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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by my 5yo

140 replies

Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 10:11

Could be long but will try not to be.
My almost 6 yo has always been a lovely girl, friendly, outgoing and funny. She's a very clever girl (school have identified as gifted) and is very good socially, more so with adults than with children.
Last night her baby brother was coughing badly (has been for a couple of days) and was struggling to get his breath. It was upsetting to see. DD turned around and said "it doesn't matter mummy, you'll still have one kid"
I was shocked. I asked if she'd understood what she said and she said yes. She then burst into tears and said she was sorry and didn't mean it and would do anything to take it back. I told her it was a disgusting thing to say (perhaps not the best reaction) and said that I was shocked. She kept apologising all night. My husband thinks I ABU to be upset but I can't look at her without hearing those words.
I'm sleep deprived from being up with ds so could be over sensitive...I just struggle to get my head around why that thought even crossed her mind. She's experienced death of a family member so knows what it means... Or maybe she doesn't fully? Maybe I expect more understanding because of how clever she is? I am actually really upset. Would you be?

OP posts:

RidingWindhorses · 06/07/2017 12:14

My mum was devastated after her mother had just died of cancer, I wanted to cheer her up so I said '"it's ok mummy I can see her in the sky!" I couldn't understand why that didn't help. I was 4.

If my mum had said she it was a disgusting thing to say and she was shocked, I'd have been very upset.

tinypop4 · 06/07/2017 12:19

DD said something similar when toddler DS fell over a short while ago, it was 'don't worry mum, if he's dead you've still got me'. It was her clumsy 4 year old way of trying to comfort me - I thought although it was awkwardly phrased she was actually quite mature to try and do that, which I think is probably what your DD was trying to do too.
You over-reacted like many parents do day after day, don't worry about it she won't be damaged for life and neither will you!

Ginkypig · 06/07/2017 12:19

I don't know if your still going to be reading this but incase.

I'm not trying to be horrible op so I hope you don't read it like I am!

I think you have confused her intellect with her emotional maturity.

Children even very clever ones still don't necessarily "get" things in the way you expect them to, it's confusing because she might come across as very advanced both emotionally and intellectually but that doesn't mean that she can process things with an adult eye that only comes from having lived in the world long enough to be able to do that.

Does that make sense?

So my advice is remember she is still a very young child and although she is gifted she doesn't necessarily have the skills that she on the outside she seems like she should, so keep that in mind and don't be upset because these things are a normal things for children to do.

SeekingSugar · 06/07/2017 12:22

LOL 😂 at the prostitute comment! Oh I love kids.

When my mother died my son said, "well that's good because she wasn't very nice, was she?" 😂

HeteronormativeHaybales · 06/07/2017 12:25

I'm not sure OP does 'get it', though, because she's (sorry) flouncing off here because she's had a rough ride. I don't think it's helpful to tell her glibly that she's a 'wonderful mother' - we don't know that, and the excerpt of her parenting that has been posted here doesn't suggest it.

I had a mother who would have reacted like this. There was a lot of dramatic shock and deliberate disgust at childish things I said and a lot of imbuing of them with adult emotions and motivations. OP saw how profoundly her reaction and admonition distressed her dc and came here talking about her own upset and seeking validation for it.
'I would do anything to take it back' is very fraught and quite adult language and suggests this child knows already about her mother's high-stakes emotions. Speaking of disgust after the poor child had said that suggests cruelty.

OP, sorry for speaking about you in the third person, but you said you're no longer reading. If you are, you really need to put this right and make it up to her. You need to love her and reassure her and tell her that not she, but you made the mistake, that you were worried about her brother and were far too hard on her. You need to make her secure again in your love. Then you need to reflect carefully on your attitude to her.

Jaxhog · 06/07/2017 12:41

Get a grip! She's 5!

StaplesCorner · 06/07/2017 12:43

Wow, if you think that's bad wait till she's 14.

Seriously, if you have taken on board that you were in the wrong not her then fine, and although I can understand your reaction, its a lesson to you to reign it in.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/07/2017 12:45

What is stopping you from picking her up tonight and apologising to her?

Your reaction was wrong. And therefore she is owed an apology. I sometimes get it wrong. I did with dd this morning and apologised. I've never said her words were disgusting though even when she's wished me dead. I really hope you learn from this experience.

scottishdiem · 06/07/2017 12:46

Your initial and continued reaction is wrong.

I can't look at her without hearing those words.

Let go. She was five. You are attaching thoughts and emotions to a person that is not yet capable of rations thought. You are. Try it.

JustAloneSeeingOnlyNothing · 06/07/2017 12:58

At some point she's going to wish you / her brother / the dog / grandma was dead... It means nothing, a 5 year old does not have the ability to truely understand death and what it means it's just words.

MadMags · 06/07/2017 13:02

Are people bothering to read?

OP said repeatedly that she overreacted and she is going to put it right.

What more do you want from her?

nina2b · 06/07/2017 13:06

don't think it's helpful to tell her glibly that she's a 'wonderful mother' - we don't know that, and the excerpt of her parenting that has been posted here doesn't suggest it.

Yes, I thought the flattery was a bit glib.

TheStoic · 06/07/2017 13:06

This is AIBU. They want her first-born.

WeAllHaveWings · 06/07/2017 13:08

YABVVVVU

You really need to look at your reaction and make sure you do not repeat this type of response, she is 5 years old!!!! Being academically gifted is irrelevant. She saw her mum upset, tried to comfort her, didn't mean what she was saying and you attack/confuse her and call her disgusting.

An appropriate response would have been "but then your db wouldn't be here and that would make us all sad", or make a joke of it "haha, that's not nice to your brother "

nakedscientist · 06/07/2017 13:10

OP if you are still reading, I'm guessing you wanted to be reassured that your DD is not showing that she's a psychopath by saying this about DS, she's not

As others have said, she's too young to understand what she was implying and to then project that scenario into the future. So don't worry any more about that. You sound like a thinker and that's fine it just means that you might brood more on things, like your DD has!

She did voice your deepest fear, as others have said, that's why you felt so bad. Also tiredness.

My oldest DD (perfectly normal (kidult) woman now) told me all sorts of weird things she thought when she was a kid. One of the oddest was that she poured away water that was next to her bed incase I'd poisoned it!

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