Will I regret missing this?

[Channellingmyinnerfeline]

DD is pushing me to my limits of tolerance. Everything I do is taken for granted, often criticised or complains I don't do xyz rather than grateful for what I do do. She needs asking / reminding every day to do her simple house jobs although she'll admit at any other time she has an excellent memory. She'll do the bare minimum at everything responsible (helping at home, school work etc) but indulges herself at every opportunity to play & watch TV & soak in the bath while the rest of us dip in / out quickly as we've things to do. When I pull her up on anything, she sees it that 1. I'm being unfair on her; 2. her life isn't as fun as it should be; 3. nothing goes her way & she wishes she wasn't born. DD is yr3.

She has had a lot of crap in her life (father walked out when she was toddling & has paid no interest in her since, I have no family support so physically have no spare time to spend with just her due to other DD around, our house has major issues so friends over is a no go at the mo). I feel guilty like yes this isn't the life I wanted for her & it breaks my heart to see her growing in this situation, but given all I have on my plate I feel I am doing OK & raising them on a much better path than many with the things she's missing. However ultimately I feel guilty & perhaps over compensate for her negativity by tolerating too much & revolving around her too much to try to avoid it happening. This is becoming draining (emotionally & physically) and unfair on my other DD who I worry may feel 'less important' if things don't equally revolve around her, which would be impossible & where would I fit in with my feelings..?

Anyway this morning after another morning of nagging her to get up, doing her jobs for her (laying table, laying out school bags, topping up cats bowl, letting cat out) as she was down late again, she proceeded to eat breakfast secondary to chatting constantly, brought a toy to the table while we were eating (this is banned), decided to soak in the bath for the 5 mins I thought she was washing herself cos 'I need to relax', went off to play barbies rather than get dressed after her bath, shouted at me for 1. not tying her dress straps when she asked (I was doing my makeup) and 2. something else trivial I can't even remember as I was doing her hair... at this point I'd had enough & told her I'd had enough.

I told her it is unlikely I will attend her class assembly this aft. I know she didn't believe me cos I have never missed anything they do at school & she thinks it's said for effect.

It was a bit but partly cos I'm worried I'll regret not going. I also have split feelings while it could finally register to pay attention, stop ignoring me & taking me for granted... it could also send her the other way confirming (in her mind) no one cares and her life is sh!t.

I obvs do care. I feel I can't go on with life revolving around 1 member of this family. She has no idea how demanding she is (I'm confident in that) and under all the bravado can be quite fragile due to ppl abandoning her. I would never abandon her, but I am actually thinking not going to the assembly might be a good thing, or might be cause more harm than good.

I can't go on as we are. WWYD?

cestlavielife good post. I especially echo "Read "how to talk so kids will listen.. .."
but do not agree with "Let her bring a toy yo the table what harm does it do it might be security for her" She shouldn't really need security at the table, maybe if they go to a cafe or out to a friends, IMHO. A toy is a distraction like a book or a phone. Mealtimes are IMHO for the meeting of minds, conversations, plans, stories, games like 'hi low' and 'I went to the shop and I bought', all much harder to do if one person is busy with a fidget spinner or some such. But the book is fab. www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B00APJOY3A/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1?tag=mumsnetforum-21

You say you want to send her a message. What message do,you,think,she will take from this? That your love and attention are conditional on her following your very strict rules?

Poor little thing, she has already lost her dad's love. Don't scare her into thinking she is losing yours.

I speak from bitter experience. My dad left when I was tiny. My mum ran a very tight ship where everything ran like clockwork and we never said a word out of place and any minor transgression was punished. My siblings both ran away at age 16. I left at 18 never to return and have had years of therapy. She is a lonely, lonely old lady now in her tidy, well run home.

Relax a bit, go easier on yourself and on her, have some fun and hopefully things will improve.

OP, you've had a rough time on this thread. Do people need to be quite so harsh?

I'm glad you are going to go to the assembly as I agree with other posters that would not be the right kind of posters. I agree there's nothing wrong with a few jobs for an 8yo, but maybe make them after school jobs? Mornings are so rushed, the last thing you need is extra stress nagging her to do the jobs.

Your DD does sound like a typical 8yo to me, so hopefully this thread has reassured you in that respect even if some posters have been rather brutal.

OP you don't deserve some of the outright nastiness on here. You're clearly stressed and I agree that I had the same thought that your dd was older, and that your expectations seemed high, but you're not a horrendous person or anything else people have said. I do feel for you. My dd1 doesn't really do many chores but that's more because the path of least resistance is easier and I think it'd be good if she did take a bit of responsibility for co-operating. And I don't think it's too much to ask of a 7/8 year old that they cease with the constant demands for 30 seconds while you get yourself ready - especially if (as it sounds) she was getting shouty and unreasonable. Surely teaching them to hang on for a minute while you're on the loo/cooking tea/dealing with a sibling is necessary and desirable for
equipping them with the right skills to be patient at school even, never mind a resilient adult.

And the whining. OMG I feel your pain there. Especially when you're doing something nice and all they can do is find the negative. I'm trying to tackle this with my dd ( who is a bit younger than yours)- I make her stop and think of "one cheerful thing" when she starts to complain. If she can't think of anything I tell her some of my cheerful things. She eventually comes up with something pretty horrendous imo (eg we are getting the car back from the garage this evening) but I say "yes, good". I am not pretending we are making huge progress yet but I'm working on it.

Mornings can be awful - I totally feel your pain there as well. Trying to get everyone out of the house when they are just dawdling pushes my buttons too. But I think the others are right to say the answer here is lower your standards, start again. Have a chat about where she sees that compromises would be valuable and go to the assembly with a grin and a proud heart. Your dd values you and what you do, or she wouldn't want you there.

Thought she was in late teens when first read the post, don't let her grow up resenting you, cut the poor kid some slack! I didnt see my father from the age of 11, was never expected to do chores but saw my mother as a human being and helped in the end without being asked, maybe she would be more willing to help out and be much happier if you just let her be a child first!

I will go, of course I will. Excellent, so pleased.

Please be aware for the next three days that posters will pop on to tell you you are being unreasonable and you must go. They will not read the update and may not even read the date of your original post. Just to warn you. It's happened with me on something and it is fucking annoying but that is Mumsnet in general (at times) and AIBU (in particular).

"...the way some of you have clutched onto certain things and dissected them is brutal."

AIBU is brutal. Please do not take it to heart. Honestly, it is like this a lot, is this your first time here, brutal is good word, that is what it is like. That is why you must pick out the posts and posters who genuinely want to help and not judge.

I know you have said you will not post again but please do look out for good bits of advice. EG Excellent advice from freemanbatch.

All the best.

I'm glad you're going to her assembly. I'm also happy to read that you're less stressed.
Choose your battles with your dc. They aren't little for long.
Wishing you all the best.

YABU

Y4 boys are the same, at least the ones I have heard moaned about at pick up.

we are ruining their lives and being incredibly mean. oh and they hate us.

they will grow out of it in another ten years or so.

God you got a right pasting on here.

I came on to say my 8 yr old is just the same. I feel they are old enough to have one or two jobs but she doesn't feel the same . DRAma. Everything in her life is shit and nothing is ever her fault, ever.

Glad you're going to assembly OP. But let's not over react. Plenty of kids' parents can't go to assembly and they manage fine.

I'm not going to say anything else but that I'm glad you're going to the assembly.

What seems important now won't be in a few years and I think you'll look back and be relieved you went

I don't think having chores at that age is unreasonable and I don't think the chores you've set out are particularly onerous. I think it's about working out a compromise. Move setting the table to the night before. Make each child responsible for their own book bag. Tell her that she can play Barbies in the morning IF she gets her duties done. Mine were allowed cartoons once they were completely ready to walk out the door IF there was time.

Is your other DD older or younger? What chores does she have in the AM?

Perhaps the OP needs to lighten up a little BUT I am a little "huh?" at some of the posters here. It's not unreasonable to expect an 8yo to help out in the morning, especially if her parent is a lone parent and there are lots of things to do and not many hands to help out.

Can't believe there are people here saying that parents should be picking children's dirty clothes up off the floor! Christ almighty. If a wife was doing that for her husband on a routine basis, we'd be quick to say "Stop being a martyr."

And the rule about no toys at the table probably comes from the fact that some kids will just mess about non-stop if they are allowed to do this.

As others have said, consider getting stuff ready and laid out the night before (with your child's help) so that the morning is less stressful for you both. But please don't feel bad about the fact that your daughter is expected to help the rest of the family out; it is a reasonable thing to expect.

As for the assembly: go if you want to. You don't have to. My mother never went to any of mineit was not a thing back then. Plenty of parents can't do this even if they want totheir kids survive, trust me.

A good trick for getting them to set the table is for a few days only set your place. They then have to fetch things as they need them. Oh you need a fork! Well fetch one then!
They get used to fetching them and suddenly they start doing it to be ready for tea....

MaryTheCanary "As for the assembly: go if you want to. You don't have to. My mother never went to any of mineit was not a thing back then. Plenty of parents can't do this even if they want totheir kids survive, trust me."

It is not the going or not going that is the issue, it is the uncertainty for the child and also the use of going or not going as some sort of bargaining chip.

I honestly thought I was reading about a 14year old girl.

I'm also unsure if your being unreasonable or I don't give my y3 enough to do!

Agree completely with italiangreyhound , it actually probably doesn't matter whether OP turned up or not , if she has a sensitive child to whom it matters if her parent appears the damage will already have been done because she's had a shit day probably wondering about it .

Poor child is doing jobs that should be your responsibility. It doesn't sound like she has much fun in her life just you nagging her.

Excellent post, TinselTwins.

My reading of your OP is that this isn't about chores or assembly but is about something more core to your parenting and your daughter.

Please listen to what your DD is telling you - she is miserable and wishes she hadn't been born. That is the issue, you need to get to the bottom of that and give her a base which values, secures and promotes her self esteem otherwise I would worry that her development into adulthood will be impaired.

You know, MN makes a big thing about children doing chores. I did pretty much nothing as a child, my mum did most things. Did it make me into a work-shy entitled adult? No it didn't.

OP, there's nothing wrong in giving your child a few chores. But relax about them. It's not the end of the world if they don't do them. If they do a bit to help round the house that's good enough for me. They have their adult lives to do chores.

Glad you are going/went to the assembly. Hope things improve soon.

@dancer I had to do loads of chores as a child but you know what I don't and haven't asked mine to do any. They have all mucked in when needed and I've often got home to find somebody has done the ironing or cleaned the bathroom without being asked. Funnily enough they are mostly adults now and manage perfectly well to run their own homes without me having given them chores as a child.

I would not allow her to have a bath in the morning, there is not enough time .

Fleshmarketclose I too was given loads of chores to do as a child, which were never done good enough for my mother so I ended up thinking twice before I did anything.

I give my children no chores, they get money put in their accounts each month. I too will come back to find all the laundry done or the house hoovered. They will also go out and do shopping using the money from their own account.
C
hores in my mind at that age really just put you off helping later