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Original poster

DD's boyfriend ruined her birthday..

304 replies

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 08:55

It was DD's 21st birthday and her boyfriend of 5 years came out with us for a nice meal. They seem to get on fine, but she has been abroad this semester studying so I think that has strained their relationship. Anyway, the meal was great, we get back to our house to open her gifts from him and his family. His family bought her a voucher, which was kind of them. But, he got her a card with the wrong age (18th, not 21st), he said he was rushing when he bought it, and some flowers and wine from Asda, bought just before our meal out. He also wrote on her card 'to whom it may concern' instead of her name. DD is so upset about this, she feels like he was really thoughtless in doing this to her. Her boyfriend always comes to our house, we cook for him, take them places etc. Me and DH also think his behaviour is unacceptable, and strange to do on her 21st birthday. What should we do? She has been really upset and hurt because of this and hasn't spoken to him since he did this to her.

OP posts:
LeannePerrins · 05/07/2017 09:34

Not thoughtless, deliberately nasty. He's trying to make her dump him so that he doesn't have to do it.

PNGirl · 05/07/2017 09:34

It's not as simple as him not liking her any more. It can be confusing when your feelings change.

pictish · 05/07/2017 09:34

I agree Margaret.

Also I'm not sure he set out to humiliate her in front of her family. I think he wanted to hurt her to make a point and didn't consider the fact that he'd have an audience. He has made a right arse of things.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:34

I said ignore him last night because she was upset and didn't want to aggravate it anymore

OP posts:
Quimby · 05/07/2017 09:34

What good does ignoring the messages or contact attempts do though?
If she wants to end it she should do so.
If she doesn't want to speak for a certain length of time and needs space to think about what she wants then she should communicate that if even by text.

alphajuliet123 · 05/07/2017 09:35

I think she's met someone else abroad (not saying she has physically cheated), not hugging him at the airport is just plain weird / rude. Maybe he has too. Neither want to be the one to end it so they're both being arses. Game over!

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:35

I don't think anything excuses him doing this though! Disgusting

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 05/07/2017 09:35

I would have said it was exactly the other way round Leanne - OPs dd wants out but doesn't know how to tell him.

MyOtherProfile · 05/07/2017 09:36

Does she want to end it with him or does she want to try and improve the relationship? Either way I think she needs to stop ignoring his messages and arrange to see him to talk.

glitterlips1 · 05/07/2017 09:36

Sounds very thoughtless. I know how it feels though. When I was 21 my now DH didn't buy me anything not even a card! I still remind him about it now 17 years later!

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:37

She does love him and spends a lot of time with him, I think that's why it's difficult to end

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 09:38

Also agree Pictish. Again not excusing his actions but from the outside looking in all this is is a DD who has checked out but doesnt want to actually tell him, a bf who has handled it badly and switches from being a bit too full on to changing tactics and trying to prove a point badly, and a Mum who is biased and cant see that the DD has acted a bit shit as well.

She's probably upset because she knows its over. He obviously doesnt want to end it so she needs to for both their sakes.

astoundedgoat · 05/07/2017 09:39

What MargaretCavendish said is the first thing I thought of too - she has gone off him and is avoiding sleeping with him, and he's struggling with that and being passive aggressive in return (probably because they haven't had a conversation about it yet).

Your DD probably wants to break up with him in her heart, or wants him to tacitly accept a step back to "best friends" status without a confrontation, but he's confused and doesn't understand, so he's being a jerk about it. "You don't care about me so LOOK, I don't have to care about you either! I got you a shit card!"

I would be inclined to have a chat with your DD and see if there's any truth to it, and if so, encourage her to be straight with him and actually break up with him out loud, in words.

It's not controlling to be upset that your long term girlfriend didn't hug you at the airport after a long separation. He's handling this badly, but if your DD wants to break up with him, she should do it directly, not by avoiding being alone with him indefinitely.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:41

Yeah but they had sorted this out and got on fine, especially at the meal, no problems. They do have little arguments at times but manage to sort it normally

OP posts:
Roomster101 · 05/07/2017 09:41

It's impossible to know what is going on in his mind. The "to whom it may concern" may have been a bad joke. It could be that the relationship is on its way out or it may just be a blip due to his insecurities. If he does want to end the relationship he may have felt that he should wait until after her birthday rather than not going for the meal i.e. I would assume anything by the fact that he went for the meal.

StayAChild · 05/07/2017 09:44

It sounds like a tricky dynamic with him working with DH. Even if they are at the end of the road as a couple it will be a bit difficult for both of them to call it a day, and they may not have quite got to that conclusion yet. Definitely sounds like she's lost the feelings and he's picking up on that. He will have seen her living a life he's not part of when he visited her abroad.

He may well have felt obliged to attend the meal, while at the same time he's kind of punishing her for being away, hence the stupid card, message and thoughtless gift.
Also, he might be a little jealous of the fuss made over your daughter when his family might not make a big deal of birthdays.

Lovemusic33 · 05/07/2017 09:44

I think he was trying to be funny and it was meant to be a joke. He sounds like my brother, on my birthday he will wish me a happy Easter and will write nonsense in my card, it's just something he does and I find it funny. Sounds like your dd didn't find it funny and she's quite upset, hopefully he will say 'sorry' and they will sort it out. I think people might be being a bit harsh saying 'get rid' as it sounds like usually their relationship is pretty good?

Bluntness100 · 05/07/2017 09:45

I agree he was being deliberately nasty and petty . No one does this to their girlfriend on her 21 st, buying a wrong card and then not writing her name on it. He has a nasty, petty side to him.

She probably needs to end it. This behavuour will only get worse. I'd advise her to tell him at the very least she wants to take a break. If you add it into his other behavuour he's becoming abusive and controlling. Best she's found out now before it's too late who he has grown up to be.

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 09:45

Well it clearly wasnt sorted out though OP. I know if after 5 years and I had spent a couple of months away and DP didnt hug me Id be very upset and even though Id be all "yea its fine" its probably something Id always remember. Like she will always remember the card thing.

in fact I imagine if someone posted on relationships that their bf didnt seem pleased to see them after a couple of months away, no hug, excuses of being tired etc then the majority of responses would be telling the OP the bf has checked out/met someone abroad.

Just tell her its ok to end it so they can both crack on with their lives

silkpyjamasallday · 05/07/2017 09:45

He sounds a lot like my boyfriend who I was with from 15-19, I had fallen out of love with him by about 17 but he was my closest friend at a time I was being horribly bullied by school 'friends' so I stayed for longer than I should have. He was a few years older and was in his final year of uni when I started. He didn't like my newfound independence and punished me with things like what your DDs boyfriend has done. Him totally forgetting my 19th birthday was the final straw and I broke up with him when I went back to uni in January to save awkwardness over the Christmas period. It sounds like the relationship has run its course, but it is so hard when you know you will inevitably lose a friend by ending the relationship. If I were you I'd stay out of it unless she wants to talk, and then maybe ask if she wants to be treated like that another 5 years down the line. For a big birthday like 21st a boyfriend of 5 years should be making an effort, my boyfriends parents got me more thoughtful gifts for my 18th than my boyfriend did, I miss them far more than I ever did him.

BarbarianMum · 05/07/2017 09:45

goat has said everything i wanted to say (only better). Please talk to your dd and be sure she understands that its fine to like or even love someone but not want to be with them as a partner.

I could be misreading this but it does sound like she feels guilty about wanting out and is giving off mixed signals- and he's reacting by being an arse.

Allthebestnamesareused · 05/07/2017 09:46

But it actually sounds as though he feels a bit rejected.

Your daughter hasn't seen him for ages and doesn't hug him when he meets her at the airport.

He has been looking forward to having her back and she (in his eyes) doesn't want to stay over.

He feels sidelined and having realised his mistake he gets her a replacement and she won't speak to him and you and your DH are preventing him contacting her/apologising too.

Clearly your DD should just do the decent thing and ditch him properly rather than let him continue to chase her when it is clear she isn't interested.

Maeb · 05/07/2017 09:50

Maybe he's feeling insecure/jealous after she's returned. She's been having new experiences and fun with new people in a different country and he's been stuck at home with the same old life. Plus spending time away, especially when you're younger, changes you (broadens your outlook, matures you,etc), he's noticed, is feeling needy and acting out.

He's handled it stupidly but honestly he's only young. But it may be a good time to talk with your daughter about what she wants/reasonably expects from a relationship (maturity, trust, etc) and and when to try and work it out and when to move on.

I had a sulky boyfriend when I was a teen and I used to bend over backwards to please him (not physically!ShockWink). I think I carried that into other relationships with moody men and became a bit of a pleaser when I should have just woman-upped and/or left them earlier.

I would have a loved someone telling me I don't have to be a martyr to a man's moods! Just a thought!

ZoeWashburne · 05/07/2017 09:50

About the card- to his defense, I have done something similar. For a friends' (heterosexual couple) wedding, I bought them a card that said: 'Congratulations to the new Mr&Mr'. But the 'to whom it may concern' is just odd.

I think the best you can do is talk with DD and just suss out how she generally feels. Don't suggest any solutions, but just listen and let her talk it out. It is a very transformative age, and people can change drastically in 6 months. Studying in another country is also very life-changing. I remember when I had an issue with a uni boyfriend, my mum just said to me during a chat: 'If he called right now and said that you were breaking up, what would be your gut reaction?'. It really gave me clarity.

I think a lesson you can teach her is she should actively want to be with someone, and not just be with them because its comfortable and easy.

Quimby · 05/07/2017 09:50

"Yeah but they had sorted this out and got on fine,"

When it was your daughter who was thoughtless it gets sorted and discussed, when it's him he gets radio silence.

The "to whom it may concern" part sounds like a joke that works when you're getting on as a couple but spectacularly misses the mark when you're not.
The rest seems like thoughtlessness and a relationship that's struggling to find a place in the lives of two people who are most likely very different to when it started.

They're not clicking or in synch at all across a number of issues.