To be upset by my 5yo

[Alexkate2468]

Could be long but will try not to be.
My almost 6 yo has always been a lovely girl, friendly, outgoing and funny. She's a very clever girl (school have identified as gifted) and is very good socially, more so with adults than with children.
Last night her baby brother was coughing badly (has been for a couple of days) and was struggling to get his breath. It was upsetting to see. DD turned around and said "it doesn't matter mummy, you'll still have one kid"
I was shocked. I asked if she'd understood what she said and she said yes. She then burst into tears and said she was sorry and didn't mean it and would do anything to take it back. I told her it was a disgusting thing to say (perhaps not the best reaction) and said that I was shocked. She kept apologising all night. My husband thinks I ABU to be upset but I can't look at her without hearing those words.
I'm sleep deprived from being up with ds so could be over sensitive...I just struggle to get my head around why that thought even crossed her mind. She's experienced death of a family member so knows what it means... Or maybe she doesn't fully? Maybe I expect more understanding because of how clever she is? I am actually really upset. Would you be?

Shes 5

5 year olds don't think before they speak.

If anything it sounds like she needs reassurance that her brother will be fine rather than people being upset and angry with her

I think you are expecting more because she is gifted. She apologised and was upset. That should be the end of it.

She's only 5. She said something to try to comfort you and got it wrong, badly wrong, but she didn't mean it in a bad way. She probably feels desperately unhappy that she made her mummy sad. Please go and give a big hug and tell her you love her.

Aiwa, I'm aware she s 5.

She may be very intelligent but she's still just a little girl - kids say all sorts of silly, and sometimes hurtful things. I think you should forget about it. I don't think you should mention it to her again. I wouldn't be upset at all.

Bit harsh op. She's just a kid. I'd have probably told her it wasn't a very nice thing to say before going off and laughing into a pillow. It's not nice when you have a sick baby, but I think you need to cut her some slack.

Honestly, please take it with a pinch of salt. She has no understanding of what it would really mean if her brother wasn't here. At 5, there's not really any concept of death. She was actually probably trying to make you feel better as she could see you were worried. Shes only 5

This won't be the last time she says something to upset you. That's kids. They don't think before they speak. And she is only 5 at the end of the day. She may be academically gifted but she won't be advanced emotionally enough to understand that there are some things you just don't say out loud!! Forget it or you'll hold it against her for a long time and potentially sour your relationship.

No, my 4 year old says things like "I don't love you I love Daddy" to Daddy he will say "I only like mummy' leave me alone." I know not the same thing but at this age they do say things they don't mean a lot of the time for a reaction.
I'd tell your DD it wasn't a nice thing to say and then move on. She's only little. Don't treat her like an adult who'd said that.

I think youve been inappropriately hard on her. She was clearly thinking that he might die. You should have reassured her that he wasn't dying and it was just a cough. Instead you had her distraught! Complete over reaction on your part. You owe her an apology.

I think you're being over-sensitive. She's 5. She doesn't fully understand what it means to die. Kids tell it as it is at that age. My DDs have come out with similar-ish comments. Such as my mum is going to die soon because she's old. When my 10 year old heard about Ian Bradey dying, she asked how many children he'd killed. When I answered that I thought it was 4, her reaction was 'is that all?!' I thought he'd have killed more than that.

So, yes, I think YABU to feel that way towards a young child. Sleep deprivation kills all rational thinking!

I already have hugged her. I've not shown here how upset I am ( except for my initial knee-jerk response) but just thinking about it makes me feel really upset.
I think yout be right, maybe she tried to comfort and got it really, really wrong...

She maybe clever, funny etc but she's not perfect and will say the odd thing she doesn't mean, understand or regrets don't you? If she's been apologising all night and crying she needs you to reassure her she's not the bad person she now thinks she is, as others say she's only 5 poor girl.

And even if she was being horrid/factual on the back of thinking her brother might die, you dealt with it wrongly. You should have gently helped her reflect instead of hauling her over the coals

She is 5.

5 years of practice in social situations and knowing what to say.

I have had 40 and still get it wrong sometimes.

I think your reaction was way over the top. When my DD was 5, she described her plan of me and DH going to a senior home after we have given her our house so she can marry her boyfriend when she is grown up.
It's children, they are still learning everything, including social skills. You don't have to be upset and don't make a big drama out of it. She wasn't cruel.

What an OTT reaction!!

She's 5. She has no idea what its like to loose someone. She won't really get the finality of death. She has no conception of a mother's love for her children.

The only disgusting and cruel thing here is your reaction.

Fair enough, my initial reaction was wrong. Hold my hands up to that. However, I think some of you sound like I dragged it on over a period of time. I didn't. She was comforted and reassured that baby would be fine. She kept bringing it up and apologising, I kept telling her not to think about it anymore, that she'd made a mistake like all people do. It was me dwelling and thinking about it in my head.I haven't let her know that I was upset, and I can see now that it's sleep deprivation making it worse than it really is.

God my sister was born when I was nearly 5 and I used to say to my mum quite frequently "I hate Joanie, I want to kill her"

My mum just used to roll her eyes and ignore me.

I assure you I did not turn out to be a psychopath and my sister and I are best buds now!

I remember my kids have said some really inappropriate things like that too, especially about death. I had a late miscarriage a few years ago and DD 4/5ish said oh well at least you won't have to look after a crying baby. Obviously there would be nothing more in the world that I'd have wanted to do at that point than hold my crying baby.

It's not her fault, she's still very young.

She's kept apologising all night. You could hardly bear to look at her. I think she knows exactly how upset you were.

My little brother was that about that age when he said something similar- we were about to leave the house to visit my baby brother in hospital who was being treated for suspected meningitis.

He said 'let's go to see the baby have his death'. Obviously we were all like WHATTT but he was only little and trying to 'joke' in a stressful situation. The same way adults try and lighten the mood but get it wrong. He was only little. There was no menace in his words at all.

Not being able to bring yourself to look at your little girl is a bit much! Bet she feels awful.