Will I regret missing this?

[Channellingmyinnerfeline]

DD is pushing me to my limits of tolerance. Everything I do is taken for granted, often criticised or complains I don't do xyz rather than grateful for what I do do. She needs asking / reminding every day to do her simple house jobs although she'll admit at any other time she has an excellent memory. She'll do the bare minimum at everything responsible (helping at home, school work etc) but indulges herself at every opportunity to play & watch TV & soak in the bath while the rest of us dip in / out quickly as we've things to do. When I pull her up on anything, she sees it that 1. I'm being unfair on her; 2. her life isn't as fun as it should be; 3. nothing goes her way & she wishes she wasn't born. DD is yr3.

She has had a lot of crap in her life (father walked out when she was toddling & has paid no interest in her since, I have no family support so physically have no spare time to spend with just her due to other DD around, our house has major issues so friends over is a no go at the mo). I feel guilty like yes this isn't the life I wanted for her & it breaks my heart to see her growing in this situation, but given all I have on my plate I feel I am doing OK & raising them on a much better path than many with the things she's missing. However ultimately I feel guilty & perhaps over compensate for her negativity by tolerating too much & revolving around her too much to try to avoid it happening. This is becoming draining (emotionally & physically) and unfair on my other DD who I worry may feel 'less important' if things don't equally revolve around her, which would be impossible & where would I fit in with my feelings..?

Anyway this morning after another morning of nagging her to get up, doing her jobs for her (laying table, laying out school bags, topping up cats bowl, letting cat out) as she was down late again, she proceeded to eat breakfast secondary to chatting constantly, brought a toy to the table while we were eating (this is banned), decided to soak in the bath for the 5 mins I thought she was washing herself cos 'I need to relax', went off to play barbies rather than get dressed after her bath, shouted at me for 1. not tying her dress straps when she asked (I was doing my makeup) and 2. something else trivial I can't even remember as I was doing her hair... at this point I'd had enough & told her I'd had enough.

I told her it is unlikely I will attend her class assembly this aft. I know she didn't believe me cos I have never missed anything they do at school & she thinks it's said for effect.

It was a bit but partly cos I'm worried I'll regret not going. I also have split feelings while it could finally register to pay attention, stop ignoring me & taking me for granted... it could also send her the other way confirming (in her mind) no one cares and her life is sh!t.

I obvs do care. I feel I can't go on with life revolving around 1 member of this family. She has no idea how demanding she is (I'm confident in that) and under all the bravado can be quite fragile due to ppl abandoning her. I would never abandon her, but I am actually thinking not going to the assembly might be a good thing, or might be cause more harm than good.

I can't go on as we are. WWYD?

I'm a bit shocked by how having a few morning jobs is being seen as unreasonable.

I agree it's all very negative and op needs some support to move towards positive but everyone is being very harsh.

Oh sorry I forgot to add, a visual reminder of her morning jobs might help. I made a poster for my 4 year old son which is on the back of his door. When he wakes up he knows to brush his teeth, wipe his face and day time clothes on before he wakes anyone else or goes downstairs. He can't read so it's just a series of clip art pictures to prompt him. Not sure if it's age appropriate for your daughter but it definitely helped us and it means I don't need to be an annoying nag in the morning because he follows his poster.

Go to the assembly. Not going will not address the issues that you have at home with her.

They are something you have to work out between you , but home bebaviour should not be brought into school, school should not be used as a punishment for home stuff and vice versa.

Definitely go to the assembly. I have a year 3 child and I think you are expecting a lot of her. Cut her some slack and enjoy her a bit more. Children get into negative cycles when they meet negativity. Just try and have some fun together and see if the dynamics improve.

Gosh there are some really unfriendly responses here to OP.

When I was 8 (and my sisters were 7 and 6) we were expected to help out around the house as both my parents worked. My mum was a school secretary so she came home at the same time as us, but we were expected to hang up our coats, put our bags away, do any homework that was set us and then help with laying the table for dinner. In the mornings, which were always a whirlwind, we got dressed ourselves and helped to lay the table and then dried up as Mum washed up. It was a given that we would help! I don't think OP is being unreasonable in asking her daughter to help around the place, it's not like she's asking her to vacuum the whole house and sweep the chimney!

OP, I would go to the assembly - it will mean a lot to your daughter to have you there, even if she won't say so at the time. I would also look at doing what another poster has suggested, making a chart up of chores that you would like your daughter to do, and then rewards at the end of the week maybe. We had one on a blackboard, and were allowed to fill it in ourselves - at the end of the week we got a treat and were then allowed to wipe the board clean ready for the next week.

Oh wow, I hope I don't go down this road. I have two children, am a single mother with NO support. My entire family are about as far away as another country can get from the one I live in and have no friends I'd reliably consider leaving my kids with (or even asking for that matter). I work four days a week (having dropped from full-time when it all got a bit much) but I can't imagine saying I don't have time to spend with the DCs and feeling so resentful about them being in the way of my future and my plans.

It might be because I came at motherhood from a very different angle; as a much older woman who chose to go it alone. My future plans for right now are to nurture two humans into adulthood and hopefully do an alright jobt at it.

There is a chance that i might start feeling resentful of them not 'pulling their weight' as they get a little older and I am still doing the majority of the grunt work to keep the world turning for my little family but from where I'm standing now, it's hard to read your posts. I am seeing very little about their needs and a lot about yours.

I'm sorry you are having a shit time and that you are feeling frustrated and isolated. Please go to the assembly and stop off for ice cream or somethng frivolous on the way home.

When my DC were in Y3, they were expected to get their own breakfast, pack their own bags and get themselves ready. But I didn't nag, I helped when they couldn't/ didn't do them. I also found that a little bit of attention (which your DD doesn't seem to getting which I'm sure is the cause of some of the acting out) went a long way towards making them realize that they had to do some things on your own. You say you don't have time to spend with your DD - well you would have if you weren't nagging her to do things all the time!

Right firstly, I agree children should help with jobs around the house. My 7 year old makes her bed, puts her toys away and helps look after the guinea pigs. She is expected to put her bag by the front door each night and put her washing in the basket.

Of course she has to be reminded to do these things, she's 7. She often has to be reminded several dozen times. Because she's little, her main job is to learn and to play.

She loves to help with dinner as that is time for us to chat as a family, as are mealtimes. And of course we chat and laugh.

I do think you need to step back and take a look at your feelings. Being a single parent is shit. Having a family who are useless is shit. None of this is your children's fault.

I get you are frustrated, life dealt you a shit hand but you know what, it did lots of us.

Go to assembly, give your DD a hug and tell her how amazing she is. And please just let her be a kid.

I think you are having a hard time OP. My DD is 8 and I am working on her accepting that sometimes she has to wait (eg while I finish my makeup), and introducing small jobs like putting dirty clothes in the basket - more so she appreciates that I'm not at her beck and call (although I am really) and to try and sew a seed that when she's older she doesn't have to do everything in the house for everyone who lives there. I think that their very nature at that age is to think the world revolves around them, and that can be hard work. But my nan used to have a saying - 'life will hit them soon enough'. And it's true. Don't miss her assembly. I can't go to everything at school and it breaks my heart. What about having a 'family meeting' on neutral territory, where you explain (in child friendly language) what needs to be done to keep the house and life ticking over and get their help to plan how it can be done, obviously with the lion's share falling in your column. You should be reassured that her behaviour is normal, but perhaps you need to look at the bigger picture as a family. Whilst it's not their job to support you, at all, ever, they should see that you are entitled to some fulfilment on a personal level - as they are. Best of luck, OP.

Do you like your daughter at all, OP? Because it sounds as if you are mainly irritated by her? Yes, children chat, have short attention spans, don't do the things they are told to do, do things they are told not to do, dawdle, laze about, and are generally obstructive.

That's why they are called children. And they are wonderful. If you can't see this, well.

I think you are taking the lack of support your dm gives you put on your dc. You aren't entitled to overnights or babysitting. Fine to have rules but pick your battles. Does it really matter if a toy appears on the table or she prattles away as long as breakfast is eaten. How old is your other dd, are you giving her more attention in the mornings? Do you work, if you slacked off a little re jobs could you find time to say, feed the cat if she hasn't before you leave. Treat it as a nice to have and you may resent it less if not done. Why not put the bags by the door at bedtime, have evening baths when time is less pressing, get clothes ready etc.

Oh and because she is praised for doing her jobs and helping she asks for more jobs to do. So giving praise is really more productive in the long run.

YABU Op - she's still very young and I think your expectations are too high.

Your DD sounds exactly like my 8 year old DS-playful, imaginative, carefree, dilly dallying along in his own little bubble. Wonderful. They're children. Please go to her assembly.

I think you sound in a bit of a bad place right now. I don't know what the house 'issues' are, but your daughter just sounds like a normal child. How many people do you live with? You speak about 3 table mats for breakfast, but then say 'the rest of us' when talking about the bath. If it's a house share, could somebody watch your children for an hour for you to take a long bath?

If you can get time off work for all school events, could you maybe better use this flexibility to do whatever needs to be done in the house and/or have a child free hour?

Playing and watching tv is what kids do. It's not 'indulgent' - to an adult it would be, as you have the responsibility of looking after the children, house, cleaning, money, shopping, repairs, cooking etc. And your child won't appreciate this because it's just what happens. As she gets older awareness will increase, but try not to get locked in to a downwards spiral of misery before then. How old is your other DD?

Channel please, please go to the assembly today. If in future you cannot go for any reason make it clear to your child you will not be there and why (work/illness/personal thing whatever). To say you may or may not go is unfair to your child.

Your comments very much describe both my 6 (almost 7) year old and my 12 year old. So in that respect I think your kids are very normal.

I think you are getting a hard time on here and if this proves too much, please do step away from the thread. Many people on mumsent just want to make their point and forget you are a real person with real needs. Your dd is a real person too, and the only way we as posters can influence her and her life is through you. So pissing you off is a crappy and stupid thing to do, but clearly some posters have not worked that out yet!

It sounds like the end of your marriage was very hard and lone parenting is very hard, plus your own extended family are not very supportive. That is a shame and very sad for you.

I really hope you can access some support from friends, maybe a reciprocal have a single parent's child over for a sleep over and yours go to them, but only for people you trust etc. Or hire a trustworthy babysitter for a night out.

I would really recommend exploring some counselling (I've had heaps and it helps a lot). You do sound a little bit depressed and a little bit at the end of your tether. I've had a lot of issues with my children and having someone to talk about it with, who is not judgmental, is a huge help.

I'd look at ways to make life easier, to be honest, I'd try having baths and setting tables the night before, I'd look at fun incentives for kids if they help, not paying them but maybe sticker charts and small rewards like a family swim at the end of the week if they get their stickers.

Kids today are quite selfish and do not help much, it is quite hard to get them to do stuff, even my friend who is quite strict gets met with lots of attitude. But uncertainty (will you attend or not) will not help with this, rather than making your dd appreciate you will almost certainly make her feel she cannot trust you.

Please, please get some counselling to help explore your own family and childhood issues and how these affect your parenting.

Please do not read posters who insult you or offend you, Mumsnet is for support!!!!

And go to assembly, by missing it you just add to the negativity and you'll both feel crap. Life is too short.

Get some counselling support for you
Read "how to talk so kids will listen.. .."
Go to so e positive parenting classes
Cut her some slack she is a small child
Let her chat
Let her bring a toy yo the table what harm does it do it might be security for her

I've been you OP, I'm still totally on my own with my three I.e. No family or any support with the kids within 100 miles, but things are better now.

It comes on you slowly doesn't it? Little things that wear you down like tiredness, fighting constantly with your children, being told they hate you for alsorts of random things and just the constant nagging all day every day. It's hard, it gets you down and unless you've experienced it you can't really understand it BUT only you can fix it. You can fix it though

Go to the assembly, sit proud up front, tell her how wonderful she is after it and then get a grip of things.

When I was in the depths of fed up with my lot I looked at what changes I could make to make my life easier so in your possition I would

1. stop all chores for the kids in a morning. The stress caused to you by asking for them to be done is avoidable by you just doing them.

2. set a morning routine, with a clock and timers and rewards for getting things done on time. Make sure it applies to everyone.

3. set a routine for afterschool which includes ten minutes of chores, for everyone, straight after snack and homework before play time.

4. one evening a week offer DD a bath, with bubbles and a long soak if she washes quickly the rest of the week. Let her choose special bubbles etc for that bath.

It's hard to change a routine, it won't happen over night, but it will be worth it if you can take the stress out of your relationship with your DD.

One other thing that I introduced when life was tough and has been an amazing success in building relations with my children is one in one time which is in short supply when you're on your own with them.

2 out of three kids go to bed at bedtime on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, while the other stays up an extra hour with me. We make things, read books, play games, snuggle and watch cartoons or anything else that they want to do. I put my phone, iPad etc away and it's all about the two of us for that hour.

It took a while to establish because they kept interrupting each other's time but eventually we got there and it's a very important part of the week now.

Parenting is hard, lone parenting is lonely and hard but you will get there

Well different parenting ideas, I can't see any reason that in juniors the start of responsibility at home doing jobs & for oneself shouldn't begin, along with pocket money and other benefits of growing up.

It's interesting how many people have pounced on a few possibly badly chosen phrases. Indulging in the bath fair enough, not the right choice of phrase, she is always offered a longer evening bath with toys or a quick dip in the morning. If she chooses the quick dip she knows it's not a soak because mornings are always go go go. Congrats if you get up at sunrise to get ready b4 your kids but I don't. My DD is an advanced reader and sometimes comes out with phrases I never use from books she's read. Like 'I need to relax', I've heard some corkers over the years. No I don't say this as far as I am aware!

One thing just have learnt from this is the importance of proof reading posts. I fired these off for speed as the assembly is this afternoon & the way some of you have clutched onto certain things and dissected them is brutal.

I've de-stresssed a bit now & can see myself that I was reacting unreasonably & the day to day stuff is getting on top of me to make me contemplate not going. I will go, of course I will. My DD's are both the most important things in my life, they occupy my thoughts & decisions most of the time, they are what it's all about. It's more important than ever I am always there & dependable in light of so many other people who should be not being. Doesn't stop me getting tired & ground down sometimes & not getting everything right first time.

I will speak about what I said with my DD later, and apologise for raising the assembly in connection to the morning battle.

She can drop the cat chores incidently as they are extra ones she chose, but she wants those 2 jobs! And if I do them cos she's late down & I just need things done, she gets mad with me as she loves the cat & feeling partly responsible for looking after the cat. But that's the kind of thing that is difficult as if she's down late & then doing it instead of eating breakfast, that affects her DS if they both run late for school & we're all rushing then.

I'll not be commenting again on this post as there's no point, I've answered my original question. Thanks to the helpful / empathetic posters, I appreciate the challenging & constructive points you've raised in a balanced way

I lay out the school bags for my 9yo and 6yo and they don't even remember to pick them up! Every day it's the same, reminding them three times to clean their teeth, put their shoes on, coats on etc etc. They're not bad kids. Like your DD, they're just utterly preoccupied, in their own worlds, not thinking about boring things like chores or even basic survival. It can get wearing, and all the more so when you're alone and have to do everything for them, but you can't - and oughtn't to - make them grow up any faster. What you've described with your DD is utterly normal and I'd cut her some slack if you can. Will be better for you both. Also no point trying to "send her a message" discipline-wise. It's too oblique. Keep things simple and clear. Less stress for you all.

I don't think OP is horrible, self-centred and all the other quite nasty stuff being chucked around here. Whatever happened to the spirit of support for parents on MN?

I see an exhausted mother trying to do her best. It is OK to consider her feelings, of course she matters too - just as much as her daughters. All three people in this family have an equal right to happiness.

It's OK not to have all the answers or always do the 'right' thing. Everyone is winging it. Everyone makes bad decisions now and again. It's OK. What's important is how you deal with it.

I agree with pp - if it's not working, it's time to try something different. The key thing is your DD knowing she's loved and feels secure, so I wouldn't miss the assembly. Do exactly what you normally would. She may or may not acknowledge it, but she'll feel it. Address the other stuff separately.

Also see if you can make friends who might be amenable to a sleepover now and again and give you a break. It sounds like you need one!

Google or buy the book 'easier, happier and calmer' parenting. It has some great advice on how to get children cooperating and it's all about focussing on what she does do not what she doesn't. Sadly I think you sound exhausted and weary and it's perhap meant that you are losing perspective of what's important right now and that is your little girl feeling safe and secure in what has been a hard little life so far

Hi OP, you need () and I think.

I see where you are coming from.

this

"My DD's are both the most important things in my life, they occupy my thoughts & decisions most of the time, they are what it's all about. "
in your most recent post is actually coming across clearly throughout.

I'm glad you're going to the assembly because even though your dd is pushing your buttons - and even though it's ok to respond to that and enforce boundaries - this is the wrong punishment. And it's punishing you too. It's denying you both the lovely moment when she sees you're there and the one at the end where you can tell her how proud you are of her.

I have a year 3 girl who pushes my buttons too. I work very hard and she is very self absorbed and complacent about what I do for her. It's hard because I want her to feel relaxed and not to worry about where these nice things are coming from. but there's something about her attitude I'm not entirely happy about. Maybe it's just growing up.

OP don't make this people who give chores Vs people who don't

That is NOT what people are saying to you

My kids have chores, however I don't expect them to approach the chores in the same way as an adult would. They're kids. A "small" chore to me is a big chore to them.

It sounds like you are generally disatisfied with your adult relationships and are expecting what you lack from adults to come from your kids.

YOU are the adult, THEY are a captive audience in the relationship. If the relationship is not working the kids are not half responsible for the problem - you're the parent, you are

For gods sake go to the assembly, not going will make things much worse.