actually overheard it myself too, and it's been spread around our very small local area. Someone has actually approached me wanting my err... services