To feel upset by this present

[emsmum79]

I put a lot of thought and effort into buying presents, planning days out and so on. My dh is not generally so thoughtful, and I have generally accepted that. However, I'm really upset about a recent birthday present, and he just doesn't understand why. Help me work out if I am being unreasonable please.
We are going on holiday soon and I found a place that our toddler will very much enjoy. I was really pleased to find it, am excited by how much she'll like it, but it is in no way something that I am interested in. I worked out costs, location, what else is nearby, what days and times we could go etc. My husband then decided to type up a "have a day out at the place you found/did all the work for" voucher as my birthday present. Aibu to feel a bit hacked off by this? He's done nothing other than type it up, and he knows how much I would appreciate him suggesting a day out for us all.
Thanks.

Hedda, I think the problem here is that OP planned the day out - found out about it, looked everything up, and did all the work, and then he tried to say that was his gift to her.

It sounds like if he'd just said 'sounds lovely, do you want to go on your birthday?' And bought her a card and some flowers she wouldn't have a problem. Or if she'd said 'let's got to x sometime' and he hadn't gone away and done all the planning she would have loved it.

emsmum79 Happy Birthday to you. Ignore Runrabbit's nasty post. What a meanie she is putting up tripe like that for you on your birthday. I don't know you, but I'm sure from your posts there is no way your little one is going to be hating you as a teenager. hedda makes a good point though.

On his next birthday take the most recent thing he bought, whatever it is, beautifully gift wrap it and give that to him. Well thats what he has done here isnt it?

OP I know exactly how you feel. Since I've had our DC I feel as if my DH has just stopped seeing me for who I am and only sees me as xxxx and xxxx's mum. I feel like I've lost a bit of myself and the only hope I have of getting me back is if others around me treat me like they treated me pre children. Don't get me wrong, being 'mum' is the best thing in the world but I want to still be me! I like reading and theatre, music and nice designers, I enjoy days out, concerts, nice food, culture etc, etc and my DH knows all of this.

When DS 1 was born it was my birthday a few months after, he bought me a weaning book. Yes, a weaning book, that I hadn't even asked for. Why would I when I can download most books onto my kindle? I was devastated. He went out and bought me an ornament and a nice card, but it kind of soured things for me.

My DH bought me something even worse this year, DS 1 is now 4 and things were better the years after, but they seem to have gone backwards. My DH bought me an air freshener candle, because I like candles. Wrong on both counts there, I fucking hate candles. My reaction to this was to reasses our marriage, he slept on the sofa and we lived separate lives except for the DCs for about a month until I got my head around how I felt.

I realised over that time that there was quite a lot wrong with our marriage that we'd both basically ignored because we were tired, stuck in a rut and it was easier than addressing it. We've both been working hard to put things right and to change the fact that we just take each other for granted. I got him a card and helped the DCs make him something for Father's Day - usually I'd buy him a gift too and go to town on celebrating him being great but I didn't this year. He told me he felt really hurt, I explained that I didn't do it as revenge but that's what I thought we were doing now rather than celebrating each other. I knew he was hurt but he just let it go.

We're working on things, slowly. But the key to this is communication. Did he have no idea what to get you? Did you have a discussion about it beforehand? I'm not sure if my experience helps or not, but I completely understand how awful it is to feel that way and I couldn't let him just get away with it. I hope you feel better soon.

XP bought me Pyrex dishes for me to cook with, a Hoover for me, a set of kitchen scales and some Method cleaning spray for various Christmases and birthdays over the years
I asked not to be given household items as presents every single time
Even after friends and family also telling him not to get me household things, he still did it.
One of the many reasons he is an XP.

Current lovely DP uses my Amazon wish list and usually gets me something I've forgotten I put on there, he works from the bottom up.
I like this one. He even told me he was shit at getting presents. I have no complaints.

I hope yours wises up OP

Don't be so ungrateful.

Don't be ungrateful for a typed letter inviting her to a day she planned and organised? Hmm...

Yes OP, dont be so fucking ungrateful for a "gift" that cost him nothing in terms of time, thought effort or consideration. After all, at least he actually remembered your birthday!

FFS..........it never ceases to amaze me just how little some women are prepared to accept.

Cherish...,,are you having a wind up??? What the fuck is there to be grateful for!?!

OP, that's a shit lazy present!

Don't be so ungrateful.

There's always one! 😂

For his birthday, make him a book of tickets and on each ticket write a job that needs doing e.g., "This ticket enables the bearer to mow the lawn", "This ticket enables the bearer to fix the bathroom shelf", "This ticket enables the bearer to clean the toilet". He'll be thrilled!

He sounds like Ray from Everyone loves Raymond. I would give him a box of air on his next birthday. Always useful!

I feel your pain.

My DH is often crap with presents. He's getting better, but the worst was on my birthday when he said "I've been thinking, your present is to have a spa day - take your friend with you".

But he hadn't researched any spas. He'd never heard me express interest in spas as I don't like spa days. We were pretty strapped for cash and pooled all our money. So he was basically saying - you research spa days find one, book it and spend your own money that you can't afford on it. It was so thoughtless I would have preferred he'd said he'd got me nothing. I never booked it and he never mentioned it again.

He's got better though. This birthday he got me a "fuckthetories" necklace and I was pleased with that

That's not a gift at all. I really don't get how buying a gift is so hard. I tell my DH what I want months in advance, and where I'd like to have dinner. Otherwise I'll end up booking somewhere myself and I know he'll panic buy me something the week before. Wtf is that. It does really hurt your feelings because it's like saying 'you weren't worth the bother'.

Happy birthday OP.

I got a birthday email this year from DH

YANBU

Why are so many men not into birthdays? This year my dad looked very disaproving as dd opened hers as he thought she had too many. (8 from various people)

I'd still like box of chocolates that they'd hate and a night out at the theatre while someone babysat overnight so I could stay out until a million o'clock and have a lie in the next day snuggled up with DH.

Rabbit it's a bit insensitive to talk about 'snuggling' ( - not envy) with your DH when OP's DH has just given her an awful present.

He told me he felt really hurt, I explained that I didn't do it as revenge but that's what I thought we were doing now rather than celebrating each other. I knew he was hurt but he just let it go.

Dianne so he got you an Air Wicks for your birthday and then got butthurt when you didn't go to town on father's day? I hope you told him to fuck off! Does he do more for Mother's day?

Some of the stereotyping on this thread is ridiculous. It has nothing to do with men being useless or men not being into birthdays. People are individuals, not just one homogeneous group based on their sex or gender.

As for the stupid comments about withholding sex; is the OP nothing more than a prostitute who offers sexual favours in return for decent gifts?

The endless threads about gender stereotypes and the fact gender shouldn't matter are vindicated by this one thread. Women are their own worst enemies sometimes.

How on earth was RunRabbitRunRabbit rude or mean?? Everything she said was true. The huns who believe their precious bubba won't hate them have a shock coming! It is never a good idea to have your entire identity wrapped up in your child. If all you see yourself as is a mummy, then don't be surprised when your partner does too.

Could be worse, I got a divorce for my 15th wedding anniversary and had to uninvite all the people I'd invited to the party I'd organised for it.
On another occasion I said to my ex it was about time he got me the engagement ring he's never bothered to get me. i got a dog collar in a fancy box.
Men are shit.

My birthday is coming up and I've found a place I think everyone would like to go to. And we're going there as my birthday present. I think it's great - something that I've decided to do, we can do it on my terms and much better than some random thing that, I know DH puts a lot of thought into and he thinks I will like that I actually don't.

Then I read the OP's post and realised that actually she wants the exact opposite to me. So just wanted to post this to point out that I don't think the gift per se is crap, just your husband's understanding of you! (And that possibly he really hates your presents that you consider to be thoughtful).

Happy birthday Emsmum. That is indeed unbelievably crap from DH. You said that you can't retaliate in kind because he wouldn't be bothered (about a similarly crap gift). That's why he doesn't understand your problem here.
But instead of trying to understand, he's argued with you about it. On your birthday.
Yes, he's an eejit, but hopefully he's reacted like that because he's feeling bad (he bloody should be!)
My advice is to not let this be the focus of your day otherwise it really will be spoiled. I'm sure you have lots to be happy about and other (more thoughtful!) gifts to come.

Deal with his thoughtlessness another day. But do deal with it, he needs to understand that just because he 'isn't bothered' doesn't mean that you feel the same.
I hope you end up having a lovely day

@cherish123 Don't be so ungrateful.

Are you the same poster on the Paris thread that 30hours there was perfectly acceptable when the Op could have had a Friday-Sunday short break for the exact same price and level of planning?

That OP got told she should be grateful too.

I was going to say I'd tell me dh lots and clear - I can't believe he didn't listen to you! Id be pretty Annoyed. And call/ message him every 5 minutes for a while to check what I want for lunch what we should have for dinner etc etc because I thought I knew what I liked but apparently even when I'm convinced I don't like something you know better...

My DP bought me a playstation game (I'm not a gamer and he's the only one who owns a playstation) then promptly snuck it into his case when he went back to uni a week later...

Db*