WIBU to cancel DS birthday party as a punishment?

[Superheroessidekick]

DS is due to have friends over at the weekend for his birthday. I have just been called into the school because he ripped up a sentimental item that another child brought in for show and tell. The poor child was devastated and I am mortified. He was also messing around with another boy kicking each other. With 2 weeks left till the summer holidays it seems like there has not been a week where the teacher hasn't had words with us about silly behaviour and he always gets grounded/ punished appropriately in and out of school. I have got to the point where I feel something really has to be done I do not want this to carry on into year 5/6 then god forbid secondary. Is it too harsh to cancel his party?

You poor thing, OP, I feel for you. You love your child and he has done something that is unacceptable, hurtful and cruel.
I echo what most have said on here about cancelling the party/and/or giving the other child some things of DS's that are close to his heart.
However, I would be sitting down with him and having a long serious talk with him about his behaviour, what prompted it and ask how he feels about what he did. There may be a reason for his behaviour.
Act now, as others have said as it may escalate into behaviour that is much, much harder to deal with as he grows older.
You are his parent and parents have to make unpopular decisions sometimes.
I do feel for you.

I would cancel as it sounds like he needs a wake up call.
Perhaps if he works on behaviour he can be rewarded with a trip to the cinema or similar?

some people will try to excuse any behaviour won't they! The town next to us is currently being terrorised by a group of teenagers who started with low-level graffiti and damage of property.. Now they're setting fire to children's play equipment and assaulting people. The odd person will pop up and say they just need "some understanding and someone to talk to them". I can see how those kids end up that way when I look at people excusing appalling behaviour in youngsters on here.
Nip it in the bud now OP. Don't be guilt tripped.

Trying to work out the route cause of behaviournis not excusing it.

Punishment/ consequences need to go alongside teaching a better way.

Imagine your boss always coming up and telling you your work wasn't good enough and was wrong and saying you needed to work overtime for free to correct it without ever telling you what's wrong with it and how to do it right.

Consequences definitely need to be put in place - but he needs to learn how to behave better in future and other responses.

I don't think kids 'get' wake up calls. I think that something as drastic as cancelling a party could just feed a cycle of bad behaviour/ rejection, making a repeat 'flash point' more rather than less likely in the future.
9 is still quite young, and some children still struggle to manage their emotions at that age. It's natural. Counter intuitive as it seems, throwing punishment into the mix doesn't help. Consequences, yes (so apology, choosing another present for the boy), and dissection of the incident (what led up to it, how does he think the other child feels, what could he do differently next time, praise for when he acts differently in a similar situation in the future). Building empathy rather than resentment I think would be more productive in the long term.
Also cancelling a once a year event is a 'big' punishment. What do you do next time if he does something similar and there is no big event to cancel? How do you punish then?
If you're concerned about what the other parents think I would say from experience that getting in touch with them directly to explain the measures taken does wonders.

It doesn't sound to me that he was being either malicious or spiteful, so maybe we could give over with the pitchfork waving? I would cancel the party because his stupid and thoughtless actions have led to him destroying something that wasn't his and seriously upset another child.

The odd person will pop up and say they just need "some understanding and someone to talk to them"

Yeah heaven forbid we understand or talk to young people.

Perhaps many young people have had adults treating them unfairly in their time or been treated too harshly when they were crying out for help and understanding and empathy.

An eye for an eye makes the world blind.

We will still celebrate his birthday with his presents (although one Is PlayStation associated so he won't actually be able to use it for a while ) and have a meal or something similar. He is also being taken out for the day by my DM which I won't stop because she has been away and I don't want to ruin her day.
He has been very upset and cried about it all and I've explained how the boy must have felt, I hope he is upset because he understands and not just because he has been told off.
I think I/we do need to spend more 1-1 time with him (we also have a 2yo) to talk and play and just see if he opens up and promote better communication to get to the root of this years behaviour. It would devastate me if he turned out to be one of those nightmare teenagers everyone hates

When my DS was 8 he went without a party for poor behaviour. He knows he will be punished for poor behaviour and has learned to think more about the consequences of his actions

When I first read this I thought it would be a bit harsh as it is completely unrelated to the bad behaviour.

Did he know the item had sentimental value?

In any case, it made me think of when my son did something wrong on a school trip (he was 11) and I decided to stop him going on a subsequent evening school trip. It was kind of related, as it was "well I don't know if you will behave on that trip if you didn't behave on the last one".

He was very upset. I think it worked though. That was in year 7. He was better behaved in year 8 and has been a model child in year 9.

Only you can know if cancelling the party will work.

I would sell his iPad or PlayStation and give the proceeds to the other boy. I know sentimental value means it can't have a quantifiable or easily obtained replacement but it would be a gesture and a punishment also.

I don't necessarily agree with cancelling the party. That's something that he misses out on - I think it needs to be more tangible than something he doesn't get to experience, but an actual giving up of something, but you know best what will impact your son.

Imo you or DH should talk to ds about how that boy feels having something he so loved/treasured/was proud of that he brought it into school destroyed? And how he now feels about ds? And about coming into school now?

And then explain that there are always consequences to actions. He's taken something very precious from this boy - what does he think a just punishment would be? He may surprise you here but even if not you make clear that in discussion with DH & his grandparents (so he knows it's a collective family punishment) he will be giving up/selling his xyz and buying this boy a significant gift to apologise and to mend the hurt he caused. And he needs to think about what that boy needs to hear from him. The giving up should be significant for the life-lesson to stick, so in my house that would be for ds1 his PS or my youngest his Wii. You might think it's disproportionate but it's a bigger issue than just this one incident from what you describe & you're worried about him going into secondary/becoming a teen. He has to know you mean business.

It should not be you buying this boy a gift because you feel bad - you didn't do it. It should be ds because he feels bad about his behaviour and the hurt he caused.

I'm also normally against harsh punishments and am very vocal about it, but that's terrible behwvuur from him . Pure spiteful bullying and nasty. I'd cancel his party and ground him. I'd also be very clear that any hint of bullying will result in swift and severe action and that you are incredibly disappointed in who he is turning into.

I'd also set up weekly meetings with the teacher to review his behaviour.

I suspect he is crying because he doesn't want his party cancelled.

Cancel it. Your son is turning into a bully,

Would you lock him nI the cellar too? Some of you sound like you are really enjoying vilifying a 9 year old boy.

Actually, scrub that, prophets is excellent advice. He should lose something he loves and use the money to buy a gift for the boy.

Would you lock him nI the cellar too? Some of you sound like you are really enjoying vilifying a 9 year old boy

He purposefully and wilfully destroyed something someone else loved. It's sickening behaviour and his mother is right to be concerned.

He's a child. Children do stupid things. Vilifying a 9 year old boy on the internet is sickening.

No dont cancel the party. Its the age where boundaries are absolutely non-negotiable, but in this case, he wasnt warned that such and such behaviour will mean loss of such and such.

Find another way for him to pay back this instance, and in future, make very clear boundaries in advance. Has he written a letter of apology for starters?
But boundaries like Misbehaviour at school will result in...... Disrespect at home will result in..... etc etc

And then absolutely reinforce it. No ifs no buts. Bigger events, ie special things he looks forward to like Go Ape in the summer hols etc, could also be subject to a 3 strikes and your out scenario. But whatever you do, dont then compensate the loss of priviledge. If he loses a trip to Go Ape for example, that then means a day in his room with only books or homework to complete 😱 (cue social services outrage) not gets to play out with his mates instead.

If the incident had happened 6 months ago, or even 6 weeks ago, would you have cancelled his birthday party? I get the feeling that his birthday party being so close is a conveniently harsh punishment rather than a well-thought out intervention. I think you should find other penalties that don't involve his birthday.

What things does he have? Does he have a tablet/phone etc. Our most successful punishment was removing all 4 of our kids gadgets for 3 months. They were so much nicer. The difference was shocking.

That said the party would be canceled in our house.

Is it any wonder that teenagers have so many behavioural problems and such a bad reputation when, instead of being held accountable for their behaviours when younger, we have all these sudo psychologists saying "oh poor lamb, don't be so spiteful to ickle johny or he might resent it for ever/you might be an unpopular parent." When what they're actually saying is "I can't ever bring myself to punish my children so I feel that children shouldn't be punished as they should see us as friends, equals, not authority figures, and that shit behaviour? Obviously there are always underlying reasons for it which we the adults need to take ownership of rather than teaching the little brats right from wrong."

The huge irony here is that there are people saying "oh, he might be being bullied, so you can't punish him," but what do you think the underlying reasons for the bullies' behaviour might be? The bullies shouldn't be accountable for their behaviour either then? No didn't think so, except the posters would want the school to be taking responsibility for the bullies. Now here's the thing, the DS in this scenario is the bully, and he needs to be taught that bullying is nasty, spiteful behaviour, that destroying something precious to another child has consequences.

If a parent came on here and posted that their nine year old had brought something cultural in for show and tell which had been given to them by a now deceased grandparent and the class bully had destroyed it, would people be calling for empathy for the bully? "Let's not villify the bully now, you don't know why he felt the need to be a bully..." no didn't think so.

I would cancel the party. In fact I would make it very clear to him that as a general rule, nobody wants to be friends with a bully, so if he keeps up that kind of behaviour there would be a very real possibility that the friends he thought he was having round this weekend wouldn't want to remain his friends anyway due to his behaviour. I would acknowledge the birthday but not a chance in hell would he be able to earn the party back. The item he destroyed can't be replaced. A birthday party is a one off event, once the time for it has passed, it cannot happen again. Lesson learned.

We are not vilifying him fgs, but at the same time you have to knock this on the head before it gets out of hand later down the line. He is 9 and will be 10, a few years down the line a teen. This was not a one off, but a culmination of unacceptable behaviour which needs to be dealt with. My goodness some are so soft on children, no wonder some grow up to be entitled adults who know their rights, but no responsibilities.

I have a 9 year old boy. I think I would make him sell something of significant personal value (iPad or similar), buy the boy a gift and donate the rest to an anti bullying charity.
Personally I'd disconnect it from his party. I'd rather it was something that he could not easily replace that he would really be sad to lose so that he really understood the consequences of losing something special.
Good luck OP.

He's 9! I wouldn't cancel his birthday, it's a separate thing. You can't cancel birthdays?!

What he did was wrong but I'd punish him in other ways, grounded, confiscated toys, anything! But not his birthday...