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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD's boyfriend ruined her birthday..

304 replies

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 08:55

It was DD's 21st birthday and her boyfriend of 5 years came out with us for a nice meal. They seem to get on fine, but she has been abroad this semester studying so I think that has strained their relationship. Anyway, the meal was great, we get back to our house to open her gifts from him and his family. His family bought her a voucher, which was kind of them. But, he got her a card with the wrong age (18th, not 21st), he said he was rushing when he bought it, and some flowers and wine from Asda, bought just before our meal out. He also wrote on her card 'to whom it may concern' instead of her name. DD is so upset about this, she feels like he was really thoughtless in doing this to her. Her boyfriend always comes to our house, we cook for him, take them places etc. Me and DH also think his behaviour is unacceptable, and strange to do on her 21st birthday. What should we do? She has been really upset and hurt because of this and hasn't spoken to him since he did this to her.

OP posts:

ZoeWashburne · 05/07/2017 09:51

meant to add, I accidentally bought them that card because I didn't read it through fully*

scottishdiem · 05/07/2017 09:53

"I studied abroad at 21 and when I got back I ran down the train platform and pounced on my boyfriend like something out of a cheesy romcom. That was 11 years ago and we're now married."

We have been married 5 years and will still do this kind of thing.

I think she has drifted apart from him and he knows it. Just be there for her when she realizes this. And he is being a dick about it.

user1495451339 · 05/07/2017 09:54

It is up to her what she does, not you. Let her get on with it in her own way. He doesn't sound terrible to be honest, just hurt that your daughter doesn't seem that into him anymore.

PeaFaceMcgee · 05/07/2017 09:55

Why he did what he did is an explanation but not an excuse. There's a difference. Lots of abusive people have 'explanations' for their behaviour (feeling scared, hx of past abuse themselves, alcohol probs etc) but it doesn't mean their actions must be put up with by others. There should always be consequences.

Original poster

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:55

No maybe she isn't, sorry everyone about this, just wanted some different perspectives

OP posts:

MargaretCavendish · 05/07/2017 09:56

To be clear - I am not at all suggesting this is the same situation but:

What you've posted reminds me of how things were between my school boyfriend and I when we both went off to uni. The thing is, that was 100% my fault - I had, in fact, starting occasionally shagging someone from my halls and because I was a selfish, immature idiot strung things out rather than ending it cleanly with my school boyfriend. Again, not saying this is the same at all - but what is I think relevant is that didn't tell my mum any of what was going on (obviously! She'd have been rightly horrified with me!) and I'm sure she thought that my boyfriend was being horrible and unreasonable to her blameless daughter...

Original poster

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:58

Yeah but even if she has been like that, which I doubt, I am still upset that he did that to her with the card and gift

OP posts:

raviolidreaming · 05/07/2017 09:59

When it was your daughter who was thoughtless it gets sorted and discussed, when it's him he gets radio silence

Agreed.

FuckingSausageFingers · 05/07/2017 10:00

I don't think you can help her as such, just be there to support her when it all falls apart. I was your daughter on my 21st, except my bf was far, FAR worse. He had a habit of ruining nights out, but really excelled himself on that occasion. Took me a while to see the light (another year to be exact) but my parents were there as a shoulder to cry on when I needed them and I couldn't have asked for more. Certainly wouldn't have thanked them for quizzing me on it or getting over-involved - or for suggesting, before I'd figured it out for myself - that the relationship had run its course and I was better off without him. I worked it out eventually and I wouldn't be the person I am now without that life experience. I know it must be hard for you to see, but you really do need to leave them to it.

Allthebestnamesareused · 05/07/2017 10:01

It isn't about YOU though. It's about them. Let them get on with it!

GherkinSnatch · 05/07/2017 10:01

It does sound like he's probably feeling insecure about the relationship, with her having been away.

BUT. Huge but.

Even if he does feel that way, it doesn't make it ok for him to be so mean to your DD.

It sounds like the relationship is running it's course. They got together when your DD was 15/16, they won't be the same people as they were back then, and maybe your DD (and her BF) need to know that actually it's ok to accept that and move on. I was in a very similar situation to your DD at that age - although for my 21st my exBF didn't get me a card ("Did my mum not sign my name on theirs?") and gave me a scented candle he gave his sister for Christmas but she hadn't used. We were both becoming very unhappy in the relationship, but we had been together for 5 years and were very involved with each others families. I may have been 21, but I didn't have the maturity to deal with that and was too worried about what everyone would think if we broke up after such a long time. I wish my parents had got involved, even if only to tell me that it was ok if the relationship had run it's course, and that it's ok to out-grow each other if that's how we felt.

HappyFlappy · 05/07/2017 10:01

Was it not a joke on his part? 'To whom it may concern' sounds like he's having a laugh

I think it was meant as a "joke", too. However, it is the sort of cruel joke that undermines and humiliates - it will slip very quickly into bullying. He is a git. She can do better.

BarbarianMum · 05/07/2017 10:03

I think you should let go of the card and present thing (it was a crap card, bunch of flowers and bottle of wine, not an "In sympathy" card and bag of dog shit ffs) and either take a step back or try and look at the big picture.

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 10:03

As rubbish as that was but there is potentially an explanation for it and tbf it sounds like the sort of PA thing Id have probably done at that age if I hadnt seen my bf for ages, he didn't hug me at the airport and didnt seem to want to spend any time with me. "To whom it may concern" and a bottle of plonk would be quite fitting and reflective of how much effort I perceived he was putting in, although I would probably cringe afterwards for not being more mature about it.

And oh yes, as far as my mum is concerned ALL of my exes totally wronged me and I never did anything wrong and was totally the innocent party

Original poster

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 10:04

I hope she doesn't have a crap summer because of this, I don't think she'll be seeing her uni mates until September as they live far away.

OP posts:

SuperPug · 05/07/2017 10:05

Don't make excuses for him.

I had a similar thing at this age and it made me feel awful for a long time after that because I put up with it. Why waste your early twenties on someone who can't even put a name in a card? He can still have a professional relationship with your DH and should have the decency to look elsewhere if it's all a bit too close to home.

Original poster

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 10:06

He's a year younger than her too, 20, but he still should know better

OP posts:

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 10:07

I dont think there is any need to be painting this lad as some sort of abuser in the making though for this, everyone decent and good can handle situations horribly it doesnt mean they are going to become 'bad'.

If we're going down that road then its surely fair to say that the DD is going to be emotionally abusive to her future boyfriends. But in reality shes another one who just isnt handling a certain situation very well.

SlothMama · 05/07/2017 10:08

He sounds like a bit of a dick, but she's an adult let her work it out and end it on her own terms

ImperialBlether · 05/07/2017 10:09

I think it's really good to think of someone that your daughter admires - a man roughly the same age, and to ask "Would he act like this?" It is a quick way to make them realise that the behaviour isn't normal.

My daughter had a very dysfunctional and chaotic boyfriend and this was the only thing that got through to her.

Yoshi1701 · 05/07/2017 10:13

Sorry but YABVU

First of all your DD is 21 and your job is to offer support not interfere in her relationships.

I also think the BF is getting a hard time. What he did was silly, I personally think it was meant as a joke. It certainly doesn't justify ending a 5 year relationship over a birthday card.

He also turned up with a new card and I assume he wanted to apologise and wanted to make it up to DD but your DH interfered!

I also think he may be feeling rejected. If my partner had spend months abroad and was too tired to cuddle me when he saw me again I'd be hurt. I'd also be hurt if he seemed to be avoiding spending the night with me.

Popchyck · 05/07/2017 10:14

Encourage her to do other things with other friends and her family this summer. But otherwise don't involve yourself.

I do think your husband should have a think about the boyfriend's continued employment with him. That is complicating matters. Your daughter might feel that if she finishes with her boyfriend, her father will sack him, and so she might be reluctant to finish with him for that reason alone.

I know a few people who employed boyfriends of their daughters. It has never ended well. One of them stole from him when the relationship ended. Another one used his continued employment after the relationship ended to stalk his daughter. BIL has just had his daughter's boyfriend ask for a job. The answer was a flat out no.

kaitlinktm · 05/07/2017 10:14

I think it's difficult for you not to get too involved as of course only the two of them will know the full story. However, I do think it is good that you and your DH have "modelled" the opinon that what he did was a dickish thing to do - especially considering the circumstances and occasion.

My Ex completely ruined my 21st party by picking an argument with me because I was spending time talking to relatives I hadn't seen for ages instead of worshipping by his side (there were lots of friends there that he knew - and he could have walked around with me, but chose to flounce off instead). His own parents were there FFS and were SO embarrassed when it came time to cut the cake and he wasn't there. You can tell on the photos how sad I was cutting my 21st cake. He then started phoning me (after everyone had gone) to say he would "bring my things round in the morning". I had apologised (for what?) but that cut no ice. Eventually my mother fielded one phone call by saying I was too upset to come to the phone and told me "What does he expect you to do? Creep and crawl?" I wish I had listened to her and not married him - it certainly was a red flag.

Sorry - that was a bit long, didn't mean to derail your thread, but I am just trying to say not to get too involved, but make it clear that she shouldn't accept being treated like that by him (I mean the card).

Fl0ellafunbags · 05/07/2017 10:15

It's over. They really are very young to have been in such a long term relationship and I expect that he realises that and wants out. Unfortunately he's not got the balls to end it so he's pissing her off in the hope that she'll ditch him.

Original poster

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 10:16

He's trying to call her now but still think she's too hurt to chat right now.

OP posts:

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