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Original poster

DD's boyfriend ruined her birthday..

304 replies

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 08:55

It was DD's 21st birthday and her boyfriend of 5 years came out with us for a nice meal. They seem to get on fine, but she has been abroad this semester studying so I think that has strained their relationship. Anyway, the meal was great, we get back to our house to open her gifts from him and his family. His family bought her a voucher, which was kind of them. But, he got her a card with the wrong age (18th, not 21st), he said he was rushing when he bought it, and some flowers and wine from Asda, bought just before our meal out. He also wrote on her card 'to whom it may concern' instead of her name. DD is so upset about this, she feels like he was really thoughtless in doing this to her. Her boyfriend always comes to our house, we cook for him, take them places etc. Me and DH also think his behaviour is unacceptable, and strange to do on her 21st birthday. What should we do? She has been really upset and hurt because of this and hasn't spoken to him since he did this to her.

OP posts:
Herbpatch · 05/07/2017 10:17

It sounds to me as if he's way too involved in your family life, as well as working for your DH, for her to end it 'cleanly.' I completely reinvented my life after my first period living and working abroad (between school and university), and ditched (on the way home from the airport, in fact!) my boyfriend from before. If he'd been working for my father, coming around for meals all the time, and my parents were this involved, I think it could have got very messy. Your DD also shouldn't be this reliant on one person -- if she's been with him for five years, at school and university, it sounds as though this relationship has edged out all her home/old school friends. I really think this is dangerous.

My own sister met her boyfriend on her first day at university, and they were literally inseparable from the word go. She didn't make any other friends at all during the whole time, they planned their postgraduate studies and subsequent careers teaching EFL in different countries around one another, and when he abruptly ditched her for someone else after more than 10 years, not only was there an incredible financial/legal mess and a huge discomfort between his parents and ours (they'd become close down the years) but she had literally no one else in the world to fall back on. It took her absolutely years to recover from her over-dependence on him, and to begin to make the friends she should have been making at 18.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 10:18

I think he's panicking a bit, keeps constantly phoning her

OP posts:
Justaboy · 05/07/2017 10:20

Look its blooming obvious! he's got so many women on the go he has them pre printed up in a pack of a 100 at a time!.

I remember when my GF came back from her trips abroad, good job the car was parked in a remote bit of the airport car park else it would have been outraging public decency;)

The good old bad old days eh;?

Quimby · 05/07/2017 10:20

I don't think it's about making excuses for him and I'm certainly not saying that this is the daughters fault.
What I am saying is, I don't see it as controlling/bullying and all being one sided from the boyfriend.

If you were to just list the daughters actions without going in to the boyfriends it could be equally argued that she's being controlling.
Not so much as a hug at the airport after he goes to meet her off her flight, avoiding spending time together, believing that when she makes an error it's something that can be discussed and worked through but if the boyfriend messes up then he gets ignored and punished by withdrawal of communication.

But doing that to either of them would be to ignore the context of the situation. It's too young people realising that their first long term relationship is changing and may not be for them anymore. They're dealing with it immaturely as they've never been in this situation before and are probably scared to even admit to themselves that this is probably the beginning of the end.

I don't think either are nasty or bullying or controlling, they're both just dealing with something that's they've never gone through before and are flying blind and fucking up.

PNGirl · 05/07/2017 10:20

She really ought to text him and say she's not going to pick up.

PeaFaceMcgee · 05/07/2017 10:21

Has she texted to say she doesn't want to talk today?

Scoobydoobydont · 05/07/2017 10:21

Tell her to pick the phone up and talk to him. She is 21. Ignoring people is rude, immature and only serves to wind people up.

Or better still, butt out and leave the two adults to it.

livefornaps · 05/07/2017 10:21

I think she'll look back at this and laugh.

It's a bit crap on his part but they're very young & they probably have just grown apart. It might take him a good few years before he's less shit (if ever). That's not your concern though.

If your daughter isn't going to see her uni mates until September it is up to her to fill her summer with stuff. Job/volunteering/maybe go visit friends. If she stashes some cash now she might be able to have enough to go on a cheap holiday later in the summer with said friends.

There's no point you fretting over whether this will spoil her summer, she'd be silly to waste a long & glorious university summer upset over a stupid boy!

FuckingSausageFingers · 05/07/2017 10:21

I really think you need to take a step back. Even just the constant updates on this thread like way too much. Give them some space and let them sort things out themselves. This isn't your relationship.

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 10:25

I think its interesting how views differ on this because to me its clear she wants to finish it but doesnt want to actually do the deed.

His adult gf's Dad turned him away when he came back round, shes not responded to any messages/calls and he keeps calling - they arent the actions of someone wanting your DD to end it they are the actions of someone just wanting to find out what is going on.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 10:25

He doesn't have anybody at home, no family network as such. His mum left when he was young and he lives with his dad.

OP posts:
Scoobydoobydont · 05/07/2017 10:27

He doesn't have anybody at home, no family network as such. His mum left when he was young and he lives with his dad.

And?

BarbarianMum · 05/07/2017 10:27

Why do you keep dropping things like that into the conversation? What has it got to do with anything?

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 10:28

Confused and starting to get rather Hmm

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 10:28

I don't know. I'm just trying to work out why he thinks that is acceptable to do

OP posts:
PNGirl · 05/07/2017 10:29

Er... Cause she's hurt his feelings? And now he is trying to say sorry?

livefornaps · 05/07/2017 10:29

I'm with @scooby , she should just say she doesn't want to talk today.

It doesn't sound like either are particularly invested in the relationship.

I was long distance with someone for a year & each time there was a reunion it was like the sky had parted and angels sang. Grin I was about your daughter's age too. We were stupidly in love (sighs)

If it hadn't have been like that, I just wouldn't have bothered. Life's too short to waste on guys you feel "meh" about. It seems like both feel "meh" and they should each leave the other to get on with their lives.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 10:29

I'm so sorry everyone, I think I'm reading into it too much :(

OP posts:
livefornaps · 05/07/2017 10:31

Why don't you & your daughter go out somewhere instead of hanging round the house obsessing over this poor bloke?

Columbine1 · 05/07/2017 10:31

How is your daughter going to learn about how to negotiate all stages of relationships if you interfere & tell her what to do? He tried to make amends last night but was not allowed to & you are advising her not to speak to him this morning? If anything you should be urging her to speak to him - to communicate how it made her feel so he knows the impact (& you say they have sorted previous issues) - a relationship of 5 years deserves a dignified ending if that is what is coming.
The card thing was most probably a stupid joke but you are using it to justify your dislike of him! And pushing for the outcome you want for their relationship. This is not just wanting to support yr daughter.

Yoshi1701 · 05/07/2017 10:32

I don't know. I'm just trying to work out why he thinks that is acceptable to do

You're honestly making it sound like it's the end of the world or he's done something really terrible when he hasn't.

He even came around to apologise and your interfering DH sent him away!

What do you expect from him?

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 10:32

Because hes hurting and wanted her to hurt too? (again not excusing at all - but as I say nice decent people can fuck things up, it doesnt make them potential abusers)

You are reading way too much into things. As a side I notice that your DD has told you before about something that happened that had nothing to do with her apparently. I really do think there is more than you are aware about OP.

BarbarianMum · 05/07/2017 10:34

Why are you so fixated on him? It is your dd and what she wants that are your concern - as far as this is your concern at all. If you don't mind me saying so, you don't sound like you have either the objectivity or the inclination to untangle this relationship so why are you spending your morning posting about it?

alphajuliet123 · 05/07/2017 10:36

I think you're being a bit biased and blame-y and you haven't heard his side of the story, try to be more objective and realise his actions might be a reaction to hers.

As for "her whole summer might be ruined", bit melodramatic!

Columbine1 · 05/07/2017 10:40

Why do you not count his father as a family/network? And why do you keep mentioning this? What are you projecting onto him because his mum left?!

Could well be he's really upset too (eg that he hurt yr DD). If she really is too upset to talk to him (though I'm a bit concerned you have implied to her this is how she should be & what she should do is not communicate with him) then it would be good to advise a quick text that she doesn't want to talk right now to stem the calls from him.

This reminds me somewhat of the DM of my DS GF through 15-18 who was far too involved in their relationship & caused a lot of upset to both of them. :(