Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's boyfriend ruined her birthday..

304 replies

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 08:55

It was DD's 21st birthday and her boyfriend of 5 years came out with us for a nice meal. They seem to get on fine, but she has been abroad this semester studying so I think that has strained their relationship. Anyway, the meal was great, we get back to our house to open her gifts from him and his family. His family bought her a voucher, which was kind of them. But, he got her a card with the wrong age (18th, not 21st), he said he was rushing when he bought it, and some flowers and wine from Asda, bought just before our meal out. He also wrote on her card 'to whom it may concern' instead of her name. DD is so upset about this, she feels like he was really thoughtless in doing this to her. Her boyfriend always comes to our house, we cook for him, take them places etc. Me and DH also think his behaviour is unacceptable, and strange to do on her 21st birthday. What should we do? She has been really upset and hurt because of this and hasn't spoken to him since he did this to her.

OP posts:
LucilleBluth · 05/07/2017 12:52

For gods sake, he's a young kid, not abusive.

IMO, parents are way too invested.

She didn't kiss him at airport.

She won't go over to his house.

She won't take his calls.

He needs to get rid of op's daughter.....if you want to look at it like that.

Allthebestnamesareused · 05/07/2017 12:53

Good grief - he is just a young lad feeling rejected by his GF.

And she is just a young lady who would probably get over it more if her mother and father weren't playing into the "he wronged you so terribly" storyline.

Leave your adult daughter to sort out her issues with her own BF.

MatildaTheCat · 05/07/2017 12:54

They've grown apart as most relationships so in this situation. Neither is quite ready to finish it but they both know.

Keep out and just be there to mop up tears and suggest some activities for the summer. Does she really have no friends at home? Maybe a job for a few weeks then go and visit a uni friend or somesuch?

contrary13 · 05/07/2017 12:54

I agree with previous posters - he's punishing her for the fact that she went abroad to study. He lost some control over her/their relationship the moment she left. He's probably feeling insecure... and if he behaves nastily when he does? Then that's who he is.

Please tell your daughter this old adage:- "When someone tells you who they are... listen to them!"

In my own, personal experience (abusive relationships), they hide their true selves well until something happens that causes their usual mask to slide. When it does, they tend not to put the mask back on with regards their relationship(s) and it escalates to a point where... well; as a parent, you don't want your daughter/son experiencing it. At all.

My daughter's "boyfriend" (she's desperately in love with him, he simply booty calls her when no one else is willing) has done similar to her this year for her 21st, although in her case it involves a loss of plans for a romantic dinner in a top London restaurant and a holiday with another girl... As much as I'd like to actually kick him into touch myself (possibly with the assistance of her very protective godparents), I can't. Only my daughter can do that. All I can do for her - and all that you can do for your daughter... is be there. Pick up the pieces when they're upset, constantly and consistently tell them that they're worth more/better than this. Because they are.

But your daughter and mine are adults, OP. We can't dump their boyfriends on their behalf, no matter how much we'd love to. Only our daughters can do that... and let's hope, for their self-esteem/sanity (not to mention ours) that they do so, soon!

Flowers
Hissy · 05/07/2017 12:55

He's 20.

that is not a young kid.

When I was 20 I was living alone in South America. Had my 21st there and yes I remember every detail over 20-odd years later. Even people who didn't need to make any kind of fuss for me did so, and I was blown away!

I've seen nasty little men use perceived wrongs or slights to ruin a day for me, or to glower, sulking instead of seeing their own kid open his birthday presents for the first time.

This is exactly where that kind of behaviour starts. He can be hurt, sure, but what he did was way out of order.

Chocolatecake12 · 05/07/2017 12:57

From his point of view - could she have changed while she was away? Sounds as though he missed her and her behaviour hasn't been what he expected on her return. Why didn't she hug him at the airport? All day travelling and tired isn't a reason not to hug the one you are supposed to hug.
It sounds like they need to talk and her not answering him will be very annoying, confusing and frustrating for him. Even is she just replies and asks for a bit of space.
Ignoring him isn't nice.

Hissy · 05/07/2017 12:58

We need to be teaching out kids to expect better treatment, not brushing it under the carpet or schooling our girls to accept crap like this and be 'nice'

If he was hurt, he could have asked her what was up

Scoobydoobydont · 05/07/2017 13:00

People talking about abuse and how mean he has been need to give their heads a wobble. Nutters

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 13:01

how has this escalated into him now having the mindset of an abuser?

If thats the view then she also has abusive traits to be fair.

But the reality is hes more than likely not going to be abusive at all, she wont either, they are both just handling what appears to be the natural end of their relationship pretty badly.

Butterymuffin · 05/07/2017 13:01

Stay out of the details of who's doing what hurtful thing to whom, but I'd tell her that she's 21, the world is her oyster and she doesn't have to stay in a relationship that's dot working for her. No drama needed, no sense that it's a big tragedy to be puzzled over - she's young and there will be ether important people in her life. They've probably outgrown one another and both need to move on.

MrsHathaway · 05/07/2017 13:01

When I was 21 my boyfriend went overseas for a month or so. I realised a few days in that I didn't miss him at all. We had grown apart and I hadn't noticed until he wasn't physically there. It took the distance between us and relief from the intensity of the relationship when we were seeing each other almost daily for me to recognise that it wasn't actually working. Thinking back, he'd made my 21st birthday treat all about him too so I have no good memories of it Hmm

I broke up with him as soon as he got back which was awkward in the extreme but never mind. Met now-DH about three weeks later, and the rest is history.

Life is too bloody short to spend it with the wrong person. A person who can't even get the very basics of a significant birthday right is not a person who puts you ahead of himself. Birthdays aren't important to everyone but they're very obviously important enough to OP's daughter to have a big meal out with family, which warrants a card with the right number on at the very least.

She can take this as a very empowering moment if she chooses to. It can be about HER and HER FEELINGS and HER HAPPINESS and she can take that into her proper adult future. That might involve kicking him to the kerb but that's fine if that's what she needs to do.

sadsquid · 05/07/2017 13:11

I don't remember my 21st. Literally sitting here trying to figure out which boyfriend I was with at that point or if I was single. It's not going to blight the rest of her life, seriously.

20 is an adult but a very young adult and people get things wrong. Much older adults make much bigger missteps in their relationships! The card sounds like a joke gone wrong, possibly with a bit of a sting behind it, but for crying out loud, as a one-off incident it's not abuse. Whether she wants to be with someone who finds that funny is a question for her to answer, of course. I would imagine they've both changed a lot since the relationship started and it's maybe time to spread her wings and meet someone more suited to who she is now. Regardless, it's possible for a young man to behave thoughtlessly without being evil flipping incarnate.

CosmoClock · 05/07/2017 13:15

Yes, only those who have no experience of the abusive mindset will mock. It's not so cut and dry as to label him an abuser - or not, but to ignore the clue that this passive aggressive form of communication gives to the health of a his self-esteem and to ignore their indirect communication, well, ignore it at your peril. I had two dc with a man who was charming when he was in control but ruined every happy event. I recognise this mindset. It does exist and owners of this mindset can be extremely normal and charming when they are in control and feeling secure.

lionsleepstonight · 05/07/2017 13:16

She needs to end it - what a twat - if he be like this on her 21st then imagine what he will be like in years to come.

He has done your daughter a great favor - he has shown his true personality when things don't go his way.

She needs to understand that to continue to go out with him, is to accept that type of behavior.

She needs to get rid.

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 13:17

I certainly hope how we act when very young in our first proper relationship isnt indicative of how we are when we get older. If so then when should I expect my violent, abusive, illegal, cheating ways to begin? (I threw a shoe at my then bfs head, slept with his best mate and flashed his dad when drunk, those are the situations I can even remember!)

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 13:18

and no mocking here - I have been in a physically abusive relationship and was in it for 5 years. I just dont think we can write off this 20 year old as a future abuser based on this.

UnconventionalWarfare · 05/07/2017 13:19

Oh dear so much shit flinging, given the fact your daughter has come across as pretty emotionless in the time since she returned and you seem to interject yourself into every aspect of her life "to whom it may concern" seems a great heading for the card since you are all so invested in her relationship...back off let them deal with it and if she doesn't want to be with him leave don't fuck with the lads emotions.

HazelBite · 05/07/2017 13:21

Like many PP's have said it sounds like this relationship has probably come to a natural end but as it has been a five year one and as they are both still very young they don't know how to end it with dignity while still feeling understandably fond of each other.
I have four sons and they have all gone through the "young" relationship that they have eventually grown out of, they do survive and go on to other relationships.

In your DD's case that is a particularly long relationship, don't get involved just be there with hugs chocolate and tissues.

BarbarianMum · 05/07/2017 13:26

Interestingly it is the OPs dd that reminds me of my least pleasant boyfriend. Casually dismissive of me when he wasn't in the mood but full on drama if I wasnt fawning and attentive when he required it. He was exactly the sort to virtually ignore me for a couple of weeks then sulk if his birthday wasn't as special as he thought it should be. Tosser.

CosmoClock · 05/07/2017 13:26

ps and whether or not he turns out to use this style of communication or not the important thing is to learn to walk away from it, not stick around for more.

TheSeaTheSkyTheSeaTheSkyyyyyy · 05/07/2017 13:29

Send your DD a card...

Dear DD,

LTB

Love,
Mum and Dad x

lemonzest123 · 05/07/2017 13:30

To Whom it May Concern would make me laugh like crazy (I once got my Mum a Mother's Day card that had on it "You're like a mother to me") but I guess you should be able to gauge your DPs sense of humour to pull it off.

Wrong age card is just weird!

notanurse2017 · 05/07/2017 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lanouvelleheloise · 05/07/2017 13:34

This is really, really passive-aggressive behaviour. "To whom it may concern" - no-one writes that accidentally. I'd be supporting her in ending things, I really would.

scootinFun · 05/07/2017 13:37

You need to pull back and let her manage her life. She needs to grow up, talk to him and dial back there drama and he needs to stop being a thoughtless/passive aggressive dick.