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Original poster

to not know how to explain transgender child in DD's class

365 replies

Peaches44 · 05/07/2017 20:01

I'm sorry if this comes across offensive but I am incredibly naive when it comes to these kinds of issues.

DD has a boy in her class, they are in reception year. At the start of the year she asked if the DC was a boy or girl and I could only answer as being not sure. The mother is very quiet so I hadn't heard her refer to the child as a he or she. The name is more 'boy' but could possibly be a girls also, the child wears a mixture of girls and boys uniforms and on non-school uniform days they wear girls clothes.

DD now knows he is a boy, but he is apparently allowed in the girls toilets and DD at 4 doesn't understand why, she also said a few other boys see this boy able to go in the girls and the boys follow.

She has asked a few times why he does tis etc. and I don't know the right answer, they are likely to be in the same school year for the whole of primary so they are questions I need to answer but I don't know how.

Would the mother be offended if I talked with her about it??

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MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 07/07/2017 11:30

How on earth does a 4 year old know that they are 'transgender'?

It's one thing wanting to dress up in tutus or high heels at that age (loads of threads on MN along the lines of 'should I buy DS a princess dress for his birthday') but it's another wanting to be known as female and use the girl's toilet Hmm

I fucking despair sometimes Sad

Original poster
Peaches44 · 07/07/2017 13:53

I'm going to have a word with her teacher after pick up today. I plan on wording it as if I'm not aware of the little boy and just say DD is concerned that a few boys are coming into the toilets and go from there.

Its hard because I understand they are young and it doesnt 'really' matter given there are cubicals etc. but its really what it is teaching DD. I didnt think I would need to teach her about transgender/gender neutral people at this age!

I think it is an age where they are understanding of the differences between boys/girls and starting to want privacy. I have approached the mother a few times in polite chit chat but havent heard her refer to the child as a he or she and only by his name which is a 'boys' name really. Think 'Will' where it is 99% of the time male but could possibly be a short form or Wilemina.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peaches44 · 07/07/2017 13:54

Would it not sound rude directly asking if her child is a boy or girl??

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GahBuggerit · 07/07/2017 14:04

Of course it matters, your little girl is already being taught that boys feelings matter more than hers and she is to step aside for them. Fuck that bollocks.

GahBuggerit · 07/07/2017 14:11

Empress that link!! "A man is still a man if he enjoys being penetrated vaginally" is probably the most hilarious yet scary thing I've ever read. Surely the person who actually wrote that is sat somewhere thinking "I actually can't believe they went for it"

Datun · 07/07/2017 14:11

Today 13:54 Peaches44

Would it not sound rude directly asking if her child is a boy or girl??

Not when said child is going into a space specifically reserved for girls.

And this is all part of it, isn't it? We feel it's rude to protect our boundaries.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 07/07/2017 15:23

And then as you get to know her you can drop in little guns like 'I could not get dd out of her spiderman costume for love nor money yesterday. She kept trying to climb the walls! Girls, eh?' and just try to consistently challenge her dogmatic view of gender if that's what she has.

Don't do this.

You have no idea what's going on so just concern yourself with your child and what impacts them.

FerretsAreFeminists · 07/07/2017 15:33

@YoureNotASausage what does 'living life as a girl' entail and how does it differ to living life as a boy?

justkeepswimmingg · 07/07/2017 15:37

How did the chat with the teacher go Peaches?

Lottapianos · 07/07/2017 15:52

'Also, all boys need to experience girls/women saying 'no, not here' and be taught to deal with it. That starts early'

yes x 100000

'A man is still a man if he enjoys being penetrated vaginally"'

I can't not laugh at this, even though its terrifying that anyone is taking stuff like this seriously

Original poster
Peaches44 · 07/07/2017 20:48

I spoke to the teacher briefly at pick up (DD was tired and whingy). I said DD had come home upset that a boy had been using the toilets and that others were now following him and that she was uncomfortable. The teacher looked quite uneasy and said there is a child who is 'allowed' but she will keep an eye on any who are following them in. Don't feel any less confused and definatley not reassured. I might ask for a meeting with her to discuss a bit further..

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RiverTam · 07/07/2017 20:51

Yes, I would. If this child is uncomfortable using the boys' toilet, that shouldn't mean any girl feeling uncomfortable by his presence, and another solution must be found. And they shouldn't wait for any girl to say she's uncomfortable either.

OlennasWimple · 07/07/2017 21:06

Yes, I'd follow up to ask what the school's formal position is, what equality impact assessment they have conducted, and their plans for reviewing their policy

justkeepswimmingg · 07/07/2017 21:33

Yes a meeting is a good idea. In the mean time since you've brought it up, she may mention it to the head teacher, as I'm sure it's a sensitive topic anyhow. I'm sure you'll get all the answers you need if you ask for a meeting. It shouldn't be making any child uncomfortable.

Original poster
Peaches44 · 07/07/2017 22:00

I think to be honest that the school probably don't know what to do about it all. I doubt its happened before, and their teacher is quite newly qualified so I doubt has experience in this area so I feel they are taking the 'safer' route as to not upset the boy and his parents.

If the boy was 'transgendered' would he likely flit between the two? I was under the impression that if he actually felt he was a girl that this would be the route he would always go down? It seems some days he is dressed much more masculine and the next fully dressed up in items that are banned in school (coloured shoes etc.). It seems to me more likely that the boy is discovering his identity and what he wants to wear etc. and that its his mum pushing it more.

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nauticant · 07/07/2017 22:14

The teacher looked quite uneasy and said there is a child who is 'allowed'

It would be interesting to find out from the teacher, or more preferably her boss, whether they have a clear and logical position on what they're allowing. My money is that they're clueless but have gone ad hoc to placate the parent who they reckon is more likely to make a stink.

The question I'd ask is that boys in the boys' toilet and girls in the girls' toilet is the status quo, the new arrangement is making my child uncomfortable, and so could they explain why the new arrangement is preferred by the school and how they think it's best for all of the girls

Stillwaitingforsummer · 07/07/2017 22:59

Has it been like this since September? Surely other parents are questioning the same thing - may be worth speaking to another mum you're quite close with?

StarUtopia · 07/07/2017 23:06

I've read it all now. Bloody crazy parents.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/07/2017 23:55

I have not RTWT

so this is probably a waste

but why do children have to understand everything? cant we say its complicated, that some children feel like an boy when they maybe don't have boys genitals, and they might grow out of it, and they might well not. and that its very hard for them, and to be kind?

nauticant · 08/07/2017 00:01

some children feel like an boy when they maybe don't have boys genitals

I have not RTWT

You don't say...

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/07/2017 00:56

I have read enough too fucking many threads on this thanks , way too many and that's my opinion . You have yours and that's fine too

HiJenny35 · 08/07/2017 01:37

I really don't see the issue.
I have a four year old, they are so open and accepting of differnces.
Simply say...

Some people have girl bits but feel more like a boy inside and some people have boy privates but feel more like a girl inside. People are different and that's interesting isn't it. Can you tell me ways you and your friend X are different? Blar blar blar that's right, there's lots of ways that people act and feel differently and differnces are interesting. We are alway kind and nice to people even if they feel or look differently to how we do.

notangelinajolie · 08/07/2017 02:05

You need to ask school. To a 4 year old the world is very black and white. They mostly prefer rules. Tell them your DD is confused and upset that a boy is using the girls toilets. And that you are not happy that this is being allowed. I'm all for sex education but seeing private parts of the opposite sex at 4 years old is not an education I'd want for my DD.

Sadcatlady69 · 08/07/2017 02:12

yeah...at 4 I would think that the mother is the one who has the gender issues rather than the child tbh. I would still go to the school and ask what the deal is however. See what they say and take it from there.

DixieFlatline · 08/07/2017 02:38

Some people have girl bits but feel more like a boy inside and some people have boy privates but feel more like a girl inside.

Hmm
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