Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends expecting me to look after kids, 6 week holidays.

999 replies

famtastic · 03/07/2017 08:44

I have just found out from another friend, that a couple I'm friendly with who live round the corner told her that I am having their children for them in the summer holidays. It would be 3/4 days a week 6:30am till 10:30am. So in theory we would still have the day after 10:30 to do what we want.

But I have not actually been asked by them! Or had days times mentioned to me. Literally all that was said to me back in may was "we may need the odd favour in the holidays" and I just said oh ok! They didn't elaborate on the favour and I was in the playground taking my kids to school so a bit distracted and didn't ask.

I was looking forward to the summer holidays with my own 2 children ages 3 and 8, lazy mornings and doing what we want, now I feel sick! There is only 2 weeks left and they still haven't mentioned it to me! And surely they can't get anything else sorted now?! Also my husband works 10/11 hours a day and he leaves at 6:50am he won't want anyone round while he's getting ready for a long day at work! And lastly I don't even know their oldest I've met him once for maximum 1minute, their kids are different ages to my two so I can't see how it's going to work well.

Ahh I don't want to do this but I don't know what to do! Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
MsPassepartout · 03/07/2017 11:24

I've just had a bizarre conversation with X, in which she told me I was looking after your children in the holidays. I'm sure there is some mistake, as we have never discussed this and I am not available to do so. X must have her wires crossed somewhere!

^^ This. Either in a text or a note dropped through the door.

If they bring up the Monday, depending on how generous you feel, either say you'd assumed they didn't need that anymore as they'd not brought it up again, or say that's the only day you can do. Other plans for the rest of the holidays.

Pagwatch · 03/07/2017 11:24

I agree with diddl.

Also, my personality means I would be worrying about how that first morning will play out from now until then. I would be unbelievable stressed by the time the holidays arrived. I'd rather deal with it so I can forget it.

user1495451339 · 03/07/2017 11:25

To be honest they haven't asked you apart from for the first day so that is all you have agreed to and all you have to do. After that just say you can't or offer the odd day that suits you if the first day wasn't that bad!!! The parents haven't discussed anything of any detail to you so it is not up to you to worry about letting them down when they have just assumed you will do it.

Their children sound like they are old enough to be left for a short time and I can't imagine it would be that easy to get kids of that age out of bed so early every day!

You don't even have their phone number so can't be good friends. You owe them nothing at all.

drinkingtea · 03/07/2017 11:30

Why do they need childcare for a 10 and a 13 year old between 6:30am and 10am? Kids that age can stay home alone for that long - surely they'd just want you to be an emergency contact as you're just down the road?

Greenifer · 03/07/2017 11:30

I think you need to speak to them. Just say 'X told me that you were expecting me to have your children every day over the holidays. I was a bit concerned as you hadn't mentioned it to me so I just wanted to let you know that this won't be possible so that you can find something that works for you.'

BunsOfAnarchy · 03/07/2017 11:31

Nothing has actually been arranged.

Therefore this whole 'arrangement' does not exist. I wouldn't worry. No actual days/dates/times have even been mentioned so it's not happening.

If it's making you anxious because of the wait to find out if they do or do not expect you to help, I'd pop by and spark up friendly chat about the kids and drop in that you're thinking of going for a small break to stay with during holidays.

If they say "oh but what about our kids"...say nothing was actually arranged. End of.

Let's end this worry so you can enjoy the hols x

Shadow666 · 03/07/2017 11:33

I'm just amazed that the 10 and 13 yos don't stay by themselves until the Dad gets back. Surely this would be normal?

I must admit I thought that too. My kids wouldn't be happy going around to a friend's house for baby sitting at 6.30am during the school holidays. They'd probably wake up around 9am and be happy watching TV and playing games for an hour on their own.

AlternativeTentacle · 03/07/2017 11:34

To be honest they haven't asked you apart from for the first day so that is all you have agreed to and all you have to do.

No she said it SHOULD be ok. They have not confirmed or checked since so she can quite confidently say that she assumed they didn't it as they didn't check in between that it was still ok.

rookiemere · 03/07/2017 11:34

Good point about the DCs ages.

Whilst I don't think it's ideal to leave them on their own for that length of time - 13 year old is of course fine, but having them be in charge of 10 yr old may be a bit of a challenge, having seen how some of my friends DCs are with their younger siblings - they should be asleep for most of it.

CardinalCat · 03/07/2017 11:37

They haven't spoken to the OP about it and nothing has been arranged so personally I would just leave it and forget about it. If/ when they pop up as the holidays approach, the OP can quite rightly say 'Oh dear, you seem to be mistaken. I didn't agree to do this and I can't manage it.

MimsyFluff · 03/07/2017 11:38

Say NO when they ask even for one favour! I looked after a boy (4) after school once a week when the holidays came I was asked to watch him 6 days a week 13 hours a day for £100 a week that was to cover days out, food and gifts from the gift shops at all the amazing places she expected me to take him Grin! I had a 2DC a 4 year old and 3 year old and was heavily pregnant. I laughed and said no chance the next day I had her DC after school his big sister picked him up and accidentally said that his dad had been home all day!

I am not a SAHM to enable anyone other than DH to work and to be the best mum I can be to our DC not another child/ren! The DC have friends over, sleepovers and I look after their friends but they will also have mine round but this is for the DC interests not their parents.

SquinkiesRule · 03/07/2017 11:39

At 10 and 13 my two oldest slept till past 10. I used to get in at 2 and left them a list of jobs to do then we would go out in the afternoon and go swimming.

PollytheDolly · 03/07/2017 11:44

Fuck that! It's hard enough looking after your own let alone committing to that. How dare they!?

I'd tell them right now, so you can relax and look forward to your own hols with your own kids.

Some people!

Ceto · 03/07/2017 11:45

Don't do them a single favour!!! They're piss-takers.

I disagree. They have done OP some favours, so it's reasonable to return them. But obviously not reasonable to commit to this.

You obviously need to clarify what they are looking for in relation to the Monday arrangement as you've agreed to it, and whilst doing so you can make it clear that so far as you are concerned that is the only day you are having their children.

I would also strongly suggest that you persuade the friend who is having the children in the mornings in term time to stop doing so, or to ask for full payment at babysitting rates. The fact that this couple get away with that may well be one reason why they think they can get away with it with other people.

Original poster
famtastic · 03/07/2017 11:48

Thanks all you have confirmed what I thought about the situation. But I do have anxiety so sometimes I make a situation seem worse in my head then don't know if I'm over reacting. I did feel it was a massive piss take and since I didn't confirm anything bloody cheeky! They never pay anyone for anything just usually put it all on my friend. But she has known them along time and has had the odd favour returned from them when she was working in the holidays. But even she agreed it was ridiculous and taking the piss out of me. She hasn't told them and won't that I know. She's told me to just pass it off too as I have plans now. And I do have a few plans just they are spontaneous on days and times. Not that I will say that! I will do the Monday but when it's brought up il say yes I'm super busy in the holidays but I kept that day free for you since you asked for it. That's it then when they say how stuck they are ( which they will) il just say you only mentioned the one Monday I'm all booked up now. They are cheeky an example of this is We went to a body shop party once and this "friend" had no money so I bought 2 bottles of wine one for host and one to share, she left after an hour and took my bottle of wine home with her lol!!!

OP posts:
littlemissangrypants · 03/07/2017 11:49

I used to be a complete doormat too and hated saying no to people for fear of upsetting them. Doormatty things I did included catering birthday parties for friends kids and baking cakes at my own cost. Giving them money and loads of other things.
I also got roped in to walking a 'friends' son to school. (20 minute walk each way). Her son became violent to my younger child and even pushed him on to road. He also spat at me and called me a whore/idiot/cunt etc. 'Friend always told me to stop picking on her son and he was right to push my kid on road as my youngest is on autistic spectrum. She also said he was right to call me names as I was obviously bullying him.
I walked her son to school all of year 4 and 5 and then at end of year 5 I got diagnosed with a heart condition. I was seriously ill in hospital and not able to walk her son to school in september. 'Friend screamed at me over phone to sort out someone to take her son to school. I did this for months and eventually got well enough to do one walk to school a day.
Her son was still seriously mean to me and my boys so one day I snapped. I told her no more and she told everyone I was a bitch and wouldn't do her a little favour. She also told everyone that her son would be walking to school alone and if he got killed it would be my fault.
The last 6 months of year 6 were hell for me. My health was still awful and I had to put up with crap from some other parents. My real friends rallied around and got me through it. I have now learnt to say no. If people get pissed off at it that's their issue. My real friends know that I will help if I can and they understand if I say no due to health or other reasons. Don't get yourself in to arrangements like this. The people taking advantage wont care if it costs you money or your health or your relationship. Friends that use you are not real friends.

TinselTwins · 03/07/2017 11:49

Just so you know in advance, they probably won't be your friends once you start saying no.

Had one of these at DDs school, once I started saying no (because she never ever returned a favour) she stop invested her energy in being friendly with me and moved on to someone else who is new to the area and is under the impression that she's made a best friend Sad …. except she's also doing free childcare at least 3 times a week for her new bestie . She hasn't figured out yet that her new "friend" has childcare "emergencies" weekly, and her new "friend" won't pull out any stops if asked for favours in return.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 03/07/2017 11:49

OP - I would start with declining the first Monday so they have to make other arrangements, text something like

"Hi [cheeky feckers], I know you asked if I'd be able to have your kids on Monday 24th and I'd check if I was free, unfortunately I can't do that after all. Hope you get it sorted, Famtastic"

Make it clear they only asked about that one day. Always reply to requests "which date? We've got a lot on, I'll have to check...." Then decide afterwards if you want to accept or not. I'd say no to any 2 days on the run.

IF you don't, the Monday will become "can you have them tomorrow as well? WE've not managed to sort anything else out..." (because they've not tried)

They need to pay out for childcare for the 10 yaer old and get it sorted now. Not your problem that their childcare plan was "take the piss".

mamalovesmojitos · 03/07/2017 11:52

To be honest op, I don't think you should take their children for so much as one hour this summer. I know their type - if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. Cancel the one agreed day, apologetically, and do not budge after that!

mamalovesmojitos · 03/07/2017 11:53

Exactly as InvisibleKittenAttack has put it!

Original poster
famtastic · 03/07/2017 11:55

Littlemissangrypants that's awful bless you. Hope your health is recovering xx

OP posts:
HotelEuphoria · 03/07/2017 11:56

I have noticed a couple of other posters say the say as me. No way would my 13 year old (at the time) get up at 06:00 AM and sit in a neighbours house for four hours with his sister and 2 other little ones. I left him at home all day when I worked 12 miles away at that age.

If it was until his dad got home at 10:00 AM he would be looking after his sibling then free to do what he wanted after that time.

The likelihood being that both would still either in bed or lounging around the house still when dad got in.

I would expect therefore that an occasional favour (such as when the older sibling was perhaps not at home) would be all that was required.

CiderwithBuda · 03/07/2017 11:58

You need to deal with it now. Get a mobile number for them - presumably your friend has it as she has done childcare for them?

Send them a text saying "just wanted to check with you as X is under the impression I agreed to look after your children for the summer holidays? Sorry but I can't. Your H mentioned you might need the odd favour and I'm happy to help if I can but I can't commit to anything regular. We have a lot on and will be doing some trips away.

Deal with it now or it will play on your mind. And also just in case the husband HAS told her he has sorted it she needs to know he hasn't.

If you leave it till the first Monday and then tell them it won't end well.

Do it now.

Original poster
famtastic · 03/07/2017 11:59

They don't leave either child ever alone, the 13 year old has no responsibilities at all and isn't like a lot of 13 year olds quite young in his ways. So they are 100% expecting them both to be looked after at 6:30 am. I see now though this isn't just my anxiety it's a very presumptuous expect on their behalf. And ridiculous that they have assumed I am doing this without asking me.

OP posts:
kali110 · 03/07/2017 12:00

I'd text her now op so you're not stressing and so she can't say you let her down at the last minute.
Just say 'what time did you want me to have soso on the monday?'
Then if they ask for longer just say they didn't ask you to have them for any other days and you have plans.
Then stick to it.