WIBU to cancel DS birthday party as a punishment?

[Superheroessidekick]

DS is due to have friends over at the weekend for his birthday. I have just been called into the school because he ripped up a sentimental item that another child brought in for show and tell. The poor child was devastated and I am mortified. He was also messing around with another boy kicking each other. With 2 weeks left till the summer holidays it seems like there has not been a week where the teacher hasn't had words with us about silly behaviour and he always gets grounded/ punished appropriately in and out of school. I have got to the point where I feel something really has to be done I do not want this to carry on into year 5/6 then god forbid secondary. Is it too harsh to cancel his party?

When you let him out to play do you know how he behaves is he bullying other children or is he being bullied. My own belief system is that letting kids play out so young does not encourage independence I think they are more vulnerable to getting themselves into trouble. I weren't allowed out until I was 11 and even then I was getting myself into trouble. Maybe thats where he got his clowning around from.

Normally I would say no to cancelling the party but what he did was really mean and it needs a strong punishment to get through to him. Don't cancel his birthday though x

I agree with you cancel the party. He needs to learn manners.

I agree. You sound like a lovely parent and normally I would say that cancelling a party would be too harsh, but it sounds as though your DS is really pushing his boundaries and has gone much too far this time. If the usual punishments aren't working then cancelling the party may be just the wake up call he needs. 🙁

@Piggywaspushed no most of the invited friends were girls tbh not any of what I would call "fellow silly boys" it's not a huge party my house isn't that big haha just 5/6 friends over for pizza making, PlayStation and games

Cancel the party (not the birthday). If he can't behave properly around other people he can't have them home. Maybe offer to re-instate the party at a later date if he shows how well he can behave ????

What has he said about the destroying of the other child's item? Is there a history with the other child? is there a developing culture of racism in the school, or something?

Children don't destroy each other's property for no reason at all, so I would want to know the full story before deciding on the punishment.

Also, punishment is not the best idea anyway. The outcome you want is for your DS to a) understand why what he did was wrong and b) make reparation as much as possible. Punishment doesn't generally achieve this.

Why did he destroy it? Just to be spiteful? Cancelling his party is spiteful behaviour too imo.

Do you really wanto scar him for life as opposed to getting to the bottom of this behaviour?
Can't believe some of the vindictive posters who are rubbing their hands in glee at the prospect of hurting a young lad.

I wouldn't cancel the b'day party at that age.
However, you are right about needing to do something about it and what you did hasn't worked so far. So you do need another approach.

I always find it hard to give advice in that because I always believe that the best answer will be different from children to children.
Sometimes what a child needs most is attention (positive), support, cuddles. All of which could also be seen as a 'reward'.

I think the letter is an excellent idea as well as a small gift. I would make him choose and pay for the gift though so he has to put some effort into it (what would be the best, what does the child like etc etc) and still feel the 'cost' behind it iyswim.

Also maybe look at martial arts (so he gets to have 'fight', gets some exercise AND learn NOT to get into a fight and respect the other person). Exercise has always been a life saviour with my two when they have become more angry/aggressive.

What does the school say too?

Who is gleeful?
Choices have consequences.

He did something really nasty and deserves a consequences not a nice little chat and some sympathy. It wasn't a mistake and if I was the parent of the other child I would hope that OP's son would be getting some serious consequences for his behaviour.
There's no glee in it. He's at the age where it's acceptable to learn when you do something nasty and hateful the consequences are really unpleasant.

9!?
I thought you would day he was reception age!
Absolutely cancel the party

Oh, some people love thinking up ways to inflict pain and distress on children.
Calm your tits, vigilantes! There are a lot of gaps in this story.
Here are things we don't know:
Why the DS destroyed the item - was the other child taunting him with it? Was it a dare?
Whether the DS knew the significance of the item - I'm not sure how much a 9-year-old would understand about something being irreplaceable
Whether the destruction was really intentional or whether it was the kind of thing kids do ie snatching something off another kid and the thing gets damaged in the process.

Also, is OP 100% sure that her DS is the only one to blame, or the right one to blame?

It's very, VERY important to know as much factual information as possible before blaming a child or giving them consequences for bad behaviour. If you blame the wrong kid, or punish for something that was an accident or a misunderstanding, the fallout could be pretty unpleasant and longlasting.

I don't think you should cancel his party. Far too harsh.

It's an appropriate punishment for bullying

I disagree with those saying cancelling the party is spiteful. It's a consequence. A strong, completely in keeping consequence.

For those of you saying where next - well, what do you suggest? OP has removed items and privileges for lesser offences and he has done this? Clearly he's not arsed and needs something to make him realise that his parents and the school mean business.

OP, you haven't really mentioned his response - how did he react when you were called into school? How does he react when you remove iPad etc?

@HorridHenryrule when I say play out i mean we have an enclosed car park out the back of our house which my bedroom window overlooks he goes out there on his scooter with the 2 neighbouring children's whose houses also overlook the car park so I can see him at all times/ know what he is doing. He isn't allowed anywhere else. We have had to stop him playing with one neighbour though as he was always coming in crying that this boy (same age same school) had said something mean, my DS can be quite sensitive so I think I need to establish if any bullying is happening at school and if that is why he is acting the way he is. Maybe in fear of being bullied so instead becoming the bully? Not that I'm making excuses in any way! Just trying to possibly find a cause or contributing factor

Yeah it's a tricky one but I would say cancel the celebration with friends and just take him for a simple family meal instead. So don't cancel his birthday as such but sounds like he needs a clear message that his behaviour has reached unacceptable.

I agree that some posters on here are a bit too gleeful at the prospect of a 9 year old losing his birthday party

Given that he wrecked a sentimental possession, I'd say absolutely no presents. I think the more "like for like" element of it might make the cause and effect clearer to him.
And you can tell him you'd have cancelled his party too, but other people were looking forward to it.

He might more or less cancel his own birthday party by tantrumming though.

At that age what he did was purely spiteful and he would have known it was. I would cancel the party if my ds ever did that to another child. You will not scar your son for life like one crackers pp has said. You'll be teaching him his actions this time have gone way too far and this is the result for him.

I'd also be removing for a very long time an item of his that he cherishes so he knows what it feels like.

Nobody reacts for no reason no matter how shitty the reaction was. The op needs to talk to her son or else this could escalate with her son feeling very resentful. That could be a problem as they get older the op not talking to her son. The letter and the gift is a good idea but do get to the bottom of it and tell him thats not a good way to react when frustrated.

I have a 2 year old boy and his reactions shock me "Don't bite that because you don't get your own way" I tell him.

You could, but the smarter thing to do would be to:

1. sit him down quietly and show him an analogy with something that would make him upset, like something to do with his dead granddad or a dead pet (or get him to imagine a pet dying), to help him understand why it is upsetting to rip up something sentimental. ideally if you pull this off well it will make him cry. Boys lack empathy, it is a great skill for him to learn, and the best way is to imagine his own self upset.

1. tell him you are going to let him have his party, but on condition that between now and then, including during the party, he behaves impeccably. tell him that if he misbehaves you will have no problem at all with telling everyone at the party what he has done and sending them all home early. the fear of public shame on his big day is a great way to get him to behave.

Why are you telling him he needs to associate with the nicer children, instead of addressing his behaviour? Being easily led doesn't excuse or explain what he did to the other child's possession; he did it, and he's responsible for his own behaviour.
Maybe he's getting a vibe from you that he isn't totally accountable for his own actions when you tell him to stay away from the "not nice" kids, as if they were partially to blame for influencing his behaviour?