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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's boyfriend ruined her birthday..

304 replies

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 08:55

It was DD's 21st birthday and her boyfriend of 5 years came out with us for a nice meal. They seem to get on fine, but she has been abroad this semester studying so I think that has strained their relationship. Anyway, the meal was great, we get back to our house to open her gifts from him and his family. His family bought her a voucher, which was kind of them. But, he got her a card with the wrong age (18th, not 21st), he said he was rushing when he bought it, and some flowers and wine from Asda, bought just before our meal out. He also wrote on her card 'to whom it may concern' instead of her name. DD is so upset about this, she feels like he was really thoughtless in doing this to her. Her boyfriend always comes to our house, we cook for him, take them places etc. Me and DH also think his behaviour is unacceptable, and strange to do on her 21st birthday. What should we do? She has been really upset and hurt because of this and hasn't spoken to him since he did this to her.

OP posts:
WinstonChurchill · 05/07/2017 09:06

@Wildthoughts "he is actually ok"....made me chuckle.

Look, yep I agree, bloody stupid thing to do but in a nutshell it isn't your decision either way. I would take a step back and support your daughter in whatever decision she makes. I'm sure she's a lovely bright girl who will eventually make the right decision anyway, but it's not your place to push. Best of luck xxx

Bonez · 05/07/2017 09:07

The 'to whom it may concern' part was probably a joke. The other things are just a bit thoughtless considering it's her 21st.

EllaHen · 05/07/2017 09:08

He's had less control over her since she's been abroad. This is him punishing her. Let's hope it backfires.

You are right to be worried.

KC225 · 05/07/2017 09:08

It was deliberate. Giving him the benefit of the doubt it sounds like he intended it to be a joke but to do that in front of all those people was inappropriate and as.orhers have said immature.

You say she had gone abroad for her course. Is he also studying? Is he punishing her for going away?

AnyFucker · 05/07/2017 09:09

Ah

This is all a bit close" isn't it ?

Why does he work with your H ? Does that make it more awkward for your dd to get shut of him ? Not a great idea, tbh

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:09

But he was happy to come out with us for meals, round our house for dinner, he came to see her when she was abroad too! Then since she returned (just 2 weeks ago), he's been on at her about not staying over at his house, and the fact she 'didn't hug him when she seen him at the airport' (she was exhausted and travelling all day). He seems controlling, to me..

OP posts:
jacks11 · 05/07/2017 09:09

I don't think you should "do" anything, as it is not your place to do anything (other than provide support, if it is needed). Your daughter is 21 years old- she should be capable of deciding how to conduct her own relationship. Give your opinion if asked, but otherwise, what else can you do?

I understand it is unpleasant to see your daughter upset, but you really need to let her deal with it. I agree his behaviour wasn't what I would expect in a partner, and from your daughter's reaction it is clear she doesn't either. What she does about it is entirely up to her and very little to do with you. I think if you take action yourself (e.g. talking to him), you are infantilising your adult daughter. Leave her to manage her own relationship and be there to support her, if needed.

Orangetoffee · 05/07/2017 09:10

How nasty of him. If it was a joke gone wrong, the least he could have done was apologise straight away. He could see she was upset and it's not like he is a new boyfriend who misread the situation.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:10

I just feel bad for her because he is her best friend too, they spend a lot of time together, she doesn't have loads of friends at home but at uni she has somebody great ones but she won't see them until September unfortunately

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 05/07/2017 09:11

He's humiliated her at a time she can't react (to keep the peace) and to knock her down a peg or two.

He'll try to minimise it as s joke, it's what abusive people do. He's young to be so blantant about it.

Support her to end it for good. You might find that it hasn't been the only incident. Direct her away from second guessing his motives etc and make it about her, her wants/needs and what she deserves.

scottishdiem · 05/07/2017 09:11

"To Whom It May Concern?"

That sounds like there has been a breakdown in communications somewhere or that he is feeling that they are growing a part and was a very bad joke made by him. After 5 years I suppose if he is coming second to family he will be doing stupid arse things like this to attract attention.

That said, why a cheap bottle of wine, crap flowers and the wrong card for a 21st should gather any attention at all is beyond me. He doesnt sound like he is worth worrying about even if he did have a point about the prolonged separation.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:12

Oh and he also doesn't have much of a home life (mum is distant, he lives with his dad), could this be a factor?

OP posts:
StayAChild · 05/07/2017 09:13

I really get your concern for your DD. Had similar concerns myself. We just want their BF/partner to treasure our DDs the way that we do and that includes making their birthday a special day, especially a 21st. I've come to the conclusion that it's too much to expect.

I hope the studying abroad has opened her eyes a bit as he sounds like a right prize. Nothing you can do though and interfering could push her in the wrong direction. Just be there for her. Flowers

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:13

He's been trying to call and message her but she has just ignored it.

OP posts:
AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 05/07/2017 09:13

He's humiliated her at a time she can't react (to keep the peace) and to knock her down a peg or two.

^ This. She should really get rid of the tosser, although obviously it's not your place to say that to her.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 05/07/2017 09:14

He also wrote on her card 'to whom it may concern

That's so weird. Weirder than the age mix-up, which could conceivably happen if you're blind.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:15

He's just been so weird since she's returned from studying abroad. He must like her though as he paid £500 to visit her there! Just doesn't make ANY SENSE

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 05/07/2017 09:17

I'd expect a hug at the airport too!

That's not being controlling imo

Scoobydoobydont · 05/07/2017 09:17

Your husband showed him out when he came back around? She is 21 and they have been together five years and mum
and dad still get involved in stuff like this. Unbelievable.

Anyway, sounds like a joke and the sort of thing I would do tbh, but I do have a strange sense of humour. I also HATE the pressure pit on me to buy the right thing on birthdays, anniversaries, valentines, Mother's Day etc so I either get something small and jokey or don't bother at all.

My wife knows all of the above and is well used to and OK with it. She gets random gifts and treats the rest of the year.

It was her 36th recently and she got a card for a 3 year old with a six added to the badge in tippex

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 09:18

Sounds to me like its run its course, but IMO its a bit odd for her not to hug him at the airport (I cant imagine being too tired to not hug someone I cared about if I hadnt seen them for a while) so I can see why he'd be a bit off about that so maybe this coolness now is his stupid dickish way of getting back at her for something that could have just been talked about. No need to carry it on if that is the reason. Is the controlling thing new?

I wouldnt worry too much about him and the DH working together, if they do split work just needs to be kept separate.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:18

My husband wasn't rude to him, he just answered the door to him and said she had gone to bed.

OP posts:
HeyRoly · 05/07/2017 09:19

I hope she realises that she needs to dump him pronto. "To Whom It May Concern"? What a tosser.

If I were you I'd have a chat with her about him being so controlling and malicious and the sunken costs fallacy. She may feel like she needs to work it out with him otherwise it means the last five years were "wasted". That's not true, obviously.

MimiSunshine · 05/07/2017 09:19

I'm guessing he feels she's grown away from him and to be honest it sounds like she has. Who doesn't hug their boyfriend at the airport because they're tired from the journey?

So because of that he's pushing her away and being immature / nasty in the hope she moves back towards him but also to 'show her' that he doesn't care.

It sounds to me like she wants out (which he has picked up on) so If I were you I'd be gently talking to her about how it's okay to end the relationship and just because they've been together a long time doesn't mean they have to stay together or that him working with your husband shouldn't affect her decision.

Maybe encourage her to visit her uni mates over the summer or see if she'd like to go back early if she can

pictish · 05/07/2017 09:19

Sounds like this relationship is coming to a natural close.
He does sound demanding and thoughtless. Maybe it's time for your dd to branch out and start exploring other avenues of interest...friends, travel, study etc. Perhaps he senses her independence and is trying to claw back the natural order of him being the focus and having control.
Now would be a good time for her to extricate herself.

Thinkingblonde · 05/07/2017 09:19

DH once bought me a To my wife on our anniversary card instead of a birthday card, he said he didn't like any of the verses in the b/d cards, they were shi! The one in the card he chose summed up his feelings for me. 20 years on I still have that card.

This is different though, the card, gifts and attitude from the boy friend are a passive aggressive message , it sounds to me that he's 'punishing' her for going abroad and for not staying at his house last week. How very dare she do something that shows she is independent of him!
Hopefully she takes this opportunity to see him from new eyes.

This isn't your problem to solve op, as much as you'd like to. All you can do is support and encourage your dd work through this.