WIBU to cancel DS birthday party as a punishment?

[Superheroessidekick]

DS is due to have friends over at the weekend for his birthday. I have just been called into the school because he ripped up a sentimental item that another child brought in for show and tell. The poor child was devastated and I am mortified. He was also messing around with another boy kicking each other. With 2 weeks left till the summer holidays it seems like there has not been a week where the teacher hasn't had words with us about silly behaviour and he always gets grounded/ punished appropriately in and out of school. I have got to the point where I feel something really has to be done I do not want this to carry on into year 5/6 then god forbid secondary. Is it too harsh to cancel his party?

I would not even allow him earn it back, what he did was very serious, and he has to realise that.

I just think on a practical level, it might be hard to have a "low-key" family birthday for a 9-year-old.

You should remind him of the times he was bullied and how he felt. He does come across as a bully. Most primary schools believe children don't bully thats why they do nothing about it.

suburban no not really, a family meal, cake and a present. Fine enough, the party should be off.

I remember when I was at school and I was being bullied my dad told the teacher. That morning she took the boy out and I could hear her screaming at him. Oh how times have changed.

Yes, I think that's an important question...what was his reaction to the other boy's distress and your horror at what he's done?

I don't know that is cancel the party. That's a pretty major punishment. He'd probably never forgive you!

I think a punishment that fits the crime eg giving away something of his that he treasures. Spending his birthday money on the boy. Giving away one of his birthday presents.

He ripped it in half because he thought it was fake... What sort of defence is that??

Yanbu, you can't let him start being nasty to others. Good plan.

I totally disagree join, what he did was very serious, he has to realise that. Sometimes being a parent involves making unpopular decisions, if that was my child, I would have no qualms in cancelling the party. w~e are too soft on children now, this would not be an issue years ago, the party would be cancelled and that's it.

This was not a one off, but a culmination of unacceptable behaviour by the op.

by the op ds.

Cancel the party. He has been vile and he needs to understand that. If he can't treat other people with respect then he has to do without the company of his mates on his birthday.

I do rather like the idea of the birthday presents he gets from his guests being handed over to the boy DS has hurt. That's closer to natural consequences and the guests don't have to suffer.

He destroyed something precious to this boy, which meant a 9 year old boy crying for an hour, that is fecking serious and unacceptable, next stop breaking into somebodies house and stealing their things. YOu have to put your foot down, if this is the only way to make him realise the gravity of his actions, so be it, you are his parent, not his friend.

Make him give the other boy his most treasured thing. Then he will understand what it feels like.

I'd cancel.
At 9 he is well able to understand what he did was very wrong and needs appropriate consequences whatever the reason for doing it, tbh i think i'd also make him donate birthday money to charity.
You said in yr op that it seems like there's not been a week where the teacher hasn't had to have words with you so its not like he's been an angel all year and there's been a sudden change, but willful nastiness of this sort needs stopping straight away, i think you're absolutely doing the right thing cancelling.

Is this boy invited to the party? If not I would invite him - I wouldn't cancel a birthday party but I would make sure he either works to pay for the item you are replacing or stop his pocket money for a month or two, or make sure he's grounded during the week for a good few weeks. I just couldn't cancel a birthday party ... there are another 364 days in the year for learning his lesson

suburban no not really, a family meal, cake and a present. Fine enough, the party should be off.

I'm not saying what should they do to mark the birthday. I'm just saying it will be uncomfortable for everyone because there's no way to avoid thinking about what sort of birthday he's not having.

Make him give the other boy his most treasured thing.

The thing he destroyed was irreplaceable though. It would be insulting to replace it with something like a signed football.

He ripped up something because he thought it was fake?
Why? Because a real one wouldn't tear? Because he was angry the boy lied?
Finding out the route cause of his behaviour will help you find out how to deal with it.

It's not ok what he did and there does need to be a consequence - however do you think he meant to destroy it viciously or was it more an Un thought through action?

Well suburban hope it provides op ds with food for thought, and next year hopefully he won't do the same thing.

Have you asked him what sort of punishment he thinks he should have? I found that my children would often be much harder on themselves than I would have been. It would also give him time to reflect on what he did.
Does he really want this party anyway, if you have cheery picked the guests? We don't all like our children's friends but sometimes it's better to include them in family events like this, rather than exclude them and make them more exciting

aeroflot

I am shocked by what the OP's DS did, but I sincerely hope no one is still going on about it next year.