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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my 5yo

140 replies

Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 10:11

Could be long but will try not to be.
My almost 6 yo has always been a lovely girl, friendly, outgoing and funny. She's a very clever girl (school have identified as gifted) and is very good socially, more so with adults than with children.
Last night her baby brother was coughing badly (has been for a couple of days) and was struggling to get his breath. It was upsetting to see. DD turned around and said "it doesn't matter mummy, you'll still have one kid"
I was shocked. I asked if she'd understood what she said and she said yes. She then burst into tears and said she was sorry and didn't mean it and would do anything to take it back. I told her it was a disgusting thing to say (perhaps not the best reaction) and said that I was shocked. She kept apologising all night. My husband thinks I ABU to be upset but I can't look at her without hearing those words.
I'm sleep deprived from being up with ds so could be over sensitive...I just struggle to get my head around why that thought even crossed her mind. She's experienced death of a family member so knows what it means... Or maybe she doesn't fully? Maybe I expect more understanding because of how clever she is? I am actually really upset. Would you be?

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 06/07/2017 10:43

She wasn't saying she wanted her brother dead. She was trying to comfort you that you'd still have her if he was to pass away. Maybe she's been more worried about him than you realise.

Underthemoonlight · 06/07/2017 10:44

My 3 almost 4 has an obsession with death she turned round and said if DS2 dies will we have another baby. I calmly told her he wasn't going to dead and that sometimes people of different ages do die but DS2 is a healthily little boy. Regardless if your DC is bright my dd is bright constantly asking questions about alsorts but she is still just 5 years old.

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 10:44

Fair enough, I've got it now.
I can assure you that we have a very good relationship other than this. This morning, she was bouncing about as normal and it's really hard to convey there FULL situation in one post.
I'm pretty sure that my relationship with her isn't damaged permanently and things will go on as normal. Like I said, fair enough, I got out wrong this time, l can learn from it and move on. I'm not however, the horror that some of you are making me out to be. I too, made a mistake.
Thanks for the flaming though.

OP posts:
recklessgran · 06/07/2017 10:44

OP don't beat yourself up. It's you that has made a mistake not her. She is only 5 emotionally no matter how bright. It's very difficult when you have such a disparity between intelligence and emotional development. [Been there-got the T-Shirt!]. Hope your baby is getting better and you get some sleep.Try to do something lovely with your DD to show her that she is still loved and special and try to move on.

KurriKurri · 06/07/2017 10:45

You say you can't look at her without hearing those words,- have you considered that she may be constantly rehearing the words 'disgusting' and 'shocked' that you used to her.She's got the excuse of only being five when she says hurtful things. Poor little girl.

If she is gifted, her vocab and ideas may well be beyond her social understanding, she tried to say something to ease a situation in which she also probably felt anxious and stressed - choking is a panicky situation. She got it wrong because she is a little girl.

I find the fact that she kept apologising all night very distressing - poor child, she must think she has done something irrepairable and she probably doesn't understand what she has done that is so terrible. You are going to have to work hard to reassure her of your love and forgiveness because it will take far longer for a five year old to get over her mother's cruel words than it ought to take you to get over a thoughtless remark by a small child. She must be feeling so churned up inside by what you said.

Sorry if these words are harsh but you need to comfort and reassure that little girl and get over yourself and apologise to her.

KurriKurri · 06/07/2017 10:46

OK - I cross posted with your last update, and I'm pleased things seem better this morning.

CardinalCat · 06/07/2017 10:46

*unacceptable!

RhubardGin · 06/07/2017 10:46

If she's been apologising all night she's obviously a very sensitive little girl who didn't realise what she had said.

I think you're sleep deprived and have made a mountain out of a molehill in the nicest possible way.

She'll forget about it in no time Smile

Fishbiscuits · 06/07/2017 10:47

My five year old has "experienced the death" of two of her grandparents, my mum died when she was 2 and my dad when she was 4, she worries about death more than some of her friends as a result I think. She says some odd things, asking if I would die when she had a baby, saying I would die soon because I'm old, asking if her little sister was going to die etc. It's all a symptom of them trying to make sense of the world, not something to get cross with them for, even if they say insensitive (even cruel sounding things) they don't fully understand. Rather than getting cross with her try and have a gentle understanding talk with her about death, she may well have worries as a result of your death in the family.

With regards to her being gifted, I think it's important for you to remember that a gifted 5 year old is still a 5 year old, and being clever doesn't necessarily mean she is any more emotionally advanced than any other 5 year old. Please try to keep your expectations of her in line and don't expect too much of her, however clever she is she is still very little, and should be treated as such.

TheViceOfReason · 06/07/2017 10:48

She's 5! Your response was completely over the top - a simple "that's not a nice thing to say" would have been more than sufficient. The fact the poor child felt she had to keep apologising all evening is very sad.

She was, as another poster said, probably thinking it would comfort you as you wouldn't be left without any child. Yes, it was an upsetting thing to say - but she's 5. If a teenager or adult said that, then rightly so you'd be shocked etc, but she's barely more than a baby herself.

MadMags · 06/07/2017 10:51

She'll forget about it, OP. As will you. We're none of us perfect.

Hope your baby feels better soon. Flowers

nina2b · 06/07/2017 10:52

Flaming?Hmm
People are trying to answer your AIBU.

PovertyJetset · 06/07/2017 10:52

nina I'm a nobody. Like you. Confused I can say what I like as long as it's not trolling in anyway.

MamaHanji · 06/07/2017 10:53

It's tricky with children who are smarter than average. My 3 year old is well ahead and I have to remind myself that she is still only 3.

Honestly I think you need to comfort your daughter and reassure her that everything is ok.

nina2b · 06/07/2017 10:53

Hmmmm

nina2b · 06/07/2017 10:54

PovertyJetset:
My question was rhetorical.

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 10:54

Yes, and sober have answered, very reasonably and I got the point from them.. I WBU. Got it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 10:55

Some, not sober

OP posts:
ravenmum · 06/07/2017 11:01

Yep, I think YABU. She made a mistake and apologised - though at that age she probably doesn't even know what she was apologising about, poor mite. Did your parents train you up to feel a lot of guilt, perhaps, so that you can't judge this very well? Or are you feeling depressed or something?

demirose87 · 06/07/2017 11:01

Shes a 5 year old. They don't understand things like this. Please don't be angry at her.

WhooooAmI24601 · 06/07/2017 11:01

OP don't beat yourself up over the kicking some are giving you here; children make mistakes, adults make mistakes, life goes on. You haven't ruined her childhood or damaged her in some way, you simply explained how upset you were on a forum designed to offer support.

DS2 is a little like your DD; very advanced in many ways, so when he comes out with outrageous or awful stuff it's harder to deal with than it was when DS1 was young. We've just learned to go with it and gently explain why we don't do x, y or z, and let him work it out. He was reading before he went to school and would watch DS1 read and say to me "he's slower than I am". It wasn't meant unkindly, it was simply a fact. School helps keep his head level but honestly, don't feel bad about this. Sleep deprivation plus children is a tough combination.

Floggingmolly · 06/07/2017 11:03

God almighty... A "gifted" (what does that even mean - academically advanced for her age? There are relatively few truly gifted people around) five year old is still FIVE.
Give her a break.

BunsOfAnarchy · 06/07/2017 11:04

She's 5. I still thought I was a boy when I was 5.

I went on to get a first class degree with honours. Not gifted but u get the gist.

5 year olds are like mini drunk people. They make sense but they don't make sense too. She's gifted but let her be innocent and let her be a kid who says nonsense too.

pictish · 06/07/2017 11:06

Aww OP take the flaming with a detached eye. We all get it wrong here and there...although you wouldn't think so going by some of these replies. You've acknowledged yours so there's no more to be said. You're a good sort. x

Bumpsadaisie · 06/07/2017 11:07

Goodness, OP, sorry but you have really overreacted on this one. Easily done when sleep deprived but on the other hand, you really do need to get a grip before you guilt trip your small girl any more.

She was imagining losing your DS and trying to empathise with you and comfort you! It was clever and sensitive of her to imagine that scenario, then imagine how you might feel in it and then try to comfort you.

She's five. And you "can't look at her without hearing those words?"

I wonder if you are still grieving a loss yourself and so the thought of losing DS is just too raw? Be kind to yourself if so, but do be careful not to put things on to your little girl that aren't hers to carry.

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