Will I regret missing this?

[Channellingmyinnerfeline]

DD is pushing me to my limits of tolerance. Everything I do is taken for granted, often criticised or complains I don't do xyz rather than grateful for what I do do. She needs asking / reminding every day to do her simple house jobs although she'll admit at any other time she has an excellent memory. She'll do the bare minimum at everything responsible (helping at home, school work etc) but indulges herself at every opportunity to play & watch TV & soak in the bath while the rest of us dip in / out quickly as we've things to do. When I pull her up on anything, she sees it that 1. I'm being unfair on her; 2. her life isn't as fun as it should be; 3. nothing goes her way & she wishes she wasn't born. DD is yr3.

She has had a lot of crap in her life (father walked out when she was toddling & has paid no interest in her since, I have no family support so physically have no spare time to spend with just her due to other DD around, our house has major issues so friends over is a no go at the mo). I feel guilty like yes this isn't the life I wanted for her & it breaks my heart to see her growing in this situation, but given all I have on my plate I feel I am doing OK & raising them on a much better path than many with the things she's missing. However ultimately I feel guilty & perhaps over compensate for her negativity by tolerating too much & revolving around her too much to try to avoid it happening. This is becoming draining (emotionally & physically) and unfair on my other DD who I worry may feel 'less important' if things don't equally revolve around her, which would be impossible & where would I fit in with my feelings..?

Anyway this morning after another morning of nagging her to get up, doing her jobs for her (laying table, laying out school bags, topping up cats bowl, letting cat out) as she was down late again, she proceeded to eat breakfast secondary to chatting constantly, brought a toy to the table while we were eating (this is banned), decided to soak in the bath for the 5 mins I thought she was washing herself cos 'I need to relax', went off to play barbies rather than get dressed after her bath, shouted at me for 1. not tying her dress straps when she asked (I was doing my makeup) and 2. something else trivial I can't even remember as I was doing her hair... at this point I'd had enough & told her I'd had enough.

I told her it is unlikely I will attend her class assembly this aft. I know she didn't believe me cos I have never missed anything they do at school & she thinks it's said for effect.

It was a bit but partly cos I'm worried I'll regret not going. I also have split feelings while it could finally register to pay attention, stop ignoring me & taking me for granted... it could also send her the other way confirming (in her mind) no one cares and her life is sh!t.

I obvs do care. I feel I can't go on with life revolving around 1 member of this family. She has no idea how demanding she is (I'm confident in that) and under all the bravado can be quite fragile due to ppl abandoning her. I would never abandon her, but I am actually thinking not going to the assembly might be a good thing, or might be cause more harm than good.

I can't go on as we are. WWYD?

OP you're probably long gone but your thread was playing on my mind yesterday, so...

I do think a lot of the issues you're having are stemming from the fact that your expectations of your DD - in terms of being disciplined, seeing the consequences of her actions, doing things consistently - are very high. Doesn't matter that she's very bright, I think at this age bright kids can have a lot of empathy and insight and look like they know what are going on - but they still don't have the resolve, the mental strength or whatever, to knuckle down and do what they're told the whole time.

Reading between the lines about your own childhood I'm guessing it was much like mine - your mother was perhaps quite controlling, quite harsh in her punishments for stepping out of line? That's how it was for me, anyway, and one of the things I've been really amazed at with my own kids is how much they misbehave. Not nasty stuff, but the endless petty fights they have with one another, the dawdling, the tendency to ignore dinner and then say they're hungry as you put the bedroom light out. Absentmindedly wiping their hands on their clothes or the sofa. Just... a mix of absentmindedness and boundary pushing, constant, constant boundary pushing. My mother trained me out of all that at an early age, and while I always resolved to be gentler with my own kids, I kind of imagined being gentle to kids who behaved like I had! I didn't realise that treating them well would lead to them having worse behaviour at this age (mine are 5). And yet it makes sense. I was too scared to anger my mother, she was front and centre in everything I ever did. My kids assume I'll love them whatever I do. I think your daughter assumes the same.

Olivers yes my dm was a perfectionist too and everything felt like a real chore because it was never right first time either. The bloody windows were the bane of my life because I swear that even the slightest smear ensured every window would need doing again. I still detest cleaning windows.
I wanted my dc to help me and each other because they wanted to and not because I made them so it was pretty typical for dd1 to clean her room and then offer to clean ds's for him (ASD) not because I asked but just because she was more able than he was.
Doing it my way seemed to do away with the need for nagging and resentment and in the long run I don't think any of them ended up doing less around the house than some of their friends who had chore lists tbh.

Perhaps the gulf between parenting with DH's / grandparents / etc etc and truly lone parenting with NO support at all ever is too great for some to put themselves in my shoes. Lucky you!

You win todays MARTYR crown. Congratu-fucking-lations.

Now put it on and chill the fuck out about your kid acting like a kid, and look at your own appalling attitude.

I used to refuse to do anything because invariably she would take over and tell me how useless I was so why waste my energy if I was going to get told off anyway

Too much your post is interesting. it's the lower level misbehaviour i struggle with too. Dd (5) doesn't properly misbehave in the sense of deliberately hurting someone or breaking something or anything like that very often and I'd be very comfortable being hard on her if she did,but it's the constant ignoring your instructions/requests (not getting shoes on, opening something you've asked her to leave alone, keeping scraping something along the floor with her feet when I've asked her to stop - having to say everything three times) that gets really wearing. And how to respond? You can't have a battle over every little thing but i end up snapping when I've reached the end of my patience, which then i don't think dd sees as proportionate to the immediate crime. And she's the same at school, who say i need get her to do as she's told first time every time. How do people do it without the kind of authority that comes with a rule by fear? I'd be grateful for tips

Too much your post is interesting. it's the lower level misbehaviour i struggle with too. Dd (5) doesn't properly misbehave in the sense of deliberately hurting someone or breaking something or anything like that very often and I'd be very comfortable being hard on her if she did,but it's the constant ignoring your instructions/requests (not getting shoes on, opening something you've asked her to leave alone, keeping scraping something along the floor with her feet when I've asked her to stop - having to say everything three times) that gets really wearing. And how to respond? You can't have a battle over every little thing but i end up snapping when I've reached the end of my patience, which then i don't think dd sees as proportionate to the immediate crime. And she's the same at school, who say i need get her to do as she's told first time every time. How do people do it without the kind of authority that comes with a rule by fear? I'd be grateful for tips

Wow. Not to OP but to a lot of the commenters.

I have worked with Year 3s and 4s for several years, and I have a Year 3 girl at the moment.

Your DD sounds like a little Madam. She is taking the piss. They are not delicate little flowers at that age, especially at this time of year in Y3 ... almost Y4s ... and they know exactly what they're saying, what they're doing, and how they're coming across. I know this. We have Well over 90 of them in the school at the moment.

She is a child, yes. But she is not a toddler. She is not in Infants. She is old enough to know what is expected of her and what behaviour is unacceptable and to be pulled up on it. Our Year 3s know what is expected of them and what they're responsible for (not their parents, them!), and that there are consequences to poor choices, not doing their work, not pitching in when things need to be tidied up, etc.

I WOULD go to her show if you were planning to go, but I would definitely sit down with her later when you are both calm and lay out some new ground rules and expectations. Discuss consequences then. Choices and consequences.

Best to nip it all now. Good luck.

I see an 8 year old doing the odd chore as a training thing to her. I wouldn't expect any valuable help from an 8 year old.

Year 3?

Back off,ffs.

And by that, I mean pick your battles and don't do manipulative things like make a big deal about missing her assembly to punish her.

I see an 8 year old doing the odd chore as a training thing to her

You train a dog not a child

Glad you went OP, not going would've been unspeakably cruel. I agree with pp that you would benefit from some parenting classes, you are projecting onto her massively, what shines through your posts is how resentful you seem about your life, which, sorry, whilst I sympathise is not your DDs problem. She's a young child.

glad you went OP, I'm not going to slate you - but I am going to recommend counselling. You sound like your issues span back to your own childhood and I think your expectations may be exceeding 'normal' ones for DD because of things that happened to you.
It's clear you love her and are just frustrated and a bit snippy.
Oh - fwiw, it is far easier to get ready before them all in the morning. It can make such a positive change to my mental health to concentrate on them instead of falling over them as I'm trying to get dry etc. I'm a real night owl and hate mornings but it's sooo worth it to avoid the battles.
Best of luck.