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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD's boyfriend ruined her birthday..

304 replies

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 08:55

It was DD's 21st birthday and her boyfriend of 5 years came out with us for a nice meal. They seem to get on fine, but she has been abroad this semester studying so I think that has strained their relationship. Anyway, the meal was great, we get back to our house to open her gifts from him and his family. His family bought her a voucher, which was kind of them. But, he got her a card with the wrong age (18th, not 21st), he said he was rushing when he bought it, and some flowers and wine from Asda, bought just before our meal out. He also wrote on her card 'to whom it may concern' instead of her name. DD is so upset about this, she feels like he was really thoughtless in doing this to her. Her boyfriend always comes to our house, we cook for him, take them places etc. Me and DH also think his behaviour is unacceptable, and strange to do on her 21st birthday. What should we do? She has been really upset and hurt because of this and hasn't spoken to him since he did this to her.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 05/07/2017 13:39

It's not funny or 'a joke'. Your husband should tell him he doesn't need him for work any more and you both should step back but support your daughter who will get rid of him, if she has any sense.

MargaretCavendish · 05/07/2017 13:46

kitty Are you serious? This 20 year old should be sacked because his relationship with the boss's daughter has gone south?

kittybiscuits · 05/07/2017 13:49

He shouldn't sack him because of his shit behaviour. He should, in general, not employ his daughter's boyfriends and especially not if they treat his daughter like crap.

UnconventionalWarfare · 05/07/2017 13:51

Thats the spirit kitty! Why settle at just a break up totally fuck his life up.

kittybiscuits · 05/07/2017 13:52

Maybe don't get quite so dramatic?

MargaretCavendish · 05/07/2017 13:52

Well, that might be wise advice for the future. But in practical terms what you're suggesting would definitely mean that he would be sacked 'for his shit behaviour' (outside of work), which I think is pretty unacceptable.

Quimby · 05/07/2017 13:53

Sacking him cause the daughters gone off him.
But he's the controlling one who's acting like a dick ?
Pmsl

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 14:01

Would be totally unfair to sack him and a little hypocritical no? Parents stay out of her life and step back, but sack the ex just because its her ex? Confused

Totally unprofessional if the DH sacks him at this stage.

Hissy · 05/07/2017 14:09

Yup, and the boyfriend would most likely be able to sue for wrongful dismissal

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 14:13

Well, no, if he has under 103 weeks service dismissal can be for any reason as long as its not connected to discrimination or for the employee exercising a stat right..

If over 103 weeks service it could be dismissal for SOSR (some other significant reason) which is perfectly fine, but this is usually as a last resort after trying various other measures, such as being a grown up/not sacking your DDs ex just because hes an ex.

Loopytiles · 05/07/2017 14:15

Really bad plan to employ DD's bf.

As long as it's been under 2 years I would find an excuse why DH no longer needs him at work.

And would hope DD dumps him.

Loopytiles · 05/07/2017 14:17

Also agree that you sound overinvolved. Taking him out for meals etc is kind, but just normal stuff, and him accepting the hospitality doesn't mean he feels a particular way.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/07/2017 14:25

The 'to whom etc' would have been something DS2 would have done (at 20) as he would have thought it was cute and funny. As far as the last minute gifts and wrong age card, well the lad's only 20 and perhaps doesn't quite 'get' what gestures mean in a relationship. It's certainly not a sign that he's abusive. Ramp it down, people!

Yes, yes, I know that many of you were running Fortune 500 companies or had bought your first house 'at 20' but many people are still immature and a bit thoughtless at that age. Chances are your DD has matured as a result of spending time away studying and quite possibly has outgrown this young man.

Firing him would be wrong. He hasn't done anything 'abusive', just stupid. As long as his work performance is acceptable there's no need to be so punitive. I think I'd just have a long talk with DD about growing apart from someone and that our first relationships are rarely the ones we end up with in the long run, even if those first relationships have lasted five years. And that it's time for her to end this one and start forming new relationships (friendships as well as romantic ones) in her new 'bigger' world.

confuugled1 · 05/07/2017 14:25

Think I'd send him an email along the lines of 'To whom it may concern. I'm now single. Thank you for a great few years then screwing up my 21st birthday. Regards.'

dArtagnansCrumpet · 05/07/2017 14:32

I think the DD and OP both seem like drama llamas. Your DD seems very immature for 21.

jacks11 · 05/07/2017 14:33

I'm just trying to work out why he thinks that is acceptable to do

Good lord woman, take a step back and let your ADULT daughter deal with her relationship. You do not need to understand or know (if your daughter finds out) unless she wishes to tell you. It is not any of your business. It sounds like he is either an idiot, or perhaps is lashing out because he feels hurt (even nice people can do horrid things when they are hurt and upset- not an excuse, but it can be a reason).

It's true that what he did was very unkind and in utterly poor taste- he would deserve it if your daughter tore a strip off him. It would not be unreasonable if she were to end the relationship and it sounds like there are greater issues in it than this- but really what he did is not the end of the world, nor (in and of itself) is it necessarily abusive. It certainly doesn't have to be a huge drama for the whole family. Although it does seem as though you are intent in turning it into one.

You are far too involved in your daughter's relationship. She is 21 years old- by any definition an adult. You can be there to give advice if asked, but really unless you are seriously worried about abuse of some sort, that is as far as it should go. Stop infantalising your daughter.

As for the phoning, it would be better to just pick up the phone and talk to him so she can say whatever she has to say- be it to ask him to give her space, to meet up in person to discuss things or to end their relationship. Simply ignoring it is daft.

CrispPacket · 05/07/2017 14:37

Just a totally different spin on things...My exP went away for 6months and I flew over to see him half way through. When I arrived it was the weirdest feeling ever like we'd just suddenly become strangers. Before he left we were 'that' couple who were grossly head over heels love you to the moon and back in love and had even tried on engagement rings. When I arrived at the airport we didnt even kiss and we ended up breaking up a couple of months later :( Even know I look back and have no idea why that happened but it did. Could something similar of happened with your DD/BF and neither of them quite know how to end it?

Jenna43 · 05/07/2017 14:38

People calling this young man an abuser are ridiculous...on what basis is he an abuser? Because a birthday card joke backfired on him?

I feel really sorry for him. His girlfriend refused to give him a hug at the airport after being apart for a few months and now after the birthday card fiasco he's being shut out/ignored by an entire family. He even tried to fix it by getting another birthday card but it sounds like the door was more or less shut in his face without even talking to his G/F.

Now some people are calling for him to be sacked as wellShock
The least your DD can do it give him some honesty and put the poor lad out of his misery.

WanderingTrolley1 · 05/07/2017 14:38

She needs to dump him. Quick.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/07/2017 14:40

The gifts fine, but the card speaks volumes, it is not something that you write to your girlfriend of 5 years, very telling. I would encourage her to let this one go.

Jenna43 · 05/07/2017 14:43

but the card speaks volumes, it is not something that you write to your girlfriend of 5 years

It is if she's got a sense of humour.

Starlight2345 · 05/07/2017 14:46

Op..
It sounds like they are on the way out..Her time abroad will have changed both of them...

The best thing you can do is support her to make independent decisions... Ask her what she wants to do, what she thinks she should do?

It doesn't sound like either are head over heels in love so you have to let it run its course

Getoutofthatgarden · 05/07/2017 14:47

Since when did hurt feelings(not intentional by the sounds of it) equal abuse?

I think he needs to dump your daughter before you ruin his reputation.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 15:21

It seems to have ended now, thanks your your advice

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 15:25

The relationship? Wow that was quick!!

Good call for both of them I think OP. Maybe your DH could have a bit of a word with him to let him know he will keep work professional and expects the same then there's no need for any awkwardness there. Of course the lad might decide to leave anyway.

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