Will I regret missing this?

[Channellingmyinnerfeline]

DD is pushing me to my limits of tolerance. Everything I do is taken for granted, often criticised or complains I don't do xyz rather than grateful for what I do do. She needs asking / reminding every day to do her simple house jobs although she'll admit at any other time she has an excellent memory. She'll do the bare minimum at everything responsible (helping at home, school work etc) but indulges herself at every opportunity to play & watch TV & soak in the bath while the rest of us dip in / out quickly as we've things to do. When I pull her up on anything, she sees it that 1. I'm being unfair on her; 2. her life isn't as fun as it should be; 3. nothing goes her way & she wishes she wasn't born. DD is yr3.

She has had a lot of crap in her life (father walked out when she was toddling & has paid no interest in her since, I have no family support so physically have no spare time to spend with just her due to other DD around, our house has major issues so friends over is a no go at the mo). I feel guilty like yes this isn't the life I wanted for her & it breaks my heart to see her growing in this situation, but given all I have on my plate I feel I am doing OK & raising them on a much better path than many with the things she's missing. However ultimately I feel guilty & perhaps over compensate for her negativity by tolerating too much & revolving around her too much to try to avoid it happening. This is becoming draining (emotionally & physically) and unfair on my other DD who I worry may feel 'less important' if things don't equally revolve around her, which would be impossible & where would I fit in with my feelings..?

Anyway this morning after another morning of nagging her to get up, doing her jobs for her (laying table, laying out school bags, topping up cats bowl, letting cat out) as she was down late again, she proceeded to eat breakfast secondary to chatting constantly, brought a toy to the table while we were eating (this is banned), decided to soak in the bath for the 5 mins I thought she was washing herself cos 'I need to relax', went off to play barbies rather than get dressed after her bath, shouted at me for 1. not tying her dress straps when she asked (I was doing my makeup) and 2. something else trivial I can't even remember as I was doing her hair... at this point I'd had enough & told her I'd had enough.

I told her it is unlikely I will attend her class assembly this aft. I know she didn't believe me cos I have never missed anything they do at school & she thinks it's said for effect.

It was a bit but partly cos I'm worried I'll regret not going. I also have split feelings while it could finally register to pay attention, stop ignoring me & taking me for granted... it could also send her the other way confirming (in her mind) no one cares and her life is sh!t.

I obvs do care. I feel I can't go on with life revolving around 1 member of this family. She has no idea how demanding she is (I'm confident in that) and under all the bravado can be quite fragile due to ppl abandoning her. I would never abandon her, but I am actually thinking not going to the assembly might be a good thing, or might be cause more harm than good.

I can't go on as we are. WWYD?

What is wrong with you?! You want to "send her a message"?! She's SEVEN. Why on earth do you think that emotionally hurting her is a good way to punish a little child?! Your poor DD!

You need to stop taking your frustrations over the way your life has turned out on a small child for doing such incredibly normal things as playing in the bath or carrying toys around the house with her.

Are you able to see that that's what you're doing?

Also, her taking 5 minutes to soak in the bath instead of helping you isn't acceptable but you doing your make up and ignoring her when she needs help getting dressed is? FFS!!

Chats during breakfast?

Wants to play barbies?

Brings a toy to the table?

Asks for help dressing?

Public flogging is in order methinks.

What everyone else said - she's 8! I think she should get cut a bit more slack, really.

I think that you sound really ground down and perhaps need to start looking at changes you could make, but IMO it would be unfair to miss her assembly to punish her. I think at that age they should be given fair warning of what the specific consequence will be so they have a chance to amend their behaviour, e.g.

Stop that, stop that, stop that... RIGHT! I'M NOT COMING TO YOUR ASSEMBLY!!!! = unfair.

Stop that, stop that... If you do that one more time, I won't come to your assembly = fair.

I might go but sit at the back. I have only ever been front row at every thing she's been at! So that might send a message but compromise on the event - sorry but this is one of the meanest things I've heard.

You should go, of course. And you should go with a heart and a half. She is your little girl! Of course they push your buttons and drive you mad sometimes, but the things you're describing are all pretty normal young child things - sounds like the 'issues' are more yours than anyone else's. Please don't punish her for that.

Wow do some of you just come on here to look for ppl to talk down to?

There is nothing I've said that indicates my kids are an inconvenience, this post is about making a choice that is the right choice for my DD & me (yes I am part of this equation, don't the feelings of a parent matter in a family & part if where I'm coming from is the acknowledgement that I may not be thinking clearly due to other factors).

Yes I think at age 8 a few small token jobs are appropriate, what's with the attitude. The cat related ones she asked to take on then doesn't do, she shouldn't have asked! I don't see anything wrong in handing over some responsibility to keep things flowing with the household at junior school age if a child literally does nothing otherwise. To me that's about raising a human who contributes.

I didn't want to punish her by not attending the assembly, I genuinely don't feel like going & maybe it's not a bad thing she understands how her behaviour affects others. As I said I've never missed 1 thing at school before and have volunteered for extras like trips, school events etc so perhaps because I have a presence in the school life I'm not seeing the enormous weight of this assembly as some would. Also just to point out someone who does all the extra volunteering at school isn't the type of person who sees their child as an inconvenience... I have listening to other ppls kids reads every week because their own parents don't. To me that is far more the type of parent who sees their child as an inconvenience to not spare the time to support their reading in the evenings. I'll probably be fleeced for that now!!

Go to the assembly, give her a big hug, and then chat to some of the other mums and see if you can arrange playing at friends' houses for a couple hours at least to give yourself a bit of slack.

My eldest is Y3 too and they have been tired and whingey recently. School routines are hard work for them. They really are young.

I'm not sure that missing her assembly would have any positive effect on her behaviour, which sounds perfectly normal for an 8 year old.

I would go, and tell her afterwards that you shouldn't have said what you did and that you'll always be there for the important events in her life as you love her.

DCs can be a pain. I've taken a week of valuable annual leave off with very little planned so that DS can chill as last year he complained that he didn't have enough relaxing time. This time round he is apparently bored and my ideas of things to do are lame, it is frustrating, and doubly so with no one else to bounce frustrations off I would imagine.

Your DD's friends don't care what your house looks like so try to have some over or at least take them to the play park instead. Try to make some time for her even if it's just a concerted 10 minutes of positive attention it will help.

And go to the assembly.

OP you make me feel really sad for your little girl.

Did you have any understanding of children before you had an actual child? She sounds pretty typical tbh. Don't piss all over her childhood.

She's a kid, jeez. You speak like she's an adult. Give her a break, nothing you say sounds out of the ordinary. And as already pointed out, chances are, things will be MUCH worse when she's a teenager.

If you need a break, put plans in place to get one, rather than "punishing" a 7/8 year old by not going to her school show, that's really sad. I feel sorry for her.

If you have all this spare time to volunteer, why do you feel you're chronically exhausted? Take time to rest instead if you need to.

My DC also have jobs to do, but it's natural that they prefer playing and need reminding. I also need to remind myself that children need to play.

Go to the assembly even if you don't feel like it: yes, you'll regret it if you don't.

Yeah...you sound self obsessed . Not parent material at ALL!

OP, I was going to ask if you're ok but you're clearly not.

I think you've unhinged yourself from this situation a bit, and need to look at what's going on with a fresh pair of eyes.

You're expecting a child to think and act like an adult, and sending her really bizarre messages. How will missing the assembly make your daughter feel, really? All she'll think is that you don't care about her, and that's not something any child should feel.

Please, please find a way to give yourself a break and get away from your current rut. You really need some perspective, as well as a chance to be an adult yourself.

OP, you are expecting too much from your DD. Your morning routine needs a rehaul because it is dreadful.

Who are the "we" you refer to in your OP?

OP. I understand where you are coming from, DD is y4 and I have been a single parent for 5 years now with very few visits to her dad.

DD will same the same, my life is awful, I wish I had never been born, nobody understands how hard my life is - all because I asked her to put her rubbish in the bin not on the floor, and her dirty clothes in the wash not on the floor.

Nobody will understand how you feel unless they are in the same situation. It is so hard bringing up a difficult child with no other physical or emotional support. It is exausting and sometimes you don't deal with things as well as you would like, or as other parents might. We can't all be perfect.

Does DD do any clubs? Are there any that you can put her in, in order to have an hour or two to yourself?

DD can't have any distractions in the morning or she will sit there just wearing 1 sock for an hour, so the rule is - eat at the table, no ipad, no tv, no toys. Once eaten, then get dressed, get bag ready. There needs to be a very clear routine for DD to follow.

Regarding the school assembly, I would go if I were you. It is not a good punishment for DD, and you will both feel awful if you don't go. I was that kid myself, whose Mum wasn't there and I still remember it now 40 years later. I have seen kids at DD's school crying when their parents aren't there. So don't do that to her or yourself.

Have you tried reward charts or penny jars? So each job earns a penny and then those pennies are turned into something? so 50 pennies equal a day out, or 25 pennies equal a comic ? Give DD something to earn and to look forward to.

Re the overnight thing, my dcs are much, much older and my family have never had them overnight (or in the day in fact) either and the only overnight break I've ever had is when dc2 has been on school trip. DC1 doesn't go away overnight for medical reasons. I don't necessarily think peoples' parents and siblings have relations' kids overnight as much as you might think. Mine certainly never have.

Dude, when pretty much everyone disagrees with you, maybe have a rethink.

As others have said, she's only in year 3.
In the nicest possible way, get a grip. Your expectations are not age appropriate and you need to a be a stable, secure presence in her life, not sulking if you feel taken for granted, or whatever it might be. Kids at this age can be very trying indeed, but you need to be the stable adult and not so reactive.

OP - I think you will regret missing the assembly. It's a tough being alone with children and it's very easy to get caught up in negative spirals and ways of parenting. The slog can be so hard you lose sight of being warm and loving which I am sure is how you want to be.

Today I would go to the assembly, give her a hug and then start some positive parenting things like marble jars and spotting the children being good. I write down nice things the children do each day, pop it in a jar and then read them out on a Sunday over lunch. There are some great books like 123 magic and how to talk so your kids will listen that might help.

I can also say that my children lay the table, put cat food in the bowl and get their school bags out so I don't think this unachievable. They don't have toys at the table either. I would tackle it slowly though in a positive way. ( we have lots of issues too and it doesn't go smoothly all the time I was just meaning I don't think your expectations are cruel for a year 3 child - I just think you need to start over with more positive parenting stuff.)

I'm a lone parent with no break and exh doesn't have them overnight. Mine are 8&9. I do ask for help wth chores but only a few, both of mine get carried away with playing, instead of getting ready, or I'll ask them to do something and they'll get side tracked. They're children.

I think you're expecting too much and punishing her by not going to assembly isn't the right way at all.

She's still young; I try and praise and use positive reinforcement. When I nag a lot and they feel got at their behaviour gets worse not better. Pick your battles OP.

You sound resentful and fed up. Can you get a break by a friend watching them?

I live in a small flat and work part time and it does need some TLC but I don't let it stop me inviting people over. Like me like my mess. It's great for the kids to have play dates.

she'll do the bare minimum at everything responsible (helping at home, school work etc) but indulges herself at every opportunity to play & watch TV & soak in the bath while the rest of us dip in / out quickly as we've things to do.

Wow what a horrible way to think about your young child

"Brought toy to the table"
That's the bit I struggle with most not exactly the crime of the century, she's 7/8 OP you seriously need to chill out and let a few of your rules slide otherwise your setting yourself up for big problems when your DCs are adolescents.

If you miss the assembly she will feel you don't care about her - it won't be about connecting the dots between her (perfectly normal for an 8 year old) behaviour affecting others. It's not fair to put such adult connotations and expectations on a small child. I agree some jobs here and there are a good thing to do, but it sounds like too much to expect her to do this daily and it's not OK to withdraw attention, and affection, if a child just acts like a child. You'll wind up with a bigger problem.

You are treating your child like an adult - putting responsibilities and expectations on her that she is too young and ill-equipped to cope with.

With the cat for example - of course she's not going to carry on doing all these chores. She's a little girl. That's what little girls - and boys do. They don't think or act like adults because they're just small children. You need to take responsibility. You're the adult.

You seem to have so many tasks and chores for her to do - how is she supposed to remember all these things? I'm not surprised she is rebelling. Lighten up on her OP.