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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset by this present

164 replies

emsmum79 · 05/07/2017 20:38

I put a lot of thought and effort into buying presents, planning days out and so on. My dh is not generally so thoughtful, and I have generally accepted that. However, I'm really upset about a recent birthday present, and he just doesn't understand why. Help me work out if I am being unreasonable please.
We are going on holiday soon and I found a place that our toddler will very much enjoy. I was really pleased to find it, am excited by how much she'll like it, but it is in no way something that I am interested in. I worked out costs, location, what else is nearby, what days and times we could go etc. My husband then decided to type up a "have a day out at the place you found/did all the work for" voucher as my birthday present. Aibu to feel a bit hacked off by this? He's done nothing other than type it up, and he knows how much I would appreciate him suggesting a day out for us all.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Summerswallow · 05/07/2017 21:50

Aw- I'm sorry you are having a rubbish birthday but some of these replies are really funny. Tomorrow's another day. Speak about it then.

NC4now · 05/07/2017 21:51

Another thoughtless husband here too. I had a big birthday, he asked what I wanted. I said a piece of jewellery but he was worried about choosing it so I suggested a shopping trip the week before.
I'd envisioned a lovely day out, bite of lunch, maybe even a glass of prosecco, and a leisurely stroll round as many shops as it took to find the perfect gift.
After two shops he was bored and grumpy that nothing I'd tried was quite right, so I suggested we had a break. We had coffee, which I bought, and went on to another shop, where as it happened I found exactly what I was looking for and was thrilled.
When the day came I'd asked for a family lunch out and a party at ours in the evening. I did all the party planning and prep (only a few guests came) and he had an argument with my teenage DS before lunch, and didn't come to that, so it was me, my kids and my mum - but no husband.
It was months ago now, but it still hurts.
Yes, I got a lovely gift I chose, and I really do love it, but his attitude to my birthday, and the level of effort he wasn't prepared to make took the shine away for me.
It was supposed to be a lovely celebration and instead, it was something he was forced to endure, grudgingly.
I made a huge effort for his, just s few months earlier.

You've had good advice here.
Happy birthday CakeWine

MadMags · 05/07/2017 21:52

That is awful!!!

Elllicam · 05/07/2017 21:57

:( happy birthday Cake. That is a bad present.

ShoesHaveSouls · 05/07/2017 22:00

OP - yanbu - that is a crap present. It's no present at all.

I won't tell you to stop crying, but please do go and put your feet up with a glass of wine. Happy Birthday Thanks

Firenight · 05/07/2017 22:03

Happy Birthday Emsmum.

It's mine today too and although at least my Amazon list was hit on behalf of the kids (I book of craft for me to do with them), my DH bought me a book he wanted. Sigh.

Cameron2012 · 05/07/2017 22:07

My ex husband bought me a sander, you can only imagine my joy

chupsmelad · 05/07/2017 22:14

he's still maintaining that it's a good present because we'd all enjoy it.

Well, it might have been, if HE'D actually put any thought into it Confused

Does he genuinely not see that?

I'm loving the idea of a voucher for him to do the Tesco shop. Or a night in his own bed. "But you love sleeping there!"

Itsmytemporaryname · 05/07/2017 22:19

Happy birthday OP. Write him a short note telling him you're disappointed and he must never do it again. Put it under your pillow.
If you can bare it tomorrow give it to him.
Be at peace with it tonight and know you're worth more x

Original poster
emsmum79 · 05/07/2017 22:23

Oh, it gets better- apparently he had a great idea that he wasn't sure I'd like, so he gave me my idea as a present as that was a good fallback. He won't tell me what his idea was. Things have been rough with us lately, so this is just one more problem for us.
Shoes- I have a glass of wine, some cake, and am watching a favourite box set. Thanks all.

OP posts:
TheProdigalRhubarb · 05/07/2017 22:23

Dh was like this. He excelled himself a couple of birthdays ago by buying me an out of date packet of biscuits.Hmm

I dealt with it by taking the piss - lots of "hey, mutual friends/family, guess what dh bought me for my birthday?!" and he was thoroughly shamed.

He seriously upped his game the next time with a piece of jewellery made especially for me. Totally out of his comfort zone, put loads of thought into it. It was perfect.

I still bring up the biscuits anecdote every now and then to keep him on his toes. And because it is quite funny!

RandomMess · 05/07/2017 22:24

That is utterly shit of him.

paxillin · 05/07/2017 22:26

Ask him to book softplay near his birthday, then give him a voucher for an afternoon of softplay he's already booked.

BasketOfDeplorables · 05/07/2017 22:27

If you'd previously enjoyed a day there, and he said let's go back for your birthday I could kind of see it even. Or if he said let's go there for the day, but also got you an actual present. But he has basically watched you cook dinner then said your present is a lovely home cooked meal.

echt · 05/07/2017 22:34

Oh, it gets better- apparently he had a great idea that he wasn't sure I'd like, so he gave me my idea as a present as that was a good fallback. He won't tell me what his idea was.

He is lying, but then you know that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/07/2017 22:37

You can't imagine a single birthday treat / present you'd enjoy more than a day out with your toddler?

What?

Are you insane? Or have you allowed your whole personality and life to be subsumed into being X's mummy? oh god, I've just noticed your user name.

You are a person. You were a person before you were a mother. Your child will hate you when she's a teenager and then just when she stops hating you she'll move out and get her own life.

If you don't know who you are and what you like any more, then how on earth does your DH stand a chance?

I could make a list right now of 50 things I'd love to do /get for my birthday. You know what, I could have all of them being actually for me not my children.

I love my children dearly and take parenthood seriously but I'd still like box of chocolates that they'd hate and a night out at the theatre while someone babysat overnight so I could stay out until a million o'clock and have a lie in the next day snuggled up with DH.

Original poster
emsmum79 · 05/07/2017 22:47

Run rabbit, yes I probably am insane. I also enjoy nights out to the theatre, concerts, nights out with friends. But, a birthday present that is from my husband and daughter is even better when I get to spend time with them. Years of infertility and a complete miracle of an ivf round has that effect. I work, have hobbies, study, have friends, and an utterly full life- I like my birthday treats to be with my family.
And I love being emsmum.

OP posts:
craftsy · 05/07/2017 22:48

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blue2014 · 05/07/2017 22:50

@RunRabbitRunRabbit - op said there is no present she would like MORE than a day out with daughter. I would certainly enjoy a special day trip with DS more than a box of chocolates (and I bloody love chocolate)

Also not all teens hate their patents (none of my friends did as a teen and none of my teen family members do now)

OP is having a rubbish enough day as it is without you telling her she basically has no personality.

Firenight · 05/07/2017 22:51

Beautifully said craftsy.

starsorwater · 05/07/2017 22:54

I have found that I buy myself the best birthday presents, and I have taken to doing it every year. It certainly takes the sting out of the wilko's plant propper-uppers, teatowels with recipes on, Nation Trust coffee table books and dog brushes which my lovely family present to me. I can open them secure in the knowledge of Givenchy perfume and raspberry choc . It makes the whole day much nicer for everyone.

Happy Birthday! Go shopping tomorrow.

Original poster
emsmum79 · 05/07/2017 23:01

Craftsy, perfectly put. Thanks.

I don't think run rabbit will be very impressed that I have lots of favourite chocolates, one of which is chocolate buttons. I got a bag today and my adorable toddler got the first few. I should just remember that she'll hate me in 10 or so years and not bother sharing!

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 05/07/2017 23:02

I've got a bit of a different view on this.

Some people are very good at choosing presents for others and some people aren't. Those people who are good at it often expect the same ability from their loved ones and, particularly in a romantic relationship, it becomes a test of "how much do you love me, understand me, we are soul-mates?"

I agree that some partners are lazy and uncaring but I'm not convinced that this is the case in this situation. He had an idea, was nervous about whether it was a good idea or not, so wimped out and went with something he knew you would like. I suspect he's got it wrong in the past, knows that he's got it wrong and now is frightened of getting it wrong again. Unfortunately by wimping out, he has got it wrong in your eyes.

My advice is to stop seeing his present choosing ability as a sign of his love for you. Accept he's crap at choosing presents and just tell him what you want.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 05/07/2017 23:04

Ok it's not a great present.

But. He has probably been listening to you talk about this day out, and has mistakenly thought it was something you wanted. And while that's not great, he's never going to get it if you have a row or cry about it.

You need to let him know that you are really looking forward to the day, but that you'd like a Birthsay present that's just for you.

I say this as someone who requested some years back that I'd prefer not to receive presents that come with batteries or plugs.

Original poster
emsmum79 · 05/07/2017 23:09

Great advice Hedda. He did get me a book I had asked for. I had also asked for a day out. I think that I should probably be more specific in future. That's if I don't go down the "happy birthday- here's a soft play voucher" route...

OP posts:
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