To feel upset by this present

[emsmum79]

I put a lot of thought and effort into buying presents, planning days out and so on. My dh is not generally so thoughtful, and I have generally accepted that. However, I'm really upset about a recent birthday present, and he just doesn't understand why. Help me work out if I am being unreasonable please.
We are going on holiday soon and I found a place that our toddler will very much enjoy. I was really pleased to find it, am excited by how much she'll like it, but it is in no way something that I am interested in. I worked out costs, location, what else is nearby, what days and times we could go etc. My husband then decided to type up a "have a day out at the place you found/did all the work for" voucher as my birthday present. Aibu to feel a bit hacked off by this? He's done nothing other than type it up, and he knows how much I would appreciate him suggesting a day out for us all.
Thanks.

@WomblingThree, I'm not sure how you think my identity is wrapped up in my child? I asked for a family day out, as well as some other small presents (nothing big as dh and I were at an expensive concert a couple of weeks ago) and was simply upset that the gift I was given was a day out that I had already planned.
As for, dd potentially hating me in the future- I tend not to base my actions on who may or may not like or dislike me at some indeterminate point in the future.

OMG dog collar in a box is just horrible ( unless you're really into S&M).

OP we do amazon lists now as DH used to buy expensive but not right gifts. Sometimes he does surprise with on the mark stuff such as lovely silk chemise or tasteful earrings but now we are both very specific about what we want.

Works for me too - I was a bit meh about buying it as a Christmas gift - but DH says his camping jet boil and cafetière was the best present ever - never would have come up with that one by myself

These threads make me feel so sad. Presents and gift-giving are really important. Not at all in a grabby "I must have a huge diamond necklace" kind of way, but in an "I thought really carefully about you and wanted to express my love" way.

I also think sometimes present-giving epitomises much deeper problems in the division of labour in a household, and the way that some men just opt out of care work.

There is nothing "natural" about this. Plenty of men make a big effort and are good at gifts. You do not need boobs and a vagina to go into a shop, and use your head to think about a gift someone would like.

cunning hope he is your ex DP? What a shitty thing to do.

My h didn't even get me a card this year. My DM threw me a birthday party which I enjoyed a few days later. (H hates DM 😩) on my birthday DM got me a giant coffee mug and a couple other small thoughtful things. H took me to Primark a few days later and said I could get whatever I wanted. I got some socks and underwear.

It hurt at my party when people asked me what h got me. I'm not materialistic but a bunch of flowers would have been nice. Everyone kind of said 'oh' when I said he hadn't got me anything yet

DB! Hope you did something similar to him on his birthday cunning

I was puzzled when I read the OP. Simply because I couldn't fathom how a typed up sheet of paper constituted a present. YANBU OP.

@lanouvelleheloise These threads make me feel so sad. Presents and gift-giving are really important. Not at all in a grabby "I must have a huge diamond necklace" kind of way, but in an "I thought really carefully about you and wanted to express my love" way.

This. It's NEVER about the £value of the gift. It's the thought and love for a person that makes a gift valuable.

It could be nothing more than a little bag of your favourite sweets when you have had a shit day, which means the world.

Presents are not important to everyone.
I couldn't care less if no one ever bought me a present.

The Love Languages someone mentioned up thread is worth a read - some people put a huge emphasis on getting presents as showing love; other people value other things. The key is to work out what your partner appreciates!

Tofutti actually no. Like pps I actually take great pleasure in choosing thoughtful presents that the recipient will love, so for selfish reasons I didn't get him back.

I do however tell EVERYONE what he did in front of him

"Presents are not important to everyone.
I couldn't care less if no one ever bought me a present."

Of course. But if your partner IS the kind of person who values and appreciates them, as the OP is, then you need to become a good giver of them.

I don't appreciate beer. I fucking hate the stuff. That doesn't mean I ignore the fact my DH happens to like it when I'm doing the weekly shop.

I'm with everyone else.

That is really terrible.

I feel like I must be misunderstanding this present.

So you arranged a day out as a family and he made a printed voucher telling you that you were going to go to that place? Is that right?

What, did he think you would have forgotten? That is monumentally SHIT of him. MONUMENTALLY. An Eiffel Tower/St Paul's Cathedral of shit.

YADNBU.

So you arranged a day out as a family and he made a printed voucher telling you that you were going to go to that place? Is that right?

It isn't even that good @Bobbins43. OP doesn't even want to go to this place herself, it is a day out for their child. So he's given her a present she organised, to a place she doesn't personally have any desire to go to, which was meant for a toddler.

Bobbins, sadly you have understood it perfectly!

@emsmum79, that bit wasn't particularly aimed at you, more at the replies to Rabbit and the idiots saying you should withhold sex.

You didn't make it particularly clear that you'd asked for a day out for your birthday. To most people, a family day out is just something you do, it's not a present for a special occasion, especially if it involves "family money". I don't see how something that comes out of the general pot, that you are all going to do, is a present of any kind, but obviously your dynamic is different (which is fair enough).

A lot of people were thinking that your partner was going to take your child out and you were going to get a day off, which I guess to some would be a great present. The reason you think your partner is a knob is because he didn't organise a different day out to the one you had already made the effort to plan. I think others thought he was a knob because he gave you a day out in the first place, which isn't actually a present for you.

I'd think my husband was barking if he told me that my birthday present was spending the day at a kids' thing with my kids! To me, that's the equivalent of putting a bar of chocolate in the grocery shopping, telling me it's for my birthday and then expecting me to share it with everyone else!

Thanks for clarifying that Wombling. Our birthday days out presents tend to be something that the receiver will like, but that everyone else will also enjoy at least some part of it. That's another reason I'm so annoyed- there isn't one bit of this gift that's for me. Chocolate bar analogy is good- I'll use it if he keeps insisting that he's right!

He can't really be insisting he's right, can he?! 😮

It was our silver wedding anniversary recently. I bought him a Montblanc pen that I know he has hankered over for years.
I got a bag of marshmallows!

It's not the money, it's the lack of thought and planning that upset me. I saved up for months for his.

He still doesn't get why it upset me.

This is horrifying. How can the people you are married to genuinely not care enough to buy you a decent present?

My husband's gift bestowing ability swings wildly from out of this world thoughtfulness to piss taking buying something for himself.

The worst first I ever got was a Muse CD and a bulk buy box from Amazon of Tassimo pods. They weren't even wrapped
I fucking hate both the band and the coffees. He on the other hand loves both and in fact went off to work that morning clutching the CD and a travel mug full of said coffee.

YANBU in feeling naffed off that he seemingly can't be arsed

My husband is a bit shit at presents too. And I too spent most of my birthday in tears and it ended in a row because he said I was being stupid.
Every day for about 3 weeks before my birthday he said "I've got to get you a card", and yet, on my birthday he still hasn't bought it. He spent ages moaning about how busy he was and how it was a pain to go and get a sodding card yet at least five times during the period before my birthday he told me he'd been to Tesco to buy his lunch. They sell bloody cards in Tesco!
So when no card was there on the morning of my birthday he got all huffy and told me that he'd get it that day and I wouldn't have opened it till the evening anyway so he didn't know why I was so upset.
Then he went to work, despite telling me he'd take the day off - I'd taken the day off.
I spent my birthday doing housework.
He called me during the morning, didn't mention my birthday but reminded me to make sure we had food in because it was his weekend for seeing his daughter. I've never not had food etc it. I don't need reminding.
Then, he arrived home with a card and cake. Made a big fuss about lighting the candles & singing etc. He brought the cake in. Carrot cake. I hate carrot cake. He knows that. It it's his favourite. He claimed he thought it was my favourite.
He didn't buy me a present. Told me he'd pay for a new tattoo but whenever I mention it he changes the subject.
He's not mean, we're not short of money. He's just a git.
I feel for you op, I hope your week improves and your husband realises why you're upset.

I have a friend who knows her partner hates xmas and birthdays after 10 years she knows she is lucky to get a card, he loves her but just hates having to buy present, he does have book lots of holidays away and pays for it all without being asked.

However she gets him 50 gifts for xmas then sits and crys because she will get a computer or help with the car the week before xmas as either have broken and need fixing, and then he will just buy her a bottle of wine and some chocs on Xmas day.
I tried to tell her that he treats her all year instead of just one day, but she can't see it.

Another shit present story to make you feel less alone.

My best friend's dh is a thoughtless man 365 days a year and has form for rubbish presents and cards bought on the actual day, he once didn't even bother getting her a thing until she ended up in tears so he bought her some binoculars 3 weeks later (she did want the binoculars)

Anyway we hoped maybe he'd realise what a heartless twat he was and how hurtful he was and lo and behold he put a gift bag under the Christmas tree with her name on.

On Christmas morning he opened his gifts from her then handed her the gift bag, it was empty inside, she thought maybe it was a clue to something else until he said "I didn't know what to buy you so I bought you what you like to wear in bed"!

Yanbu. Thoughtless.
My DP often buys me lilies. I don't care for them- the smell is overwhelming and the pollen gets everywhere and stains everything.
HE likes lilies.