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Original poster

to not know how to explain transgender child in DD's class

365 replies

Peaches44 · 05/07/2017 20:01

I'm sorry if this comes across offensive but I am incredibly naive when it comes to these kinds of issues.

DD has a boy in her class, they are in reception year. At the start of the year she asked if the DC was a boy or girl and I could only answer as being not sure. The mother is very quiet so I hadn't heard her refer to the child as a he or she. The name is more 'boy' but could possibly be a girls also, the child wears a mixture of girls and boys uniforms and on non-school uniform days they wear girls clothes.

DD now knows he is a boy, but he is apparently allowed in the girls toilets and DD at 4 doesn't understand why, she also said a few other boys see this boy able to go in the girls and the boys follow.

She has asked a few times why he does tis etc. and I don't know the right answer, they are likely to be in the same school year for the whole of primary so they are questions I need to answer but I don't know how.

Would the mother be offended if I talked with her about it??

OP posts:
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Allthebestnamesareused · 05/07/2017 20:33

Are you sure it is a boy. My cousin's daughter is very very tomboyish and has her hair cut like a boy would not just a short girl's cut.

Definitely check with the teacher before speaking to the mum.

NicolasFlamel · 05/07/2017 20:35

This nonsense makes me dread my son starting school in September Sad A four year old doesn't do this on their own. It's pretty sick to lead them into it.

SpiritedLondon · 05/07/2017 20:35

How does your DD know this child is a boy? My DD is 5 and gets very muddled by men with long hair and women with short hair ( despite my repeated explanations). She also comes out with statements like " boys can't wear nail polish". I have no Idea where thes statements originate from but it's not this house. I also know a girl of 5 who is very " boyish" in appearance, short hair etc who wears boys clothes and rejects any attempt to feminise her with skirts and dresses. I think if you didn't know you might mistake her for a boy... my DD certainly could based on her own rules of what makes girls and boys.

MeanAger · 05/07/2017 20:36

It doesn't sound definite that this is a transgender child. We only know that OPs 4 yo is unsure what sex the child is.

WindwardCircle · 05/07/2017 20:38

Be careful to keep your facts straight. There's a trans child at DDs school, I'd never spoken to DD about this child because they are not in her year so bringing the subject up didn't seem necessary. Then I discovered that DD and her friends were under the impression that as this child had effectively changed sex in front of them by changing their clothes, name, pronoun, the toilets they use and the sports team they play on this would happen to them if they did the same. DD literally believed she would grow a penis if she took on the gender role of a boy.

Riv · 05/07/2017 20:43

Just a point of information - some children are BORN with a penis AND a vagina. Some just don't conform to stereotypes. Some societies actually recognise a third gender. Ours does not. Is that the child's problem or ours? It's not just what they or other people decide to label them...
Being transgender or non binary at 4 is not an "issue" or a "stupid parent" its a medical fact. Just because we didn't recognise it as such or allow it to be expressed back in the day, doesn't make it any the less real.

WombOfOnesOwn · 05/07/2017 20:46

The vast majority of transgender children are not intersex, and there's no intersex condition in the world that results in being born with a penis and a vagina. There's no need to bring the plight of intersex kids in and lump it in with third genders (developed in societies where being homosexual is considered so taboo that men must become "third gender" to keep the social order if they are gay "bottoms") and transgenderism (a western-specific 20th century phenomenon about self-identification with the opposite sex).

AssassinatedBeauty · 05/07/2017 20:49

Some people recognise that gender is a harmful social construct and that it's not necessary to conform to the stereotypes associated with your sex. Not conforming to sex-based stereotypes doesn't make a child transgender. It just makes them an individual with a personality. It also doesn't make them have a medical condition. At age 4 no one should be assuming anything about whether a child will grow up to be feminine or masculine, they should be allowed to express themselves how they like without being labeled transgender, non-binary, a tomboy, effeminate etc etc.

conserveisposhforjam · 05/07/2017 20:50

Womb

Great post. Great username Grin

WyfOfBathe · 05/07/2017 20:55

I was convinced that a boy in my class at primary school was a girl until about year 2. He had a non-English name so that didn't give me a clue, had long hair (he was a Sikh), and always chose to play quieter games when 90% of the boys were playing football or bulldog. Could this be what has happened here?

Lurkedforever1 · 05/07/2017 20:56

If school aren't able to clarify the child's sex, I would be asking them if they would be equally keen to be right on and support my dd's right to be identified as a teacher, give her access to the staff room etc. Or is it just school policy to enforce gender stereotypes?

MimsyBorogroves · 05/07/2017 20:57

"Transgender" child in reception at the school my child attends too. Transitioned mid-year. Children have been very accepting once it was discussed.

Mum seems very adamant. Hmm

PocaMiseria · 05/07/2017 20:57

At 24 they can have 'issues' at 14 they can think they have issues... at 4 they just have a stupid parent.

This.

Carouselfish · 05/07/2017 21:01

At 24 they can have 'issues' at 14 they can think they have issues... at 4 they just have a stupid parent
Agree with this. Fucking ridiculous. My child wants to be a rabbit. I'll be demanding fresh straw and a hutch when she enters reception.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 05/07/2017 21:02

Being transgender or non binary at 4 is not an "issue" or a "stupid parent" its a medical fact

It is 100% not. It has nothing to do with either facts or medicine. It is stupid parents forcing a tiny child into "identifying" as things they have no concept of or need for. 4 year olds are not non fucking binary (if that was even a thing, which it isn't)

SemiNormal · 05/07/2017 21:04

Definitely speak to the school first, you'd be mortified if you speak to this childs mum and find it's a misunderstanding! I'm very surprised the school hasn't had some kind of small 'lesson' to give the other children some kind of understanding but then I guess that might be counter-productive and draw unwanted attention? Also I'm sure some parents would be up in arms about it. You can't please everyone I guess and I do feel for teachers trying to navigate this fairly new situation - it's certainly a minefield!

My 6 yr old has a transgender relative (came out few months back) and has accepted this with relative ease with simple explanation, I would try not to over complicate things.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/07/2017 21:05

Lurkedforever1
If school aren't able to clarify the child's sex,

You mean by something like safeguarding or data protection?

I would be asking them if they would be equally keen to be right on and support my dd's right to be identified as a teacher, give her access to the staff room etc

Ah yes, keyboard warrior does stupid, its one of my favourites.

Or is it just school policy to enforce gender stereotypes?

Or it could be that they have no choice as it is passed down from county and the government.

Sofabitch · 05/07/2017 21:07

When is is ok for a child to decide they are transgender?

Is there a set magic age?

Wonders if people think I am making my child the way they are?... I'm pretty devistated actually and still desperatly hoping its just a phase.

The school were actually more understanding than me.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/07/2017 21:08

Transgender 4 year old?

Really?! I really hope that is just a little girls misunderstanding.

twelly · 05/07/2017 21:08

Obviously the full facts of this situation are not known and their is a confidentiality issue. However, I do not think a 4 year old should be moving from one gender to another, this is a young child. Whatismore suggesting this happens in my view encourages other children who can tend to follow. Common sense needs to prevail.

HappyLabrador · 05/07/2017 21:09

What a crock of shit. 4 years old? Bloody hell, the world has truly gone mad.

Thank fuck the world wasn't this way when I was four (and my parents weren't pushy weirdos). I was desperate to be a boy when I was four. I can clearly remember wishing I was a boy. I often pretended to be a boy and hated wearing dresses etc with a vengeance. It may be because I had two older brothers and wanted to be like them, who knows?

Guess what? I absolutely do not wish I was a man now. It was a phase. I expect 99.99 percent of young children claiming they want to be the opposite sex are also going through a phase.

I feel sorry for the poor BOY.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 05/07/2017 21:09

No set magic age, no. But we all know its not FOUR.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/07/2017 21:11

Sofa

When they're not likely to say they want to be a dog when they grow up in the same week?

I'm really sorry you're struggling, I know I would too. I hope you and your child can reach a happier place, whether it is a phase or not.

I think it is easy for the school to be understanding...your child isn't their child so they can put their personal feelings aside in a way you simply cannot.

FirstShinyRobe · 05/07/2017 21:11

I think I would be having a big chat with the head about this. This is so much bigger than the kid.

You've got to get your thinking very clear on this, though, because we are in this ridiculous position because of muddled thought processes amongst those who should know better. They are faced with a well organised bunch who seem to think that law changes are just an administrative hurdle & that everyone should just act as if what they want is now in place.

Indoctrination of our kids to think that ones sex is but a detail is one of the biggest travesties of our time.

Have a read of 4thwavenow.com to get your ducks in a row.

imjessie · 05/07/2017 21:12

It sounds a bit like the child is gender fluid . Presumably brought up like this .. aka the school as you need facts before you explain it .