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Original poster

to not know how to explain transgender child in DD's class

365 replies

Peaches44 · 05/07/2017 20:01

I'm sorry if this comes across offensive but I am incredibly naive when it comes to these kinds of issues.

DD has a boy in her class, they are in reception year. At the start of the year she asked if the DC was a boy or girl and I could only answer as being not sure. The mother is very quiet so I hadn't heard her refer to the child as a he or she. The name is more 'boy' but could possibly be a girls also, the child wears a mixture of girls and boys uniforms and on non-school uniform days they wear girls clothes.

DD now knows he is a boy, but he is apparently allowed in the girls toilets and DD at 4 doesn't understand why, she also said a few other boys see this boy able to go in the girls and the boys follow.

She has asked a few times why he does tis etc. and I don't know the right answer, they are likely to be in the same school year for the whole of primary so they are questions I need to answer but I don't know how.

Would the mother be offended if I talked with her about it??

OP posts:
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7
retpally · 05/07/2017 20:03

The mother would probably be pleased you are approaching this in a thoughtful and kind manner! I'm sure she'd be happy to answer your questions.

Explaining it to your daughter I can't help with I'm afraid!

thegirlupnorth · 05/07/2017 20:04

I would approach school first and see what they say.

Pengggwn · 05/07/2017 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SharkSkinThing · 05/07/2017 20:06

Yes, speak to the chiild's mother, in a friendly and kind way. Explain your child has some questions and you want to be able to help support her child. Askher for a coffee somewhere, so she doesn't feel put on the spot in public - or a play date!

She'll be delighted, I'm sure, that someone has offered an opportunity to talk about it and make friends.

Good for you, you sound lovely.

NatashaRomanov · 05/07/2017 20:08

They are in reception???
Urgh. This has been pushed by the parents.

You need to raise it with the school if various boys ste following girls into the toilets. That is not right.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 05/07/2017 20:09

Ask the school.

Out2pasture · 05/07/2017 20:09

maybe something along the lines of "i don't know, have you asked xyz why"

Stargirl82 · 05/07/2017 20:09

Agree with pp and ask how they have explained to other children so you can use the same wording

WillRikersExtraNipple · 05/07/2017 20:11

4 years old? FFS. I'd tell her that sometimes boys like to pretend to be girls, and the whole world has gone mad on "gender issues" so they do crazy things like call fucking 4 year olds "transgender".

elevenclips · 05/07/2017 20:12

Is your dd sure (s)he is definitely a boy?
When my ds was in reception there was a girl he was convinced was a boy. She was/still is a girl, ds just got it wrong!

ClearEyesFullHearts · 05/07/2017 20:14

Labelling four-year-olds anything is ignorant. Wait until they're seven and one might have a chance at accuracy. Until then, they're practically feral. Angry

So ask the school.

ClearEyesFullHearts · 05/07/2017 20:16

I don't mean OP is ignorant, but whomever has decided to call this child transgender is ignorant about child development.

And yes, probably the parents, riding the zeitgeist.

Branleuse · 05/07/2017 20:18

I would tell your child that the other child doesnt feel like they definitely know whether theyre a boy or a girl, and hopefully it doesnt matter too much, because people are people.

Theyre just small children, so the simpler the better. Dont need to get into the politics of it

Original poster
Peaches44 · 05/07/2017 20:21

I dont mean to sound offensive labelling them as transgender and I am wary about explaining this type of thing with DD as that may well not be what is going on here and maybe the DC will outgrow this in a few years which would confuse DD more.

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner1 · 05/07/2017 20:22

Words fail me. Ffs. The child is 4 and has no sodding idea of 'gender politics ' but what's the betting the parents have invented an issue .

Their child is either a boy or a girl. And should use the appropriate toilet . The school needs to stop pandering to this claptrap. At 24 they can have 'issues' at 14 they can think they have issues... at 4 they just have a stupid parent. Poor little mite.

BarbarianMum · 05/07/2017 20:22

I got told on regularly for using the girls toilets when i was little. Thing was, I was a girl but with short hair, trousers and a unisex name (think: Alex).

Likewise there is a boy at ds2's cubs who i thought was a girl (they have girls too) for almost a term. Long golden curls, pretty face and another unisex name. Blush

Anyway, be really sure before approaching the mum.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 05/07/2017 20:24

My child is transgender.

I would far rather people came and spoke to me about any questions or issues that they have than try and struggle on explaining the situation if they are unsure how.

If you're not sure about approaching the parents then do ask the school. They have a responsibility to support all their pupils.

Muddlingalongalone · 05/07/2017 20:25

DD is in a class with a child who was a boy in reception and reappeared in yr1 as a girl with new name etc.
Kids are super accepting of differences at that age if explained properly.
I think they talked about her being born as a boy but feeling more like a girl inside.
Toilets are mixed so not an issue.
Pshe and penis and vagina this term must have been a challenge for the teacher though as I am regularly told so and so is a girl but has a willy.
I would ask the school to advise on best responses so that you are consistent with the way they are handling things.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 05/07/2017 20:26

My child is transgender

Are they 4?

demirose87 · 05/07/2017 20:26

I wouldn't approach the mother first on the off chance you've got it wrong and unintentionally cause offence. Speak to the school. Not sure what I think about this. Its good the child can embrace who they are, and parents and school are supportive,however I think at this age, how can they be sure what the child feels and thinks? When hes older it could have the potential to influence his thoughts and cause harm.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 05/07/2017 20:28

No Will my child isnt 4.

Blossomdeary · 05/07/2017 20:29

Labeling a 4 year old as transgender is nothing short of insane. Let this child wear what clothes they prefer, but allowing them to use the wrong toilets is quite quite bonkers. I would be taking that issue up with the school. It is wrong for the child in question and wrong for the rest of the class.

Heavens, my classes as a child were full of "tomboys" - no-one thought they actually wanted to be boys or should use the boys' toilets. My DGS used to dress up in his sister's Cinderella outfit; and he looked great naked in her plastic high heeled shoes. It is just children messing about. Don't let this poor child's future be mapped out at the age of 4 - so sad.

Sometimes I wonder if I have landed in a parallel universe!

alpacasandwich · 05/07/2017 20:31

I hope it is just a misunderstanding and not the school/parents condoning the transing of a 4 year old.

LogicalPsycho · 05/07/2017 20:32

At 24 they can have 'issues' at 14 they can think they have issues... at 4 they just have a stupid parent.

This.

AssassinatedBeauty · 05/07/2017 20:32

I'm surprised that in reception they have separate toilets, I thought it was fairly standard to have one unisex set of toilets next to the classroom for all to use?

Anyway, I would refrain from referring to the child as transgender. No 4 year old can really understand what gender is, and make an informed decision to present as the opposite gender stereotypes. You could tell your DD that clothes are for anyone who wants to wear them, not for boys or for girls, and that this boy prefers to wear a mixture of clothes.
As for the toilets, does it matter at this age? I'd probably not make a big deal of it and say that it doesn't really matter when children are little which toilets they use. Perhaps talk to the school about whether the toilets could be unisex for reception children?

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