To think it's no ones business where my money comes from?

[Temporaryname4958]

Hi, I've NC'd for this as I try to keep my finances off the net so would rather be as anonymous as possible. I enjoy a relatively nice lifestyle. I work (for myself) 3 days per month. Most of this is freelance work, relatively low paid I just want to keep up to date with my skills. I spend the rest of the time with my young child, experimenting with hobbies and interests and trying to have some kind of social life... I live my life for me and not for work. I am VERY lucky to be able to do so. I know this, I spent years living in poverty and I know how lucky I am and try to never make finances a subject of conversation or an importance socially as I'd really hate for anyone to be uncomfortable around me, anyhow. I have a new group of friends, in a new place that I live. I've been questioned quite intently about my finances as I do not have a partner (I have a husband but we are divorcing and don't live together) nor a "proper job". I never feel the need to disclose where I get my income, but some of these "friends" who probably don't deserve to be called that (and I'm one millimetre from cutting contact) have taken to calling me a "benefits scrounger" behind my back (FYI I've never claimed never intend to and I'm not eligible to either), other rumours include that im a drug dealer, a prostitute/some other fraudster. It's making me very upset.
One lady who isn't spreading these rumours that I know of but is in the group among where they're being spread has text me to say "perhaps if you actually come clean with how your money is made or how you live then all this will stop?" This has annoyed me for 2 reasons.

1. Coming clean infers I've lied/covered it up. I just try to avoid talking about it.
2. It's no ones business IMO.

I break no laws, Claim no tax payers money (although I feel this one is no ones business anyway as I'd never expect someone to tell me this!) and harm no one. Aibu to think it's no ones business and just cut these friends off? I like to spend time with them and it's nice to have people to talk to and go out with but this might just be a bit too far tbh.

so you have 'independent means', fair enough, but I can understand people's curiosity. It's quite unusual in these times to an income enough to live on beyond what you earn in salary .

Could you just mutter something about an inheritance and let the topic die?

I've never inherited a penny from anyone either,
The only thing I'm likely to inherit when my parents kick the bucket is a funeral bill.

Op these people are not your friends. They don't like you and you don't like them.

But what about existing mates? Do you do the Secret Squirrel routine with them? Cos it sounds a bit pompous TBH. Just say 'I've got investments'. End of.

I completely disagree with the posters saying OP should explain her finances in order to shut people up. It's natural to be curious, but demanding that OP explain herself and spreading rumours when she doesn't is just completely nasty.

OP, I wouldn't want to explain anything to these nasty cows either, especially not after what they've been saying. I'd actually be so tempted to start winding them up with increasingly weird and vague comments about money, but that probably isn't the most unhelpful thing to do.

I have experienced something similar a few times because I live in a very nice flat in a very nice area thanks to a savvy purchase by a family member years ago, who I now rent from at 'mate's rates'. My salary is very low and apart from the lovely flat, I have no other 'perks' financially. Day-to-day I have very little money to live on and I often struggle at the end of the month. When people hear where I live they're always curious, which I understand, but I can always spot the difference between those who are just thinking 'wow, nice place to live, how'd you manage that?' and those who immediately have me pegged as some kind of trust fund brat and think they have me all figured out.

Tell them it's from a family trust fund.

Well, I would drop these cretins, like a hot potato !

I remember when I lost 4 stone in a year through SW, some people on the estate where I lived started telling people it was because I had got hooked on cocaine

I don't even drink because I can't stand the room spinning, so the thought of snorting coke gives me the shakes. But I've learnt you can't stop people chatting shit, so you just have to grow a very thick skin and ignore it, OP.

The ones that are discussing if you're a sex worker/dealer etc, just cut them out. You sound like you enjoy your life, don't let others drag you down. There's no point in having people in your life that are arses, better to have only a few good ones that are true friends.

GetAHaircutCarl
I have a small handful of good friends, who don't know all that much because they don't care that much and I've never thought it relevant.
Probably part of the reason I don't see it as relevant now.
We still speak but it's hard to see these people now as they live very far from me now.

I get the curiosity and a bit of mild speculation...but calling the OP a benefits scrounger/drug dealer/prostitute behind her back?! Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans. They're not friends OP, they sound absolutely hideous. I'd honestly rather have nobody to talk to than people like that.

PEOPLE KNOW WHAT OCCUPATION I WORK IN

they might, but you seem to be rambling a lot if they wonder about your activity. I've never heard of any self-employed person being accused of being a benefit scrounger/ prostitution/ drug dealing etc.
No one ask them how many hours they work or to see their tax return. If someone asks more details, it's just to make polite conversation and show some interest, no one really cares!

You never have to justify what you do, but it really sounds like it's your attitude the problem. Even if someone is rude enough to ask you "how much do you earn" , just laugh and say "enough"/ "not enough".

It really sound like you are the one making a big deal out of it.

The rumours/thinking the worst case scenarios is bad. But you thought this was a pleasant bunch of people before this came up. And quite a lot of posters have also said they'd be very curious IF you made a big mystery of it (but also not at all deeply interested once the reality became clear).

So what do you think you will do next time? If you ditch this group of friends, the next lot of people are likely to pose the same questions - in just a normal, getting-to-know-you way. As in:

"so, you working this week?"
"No, just spending time with DC."
"Oh, good for you - but how do you pay your bills?"
"..."

So as PPs say, just have an answer ready, and no, it doesn't have to be a lie! E.g. "Well I'm mostly using my savings at the moment, I'm in an ok position after my divorce."

You really don't have to talk amounts with new friends - of course not! But you also don't have be secretive to a weird extent!

So if you don't want to say anything, truthful or otherwise, have nothing to do with them.

I'm not really sure what the big deal is. The fact that they want to know and you won't tell them will mean both sides are going to find this frustrating.

I think it's just easier for all (me particularly) when the topic of money is left well alone. I don't see how it matters at all and it only serves to make me (and maybe others I don't know) feel awkward.

But it's obviously not easier for you! It's causing problems so either get new friends or tell them matter of factly that it's rental income, maintenance and capital gains.

It's the secrecy that's piqueing their interests. Everyone loves a mystery to gossip about.

Or as second, said

"i'm ok after my divorce"

Why not just tell the truth? I imagine many people have incomes from similar sources.

Secondly I know through the grapevine or just done something similar so when I ask about something and they start being super vague or out right lying over something quite inconsequential I ask myself what else do they lie about. It gives me the rage.

You do seem a bit ragey generally.

I'm with you Op.

Why do they care?

It won't change anything!

With any imagination it wouldn't take that long to have a good guess at house sale/ex/inheritance.

Whilst not completely correct in your case, it's in the area so why do the exacts matter?

Honestly, I really don't understand all the fuss. Just respond with I live off my ex and savings/rental and leave it there.

But it's obviously not easier for you! It's causing problems so either get new friends or tell them matter of factly that it's rental income, maintenance and capital gains.

If they're anything like me, the mere mention of the words "rental income", "stocks and shares" "capital gains","ISAs" will be enough to put them into a persistent vegetative state.

Job done.

The thing is most friendship groups consist of similar people, educationally, financially, politically etc. If one member of the group blatantly refusing to discuss a topic it causes problems. If your friends don't know you perhaps they are frightened of discussing something which could upset or offend you.

I met a group of friends at toddler class but as the children grew up I knew less about her - she wouldn't discuss AT ALL the school/parents evening/exam results, her (return to work) job, pocket money, her family etc etc - I don't have a big social circle and she wasn't that interesting I would tell everyone or gossip about her.

Most people would say 'oh I saw Jane last week, Lily is doing really well at school now she has glasses, and Tommy has a paper round to fund his Lego interest, and her mum is home after her heart op but they are having problems with meals on wheels ' RATHER THAN 'I saw Jane last week, her carrots are growing nicely'

In the end any conversation became difficult and boring so I dropped out.

If they're calling you like this behind your back and you're happy they've never been to your house, I think the more important issue here is how you can be described as a group of friends!

Personally I find the idea that talking about money is bad very strange in itself. Obviously not itemising every single thing or whatever, but having it as a taboo topic? Nah. So I'd never have been as mysterious about it as you have, and would just have said oh I work and have some property income, and left it at that. Like the pp, I don't get the fuss at all. But if they don't respect your boundaries, however odd some of us might personally find them, I can't really see how they're worth bothering with?

With any imagination it wouldn't take that long to have a good guess at house sale/ex/inheritance.

I wonder, why, then, the OP's so-called friends' imaginations have gone off in totally different directions? Perhaps they are from a different milieu, in which case maybe the friendship would never have worked out anyway (not that people from different backgrounds can't be friends, but sometimes financial disparity complicates things...)

Now I want to ask the OP whether there is in fact financial disparity between her and this group of friends, but something tells me she's going to say "Why, I have no idea whether any of them own their homes outright/are independently wealthy/have any sources of income other than from regular employment... It's literally never come up in conversation!"

Queasy. I would love to know how? How if your income is £100 per week you can then spend £2000 per week without racking up a huge credit card bill

Rhubarb. Yes it gives me the rage when I know someone thinks I am so stupid that I won't see through their lies.

Example I know a mum and I know her ds has just landed his dream job, it is no secret everyone knew.
So during the conversation I ask a question over what her ds is going to do when he leaves uni.
I am expecting that she is going to tell me about his dream job, I was going offer my congratulations and the conversation would have carried on. Just small talk. I wasn't wanting to know the colour of his underwear or how much tax he was being paid. Instead she tells me she has no idea and expects him to sign on.
The whole room knew he was starting his job on the Monday.

I am stood there thinking why lie.

I forget about it and move on but it gives me the rage why people lie and are just so secretive and it makes me think what else they are keeping hidden.

If the op had just said that she was living off a property sale and cm then the conversation would have moved on. Only the op has made it a big deal.

You need to come up with random answers (I'm well known for being immature btw 😂)

"I sell my used knickers on Ebay"

"I steal staples from other people's documents, then sell them for scrap metal when I've got enough"

"I rent my toilet out to marathon runners/the National Trust"

"I run an organization called Nosey Fuckers Anonymous which I receive income from"

"I defrost my freezer every week, and sell the scraped off ice to the bar down the street"

Etc