Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 12 13

Original poster

DD's boyfriend ruined her birthday..

304 replies

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 08:55

It was DD's 21st birthday and her boyfriend of 5 years came out with us for a nice meal. They seem to get on fine, but she has been abroad this semester studying so I think that has strained their relationship. Anyway, the meal was great, we get back to our house to open her gifts from him and his family. His family bought her a voucher, which was kind of them. But, he got her a card with the wrong age (18th, not 21st), he said he was rushing when he bought it, and some flowers and wine from Asda, bought just before our meal out. He also wrote on her card 'to whom it may concern' instead of her name. DD is so upset about this, she feels like he was really thoughtless in doing this to her. Her boyfriend always comes to our house, we cook for him, take them places etc. Me and DH also think his behaviour is unacceptable, and strange to do on her 21st birthday. What should we do? She has been really upset and hurt because of this and hasn't spoken to him since he did this to her.

OP posts:

CrazedZombie · 05/07/2017 11:37

You've asked why he would visit her if he didn't like her. There's lots of reasons
1- he's scared to be the dumper
2- he has low self esteem and thinks nobody else would go out with him
3- it's a holiday (possibly with free accommodation thrown in?)
4- he's curious about her "new life" If he's doing the same course then he'd like to see what kind of setup it is.
5- even if they weren't dating she's good company.
6- he's 20 so doesn't know what he wants from a relationship or how to behave in one.

I think that the fact that your dd picked staying at home over staying over at her bf's speaks volumes. It's not a bad thing to end a relationship over growing apart. 5 years is a huge chunk of her life.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 05/07/2017 11:38

Even now, if I'd spent £500 going to visit someone abroad, I wouldn't have the cash for a 'good' present - that's a lot of money, especially if he's only 20! It sounds like (from this snapshot) he puts in effort to go abroad to see her, pick her up from the airport, come to her family events, but she won't hug him even briefly after the flight, and the things he bought her weren't good enough and then when he's tried to make amends that's not good enough. He can't win. Not saying he wasn't a bit thoughtless though.

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 11:42

7 - she is his gf, he was missing her and wanted to see her

lorelairoryemily · 05/07/2017 11:44

I think you are way too invested in this. It's none of your business. Maybe the card was a genuine mistake.

I brought over my dads birthday cards last year in early June, delighted with myself that I was on time and when he opened them he roared laughing because they were Father's Day cards! I just saw dad and grandad on them and bought them, I didn't read them, my parents thought it was hilarious. In my defence I had just had my first baby but my point is it can happen.

Cut him some slack and butt the hell out. Telling her to ignore him is childish and unnecessary

Tazerface · 05/07/2017 11:48

I agree with GahBuggrit's post a while ago.

It sounds like her feelings have changed while she was away, hence the no hug at the airport. He's then got upset and passive aggressively given her that card with the stupid message. Now both of them are sulking, not wanting to have a potentially difficult conversation.

FWIW it does seem that he is more invested than your daughter - I don't think she's wrong for being hurt but I think it speaks volumes that she won't even pick up the phone.

Tazerface · 05/07/2017 11:50

Yes ignoring him is just delaying the inevitable. She knows she wants to break up but if she doesn't speak to him she can pretend it's ok apart from his lame card.

MackerelOfFact · 05/07/2017 11:54

I really think it sounds like a joke too, in fact it feels like something I'd have done in my teens/early twenties. My friendship group used to regularly give each other inappropriate cards - 70th birthday, deepest sympathy, to my lovely grandma, etc etc. It was just an inside joke.

I also think it's a bit unfair that her gifts and cards from him were unwrapped in front of her family - that's not normal, surely? If I knew that was going to happen, I'd probably give something pretty generic. In that situation it's not the time or place to give very personal or meaningful gifts.

It does sound like you are bit over-involved. He is dating your DD, not her whole family.

Tartyflette · 05/07/2017 11:56

I don't think the OP has said she thinks the BF is abusive, just that he behaved badly, spoilt the birthday and upset her DD quite badly.
I think she now wants to support her DD and is asking how best to do it, for which she has had some good advice.
I also don't think that anyone in the DD's position should HAVE to talk to or even text their BF/GF if they don't want to. At all.
Some people might say it's immature, well that's unfortunate but not really relevant, she sounds very upset and might not want to have anything to do with him at all for a few days -- so why should she even text him if she feels like that? It's entirely up to her and how she feels.
There are plenty of threads on here where a Mumsnetter posts they have argued or broken up with DH/DP who is now phoning or texting and wants a reply over xxx issue and people say -- let him stew / don't respond, that's what he wants/ take your time/ take charge, you call the shots etc etc.
That's no different to the situation here. If the DD wants to respond she will.

Goingtobeawesome · 05/07/2017 11:57

Them getting on fine after five years sounds so depressing. Does she love him? Does she think he loves her? The card and gifts were shit but as with anything, it's how you deal with it once you've seen you've upset someone.

CosmoClock · 05/07/2017 12:01

Your poor DD.
Tell her that just because it's hard to end a relationship that doesn't mean it's not right.

I cried my eyes out when I ended it with a bf in London in my early 20s, me Irish with no friends, him from London, my only companion or support at all, things weren't terrible between, he was my anchor except things had become passive aggressive between us because it wasn't right anymore and it does sound like your dd's relationship has run its course but they don't have the relationship experience breaking up with people to know that this is the time to break up.

LogicalPsycho · 05/07/2017 12:02

It sounds like he's punishing her for spreading her wings tbh.

Either that, or he's insecure and trying to give the impression he really don't care much, because he thinks the relationship is doomed already and is trying, in his own head, to save face?

CrazedZombie · 05/07/2017 12:11

Tartyflette I know what you mean but when does refusing to talk become stonewalling or sulking?

I think that the dd is perfectly justified to be annoyed at how things panned out and not want to talk about things. Could the constant calls be delaying the head clearing process.

Hissy · 05/07/2017 12:14

This is how abuse starts, the ruining of happy events.

If he is hurt by anything she has done or said, punishing her is not the way to resolve it. He humiliated her in public, and now he is pestering her to get her to gloss over it and take him back.

She needs to look at this red flag good and proper, this is who he is.

He's (hopefully) killed their relationship stone dead.

She does need to end it, she is better than him and deserves someone who is able to be happy with her and for her.

My ex used to ruin every single birthday and christmas he could, did it for all of mine that I was with him, and all of his own son's too. that was the red line for me. who would do that?!

People like him only ever get more resentful of her, and even if it is borne of insecurity, it shows his default is to get nasty and punish her success.

Popchyck · 05/07/2017 12:16

Just a small thing, but I think it is rather indicative of the way of things.

You all went out for a meal for her birthday, fine. Back to yours, fine. She then has to open her card and presents from him in front of her parents. That's something that would normally be done in private at that age and then she could address the 'to whom it may concern on their 18th birthday' stuff alone and he would have the opportunity to reassure her or not. Having her parents there just increased the awkwardness of the situation.

It is hard to learn how to behave like an adult when you have your parents or your partner's parents hovering constantly.

Original poster

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 12:17

I think they both just need a break from each other. She has spoken to him though

OP posts:

Original poster

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 12:18

We aren't constantly hovering! Obviously we noticed the card and present and both thought he was being out of order. She cried when he left our house!

OP posts:

RhubardGin · 05/07/2017 12:19

It was obviously deliberate, what a childish twat!

Hopefully she sees sense and dumps this loser.

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 12:23

So a happy event like seeing your girlfriend for the first time in ages and not even getting a hug because shes too exhausted being ruined?

Neither of them have covered themselves in glory but lets not start making this lad out to be a potential abuser because (on the face of it at least) hes reacted badly to a series of what he may feel are rejections.

People can make mistakes and handle things badly and be spiteful, once again it doesnt mean their potential girlfriends are in for a life of abuse. Conversely nor does not hugging your boyfriend mean you are going to be a cold emotionally abusive future girlfriend who strings her boyfriends along

Quimby · 05/07/2017 12:26

"This is how abuse starts, the ruining of happy events."

Like a reunion after months apart?

CosmoClock · 05/07/2017 12:42

Ruining a happy event may not make him an abuser per se, but it shows a mindset that chooses manipulation to get its own way.

It shows a man who is unaware that he has a low self-esteem or unaware that his behaviour is v transparent, and even if you could offer up in his defense the fact that he's young has no self-awareness, he still dealt with his own insecurity buy doing something hurtful.

This is the mindset of an abuser.

Hissy · 05/07/2017 12:43

don't be silly quimby like a birthday...

sheesh

viques · 05/07/2017 12:45

Be thankful! It sounds as though she has outgrown the relationship, she has studied and lived abroad, her horizons have broadened whereas he has stayed an immature 16 year old. I think this is a message for her to move on. I know some people meet their life partner as a teen , but let's be honest, if most of us met our first loves again as adults we would want to crawl under the table, and not in a good way..........

Hissy · 05/07/2017 12:45

He ahs reacted terribly by punishing her in every tiny little way he could.

it's not what he does, it's the effort he has taken to get to the most minuscule level.

Everything could have been explained away, but he over-egged it with the To Whom It May Concern.

He showed his hand too quickly

He made her cry on her 21st.

That is something she literally will always remember because it's a milestone birthday.

Madonna9 · 05/07/2017 12:50

I think all you can do is be there for her, let her know you love and support her and her decisions.
It's her relationship and she has to decide how to handle this situation.
How difficult it might be as a parent.

BarbarianMum · 05/07/2017 12:50

Oh don't be ridiculous Hissy

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 12 13