Will I regret missing this?

[Channellingmyinnerfeline]

DD is pushing me to my limits of tolerance. Everything I do is taken for granted, often criticised or complains I don't do xyz rather than grateful for what I do do. She needs asking / reminding every day to do her simple house jobs although she'll admit at any other time she has an excellent memory. She'll do the bare minimum at everything responsible (helping at home, school work etc) but indulges herself at every opportunity to play & watch TV & soak in the bath while the rest of us dip in / out quickly as we've things to do. When I pull her up on anything, she sees it that 1. I'm being unfair on her; 2. her life isn't as fun as it should be; 3. nothing goes her way & she wishes she wasn't born. DD is yr3.

She has had a lot of crap in her life (father walked out when she was toddling & has paid no interest in her since, I have no family support so physically have no spare time to spend with just her due to other DD around, our house has major issues so friends over is a no go at the mo). I feel guilty like yes this isn't the life I wanted for her & it breaks my heart to see her growing in this situation, but given all I have on my plate I feel I am doing OK & raising them on a much better path than many with the things she's missing. However ultimately I feel guilty & perhaps over compensate for her negativity by tolerating too much & revolving around her too much to try to avoid it happening. This is becoming draining (emotionally & physically) and unfair on my other DD who I worry may feel 'less important' if things don't equally revolve around her, which would be impossible & where would I fit in with my feelings..?

Anyway this morning after another morning of nagging her to get up, doing her jobs for her (laying table, laying out school bags, topping up cats bowl, letting cat out) as she was down late again, she proceeded to eat breakfast secondary to chatting constantly, brought a toy to the table while we were eating (this is banned), decided to soak in the bath for the 5 mins I thought she was washing herself cos 'I need to relax', went off to play barbies rather than get dressed after her bath, shouted at me for 1. not tying her dress straps when she asked (I was doing my makeup) and 2. something else trivial I can't even remember as I was doing her hair... at this point I'd had enough & told her I'd had enough.

I told her it is unlikely I will attend her class assembly this aft. I know she didn't believe me cos I have never missed anything they do at school & she thinks it's said for effect.

It was a bit but partly cos I'm worried I'll regret not going. I also have split feelings while it could finally register to pay attention, stop ignoring me & taking me for granted... it could also send her the other way confirming (in her mind) no one cares and her life is sh!t.

I obvs do care. I feel I can't go on with life revolving around 1 member of this family. She has no idea how demanding she is (I'm confident in that) and under all the bravado can be quite fragile due to ppl abandoning her. I would never abandon her, but I am actually thinking not going to the assembly might be a good thing, or might be cause more harm than good.

I can't go on as we are. WWYD?

You sound very inflexible. I agree with what others have said, feel sorry for your daughter etc. When you mentioned your family and Xmas the bit that struck me was 'I need some structure to the day'. It's all about you. Do people find you difficult? Are you digging your heels in about everything g because you feel you're not coping? You do need to step back and reassess the sutuation, starting with the day to day experience of your daughter.

OP. You could try posting in Lone Parents, if you want some help and advice from others in a similar situation. Find out what works for them regarding routines and finding time to yourself.

Then why are you trying to get her to do them like some Victorian factory foreman? Rather than planning ways to upset and punish her for not meeting your standards, have you tried any incentives? Positive reinforcements?

You know what my 2 DD's jobs are in the morning?

Getting dressed and eating their breakfast, that's it, because they're children!

If she is in year three you may have 3 years of stuff like this at best.

Enjoy it while you have it, because its soon gone.

"....jobs of laying the table (3 placemats thrown down & 2 empty cups) laying out the school bags (carrying thru 2 book bags I have fully packed the prev eve to lay them nxt to the front door) putting 3 scoops of dry cat food out of a tub next to the cats bowl into the cats bowl & opening the back door to let out the cat with a cat treat.."

STOP WITH THE RULES OP. These things will get done without rules. It's called leading by example, cooperation, flexibility....

Jeez, if she has all these rules before breakfast I hate to think what other rules you're trying to impose on her for the rest of the day.

OMG what a hard time OP has got here. Some downright nasty posts.

I do suggest that you have too many tasks for your dd to carry out, all seemingly before the day has really begun. I would simplify this by bathing at night,quick wash in the morning. You get up slightly earlier than DC and lay out breakfast and feed the cat then get them going.

No tv until everyone is fed, washed and dressed. School clothes and bags done the night before ( she could still have this job to do). Dirty clothes in the wash bin, dirty plates to the sink/ worktop.

Definitely go to the assembly. Try to ignore whinging and praise all good behaviours. Try really hard to spend just a few minutes each day with each individual child, perhaps reading or whilst preparing dinner. Chores don't have to be a chore, it can be a chance to do something together and chat.

She really is quite young and I totally get the rudeness and answering back is horrid but it is quite normal. As far as possible just ignore and try to steer things in a more positive direction.

You are not a horrid mum. Your mistake was to post in AIBU instead of a parenting section. Enjoy the assembly and try to praise. A quiet word about trying to be nicer to each other may also help but at her age you have to take the lead and always be the bigger person. Not easy with no support.

Ffs her jobs of laying the table (3 placemats thrown down & 2 empty cups) laying out the school bags (carrying thru 2 book bags I have fully packed the prev eve to lay them nxt to the front door) putting 3 scoops of dry cat food out of a tub next to the cats bowl into the cats bowl & opening the back door to let out the cat with a cat treat.... seriously she is not being asked to work in the Cotton Mills.

Jobs that can take you seconds but for an 8 year old it can be a long time! Especially with a nagging parent. Don't you remember how time felt very slow as a child? Let them be kids and let them look forward to their day. As I suggested before, get them to assist you with something like folding clothes. At the weekend.

Listen. What you are doing IS NOT WORKING. Take on board some suggestions and change your tactic, change what you do or they won't change!!! How can you not understand this.

Sorry OP , but you need to give yourself a bit of a shake , like everybody else I had to reread the OP to check on the age of this child because the way you come across it's as if she's a teenager . She is a very small child , if the mornings are an issue ban baths and put the bags by the door the night before when they're packed . How old is the other child and what does she have to do ? Go to the assembly and pick your battles a bit better , you may be tired but it's not this child's fault that you are a single parent with no support .

You sound so so stressed. It sounds to me like all of you need a break. Is your house in a real state? Living amongst things half built and in the wrong place is stressful, definitely.

Are you as harsh on yourself as you are on DD1?

TBH my advice would be to go to the assembly, and when you get home sit and have a hug with your children. Some love (not saying you don't love her, I mean demonstrative love) would help both of you I think. You don't want to be nagging her, she doesn't want to be nagged. Press reset and get back into a more normal groove again.

Do consider some changes as I've suggested, and others because don't forget you've posted asking for help.

Sometimes the hardest thing is seeing that we need to change ourselves to make an overall better environment. Your dd is not a monster, she will be so much easier if there are less rules and fights and more praise and chats.

Why aren't you laying the table the night before, putting the book bags by the door or getting the cat food ready the night before. You seem to want to make work for yourself.

Dd is 17 and wouldn't remember that list of stuff to do every day.

And it isn't just that is it. You are expecting her to do her dress straps. At that age dd needed help. Ds has strange shaped feet and it was only last year that he managed putting his socks on by himself. He was 14.

What do you mean by life revolving around 1 member of the family. Do you mean all you have time for is to pick holes in everything your dd does and says.

OP you sound stressed and should consider counselling. Your poor dd. Please don't miss her assembly.

I think it is good to give some responsibilities to an 8 yo, but first thing in the morning during the rush to get out the house is NOT THE TIME.

Could you give her a small responsibility to carry out in the evening that would be much less fraught for all concerned?

I feel that you have to go through with the threat now I'm afraid.

I think people are being v unkind to the OP. DD2 is 8, she's expected to contribute to the running of the house (emptying the dishwasher on occasion, cleading her dirty plates, first clothes in the washing basket etc.). It's bloody annoying in the morning when they get distracted with toys etc instead of getting ready for school, If the OP needs to get ready for work and part of that is putting makeup on that's fine, her DD needs to understand that everyone has to get ready and help each other.

I agree with PPs about it being ok to have friends over to a less than perfect house. Unless it's really dangerous, both my kids are utterly obvlivious to mess/animal smell/lack of decent decor in other peoples houses.

DD has a lovely life and still complains that she's bored, her life is awful, she wishes she'd never been born etc. I think it's just something some 8 year olds say sometimes?

If it was me I don't think I'd go to the assembly, but given her past and the fact that you feel like you might regret not going then I'd go and stay at the back. Agree with PPs that if you're knackered, step back from the extra volunteering (or at least some of it) and give yourself a break. She's old enough to have a proper chat with about what you need too, but you need to try and pull things back from the brink.

Do you have any friends you could have over for a glass of wine one evening without needing a babysitter? Or do something for yourself in the day (instead of the volunteering with school? Cinema/lunch with a friend/bath and a good book?? X

I agree it seems like you are leaning on DD and using her as a crutch.

You my not feel like going to the assembly but you will feel worse when your daughter is upset with you. I cant imagine ever feeling so upset with my DD that I would want her to go through that horrible feeling of looking for me then realising I am not there.

FWIW, my 2 DDs (who are a bit older) do lay the table for breakfast for weekdays, but they do it the night before, and while I'm filling up the dishwasher/making tea, and we chat while we're doing it. It doesn't take very long. However, if they have lots of homework or are tired or something comes up, I say fine - I'll manage.

No relationships work well if one person has a martyr complex and the other(s) feel like they are either just living up to expectations, or failing.

I don't think you're a horrid person so I won't jump on that bandwagon but you seem to be quite resentful and have really unrealistic expectations of your young child.
None of those things in your OP are particularly shocking or outrageous in terms of behaviour. She's just being a normal, slightly self absorbed young girl because young kids can be that way. They're still learning to think outside of themselves and what they want/need at that moment.
You'll make it easier for yourself if you let the small stuff go. So she soaks longer in the bath? She'll have to rush to get dressed and take a breakfast on the school run or start having her bath at night time instead. Her choice.
Pick your battles and chill out. If you keep going on about every single thing she'll stop listening. It sounds like she already is.

My youngest dd is 14, it would be absolutely pointless to battle over jobs before breakfast. Her only job is getting dressed and eating breakfast because she needs to get to school in the right frame of mind to be able to learn.Can you imagine how your dd feels going to school when there has been bad feeling between you before breakfast? Can you imagine how that might impinge on her ability to concentrate and enjoy school? Can you imagine going to school after a telling off or a row and then spending six and a half hours wondering what sort of reception she is going to get at home time?
OP I get that you are stressed and miserable,it pours out of every self pitying sentence you write but you seem to be inflicting your stress and misery on your child and that isn't right. You need to get help for you and your children to stop the damage that was obviously done to you being done to them.

You sound awful - poor child

Check out Hand in Hand Patenting, it's a to totally different approach. Really get when you have one tricky kid in a family, and worry about the other s needs, and your own sanity.
No bargaining, no time out, just really really different family dynamics. I was in danger of walking out on my family till I discovered it, even though the thought made me fill with Shame and self reproach.

Please go this afternoon.

Your other DD perhaps doesn't seem as 'difficult ' as her, whatever you do don't start viewing your 8yo as 'the challenging, naughty one'.

I don't think anybody is saying that an 8 yo shouldn't have chores but you have to make it convenient like in the afternoons , evenings ,weekends when you've got more time , mornings are not the best and most organised times in lots of homes.