Will I regret missing this?

[Channellingmyinnerfeline]

DD is pushing me to my limits of tolerance. Everything I do is taken for granted, often criticised or complains I don't do xyz rather than grateful for what I do do. She needs asking / reminding every day to do her simple house jobs although she'll admit at any other time she has an excellent memory. She'll do the bare minimum at everything responsible (helping at home, school work etc) but indulges herself at every opportunity to play & watch TV & soak in the bath while the rest of us dip in / out quickly as we've things to do. When I pull her up on anything, she sees it that 1. I'm being unfair on her; 2. her life isn't as fun as it should be; 3. nothing goes her way & she wishes she wasn't born. DD is yr3.

She has had a lot of crap in her life (father walked out when she was toddling & has paid no interest in her since, I have no family support so physically have no spare time to spend with just her due to other DD around, our house has major issues so friends over is a no go at the mo). I feel guilty like yes this isn't the life I wanted for her & it breaks my heart to see her growing in this situation, but given all I have on my plate I feel I am doing OK & raising them on a much better path than many with the things she's missing. However ultimately I feel guilty & perhaps over compensate for her negativity by tolerating too much & revolving around her too much to try to avoid it happening. This is becoming draining (emotionally & physically) and unfair on my other DD who I worry may feel 'less important' if things don't equally revolve around her, which would be impossible & where would I fit in with my feelings..?

Anyway this morning after another morning of nagging her to get up, doing her jobs for her (laying table, laying out school bags, topping up cats bowl, letting cat out) as she was down late again, she proceeded to eat breakfast secondary to chatting constantly, brought a toy to the table while we were eating (this is banned), decided to soak in the bath for the 5 mins I thought she was washing herself cos 'I need to relax', went off to play barbies rather than get dressed after her bath, shouted at me for 1. not tying her dress straps when she asked (I was doing my makeup) and 2. something else trivial I can't even remember as I was doing her hair... at this point I'd had enough & told her I'd had enough.

I told her it is unlikely I will attend her class assembly this aft. I know she didn't believe me cos I have never missed anything they do at school & she thinks it's said for effect.

It was a bit but partly cos I'm worried I'll regret not going. I also have split feelings while it could finally register to pay attention, stop ignoring me & taking me for granted... it could also send her the other way confirming (in her mind) no one cares and her life is sh!t.

I obvs do care. I feel I can't go on with life revolving around 1 member of this family. She has no idea how demanding she is (I'm confident in that) and under all the bravado can be quite fragile due to ppl abandoning her. I would never abandon her, but I am actually thinking not going to the assembly might be a good thing, or might be cause more harm than good.

I can't go on as we are. WWYD?

What leapt out at me was the 'I need to relax' comment from her re soaking in the bath. That's not the sort of thing a 7/8yo says unprompted. Could it be that she's imitating behaviours from you? You clearly (as PPs have pointed out) feel very hard done by about your life and your dd's lack of pitching in (and again as per PPs, she's very, very young indeed to expect the sort of degree of making your life more convenient that you seem to from her) and I am wondering whether you talk a lot about 'needing to relax' around her?

You seem to be projecting massively onto her - playing is 'indulging herself'? There's a bitterness, almost an envy, here. That's worrying. Missing her assembly would be making her feel bad for making you feel bad - making you feel envy that she is having (or trying to have) a carefree child's life while you slog.

Sorry OP, but her life doesn't sound overly fun to be honest. Playing and having a bath isn't an indulgence at eight years old. I have a ridiculously busy life with my own business, horses, two children and a husband who is away every single day including weekends. I don't have childcare and one child has SN. I understand what it's like to be absolutely exhausted. But that isn't the fault of your little girl and she shouldn't be punished for behaving like a normal eight year old wanting to chat and play and be silly. I would cut down on the jobs for her and spend some time enjoying her while she still wants to chat with you (my 12 year old is now far too busy and important ). Relax and unclench and let a few things slide. If you are exhausted quit volunteering for a while at least. Take a break.

I'm a single parent with a similar aged DC and it is hard not to think of them like an adult sometimes, and easy sometimes to talk to them as if they are and expect things as if they are. But you really need to take a step back and realise how young she is and that you're expecting her to act like an adult when she is far far too young, and then punishing her for acting in a way that all children act.

She's a child, a young child.

Your expectations are off the scale. Listen to everyone on here, stop sulking and go to your daughter's assembly.

Why are you expecting her to function like an adult when you're behaving like a child? Missing her assembly to make a point would be passive aggressive if she was an adult. It''s unforgivably unkind when she's a child.

I have done trips & volunteered at school in part because my children like seeing me around school it makes them happier that it bridges their home / school lives, and in part with a view to possibly retraining into education (cue another fleecing .... yes I would give all the children in my class jobs to do yadda yadda). Is that allowed, that I would dare to be exhausted but still have hopes and plans for MY future?? Isn't that normal?

A few have made valid points here amongst the judgements & scathing. I only realised since having my children the issues with my own upbringing. I never once had anyone at any school event. I take it as an enormous privilege to be at every one of both my DD'S events plus on call for extras. It makes them happy. Perhaps the gulf between parenting with DH's / grandparents / etc etc and truly lone parenting with NO support at all ever is too great for some to put themselves in my shoes. Lucky you!

Thank you pinkunicorns for your msg.

Go to the assembly because if you don't your daughter will be hurt, and that's not how you discipline young children, it's how you damage them.

Then sit down and work out how you can get your daughter to do the things she should without being mean, making points, or damaging her. It means supporting her to make the right choices rather than shouting and scoring points.

So, instigate a new morning routine which you stick to (consistency is important), which involves no TV or Barbies or anything until everyone is bathed, dressed and breakfasted.

Get bags ready the night before, obviously.

Help her do her chores for a few weeks until they're part of the routine, and then you can slowly hand more responsibility to her.

She's very young to have to do all the things you list without support. And she's probably heard you say something about relaxing in the bath, and thinks that's what you're meant to do.

I know it's hard, parenting. But step back. She's not being deliberately difficult by the sound of it, she's just being a child.

Also, if she is hugely forgetful compared to other children her age (and I'm not sure she is), consider having her tested for dyslexia. One of mine has dyslexia and it causes huge problems with short term memory, and is often overlooked, particularly in brighter children who learn to compensate in odd ways.

Jesus wept. You have massive, really massive expectations of a 7/8 year old child.
Mine has her chores too but honestly, I wouldn't get mad at her just because she didn't fulfil them 100%. She's still a child, her attention is all over the place.
You seem to whinge about your own life and grievances more than you care about your child. Remember, it was your choice to be a mother. It wasn't her choice to be born.
You sound like a horrendous person. Perhaps you need some counselling regarding your own issues and your relationship with your child who comes across as a normal child, with behaviour appropriate for her age.

Year 3? Jesus. She's a little kid. There are heaps of research on how people have very lofty expectations about what little girls should be doing around the house and how mature they're supposed to be the moment they exit the birth canal, whereas boys are permitted to be children a lot longer. No wonder she needs to relax. She isn't 'indulging herself to play', she's playing. It's what children are supposed to do. Play. Not be kitchen slaves. She's not even allowed to chat? Jesus.

Start with one job a day. Reward her when she does it. She doesn't need a rota of jobs before school.

And yes, refusing to go to her assembly would be very sad. My kids always look out for me there and to think she'll be looking for you and you haven't gone 'as a punishment' is just really sad. Your house has 'issues', her father left, you think she should be a servant and she says creepily over-mature things like 'life isn't fun'. It doesn't sound much fun. I have a kid the same age; I would never dream a child so young could say they wish they'd never been born.

I haven't had a night off in 10 years. It's not a contest, but I know how it feels. My parents refuse to be grandparents, never babysit, never even visit ("We've done our time") But you don't take it out on the kids and expect them to morph into adult help overnight.

Seek help.

Stop treating her like an adult. Don't make her do chores in the morning fgs, she's 8, priority is to make sure she's feeling OK, had a good nights sleep, and get some food in her belly. At that age you should be asking her to help you with things e.g. folding the laundry and putting away together as a team, or washing up, tidying the garden, cleaning the same room etc and also include your other DD! Treat them the same where age appropriate. You probably constantly whine/nag at her, even when you think you're just talking to her, so feelings of resentment are bouncing off between the two of you.

Don't 'pull her up on things', don't give her that responsibility yet, she's still asking for help to get dressed! Direct and guide her at that time. Get yourself ready before they are up, so you can help them get ready :S

Be a team... damn

Oh she's only 8 years old I thought you were talking about a teenager. She sounds pretty typical for 8 you sound like you are sucking the joy out of life as her parent tbh. Can you look into parenting courses to check your expectations are realistic and to investigate a more positive way of parenting? Perhaps you need to make a plan to ensure you source a babysitter and regularly (once a fortnight) get time away to recharge.

Why does the table need to be set for breakfast surely grabbing a few spoons and dumping them in the middle of the table would suffice.

Why can't you feed and let the cat out. Why can't you pick up her clothes from the floor. If you have time to hear other people's children read then you have time to look after your dd

Everything you say sounds like your dd is an inconvenience. How old is your other dd.

Is your other dd the golden child

Who else lives in your home OP?

I think when your own childhood was not quite good enough, it's hard to judge how to be a parent. The other posters have said that they see this situation really differently from you.
You're right, it's good to volunteer with a view to getting back to work and I can see why you prioritise it. You might find some parenting support groups helpful, though.

The way you spoke in your OP, I really did think DD was an older teen, not a young junior. Is there anyone at school you can talk to, just to get an idea of how they are with their children? What the norm is for chores, etc?

Is that allowed, that I would dare to be exhausted but still have hopes and plans for MY future?? Isn't that normal?
Perhaps the gulf between parenting with DH's / grandparents / etc etc and truly lone parenting with NO support at all ever is too great for some to put themselves in my shoes.

And once again, all that comes across is YOU, YOU, YOU. Overwhelming self-pity.
You're not the only lone parent (or a parent whose spouse is away a lot) with zero other support in this world.
Get over yourself. My empathy died with your last post because you only seem to see yourself but not your children and their happiness.

I sympathise with your situation. Parenting is hard, really, really hard and relentless.

However, I do think you need to have more realistic expectations and do more active parenting because that is the only thing you can change.

Children are inherently selfish, often thoughtless and rarely grateful. It's our job as parents to help them learn how to be more socially responsible and respectful - including at home.

If I were you I would have a think about what practical things you can do to make your life easier and get some respite from the drudge. That coupled with some more focused time where you do things you enjoy will help give you a bit of emotional credit to mitigate the times when the dc are only taking from you.

I know it's not going to be news to you, but boundaries, consistency and routine are important for your children. It is also important that you don't expect adult behaviour from children but help support them to gradually take on more responsibility by parenting them, not just laying down rules or diktats without also eliciting agreement and understanding.

Go to the assembly.

Never mind will you regret missing the assembly, in 10 years time you'll have a daughter that doesn't like you and you'll look back over her childhood and regret being such a bloody control freak.

I'm all for kids helping out around the house but at her age she should be taking her plate to the kitchen after dinner, making her bed and helping tidy her toys after she's played with them not sorting out the bloody cat when she's should be getting ready in the morning for school.

Give your bloody head a wobble

Your sulky, resentful martyrdom is not winning you any friends here OP.

You sound very envious of your daughter tbh, almost determined to make her suffer in the way that you believe you have suffered.

You don't have to be perfect - and neither does she. Let the rules go for a week. the more rules you have, the more conflict you will have.

Could you re-jig your routine so that mornings are little less Puritanical?

Can she have a bath at night, so that she has time to relax and play? Baths are one of life's great pleasures IMO. You've paid for the hot water anyway, so you may as well let her wallow in it with a few bath toys for twenty minutes or so.

Yes true what daisychain said about her looking for you, and it's also true that the one assembly they remember is the one you couldn't go to, not all the others you did go to.
Yep, the only primary school play I remember being in is the one where my mum didn't turn up. I have a clear memory of seeing our neighbour waving at me from the audience (her son was in my class) and looking out for my mum who wasn't there. I couldn't tell you if I was in (walk-on part only) anything else, just that one. It's a crap feeling.

It must be so hard never getting a break OP.

It is exhausting trying to get kids ready in the morning when they dither about/ chat etc - but you know what, honestly they are children it is normal that they want to chat and enjoy life. We are the ones pushing them to school/ to get ready etc, we need to accept it won't be their priority!

It does sound as though you carry a lot of anger about your own childhood. I wouldn't expect a child to be 'grateful' for me turning up at a school event - i go to them because I love my children - and my children can just take that for granted - I really don't think children need to be constantly made to feel grateful for the basic things in life. ie. food/ love/ nice house. You feel that way because you see her as luckier than you - but isn't it great that she doesn't know any other way? That she takes your love for granted?

The way you use the word 'indulding' is odd. Of course a child should enjoy their bath as long as possible - why is this something you don't like? Can you use the word enjoying instead of indulging? She isn't out at work - she is at home and loves her toys/ chatting/ having fun - that is natural.

I expect most kids in england bring toys to the breakfast table. Could you try to relax about all of that?

FWIW I think that attending school events is just something you do because you should as a parent want to be part of your chlids school life while you can. DOnt use it as a punishment. And try to change your expectations for mornings/ her use of her own downtime ie having long baths. I love it when my kids want to spend time inthe bath I think its great relaxation after a school day.

Have you considerd having counselling?

Just for context I still pick up clothes from dd and ds's bedroom floor. I have only had 4 nights out without dc in the past 17 years. I have no help as I have no family and a dp who is terminally ill. We all have issues but we don't go around punishing 7 year olds for how we feel.

You don't feel like going? Well part of being a grown up is sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. You expect your little girl to act like an adult and do things she doesn't want to do why doesn't that apply to you.

You know from your own upbringing she will be hurt not to see you there so by not going you are planning to hurt her on purpose. Why direct that level of malice towards your DD and what is she meant to learn from that except that you have a spiteful streak?

"Is that allowed, that I would dare to be exhausted but still have hopes and plans for MY future?? Isn't that normal?"

Wah Wah Wah what about me?!
Oh pull your head out of your arse

Ffs her jobs of laying the table (3 placemats thrown down & 2 empty cups) laying out the school bags (carrying thru 2 book bags I have fully packed the prev eve to lay them nxt to the front door) putting 3 scoops of dry cat food out of a tub next to the cats bowl into the cats bowl & opening the back door to let out the cat with a cat treat.... seriously she is not being asked to work in the Cotton Mills.