Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to cancel DS birthday party as a punishment?

358 replies

Superheroessidekick · 04/07/2017 16:05

DS is due to have friends over at the weekend for his birthday. I have just been called into the school because he ripped up a sentimental item that another child brought in for show and tell. The poor child was devastated and I am mortified. He was also messing around with another boy kicking each other. With 2 weeks left till the summer holidays it seems like there has not been a week where the teacher hasn't had words with us about silly behaviour and he always gets grounded/ punished appropriately in and out of school. I have got to the point where I feel something really has to be done I do not want this to carry on into year 5/6 then god forbid secondary. Is it too harsh to cancel his party?

OP posts:
Coddiwomple · 04/07/2017 17:02

ways to inflict pain and distress on children.
Hmm

He's 9, more than old enough to understand consequences and boundaries. He did something very wrong, and it deserves consequences to show him he cannot go away with everything. It's even worst if he had shown a constant bad behaviour.

I don't think it's too harsh at all. Hopefully he will think twice next time, and you will all spend a much nicer summer!

Parents don't like to punish children, and it would be so much easier to just give in, spoil them and avoid any drama. It cannot work that way, can it.

KimmySchmidt1 · 04/07/2017 17:02

Lots on here have talked about cause and effect.

But a much better way of teaching children to behave nicely is to make them FEEL bad about what they have done, not make them see everything as an amoral transaction about what they lose for themselves if they don't comply with rules.

thethoughtfox · 04/07/2017 17:02

This could go either way. It could damage your relationship with him so much that he stops caring about pleasing you and his behaviour gets worse. Or, he could learn his lesson. Please let us know how this turns out.

Onhold · 04/07/2017 17:03

I don't think being spiteful back to him will solve anything.

user1495025590 · 04/07/2017 17:03

I think I will sit down and have a chat about school in case there is some sort of friendship/bullying issue going on.

No 'sitting children down' for a talk is not the way to get them to open up.He needs more time hanging out with you so he brings things up in his own time and you get inside his head and see the world through his eyes.Behabiour is communication and you need to know what it is that he is trying to communicate

Floggingmolly · 04/07/2017 17:04

Was it a dare?. What difference would it make if he destroyed something for a dare? Confused

Isadora2007 · 04/07/2017 17:04

Cancelling the party won't make him develop empathy overnight. It may isolate and anger him more and he will act out of anger or behave but out of fear.

What you want is to connect with him. Hurt people hurt people so to me your son is hurting in some way as well which is why he has hurt someone else.

I would be deeply saddened if a child of mine did this and sad for the other child as well. I would be trying to find out why my child did this and what they think they could do next.

Give him back his power and please don't just punish this as you are modelling anger and retribution rather than empathy and restoration.

Longdistance · 04/07/2017 17:04

I'm in the cancel the party camp.

What a nasty shitty thing to do to the other kid. At 9 he should be past ripping stuff up. That was done in malice.

user1476869312 · 04/07/2017 17:05

We still haven't heard anything| about this child's side of the story. That's a hugely important factor to be considered in what OP does about it.
Well, she's already mentioned that her DS is sensitive and was being bullied to the point of tears by another child - so maybe there's rather more to this incident than some of you seem to think.

SuburbanRhonda · 04/07/2017 17:06

Boys lack empathy

What absolute bollocks.

wonderingsoul · 04/07/2017 17:06

kimmy boys do not lack empathy at all. Both my boys have a healthhy dose of empathy.

But i agree he may need showing hiw it feels which i think losing the partt will also do.

He ripped up and the child kost something
He is also going to lose something. Ask him hiw he feels about it..

Also if he is scared for life when is he is in other wise loving family he has bigger problems. He will understand as a grown up.

HorridHenryrule · 04/07/2017 17:06

Didn't see reply cross posted with you op. You never know what is going on especially at school. I think karate or boxing will help his confidence especially when he gets to secondary school it doesn't get any easier. All my partner talks about is the fights he got in and the bullying but that all stopped when he started learning karate and boxing. No one troubled him after that and he got to finish school with A levels.

youarenotkiddingme · 04/07/2017 17:06

I prefer using natural consequences as I think children respond better than punishment as they really think about their behaviour.

Except it is punishment iyswim?

I'd tell him that you cannot allow him to have friends over if he's going to kick them and destroy their stuff. So if it carries on you'll have to cancel friends over for his birthday.
Tell him you'll be checking in with teacher daily and if he can't make the right choice then you'll have to cancel.

Some children have less impulse control than others but teaching them to think about consequences to their actions in the natural sense of the word rather than punishment for misbehaving helps them develop and take ownership of their actions.
Otherwise you end up in a negative cycle.

user1476869312 · 04/07/2017 17:08

Does it really not occur to any of you that the child whose item was destroyed might be a nasty, manipulative little shit? Might even have lost/damaged his own item and be blaming OP's DS? There's an awful lot of baying for vengeance here with no consideration at all of the human right to be presumed innocent until an incident is investigated.
(And overworked teachers don't always get it right, either. Easy to blame the 'naughty' kid, or the first one accused, and believe the one who is bawling...)

BewareOfDragons · 04/07/2017 17:08

I'd cancel the party AND tell him X number of presents are going back and the money will be spent on an apology gift for the boy.

missyB1 · 04/07/2017 17:09

OP what did he say when you asked him why he did it? I'm trying to get my head around why it would even have occurred to him to do such a thing.

Original poster
Superheroessidekick · 04/07/2017 17:10

TBH I don't feel like the school do much in terms of punishment.
His version of events (which I have to look at with an open mind because he isn't the best at telling the truth when he is in trouble) are:
Boy showed the item to my DS and another boy, other boy said oh that's obviously fake, my DS then took it looked at it and ripped it in half because he thought it was fake too. I have said even if I was fake it still doesn't mean you can destroy someone else's property and the poor boy cried for an hour because a grandparent had given it to him. This is why I feel he needs a harsh punishment because I can understand that poor boys devastation and I feel awful that I can't replace it for him 😩

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 04/07/2017 17:10

If you cancel the party, does that mean you won't be acknowledging his birthday as a family in any way?

I just wonder if that might be difficult to follow through with.

NellieFiveBellies · 04/07/2017 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/07/2017 17:11

The punishment must fit the crime, and he destroyed something precious to the child, that cannot be replaced. the only way he's going to learn is if his party is cancelled, and at that age, definitely or you are going to be in trouble several years down the line when his behaviour escaltes into something more. I don't mean not celebrating his birthday, have something low key, and presents, but not the party.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/07/2017 17:13

Yes I agree, being a parent sometimes means making unpopular decisions for the grater good of the child, and this is one of them. Mabey this will make him realise, your serious and that actions have consequences.

HorridHenryrule · 04/07/2017 17:13

That sounds horrible poor kid you should tell your boy not to be a sheep. How does he feel about what he done and what does he think he should do about it.

LetsSplashMummy · 04/07/2017 17:14

Could you have the party but ask the guests to bring a present the boy whose item was ripped would like and have DS give them to him. If your DS has to hand over "his" presents to this boy he might better realise what he did, more like-for-like.

MotherhoodFail · 04/07/2017 17:15

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

islandsandshores · 04/07/2017 17:15

Gosh op, poor you and poor other boy.

I came on ready to say YABU. You aren't.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.