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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my 5yo

140 replies

Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 10:11

Could be long but will try not to be.
My almost 6 yo has always been a lovely girl, friendly, outgoing and funny. She's a very clever girl (school have identified as gifted) and is very good socially, more so with adults than with children.
Last night her baby brother was coughing badly (has been for a couple of days) and was struggling to get his breath. It was upsetting to see. DD turned around and said "it doesn't matter mummy, you'll still have one kid"
I was shocked. I asked if she'd understood what she said and she said yes. She then burst into tears and said she was sorry and didn't mean it and would do anything to take it back. I told her it was a disgusting thing to say (perhaps not the best reaction) and said that I was shocked. She kept apologising all night. My husband thinks I ABU to be upset but I can't look at her without hearing those words.
I'm sleep deprived from being up with ds so could be over sensitive...I just struggle to get my head around why that thought even crossed her mind. She's experienced death of a family member so knows what it means... Or maybe she doesn't fully? Maybe I expect more understanding because of how clever she is? I am actually really upset. Would you be?

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 11:37

Secretly hating her? I can tell you that nothing I felt ever came close to that. Sad and confused was what I felt..Shocked initially. I'm pretty sure my girl knows I love her. She's had 5 years of lovely times with us. This was a one off... And like others have said, it can be put right and I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm not sure what your response here was trying to achieve... I've already admitted I was wrong, dwelling on it isn't going to make it right

OP posts:
IsabelleSE19 · 06/07/2017 11:37

OP I can sympathise with you totally, and have made similar mistakes myself more than once. I found that once my DD was born, I seemed to expect too much of DS just because he was the older one, regardless of his actual age IYSWIM. It's still something I have to pull myself up on and I don't always get it right.

Hope your baby's cough gets better very soon.

NellieBuff · 06/07/2017 11:38

I didn't say I could hardly bare to look at her. I said when I look at her I can hear those words. She doesn't know that But she will have. She is 5 and no I am not putting the boot in but if you react like this over something so trivial what are you going to be like over the big stuff.

YOU made your daughter cry all night - not this forum. Woman up! And having lost one of my own I know how scary the world can be but do not take it out on your daughter.

All that said I hope the little one gets better soon. Flowers

TheSeaTheSkyTheSeaTheSkyyyyyy · 06/07/2017 11:39

Huuuuuuuge overreaction, wow.

BunsOfAnarchy · 06/07/2017 11:40

@Alexkate2468 we all make mistakes. We all as adult and children overreact. So what. No biggie. We lash out on those we love at times....but they forgive and forget too. It's okay. You've not done anything wrong.

You have a wonderful relationship with your children. Don't feel guilty. I'm 30 and my mum still has a go at me and probably started from the day I was born. I still idolise her and I love her for being such a hot head.

Maybe at times just remember she's still a kid. Sometimes you can't help it but oh well, it's not a big deal.

You're a wonderful mother. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty x

VeryButchyRestingFace · 06/07/2017 11:44

DD turned around and said "it doesn't matter mummy, you'll still have one kid

I said much the same thing to my mother at a similar age when I saw her crying after my sibling actually had died.

My mum recognised it for what it was, me trying to be helpful. It's a blunt statement (to the point of heartless if an adult says it) but ultimately true.

PuppyMonkey · 06/07/2017 11:44

You overreacted OP but not half as much as most of the people on this thread have TBF Wink. I hope the little one gets well soon, don't worry about the incident any more, it's all water under the bridge. Brew

Rachel0Greep · 06/07/2017 11:45

She was probably frightened seeing her little brother struggling and what came out was her confused way of trying to help.

Hope that you can get some rest, OP, and if she dwells on it anymore say it's forgotten and have a big hug with her.

OhGood · 06/07/2017 11:46

OP, she probably wanted you to pick her up and cuddle her and tell her he will be fine, no-one's going anywhere, and she's your little angel girl and you love her.

You could still do that. You should.

OhGood · 06/07/2017 11:48

My DD regularly asks when her cat will die because she wants a kitten; has suggested that we give her baby brother away ("Well, if we give him to someone in the village we'll still SEE him") and other merrily casually gruesome stuff.

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 11:48

Ok, this is going to be my last comment on the thread.
Thank you (genuinely) to those who pointed out in a more diplomatic way that IWBU. I love my girl and I'm sure she knows that. It was an isolated incident wrapped up in a lot more going on that I should have handled differently. I'm going to make sure it's put right.
I never felt any hate towards her and she's didn't cry all night. She had not been subjected to some torrent of abuse as some of you se to think.
Some of your posts were really helpful on helping me gain perspective, that's what I needed. Feel free to carry on here but that's me finished here ands moving on.

OP posts:
WanderingTrolley1 · 06/07/2017 11:49

Blimey. That's not the worst she'll say...

EpoxyResin · 06/07/2017 11:50

Alexkate it's because your daughter knows you love her that she thought what she was saying would be a comfort to you, don't beat yourself up.

She wasn't thinking about the love between you and your ds or dismissing it, she was only thinking about hers and your relationship and how that would surely continue to make you happy - kids are very self-centred when it comes to emotions, it's normal.

I'm glad you're going back to the doctor for your ds - "struggling to breathe" would be hospital for me and I don't care what anybody has to say about that. If his nostrils are flaring or he's "sucking in" under his ribs I'd go, or if his skin is mottled or his breathing rate is particularly fast (I'd Google the magic number for calling 111 as I can't remember it off hand). If all of that's okay then just stick with your GP. Breathing problems are so common in littlies but they do like you to go in if you have any of the signs listed.

clearingaspaceforthecat · 06/07/2017 11:53

Flowers Alexkate
I hope your little one feels better soon and you can get some rest.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 06/07/2017 11:55

She was upset because she kept talking about it

SeekingSugar · 06/07/2017 11:56

Yes you are way overthinking this. Try to be more accepting of your lovely daughter and to assume the best. It's actually quite a gorgeous thing that she said, she was trying to comfort you, but she only has the vocabulary and context of a small child. I absolutely adore children's honesty and attempts to express themselves, what a treasure your girl is. Try to let her be little and not burdened by your problems.

Majora · 06/07/2017 11:56

I remember saying to my mum once when I was a kid (about a lady on TV getting a home makeover) 'wouldn't it be funny if she had a miscarriage because she was so shocked?'. I'd only just learnt in a very biological way what a miscarriage was and I hoenstly thought it was no big deal. I didn't have any understanding of them at all, I was around your kid's age and it upset my mum a lot but I was honestly just trying to make her laugh. Didn't see how mean spirited it would come across at the time.

SnotGoblin · 06/07/2017 11:57

Alexkate, people don't thing you subjected her to a torrent of abuse or that you sat around seething with hatred. People are reacting to what you described in your posts and are finding it pretty shocking.

I know it feels like a bit of a personal attack but you did ask for opinions on quite a shocking overreaction and exchange.

midnightramesses · 06/07/2017 12:00

My mother used to take EVERYTHING we said as children seriously...and personally.

When I was 9, the Yorkshire Ripper was all in the news for killing prostitutes. I was watching the news one night with my mother and grandmother, and asked my mother 'what's a prostitute?' My mother ignored me, but my grandmother said 'a lady who like parties'...and I replied 'like mum then'...

My mother was so angry at me! She explained afterwards, but she was so angry at me for ages afterwards...went around telling anyone who listen that I called her a prostitute...and she wasn't telling it as a joke, she was still very angry with me. I'm now 48 and she still brings it up sometimes...

It took a psychologist pointing out to me that I was a CHILD and didn't have a clue what a prostitute was, so therefore it wasn't my fault, for me to stop feeling guilty about what I said.

This is just one example of many. You are making the mistake of thinking that your 5 year old child thinks the same way, has the same understanding of words that you as an adult do. It's really not fair on her. Cut her some slack ffs.

clearingaspaceforthecat · 06/07/2017 12:03

RTFT people.
She gets it. You don't have to keep hitting her over the head with it.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 06/07/2017 12:04

midnight Flowers for you as I went through something similar. In fact, reading the replies on this thread has helped so thank you all.

TheVanguardSix · 06/07/2017 12:06

It's not easy to hear such stuff from the mouths of babes. And that's just the thing... these words are from the mouths of little people who don't rationalise or have a sense of logic or 'reality' as we 'wise' adults know it.
If your daughter said that at 12, I'd worry. But at 5? No way.
FWIW, I have a similar 'relationship' between my DD (7) and DS (3).

I am wondering if your reaction is not so much to the words she said but to the reality that for now, she's not mad keen on her brother, the interloper! Grin It's a very common reaction and will dissipate with time as their relationship evolves into a great, loving friendship. But again, this requires a more mature heart and mind... and time! Time makes it all smoother. 5 is very, very, very young. The irony is that, in her own 5 year old head, she was trying to make it all sound better. She was trying to comfort you in her own, weird, dark, 5 year old way. Because kids are a bit weird and dark! 5 is also the age where we really begin to realise that we are finite beings... we die. That's a huge concept. We don't understand death at this age. We just realise that it happens.

Hug your girl and mean it. Forgive her and move on.

They don't call it 'infants' for nuthin'!
Hope your son recovers quickly.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 06/07/2017 12:07

My 19 month old started choking on a piece of nectarine the other day - all the 6yo said was "be quiet babyzag, I can't hear the avengers" they're just not that empathetic at this age, and maybe a bit jealous? 6yo also once said I was more his mummy than ds2 as he'd been here first (!)

Ceto · 06/07/2017 12:11

Seriously, this is the sort of thing that would become a family joke in most families. My SiL tells the story of a conversation between her daughter and her mother when her 5 year old daughter asked her Granny if she was going to die. Gran said that yes, sadly everyone dies, so she would eventually. Daughter thought about it for a bit and said "Well, don't do it in our house, will you?"

Viewed one way, that could be seen as horribly callous and uncaring. But the entire family viewed it as hilarious.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/07/2017 12:12

I'm terrified of losing him and..that fear got mixed up in my reaction Absolutely. That's a very honest admission, Alex and very understandable. You were horrified that your dd (innocently) voiced your deepest fear.

I'm glad you've gained some clarity and want to put it right.