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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU to cancel DS birthday party as a punishment?

358 replies

Superheroessidekick · 04/07/2017 16:05

DS is due to have friends over at the weekend for his birthday. I have just been called into the school because he ripped up a sentimental item that another child brought in for show and tell. The poor child was devastated and I am mortified. He was also messing around with another boy kicking each other. With 2 weeks left till the summer holidays it seems like there has not been a week where the teacher hasn't had words with us about silly behaviour and he always gets grounded/ punished appropriately in and out of school. I have got to the point where I feel something really has to be done I do not want this to carry on into year 5/6 then god forbid secondary. Is it too harsh to cancel his party?

OP posts:
Isadorabubble · 05/07/2017 22:36

Is your son struggling with his schoolwork or understanding what is being asked of him? Sometimes the children that are the comedians of the class are using it as a strategy to cover up something they are struggling with. Maybe worth exploring with his teacher further.

BusyBeez99 · 05/07/2017 22:42

You know they won't buy the 'family circumstance' thing. They will all know by now what happened

Floggingmolly · 05/07/2017 22:50

So what?

Mumofone1970 · 05/07/2017 23:02

I was just about to say as above
The other kids will know why this happened and tell the parents

JigglyTuff · 05/07/2017 23:14

So they know - so what? If it were my child who'd been invited and witnessed what happened, I'd be pleased that you'd cancelled. I would feel really odd taking my child to the party

Earthmother1 · 05/07/2017 23:17

I would sit him down and ask him what makes him behave this way? Would he like it if he was treated like that? How does he think the other child feels? Find the cause before dishing out the punishment - if there's a reason you're not aware of he will resent you forever fir what he would see as an unreasonable punishment. If there is no underlying reason and he shows no remorse then maybe delaying/cancelling the party might work if you explain why first - but it's a big consequence so make sure it's justified first!

StarHeartDiamond · 05/07/2017 23:35

Jiggly- I guarantee that one or more of your dcs friends will have done something equally as mean/stupid except you just didn't hear about it.

This is exactly what I said upthread about cancelling the party will change how the ds's friends and their parents will see him, potentially, because if they didn't know about it before they will certainly ask questions now.

Children of 9 are allowed to make mistakes and errors of judgement. I think for you to say it would make you feel really odd taking your dc to the party is overly precious. You don't have to condone what he did but keeping your (perfect?) dc away from the nasty boy is over the top, imho. If you know the boy well enough for your dc to be invited and for you to accept (in the same situation) then surely he can't be that bad usually or you'd never allow your dc to accept in the first place.

kateandme · 06/07/2017 05:09

think you made the right call.this wasn't a one off.
now try to put it all away.
hes obviously got stuff going on so now is the time for not holding it agasint him and really being supportive on how to change things.or just listen I guess let him no the punishment is done with and if he needs anything.anything going on with him?

user1495025590 · 06/07/2017 05:42

You should not have a punishment that embarrasses or humiliates the child, which involving other children and their parents by cancelling the party dies. I also think you are modelling to your child that it is in to mess friends about They have probably bought cards and presents already and made arrangements to be there.Rude!!

BusyBeez99 · 06/07/2017 05:50

I think you've made the wrong call here. But you've done it now. Good luck with addressing your sons behaviour

Sallystyle · 06/07/2017 06:59

think you made the right call.this wasn't a one off.

Wasn't it? I may have missed it but I can't remember reading that OP's son has been deliberately cruel to another child before? You must have read something that I didn't to think he has a history of mean behaviour.

Sallystyle · 06/07/2017 07:15

I am shocked at the amount of parents that think this should be let slide or just with a talk.

No one thinks this should be let slide or just with a talk. With my children their conscience would have kicked in and with some direction from me they would understand how they would have felt in this situation and they would have to sit with the guilt and remorse of what they have done. That's a lesson in itself. Of course if you have a child who shows no genuine remorse, is a bully and can't empathise you might need something more to drive the lesson home.

It isn't about telling little Johnny he did something bad and leaving it there. It's about making sure they realise the hurt they caused and how it would make them feel. I don't do shitty things to people, not because I will get a punishment if I do but because I don't like hurting people because I have empathy and understand what it is like to be on the other side.

I wanted my children not to do shitty things because they were kind people and I don't think you breed kindness by punishing people. I didn't want fear of a harsh punishment to be their main motivation to be kind to others.

Rest assured that people who use different methods aren't all raising children who can do what the heck they like. If it was my son this would be my first point of call. If similar behaviour was ever repeated or I believed they weren't quite getting it I would have changed my tactics sharpish. I have managed to raise five kind children who are not mean and have bucket loads of empathy. There are other ways of achieving that without a harsh punishment for the first offence of cruel behaviour.

But OP has made her choice.

fullofhope03 · 06/07/2017 07:25

You need to sit down with him and have a looong talk about why he did this. And explain calmly to him that because of his behaviour, (not just the most recent - all of it) that his party will be cancelled. He has to learn that his actions have consequences. Tough love and all that. Good luck xx

Aeroflotgirl · 06/07/2017 07:26

Op has handled it in her way, I think it was right. So what what parents are thinking, it's not a popularity contest. The party wasent really a party big whole class party, but a few friends with pizza and gaming. Which he can do another time if he improves his behaviour. Though not this behaviour before, op has reported consistently poor behaviour at school.

CdeS · 06/07/2017 07:40

Birthdays come only once a year, I wouldn't cancel the party but would make sure that you have an agreement with him (mutually agreed written contract pinned on the fridge for example) of what you are expecting of him. He needs to understand that there are consequences and how cross you are with his behaviour. It seems that something is going on for him and I agree that you need to chat with him.

SuburbanRhonda · 06/07/2017 07:58

we do try to spend time with DS1 as much as possible DH will go and play PlayStation just the 2 of them in the evening

Think you need to try a bit harder than that, OP.

JigglyTuff · 06/07/2017 07:58

Possibly Start. But if they'd done something so malicious in school and my child knew about it, I'd have felt very uncomfortable taking my child to the party.

jodiemumtodavid · 06/07/2017 08:02

You need to clamp down on bullying at an early age. I think canceling his b'day party is a severe punishment in this case, yes.

JigglyTuff · 06/07/2017 08:02

And it's got nothing to do with keeping my 'precious' child away (or very little). It's more about feeling uncomfortable about being asked to celebrate a child's birthday when they have been so deliberately unkind.

In any event, the OP has made her decision so I can't imagine it's terribly helpful for tens of posts castigating he parenting.

SuburbanRhonda · 06/07/2017 08:13

jodie

As has been pointed out many times upthread, one unkind act does not constitute bullying.

pictish · 06/07/2017 08:18

Harsh decision imo. Well done.

jodiemumtodavid · 06/07/2017 08:21

Rhonda I've not read through all 350 odd coments, but to that other child it very much constitutes bullying I'm affraid. I'd be mortified and would hand out a very harsh punishment to my child if they did something similar.

bossyrossy · 06/07/2017 12:37

Has his behaviour always been like this at school or is it a recent change? What is he like at home? In my experience this type of behaviour in the classroom is as a result of something, you need to sit down with him and find out what it is, also talk to his teacher to see if she knows of a reason.
Postpone the party until you see an improvement. Let him know you will be checking up with his teacher to make sure he has improved.

simon50 · 06/07/2017 14:37

Why not have the party, but he gets no presents, he is made to give them to the other child? He then is made to explain to his friends/guests, why he got no present.

You say that recently you keep getting called into school, so a soft touch is not working?
I know it was a different world 45yrs ago, but if just once my parents had been called into the school, they would have made dam sure it was the only time.

KirstyLaura · 06/07/2017 14:41

It's tough being a kid. I think it's clear he's probably missing the one on one attention from you and DH and having to share you with little sibling, then being easily influenced by other misbehaving children and emotionally sensitive to boot.... children do silly and cruel things. That being said I agree with most of the above that you're doing the right thing. And i'm a softy when it comes to punishments. I'm sure your little boy has learnt his lesson and you can all have a lovely birthday together and move on from this. Parenting done right, well done op, good luck!

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