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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD's boyfriend ruined her birthday..

304 replies

Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 08:55

It was DD's 21st birthday and her boyfriend of 5 years came out with us for a nice meal. They seem to get on fine, but she has been abroad this semester studying so I think that has strained their relationship. Anyway, the meal was great, we get back to our house to open her gifts from him and his family. His family bought her a voucher, which was kind of them. But, he got her a card with the wrong age (18th, not 21st), he said he was rushing when he bought it, and some flowers and wine from Asda, bought just before our meal out. He also wrote on her card 'to whom it may concern' instead of her name. DD is so upset about this, she feels like he was really thoughtless in doing this to her. Her boyfriend always comes to our house, we cook for him, take them places etc. Me and DH also think his behaviour is unacceptable, and strange to do on her 21st birthday. What should we do? She has been really upset and hurt because of this and hasn't spoken to him since he did this to her.

OP posts:
jacks11 · 05/07/2017 09:19

Look, if you think he is controlling then you should talk to your daughter about that. Otherwise, you need to accept that your daughter is 21 years old and ought to be capable of conducting her own relationship. She probably doesn't want or need you to interfere- I would have been very annoyed at my parents if they done so at a similar age.

YANBU to think he is behaving like an utter arse. YABU to do anything about it, other than talk to her if you have real concerns about this young man being controlling/abusive towards her.

Brens13 · 05/07/2017 09:20

Any chance he also has an 18 year old girlfriend (or even friend) and he picked up the wrong card from his house rather than from the shop?Maybe he has a whole stockpile which is why he only wrote "to whom it may concern".

I really hope not, but it was my immediate thought, that it could have been meant for someone else. Much more innocent if it was just meant for a friend.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:20

Yeah the airport thing has been spoken about and they seemed to have cleared that up.

OP posts:
PuckeredAhole · 05/07/2017 09:20

He sounds controlling and manipulative. I worry that my dds could get into relationships with men like this. They're only 4 and 2 so I've still got time!!

BeepBeepMOVE · 05/07/2017 09:20

If my boyfriend had been abroad and then home for 2 weeks without coming over I'd be pissed. If he couldn't even be arsed to hug me at the airport I'd be super pissed. Definitely wouldn't make a huge birthday effort.

I doubt you know the ins and outs of everything but could some cheating have occurred whilst abroad?

Card sounds like a bad joke and I've grabbed the wrong age before when getting one from the back and someone has put one in the wrong place. Not sure how he sounds horrible or abusive. He's been sat at home on his tod and now she's basically ignoring him.

Greggers2017 · 05/07/2017 09:20

I think her not even hugging him when he actually went to the airport to meet her is humiliating for him too. Travelling all day is no excuse. We all hug loved ones when tired.
It sounds to me like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. He was in the wrong on her birthday but he may have other things planned. Maybe for when they're alone? If she's not willing to stay with him are they getting this time?

GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 09:21

I agree with Mimi and its what I was trying to say in a roundabout way - hes picked up on the fact that shes checked out and is trying to force her hand maybe and it could be that neither one of them wants to be the one to end it.

FloatyCat · 05/07/2017 09:21

He's humiliated her at a time she can't react (to keep the peace) and to knock her down a peg or two

^This,he is punishing her for going abroad out of his control.

He sounds like a dick I'm afraid, she she distance herself and let it run its course.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:21

No, he even said that he was rushing and didn't check the age right

OP posts:
MommaGee · 05/07/2017 09:22

Does he think she cheaTed?
He's being a Dick.
Support your daughter, encourage her to talk it through and remind her she can walk away, even after 5 years

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:24

No but they had planned to stay at his house this Friday, which isn't happening now obviously. She didn't stay at his because she was spending time with us too (hadn't seen her for months). But, she has still seen him nearly everyday and done other things togethrr

OP posts:
PNGirl · 05/07/2017 09:25

I studied abroad at 21 and when I got back I ran down the train platform and pounced on my boyfriend like something out of a cheesy romcom. That was 11 years ago and we're now married.

This sounds like my previous relationship from 16-19 where we morphed into friends but I stayed because it was easy. He'd have got an "Alright, how are you?" instead of a hug too.

PrivatePike · 05/07/2017 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeaFaceMcgee · 05/07/2017 09:25

Reading between the lines his actions say- "I disdain you as much as I think you disdain me"

It's controlling and designed to shock her into 'pulling her socks up'.

He's a cockweasel.

As to why he came to the meal etc - think about it - he's an employee. Plus, free meal.

PeaFaceMcgee · 05/07/2017 09:26

I think it's great that you are close to your daughter and can talk about this - obviously if she wanted you to back off you would OP?

pictish · 05/07/2017 09:26

"I'm guessing he feels she's grown away from him and to be honest it sounds like she has. Who doesn't hug their boyfriend at the airport because they're tired from the journey?"

I was struck by this too. He knows it's on its way out. He's hurt and probably angry. Just be on hand to issue her there-theres and reassuring hugs when it ends.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:27

No he doesn't think she cheated. But it's weird, if he doesn't like her anymore then why still come to her meal? I've just advised her to ignore his messages, which she has been doing. He kept trying to call her last night

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 05/07/2017 09:28

I know that you're not going to want to think about this (maybe one reason to try and not become overinvolved in a 21 year old's relationship!) but the not hugging and the seeing him but not staying over both suggest she doesn't want to be physically intimate with him, quite possibly because she's fallen out of love. I think it sounds like they have their own complicated dynamics right now and you should probably try not to engage except as a shoulder for DD to cry on if necessary.

LostWithoutALight · 05/07/2017 09:28

I don't like the sound of this guy tbh. That's not how I would want my daughter to be treated when she grows up.

Fwiw I was a very young and naive 21 year old and would have appreciated my mum's thoughts on most matters, particularly relationships. I didn't have the knowledge or perspective of a mature adult and couldn't always spot when something was amiss. I appreciate not all 21 year olds are the same. Having a chat doesn't mean you are controlling or interfering, you are allowed to discuss things like adults. You're not going to be making decisions for her! Just talking about how she feels, and if appropriate then giving your carefully worded perspective. My mum usually wouldn't push her opinions on me unless she sensed I was feeling the same inside. If she thought I was being controlled/manipulated or even worse abused then she would have straight up told me her feelings though! She is a domestic abuse survivor. (Not implying that's the case here!) I'm thankful to her for looking out for me. She's the reason I ended up in such a great relationship. So I don't always think you should just let your children get on with themselves. Many women grow up to be close to their mum's and appreciate talking things through. We are all different though. (And only you know your daughter op)

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:28

I'm so sorry I'm not getting really involved! I'm not going to say anything to him about it. I just don't know the best way to support DD right now, she broke down in tears in front of us last night

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 05/07/2017 09:28

Am not seeing the "manipulation and control" here tbh, just a relationship that has run its course and 2 people that are too inexperienced to end it cleanly.

HipsterHunter · 05/07/2017 09:30

He was trying to deliberately humiliate her and upset her in front of her family.

She needs to get rid.

MargaretCavendish · 05/07/2017 09:30

Another reason to stay out is that you see her as entirely the wronged party (of course you do - you're her mum) but the truth is likely to be a bit murkier than that.

Original poster
Missmoo82 · 05/07/2017 09:32

Yeah but even if there was something more to this, I don't think that excuses this behaviour

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 05/07/2017 09:32

Youve advised your 21 year old adult daughter to ignore her boyfriends messages, shes upset at his attitude and how things are going but shes still not speaking to him? Even though he is trying to call to presumably discuss things?

Theres all sorts of weirdness in this tbh OP. If your DD wants out she should just tell him, I cant help but think as shit as the card thing was this ignoring thing is just as childish. If she doesnt like him anymore, which she clearly doesnt, then why not just tell him?

I think there is way more to this than perhaps you know OP.

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