To be upset by my 5yo

[Alexkate2468]

Could be long but will try not to be.
My almost 6 yo has always been a lovely girl, friendly, outgoing and funny. She's a very clever girl (school have identified as gifted) and is very good socially, more so with adults than with children.
Last night her baby brother was coughing badly (has been for a couple of days) and was struggling to get his breath. It was upsetting to see. DD turned around and said "it doesn't matter mummy, you'll still have one kid"
I was shocked. I asked if she'd understood what she said and she said yes. She then burst into tears and said she was sorry and didn't mean it and would do anything to take it back. I told her it was a disgusting thing to say (perhaps not the best reaction) and said that I was shocked. She kept apologising all night. My husband thinks I ABU to be upset but I can't look at her without hearing those words.
I'm sleep deprived from being up with ds so could be over sensitive...I just struggle to get my head around why that thought even crossed her mind. She's experienced death of a family member so knows what it means... Or maybe she doesn't fully? Maybe I expect more understanding because of how clever she is? I am actually really upset. Would you be?

I didn't say I could hardly bare to look at her. I said when I look at her I can hear those words. She doesn't know that

It sounds to me like she was making a joke. A bad one but hey, she's 5. You're totally overreacting.

She is 5 years old, for goodness' sake! At that age children do not communicate at all times in what adults would regard as a sensitive way. Why would you expect that? They say whatever they think and even when they are older they may well do the same thing.
Your poor little girl doesn't need your anger.

YABVU

I have a 5yo who just says what ever comes into her head. She also does a lot of trying to look on the bright side if anything is wrong - e.g. "at least he didn't die" when family pet had a pretty awful accident, "at least you still have two lungs" when I coughing, and in reference to a friend who had a lung removed due to cancer. It wouldn't surprise me if she said some thing like "at least you'd still have me"...and she'd not think about any implications. Honestly, I think you're overreacting to how a young kid has responded to a situation they recognised as upsetting and stressful.

You look at her and "hear these words"? I feel sorry for her.

Your words hurt far more than hers did Op.

Yabu as you seem to realise.

I have a 5 and 7 year old and they say things without fully appreciating the emotional impact. They're not mature!!!!

Telling her she said something disgusting will really really have hurt her feelings. She'll carry that one for a while.

You said it was a disgusting thing and are probably reacting on a micro level to her which she will be picking up on

At 5 they talk about death and dying a lot, its a concept they have heard of but not one that they understand. She probably was trying to gauge how serious it was by the comment she made. You say you know she is five but I am not sure that you have processed what that means. It means how you saw the comment is entirely different to how she saw it.

You need to forget it otherwise you will damage your relationshop with her

Ok- can everyone stop sticking the boot in! Op KNOWS she got it badly wrong.

You have unrealistically high expectations of your Dd, you need to lighten up, whether she is gifted or not.

Maybe she is feeling a little left out with the attention being on the baby because he was sick. Said what was in her head and then realised.

She has shown remorse for what she said. Time to put it behind you difficult as it is.

Yabvu, she's 5! 5 year olds say some crazy stuff. You should be amused rather than "disgusted"

I kept telling her not to think about it anymore, that she'd made a mistake like all people do.

Like people do? She is a CHILD who does not have the emotional intelligence to make a "mistake" in the adult sense. If she is still apologising, then your initial reaction was way over the top.

Hi OP

I too think you are massively over-reacting sorry.

My 4 yo is probably a lot like your DD in that she's astonishingly verbal and can formulate the most incredible ideas and then express them with amazing clarity. Most adults say she chats like a grown-up.

Which makes it very easy to forget that she's only 4 and that emotionally, she's a long long long way away from how mature she sounds.

I have to remind myself of this when she's being a very very typical 4 year old and suddenly starting to get annoyinglly silly at bedtime, or when she suddenly says something startlingly rude/cheeky. It's so normal for her to sound more like a 6 or 7 year old (who I would pull up if they were that rude or blunt) that when she actually talks like her age, it's a shock.

4 year olds and 5 year olds (hell, 6 and 7 and 8 and 9 year olds) say silly things, things they don't mean, they honestly don't think before they speak a lot of the time no matter how gifted or verbal they are.

I myself remember being about 6 (and I was another highly verbal and bright child) and my mum came out of the bathroom from doing a poo one day and I said, before I could stop myself (I remember the sensation) 'You smell!' She hit me on the face (which is a whole over thread) and I could see the shock in her eyes that a little 'grown up' child like I was had said something so crass. I was shocked too, more by the sudden blurting out that I hadn't meant to do, even, than her hitting me.

Please don't go overboard on this. Your DD clearly feels bad (which I'd argue she shouldn't anyway) and has apologised (which I'd argue she didn't really need to do in the first place).

My DD is fond, at the moment, of telling me she 'feels dead'. She may chat like a child twice her age most of the time but when she's tired she just says any old crap and often she likes to shock me too.

So yes, in a nutshell, YABU but I think you know that? Sleep deprivation is a bugger, good luck.

Please accept her apology and move on.

Your dd was trying to say something to console you because you were worried about her brother. She is just a small child. Intelligent or not, please don't forget she's is not much more than a baby herself.

You say you feel upset? Your daughter must feel desperately sad, hurt and confused that you are treating her this way .
Forget it now.

Whole OTHER thread not whole OVER thread grrr

PovertyJetset
People are responding genuinely. Who are you to tell other posters what not to do?

Is there more to this op? Not to get all head tilty, but your reaction sounds very ott. I also think your reaction to her had the potential to do more damage to her than her comment did to you, but maybe we're not getting the full story.

I think the fact she kept apologising means she could see that you were upset with her and was worried. Kids can pick up on these things without anything being said.

OP's said she realised her reaction was a bit much.

Is it actually helpful to continue to berate her?

Just because she is apparently intellectually able does not mean that extends to all areas.

This is AIBU and the question was asked. You cannot choose how you want people to respond. Get over yourselves.

I think you have overreacted to this, and some. Your gifted (and no doubt sensitive as a result) child has 'kept apologising all night.') What a shame. 6 year olds say some dreadful things- they are still developing empathy and they also like to say things that shock. She understood quickly that what she said was acceptable, but you went too far, and I think you know it. It's an easy mistake to make as you were obviously viscerally shaken, and you can't take it back now anyway so I'd try to move past it. However you can now throw your efforts into reassuring her that things are oK between you and putting things right again because this is your fault, not hers.

Even adults make the odd faux pas, and she's 5, fgs!

She may be gifted all you like, but she won't have a proper, grown-up understanding of what dying means. I'm firmly with your DH here, YWBU.