To think it's no ones business where my money comes from?

[Temporaryname4958]

Hi, I've NC'd for this as I try to keep my finances off the net so would rather be as anonymous as possible. I enjoy a relatively nice lifestyle. I work (for myself) 3 days per month. Most of this is freelance work, relatively low paid I just want to keep up to date with my skills. I spend the rest of the time with my young child, experimenting with hobbies and interests and trying to have some kind of social life... I live my life for me and not for work. I am VERY lucky to be able to do so. I know this, I spent years living in poverty and I know how lucky I am and try to never make finances a subject of conversation or an importance socially as I'd really hate for anyone to be uncomfortable around me, anyhow. I have a new group of friends, in a new place that I live. I've been questioned quite intently about my finances as I do not have a partner (I have a husband but we are divorcing and don't live together) nor a "proper job". I never feel the need to disclose where I get my income, but some of these "friends" who probably don't deserve to be called that (and I'm one millimetre from cutting contact) have taken to calling me a "benefits scrounger" behind my back (FYI I've never claimed never intend to and I'm not eligible to either), other rumours include that im a drug dealer, a prostitute/some other fraudster. It's making me very upset.
One lady who isn't spreading these rumours that I know of but is in the group among where they're being spread has text me to say "perhaps if you actually come clean with how your money is made or how you live then all this will stop?" This has annoyed me for 2 reasons.

1. Coming clean infers I've lied/covered it up. I just try to avoid talking about it.
2. It's no ones business IMO.

I break no laws, Claim no tax payers money (although I feel this one is no ones business anyway as I'd never expect someone to tell me this!) and harm no one. Aibu to think it's no ones business and just cut these friends off? I like to spend time with them and it's nice to have people to talk to and go out with but this might just be a bit too far tbh.

wank I like to have guests, although hosting playgroups or groups of kids is my idea of hell.
Even speaking as a parent the only times (5 times) I've invited kids around my house has been left a mess and/or something is left broken. So I'm not going out of my way to have dcs over, my own make enough of a mess
I quite enjoy having people over in general though

I am with you OP on this. I have no desire to know how anyone earns or gets their money and therefore I don't understand why they would be interested in mine. My real friends would never ask about money nor would I. No-one is loaded by the way. There's plenty more interesting subjects to talk about.

I wouldn't give out details to any of those women because they probably wouldn't believe you anyway as gossip is much more interesting.
When a single parent I found I was the subject of much speculation and it pissed me off but I am not going in with an excel spreadsheet to a bunch of women to examine, they're meant to be friends, not accountants !

I'd say you were more acquaintances than friends because friends share info. Not details always but basics.
They've probably joked about these things but I don't think they can be classed as friends, because you are right, friends wouldn't be quite so gossipy. They wouldn't need to be.

Look some (many?) women like to gossip and know everything about everyone else and make sure that they know everyone elses business. This is so judgements can be made it seems. You may need less gossip motivated friends.

I don't understand why they would continue to press this if you weren't offering details.

Also if I had friends that were talking about me like that I really wouldn't consider them friends at all.
Loyalty and respect are the only currency that matter in a real friendship surely?

Your mistake was allowing yourself to become mysterious. If you had given an explanation right at the beginning, i.e. I was left a legacy from a deceased relative and this gives me a monthly income.

Job done.

But why should she automatically give her financial background to people?
I just can't see why it is anyone's business or why they would even care so much

Because everybody likes a mystery. It's been made into a big deal. It would have been inconsequential if not made into such a huge mystery.

I agree that keeping a low profile about your financial situation is the right way to live and that previously hard-up people can be more uptight about finances than those who've always been comfortable...

But there's no need to be so prickly about it.

Just brush it off with a "I'm a hipster, living off my good financial choices. Quite a lot of us around, you know!"
Humorous but clearly a "butt out" message.

I think you've given these acquaintances a cause for grievance with your attitude. Maybe cut them loose and start a new set of friends.

SecondRow,
Well you're right really. I don't know because I don't ask, it's not mentioned or talked about.
I know who does what and who works where as they do with me, but I'd never ask about money. I gather one lady (who's kept out of it as far as I know) has had some issues so I guess I know some financial details but on the whole I couldn't even give you a ballpark.
They all live reasonably similar lives, drive similar cars, have similar houses and as we tend to go out for coffees and lunch together, eat out at similar places. The difference being that all of them are in relationships/married and are either part time workers or SAHMs which is well... more "normal", but I don't give a shit who earns what. I've had/have friends from all kinds of backgrounds, rich and poor and the only people who've really ever cared are those who want something, which I guess ties into why I'm a bit cagey about the why's and wherefores/ how much (which also does feature).

But they wouldn't care. They have similar lives to you. The big mystery had made them care far more than they normally would.

I didn't even realise it WAS a big or important/interesting mystery until it was brought to my attention very recently (under a week ago).
It's not like I've walked around going oh well what can I say to make myself more mysterious/interesting/the centre of attention. I've been embarrassingly clueless about all of this.

Err, unrelated, but how are you finding your freelance work? I'd love some freelance web dev!

Places I used to work with as some old bosses or ex coworkers who've moved on are needing work done or referring me on when needed some freelance sites like people per hour, airtasker have a few bits now and then although in fairness it only amounts to about 10-20% of my work each month, as perhaps one job is available per day and it'll go to the person with the best reviews and price and you don't want to sell yourself short but getting reviews can be challenging.

It can be hard to come by, part of the reason I only dedicate 2-3 days a month to it as otherwise I'd be spending most of my working days trying to find more work.
Good luck Binary hope you can get something!

Normally I don't give a fig how much money someone has or where they got it from. It's something I never give any thought to. However, I am desperate to find out where you get your money from and I have no idea why .

Tbh I can't see the position the OP is in being much different than what you see on a lot of threads on MN where people are wondering how xxx can afford to have 3 big hols a year.
The answer is always
Inheritance,
Parents paying,
Careful savings
Not spending money on some things but spending some on the hols etc....
Having being lucky in buying one house and then selling it with a big profit etc...
It's not that unusual.
And yes having a exH that can pay a nice maintenance also helps.

I think that you need some new friends OP. Some that won't be as nosy and interfering as those ones.....

Page 2 Leil.
It's boring.
Promise.

People are nosy fuckers. I would ask for attention at the next group gathering and start a "confessional"

start with "all my money is legally earnt" then move onto the worst gossip and say what are you going to confess about your earnings/profession/benefit scrounging???

wont win you friends but will make your point... you are right absolutely none of their business and if they are so unkind as to try and bully you into confessing all as they see it then just walk away

Tell them you got the house in the Divorce and he pays mainteance. boring enough to make them walk away and so ,, oh

The op's aibu was -

Aibu to think it's no ones business and just cut these friends off? I like to spend time with them and it's nice to have people to talk to and go out with but this might just be a bit too far tbh.

She's not being unreasonable to think it's nobody's business but hers. The question is whether she wants to stick to her principles and refuse to say anything, or just say something bland like, "it's investment/rental income" in order to satisfy natural curiosity and not fall out with people she likes to spend time with. The phrase 'cutting off her nose to spite her face' springs to mind ...

Why not just say you're in IT (which you are).?

stone
Them asking isn't making me question the friendship.
It's the fact that because I've abstained from saying anything they think it's ok to insist upon knowing and to call me a prostitute/drug dealer/fraudster that's calling this into question.

I don't think questioning this is cutting my nose off to spite my face at all.
What an odd thing to say.

Beyonce
They know my occupation

I think the root of this is that you were raised to not talk about money and so get very uncomfortable don't seems natural and normal to avoid the topic. However, most people do talk about money, though to varying degrees, as it's part of the fabric of daily life and informs how we live, how much we work etc. Given that you're in a slightly unusual position and you're also resistant to talk about how you got there (which all seems pretty normal tbh) it's been perceived as you being mysterious.

I would hazard a suggestion that the gossip was in a joking way - e.g. Sue and Karen meet, your name comes up along with the mystery of your money, they start joking about prostitution etc. You know them best, but I'd think unless they were very nasty people they wouldn't seriously assume the worst, though they might joke about the mystery amongst themselves. Does that sound possible? Are you sure your friend couldn't have been exaggerating to get you to spill the beans to her?

Anyway, if you feel that's the case and given that this is slightly a problem of your own making, I'd just offer in the next conversation that you have them of your own volition. a cut down version of what you've said above, then never mention it again. Loosen up about it, in other words, and then it's nothing very interesting. People always talk about other people, if you don't think they're being malicious don't take it too much to heart, just laugh it off and keep them as casual friends.

On the other hand if your gut tells you they are being malicious, then tell your other friend in the same way, and go low contact (not no contact, as that could be construed as drama seeking and you don't want to feed a fire). If you do see them, be friendly, oblivious and superficial.

Oh. Well, there are IT jobs that pay generously. In that case, I'd be pissed off too.