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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel upset by this present

164 replies

emsmum79 · 05/07/2017 20:38

I put a lot of thought and effort into buying presents, planning days out and so on. My dh is not generally so thoughtful, and I have generally accepted that. However, I'm really upset about a recent birthday present, and he just doesn't understand why. Help me work out if I am being unreasonable please.
We are going on holiday soon and I found a place that our toddler will very much enjoy. I was really pleased to find it, am excited by how much she'll like it, but it is in no way something that I am interested in. I worked out costs, location, what else is nearby, what days and times we could go etc. My husband then decided to type up a "have a day out at the place you found/did all the work for" voucher as my birthday present. Aibu to feel a bit hacked off by this? He's done nothing other than type it up, and he knows how much I would appreciate him suggesting a day out for us all.
Thanks.

OP posts:
PathologyGeek · 06/07/2017 20:38

My husband does this all the time. Offering to pay for an organised day out as my birthday or xmas - often the organised day out is nowhere near the celebration I have to just remember - and then wonders why I was in tears when I had nothing to unwrap one xmas morning. Not even a bag of gold coins or tangerine. My daughter (who was 3 at the time) even said "you must've been too naughty to get presents". He also can't see why this is a problem. a lot of them end up with his parents coming along too. And I'm very ungrateful if I point it out...

Tofutti · 06/07/2017 20:49

Pathology

Go on strike. His family are not allowed for Christmas until he gets you thoughtful presents.

And don't get him anything.

NinonDeLenclos · 06/07/2017 21:03

Get him some nappies for Christmas.

Select and buy your own present with his credit card from now on. Worked well for my mum.

jayne1976 · 06/07/2017 22:17

Ok, you arrange a day out, sort it all out, then someone decides they are going to steal all of your hours of organising, and hand it back to you on a sheet of printed paper which suggests that by bizarrely going along with your plans and going out on the event you have organised they have somehow treated you for your birthday. Perplexing!
Bunch of gargage flowers would have been better than taking your effort to hand back to you as a gift!

masterchef98 · 06/07/2017 22:52

I think I might have misunderstood. I get the languages of love I can see offerimg you a free afternoon on a week long holiday that you'd booked, buying things from a list or something he thought you would like for some reason even though he should have known you wouldn't or a spa voucher ... they all show some right intentions ... But he has printed off a voucher for you all to go on a day out that you have already organised?

Mydietstartstomorrow · 06/07/2017 22:52

I got a petrol strimmer last year. Apparently it was a top of the range one. 🤔

philoSlothical17 · 06/07/2017 23:17

I bought my dp a print of lots of pictures of cassettes with a song title written on each one that meant something to us (from when we met, off our favourite tv show etc) and it said philoslothical17 and xxx's playlist on it. I listened to every word of every song to check they were all suitable as he can be quite sensitive and takes things personally. For my birthday he had it copied and framed and took me with him to pick it up where all the women in the shop were gushing over how thoughtful he was cos he'd written all my love xxx on it and they thought he'd had it made and picked all the songs!!
I also got a pineapple peeler because I like gadgets..... I don't actually like pineapples!

WomblingThree · 06/07/2017 23:32

So hang on philoSlothical17....for your birthday, you got a copy of the picture you made for his birthday?? WTAF? I'm speechless. Bet you felt special Hmm

AyUpMiDuck · 07/07/2017 07:07

" I mean come on. What next, an invite to the Christmas dinner that you planned and cooked? " Spot On!

philoSlothical17 · 07/07/2017 07:48

WomblingThree, he's usually very good at presents so yes this did throw me a bit! He said it was so we could have one at each of our houses!

Jedimum1 · 07/07/2017 09:21

I typed for ages and lost it :(
philoSlothical17, I think it was a nice present, though. You probably only have a limited number of songs as a couple, any attempt to match that list would have been "meh". You live in different houses. It shows he loved your present and what it says means lots to him. He wanted you to have the same feeling, to be able to look at the pic and think of him, as they are your songs as a couple, not just his songs. He didn't photocopy it, he looked up a proper place and took it to frame. Idk, I see that the effort was different but he couldn't really match that list by content or design, it was always going to be a poor attempt and he probably thinks that list is perfect. My DH got me a canvas print of a picture from our wedding. We already had a picture up, but I thought it was really thoughtful and sweet, as it cherishes that special moment.

OP He probably really thought he was getting a nice present. It's not just a piece of paper, it's paying for the whole thing, I get? He's seen you preparing and researching the day out, he knows you value and cherish days out with the family as presents, he didn't realise you actually weren't excited about going yourself but that you were excited for your toddler. That's a misunderstanding in my opinion. Make it clear that although you love days out, that one was for your toddler and you considered it a present for her, not you. That said, some people get overwhelmed at preparing / researching this kind of things, some are also bad at it. He probably thought he was playing it safe but choosing something you liked... Only that you didn't! I think it's not that incredibly bad, however. If it were a thing, instead of a Day out, it wouldn't have looked as bad: if you had been researching prams for ages, and he got you the one you had settled on, would you feel the same way? I think it's the fact that you didn't consider it a fun day for you, more than the voucher itself. it's still thoughtful to try and pay for something you like (or so he thought)? Both my DH and I have paid for events as bday presents (shows, concerts, comedy...). Even though we were to go together, and many times we had the discussion beforehand, so no surprise: A: I'd like to go to [insert event]. B: Shall I get it for your birthday?

DH used to be hit and miss at first, I have an Amazon wishlist with hundreds of things, which I shared with him. He actually doesn't use it anymore but I think seeing the kind of thing I would like for my birthday means he actually understands better the kind of present I like and he now chooses himself stuff without relying on the list. Just put so many things in the list that it will always be a surprise what he actually got!

CluseWatch · 07/07/2017 10:06

"That's a misunderstanding in my opinion. Make it clear that although you love days out, that one was for your toddler and you considered it a present for her, not you."

But what's the present? That he will pay for it? Shouldn't it be a shared cost anyway? I can't see the gift here anywhere.

emsmum79 · 07/07/2017 12:47

Cluse, I do see your point, but it still really isn't a present. Besides, we only have shared accounts, so it's not as if he's even really paying for it. I regularly mention various places in our area that if like to go to- he has had plenty of hints. Instead he chose to take the idea that I'd done all the work for. The big problem really is that he never makes any suggestions for days or nights out- I do everything. My love language is definitely quality time, he knows this, and still makes no effort.

OP posts:
WomblingThree · 07/07/2017 15:53

@philoSlothical17 ok, at least you have two houses. I was thinking he would be hanging them next to each other 🤣

Jedimum1 how would he be paying for it if it comes out of family money? He has done literally nothing for the OPs birthday. Which is the point of the thread.

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