To think dh is pathetic for throwing away ds present from grandad

[Lionking1981]

My family and dh support rival football clubs. The family team is our local one and the mascot has been into ds school, all his friends support the team and he has recently been saying that he supports them too which my dad found really funny. For his Bday this week, my dad cheekily gave him the strip and toy of the mascot. Today, he asked where they were - we couldn't find them anywhere. Dh has thrown them away. I get that he wants him and ds to bond over football and take him to games but I just find this a waste of money and horribly pathetic. Aibu?

deffomcforthis would it be reasonable if DS threw out his Dad's strip because he didn't support the same team, or is it ok because DH is an adult?

But it wasn't SIL's to 'lose', was it deffcon? He's thrown away someone else's possession just because he doesn't like it. Therefore he is wrong. If you throw away a gift given to YOU that you don't like then that's another matter - you may do what you like with your own things. Throwing away someone else's presents is another matter entirely.

But it wasn't SIL's to 'lose', was it deffcon? He's thrown away someone else's possession just because he doesn't like it. Therefore he is wrong. If you throw away a gift given to YOU that you don't like then that's another matter - you may do what you like with your own things. Throwing away someone else's presents is another matter entirely.

Hope someone buys your child a golliwog or a Conservative/Labour Party t-shirt and you remember your principles. :)

There's a difference between being very enthusiastic about a hobby and putting that hobby above and beyond the happiness of your children

I'd say that when you think a football strip is so important that you throw away your child's birthday present and risk hurting their feelings, then you are not functioning in an adult manner.You have allowed your interest or obsession to become more important than the people you love.

The tshirts wouldn't bother me deffcon. I do not find politics offensive.

I am aware racism is endemic in football, but I do not think comparing a golliwog to a football mascot is a fair comparison. Even then, I wouldn't throw it out - I'd just make sure it's kept inside!

You have allowed your interest or obsession to become more important than the people you love.

...and this judgment is you reducing it to how you see it, failing to empathize with how someone else might.

I was first introduced to this concept after I saw two men almost crying over football who had remained stony and strong through a bereavement earlier in the year. Football for some (especially working class men it seems, but not exclusively) is a proxy through which emotional bonding and interpersonal involvement with loved ones has happened, a connection to family as well as an outlet for emotional energy. A trivial thing it's ok to cry about in a world full of things that must never bow your head. Just as other things can be from one family or culture to the next.

If that is the case it is not necessarily a case of "more important than your loved ones", it may be something you look forward to (and back upon) a life full of sharing with those loved ones, a way of connecting with them. A link to your own.

Hell for all we know the whole thing between FiL and SiL with the buying/throwing away is them bonding, some men do tend to do aggressive pisstakey humour towards other men they like. Especially over "meaningless" things like football.

But he didn't throw away his own strip. It was his son's.

You can like football but still respect your children's property.

Whilst I just can't get excited over a bunch of overpaid men kicking a pigs bladder around, I do get its significance to them.

However...

This was HIS CHILDS PRESENT.

Golliwogs have racial connotations and no child needs to be dresses in political attire

However if the toddler grows up to like bloody hip hop I will suck it up and buy him ear phones. I won't tell him in a round about way that he is only worthy of my love if he only does what I want him to do

I was first introduced to this concept after I saw two men almost crying over football who had remained stony and strong through a bereavement earlier in the year. Football for some (especially working class men it seems, but not exclusively) is a proxy through which emotional bonding and interpersonal involvement with loved ones has happened, a connection to family as well as an outlet for emotional energy. A trivial thing it's ok to cry about in a world full of things that must never bow your head. Just as other things can be from one family or culture to the next.

That is not actually relevant to the case in the OP - you are taking your argument about the importance of football to an extreme length that is not what is being discussed here. I didn't say football was meaningless - I think interests and hobbies are very important ways of connecting and definitely have an important place in people's lives.
However when those interests start to affect the way you interact with others in a non-beneficial way,t hen you need to sort out your priorities and weigh up what is really important.
Having been on the receiving end of someone who put his obsession above his entire family and hurt many people in an irreperable way over it, my empathy lies firmly with the victims of obsessive interests.

So I don't lack empathy - I simply have different priorities and find different things important, people are more important to me than hobbies, despite the value of hobbies. It is a scale of importance, I am not assigning no importance to football.

Just as your experience informs your choice of empathetic stance, so does mine, I find it odd that someone who advocates the importance of celebrating difference, should be so blinkered when someone offers a different viewpoint.

If football is a 'proxy through which emotional bonding and interpersonal involvement with loved ones has happened' then OP's husband has failed spectacularly to use it as an opportunity to bond with his son, because of his childish and cruel behaviour.

It is childish and nasty to throw away a child's birthday present. No pop sociological spiel about the importance of football in the lives of working class men as a means of releasing suppressed emotion can change that fact.

I get that all sorts of fucking stupid things are important to different people. Many of my hobbies and enthusiasms are either dull or ludicrous to people who don't share them.

But the problem is people who decided to inflict distress on others because of their obsession. Such as destroying a child's birthday present because it was the wrong colour.

I totally understand being passionate about your team. Even if you are stoic about everything else in life. But chucking away a child's gift given to them by their grandparent is just MEAN.

I totally understand being passionate about your team. Even if you are stoic about everything else in life. But chucking away a child's gift given to them by their grandparent is just MEAN.

This

I am a mad football fan. Love my team. Would roll my eyes at a rival kit in the house. Because I'm not an utter arse like the OP's DH.

Having said that, arseholery is not confined to football supporters so let's give the football-bashing a rest!

So fair's fair and your DS can throw away his Dad's football paraphernalia right? I mean it's from a team he hates...

I think I'd go as far and hide your DH's kit and play dumb if he asks at least until he replaces the gift.

This is much more about bullying and entitlement and arrogance than about football. OP has basically given us a picture of a potentially abusive man, who thinks that only his feelings matter.

If you're more interested in the colour of a shirt than the game being played you're not into football, you're into hollow tribalism, and that can fuck itself no matter where it manifests.

Your H should replace the gift and have a serious word with himself.

I'm an atheist (quite vehemently) and am currently looking at the five Buddhas and there's a a hippie Jesus doll downstairs. All gifts. The friends and family who gave them all love me. None of them will end up in the bin.

When your love of a thing is more important than your love of the closest people in your life... isn't that sad?

And I get the proxy emotion thing. But that doesn't actually supersede actual interactions with your actual child.

ineedaholidaynow and SoupDragon

The DS said that he liked the team, not supported. GP is taking the opportunity to push his views on him by buying him the kit, and also rubbing theOP's DP's nose in it, he is a twat.

Just as the OP's DP is a twat for throwing the kit away.

But I wonder if the OP's GP would have been so quick to buy his GS a doll or dress if he said that he liked that instead.

For those that say football isn't a religion for some people it is.

And strangely it has some very similar areas.

user1476869312
This is much more about bullying and entitlement and arrogance than about football. OP has basically given us a picture of a potentially abusive man, who thinks that only his feelings matter.

I suspect that you only mean this to be the DH but it is also the GP

Maybe your DH shouldn't have thrown it away but given it back to your dad. My DH really wanted our baby to support his team. He didn't get a chance with my stepson who supports his mother's team. When stepson mentioned he had bought his team's strip for baby my DH said no and I agreed even though Mil thought he was being harsh. It wasn't a big deal at all.

Boney The DS said that he liked the team, not supported.

From the op: "and he has recently been saying that he supports them too"

SoupDragon

sorry Its been a long thread, but my point still stands.

I'm an atheist (quite vehemently) and am currently looking at the five Buddhas and there's a a hippie Jesus doll downstairs. All gifts. The friends and family who gave them all love me. None of them will end up in the bin.

I have this as well, we have a pope fridge magnet, jesus head knockers, and rosary beads- gifts from our religious friends

Actually, even if the granddad was taking a bit of a poke at the DP, the DP's behaviour is still much, much worse. Because the DP is supposedly an adult, yet he's prepared to upset his own son by throwing away a gift his son liked and appreciated.

I wonder if, in fact, grandad is well aware that the DP is a cock and is hoping the scales will fall from Op's eyes sooner rather than later.

Grenoble - and your DP is a cock, too. Ever wondered why his first marriage/relationship broke up? Any adult prepared to be that controlling over a fucking ball game is a bully and it's going to come out at some stage. It's as well to regard this level of obsession with sport (or religion) as a red flag, because it is one.

(drat, can't edit) Just to be clear, Grenoble - your DP is another cock because, just like the OP's DP, he was happy to hurt a little boy's feelings over something so stupid. His DS wanted to buy a gift for his new stepbrother and your controlling manchild put a stop to it.