Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To be upset by my 5yo

140 replies

Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 10:11

Could be long but will try not to be.
My almost 6 yo has always been a lovely girl, friendly, outgoing and funny. She's a very clever girl (school have identified as gifted) and is very good socially, more so with adults than with children.
Last night her baby brother was coughing badly (has been for a couple of days) and was struggling to get his breath. It was upsetting to see. DD turned around and said "it doesn't matter mummy, you'll still have one kid"
I was shocked. I asked if she'd understood what she said and she said yes. She then burst into tears and said she was sorry and didn't mean it and would do anything to take it back. I told her it was a disgusting thing to say (perhaps not the best reaction) and said that I was shocked. She kept apologising all night. My husband thinks I ABU to be upset but I can't look at her without hearing those words.
I'm sleep deprived from being up with ds so could be over sensitive...I just struggle to get my head around why that thought even crossed her mind. She's experienced death of a family member so knows what it means... Or maybe she doesn't fully? Maybe I expect more understanding because of how clever she is? I am actually really upset. Would you be?

OP posts:

Original poster

Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 11:08

Thanks Buns and WhooooamI,
Im over whatever it was I was feeling, realised my mistake, also realised I haven't destroyed her life and can moved forward.
I'm not depressed, just have not slept in over a week from having to sit up and prop up a sick baby. Should have controlled my emotions better. I don't think any more needs to be added to this thread... But I know that won't stop people....

OP posts:

user1498418402 · 06/07/2017 11:08

Hi OP. I have a 6 year old who is extremely smart and well mannered and she's a bit of an 'old soul' and sometimes it means I forget how old she really is. I have to remind myself sometimes that she's still only really a baby and my expectations of her should reflect that - sometimes they don't! Along with that she is extremely sensitive and if she feels she has upset me in anyway she gets really worried and upset. I would have a little word with her, apologise for your initial reaction, explain to her why you were upset and cuddle her to bits. You'll both feel better.

SnotGoblin · 06/07/2017 11:10

I genuinely doubt I'd have been upset or shocked by that. I would have said something like 'yes, that's true, but I'd rather have both because I love both my kids. Come here and give me a cuddle, I'm worried about your brother, wouldn't you be sad if something happened and he wasn't alive anymore?'

It wasn't really a disgusting thing to say, it was a thing a 5 year girl says when she is trying to process the world. It sounds like she was trying to reassure you in her own morbid way.

Sorry you are all going through hard times and I hope the little one is feeling better.

Peaches44 · 06/07/2017 11:10

My DC is also nearly 6. She desperatley wanted a brother and when DD2 arrived (she was almost 5) she was very anti.

She said "its not working out having the baby" and she wanted to swap for a friends DS. She has said a few spiteful things about DD2 but I'm not overly concerned, they don't understand the things they say and sometimes I think they are just frustrated/jealous and want to say something hurtful.

Peaches44 · 06/07/2017 11:11

To add- I normally try to ignore it, I will just say something like "thats not a very kind thing to say" and move on.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/07/2017 11:12

I find it quite distressing to read that she apologised all night, you couldn't look at her without hearing those words and you told her she's disgusting.

Having a poorly baby struggling to breathe must be awful. A really stressful anxious time but I hope you realise that you've dumped all your fears and upset over your baby onto your daughter.
She was trying in a childlike way to make you feel better. I hope you can see that. She sounds like a lovely kind little soul.

Original poster

Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 11:12

Peaches, I think that's how I normally would have reacted... Just screwed up in this case.

OP posts:

Notknownatthisaddress · 06/07/2017 11:13

Your reaction was OTT as she is only 5, but don't beat yourself up about it. Some kids say vile things that they don't mean. I mean, they don't even know they're saying it, or the 'enormity' of it, IYSWIM.

So take her aside and tell her you know she didn't mean anything bad by it, and you are SORRY for being so angry with her. Then give her a hug and start planning a trip to the beach, or the zoo, or anywhere that she enjoys (to take her mind off it.)

It will fade into the background eventually and be forgotten, but damage control is needed right now.

Original poster

Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 11:13

I lost it... I didn't tell her SHE was disgusting

OP posts:

ravenmum · 06/07/2017 11:14

In this case I'd also think she was actually trying to comfort her mum and just didn't do it too well! Look after yourself OP, sounds like you are a bit on the edge at the moment; take this as a sign that you might need to be specially kind to yourself, perhaps...

Sandandwaves766 · 06/07/2017 11:16

Oh my! The poor little girl, SHES 5 for goodness sake.

Peaches44 · 06/07/2017 11:18

Don't beat yourself up over it, none of us are the 'perfect' mother. Ive had sleepless nights with DD2 and snapped at DD1 at times because she will be in my ear mummy mummy mummy etc. We have to make mistakes from time to time.

My DM lost her cat recently and she took it upon herself to go into the ins and outs of death with DD without me there. DD then asked how long it will be before I'm put to sleep, when will granny go to sleep etc. We saw an old lady in the shops once and she blurted out "wow she is very old she's going to go to sleep soon" I wanted the ground to swallow me up but she really has no idea on the enormity of death.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/07/2017 11:19

Sorry my mistake about the disgusting comment. You don't need anymore criticism now. All parents make mistakes and having a sick baby is traumatic I do understand that. That and lack of sleep can turn you into an emotional mess. I don't want to add to your upset.
I hope you're able to enjoy time with your dd today and can put all this behind you now.

takemetomars · 06/07/2017 11:19

How Old is your son Alexkate? He really shouldn't be struggling to breathe with a cough. This is what stood out to me from your post

Original poster

Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 11:20

Thanks Ilostit x

OP posts:

Original poster

Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 11:22

Take me, he's 7 months. I've had him at the doctor's twice. I'm holding him now and have been since after the school drop off and he's just not right. I'm going to take him again and ask to see a different doctor.

OP posts:

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 06/07/2017 11:25

Is pneumonia a possibility alexkate? A different doctor sounds like a good idea.

DotForShort · 06/07/2017 11:25

She's so little, just learning to feel her way through the minefield of human emotion. It seems as though she may have been attempting to comfort you in a clumsy way (not at all understanding the implications of her words), worried about her brother, or trying to come to grips with the concept of death. Or perhaps some combination of all of them.

I know you have acknowledged that your initial reaction was unreasonable. And I can imagine that your exhaustion and worry about your son provoked your response. If she mentions it again, I would just reassure her that you know she didn't mean to say anything hurtful. And draw a line under it.

I read a very moving essay by a woman whose second child had died. She and her husband went on to adopt a baby. Their eldest child, who was also 5, was once annoyed by the new baby and announced, "I wouldn't mind if this one died." Obviously a shocking thing to say but like your DD, this little girl didn't really understand what she was saying, even though the family had actually already endured the tragedy of losing a child. It just goes to show that children's levels of awareness about big issues can be at odds with our expectations.

for you.

HipsterHunter · 06/07/2017 11:26

Yeah, 5 years olds say inappropriate stuff.

Also bear in mind that at 5, she really doesn't have the capacity to feel empathy about death in the same way you do and really It is such an abstract concept. At 5 children are still extremely egotistical, it is normal.

MrsSkeletor · 06/07/2017 11:27

I don't think you should brush this under the rug this morning. Guaranteed she hasn't forgotten. Today's cheerfulness could well be another tactic tried to get back in your graces.

You can go a long way to fix it by apologising to her and talking. Perhaps you'll both learn something about relating to each other, and it can only help to mend things. Don't let it fester inside her- she's learned to grovel for your forgiveness and I'm sure that's not what you want for her.

Original poster

Alexkate2468 · 06/07/2017 11:29

Tbh, I don't know much about pneumonia. Doctor said his chest and back seemed clear.. but hit breathing is fast, his cough is 'wet' if that makes sense and as soon as calpol wears off his temp goes up.
I am terrified of losing him (long back story) and I think some pps are right, that fear got mixed up in my reaction. Can I just say, I'm going to try to put it right.

OP posts:

rinabean · 06/07/2017 11:30

You're an adult and you can tell us to stop flaming you when you "make a mistake" (maybe your reaction was a mistake - coming on here and justifying it wasn't, though!)

She's your 5 year old daughter. She can't! All children depend on their parents for survival and know that. The fear of displeasing your parents as a child is the same as the fear of death. So she spent all last night begging for your forgiveness, though you're sure this 'gifted' child had no idea you were secretly hating her, and now she's extremely 110% cheerful, and none of this concerns you

What concerns you is that adults on the internet that you can freely stop talking to said that your behaviour was wrong

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/07/2017 11:32

She was thinking of YOU. She was trying to reassure YOU. She saw that you were worried and she wanted, in her five year old way, to tell you it was going to be ok.

She sounds adultized and with a lot of pressure and expectation on her.

She's your kid - FFS, give her a cuddle and move the fuck on.

Maddogs · 06/07/2017 11:36

My then 5 yr old DD lost a granparent in a road traffic accident and was upset at the time. Some months later she was laughing that he had been 'squashed'.

Same child had to be carried crying out of a churchyard after refusing to leave because the dead needed someone to look after them.

It's hard to not react with some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths at times.

Hope you get somewhere with the doctors today.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 06/07/2017 11:36

Maybe she feels invisible and just wants attention.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread