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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends expecting me to look after kids, 6 week holidays.

999 replies

famtastic · 03/07/2017 08:44

I have just found out from another friend, that a couple I'm friendly with who live round the corner told her that I am having their children for them in the summer holidays. It would be 3/4 days a week 6:30am till 10:30am. So in theory we would still have the day after 10:30 to do what we want.

But I have not actually been asked by them! Or had days times mentioned to me. Literally all that was said to me back in may was "we may need the odd favour in the holidays" and I just said oh ok! They didn't elaborate on the favour and I was in the playground taking my kids to school so a bit distracted and didn't ask.

I was looking forward to the summer holidays with my own 2 children ages 3 and 8, lazy mornings and doing what we want, now I feel sick! There is only 2 weeks left and they still haven't mentioned it to me! And surely they can't get anything else sorted now?! Also my husband works 10/11 hours a day and he leaves at 6:50am he won't want anyone round while he's getting ready for a long day at work! And lastly I don't even know their oldest I've met him once for maximum 1minute, their kids are different ages to my two so I can't see how it's going to work well.

Ahh I don't want to do this but I don't know what to do! Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:

livefornaps · 03/07/2017 12:01

Yep @InvisibleKittenAttack has it perfectly!!

I know this is hard with anxiety but follow kitten's advice to the letter and you will be fine. In the long run this will be better for your anxiety as you won't have to worry about seeing them & their children at all. Phew!! Put the six-week-childcare batshit crazy stuff out of your mind entirely, and just see it as declining a loose arrangement for one day that was never confirmed in the first place. It is perfectly reasonable that you are stating your unavailability for one day now - they have plenty of time to sort out alternative arrangements for this "one day".

As for your bodyshop story: well. I'm gobsmacked. Clearing off with a bottle of wine that was meant for the host...! (surely that is the only recompense for hosting a party: the few, if any, bottles left over). Says it all really.

Again, I feel sorry for the kids. But focus on your own lovely children & have a lovely summer ! cheers

NoSquirrels · 03/07/2017 12:02

Please don't spend ages winding yourself up in knots about this.

They've collected your DC once or twice from school - you don't owe them 6 weeks of early morning childcare!

See them as soon as possible, or get number off friend.

Firm up arrangements for "first Monday of holidays" and NO MORE. Favour returned, and then don't agree to anything else. Your 8 year old with autism needs you not to.

Also, a 13 and 10 year old should be able to stay at home alone for a few hours in the morning, so it's probably a non-issue.

Sort it today so you're not stressing about it. And stop feeling bad about saying no!

rollonthesummer · 03/07/2017 12:05

I wouldn't even do the Monday for them-they sound awful! People give up jobs and sacrifice salaries to become sahp so they can do what the hell they want-they don't do it just to become free childcare for entitled dick heads.

Didn't your friend say to them, 'have you actually asked x to have your kids?'

They aren't your friends-don't become their staff!

Anatidae · 03/07/2017 12:07

Get their number off the mutual friend.

Write the text.

Check back through it and remove any apologies or qualifications.

Send it

Stop worrying.

I have anxiety too and this will eat you up if you dont sort it.

SylviaPoe · 03/07/2017 12:09

OP, knock this on the head right now.

Text them ASAP making clear you can't do it.

It's making me anxious just thinking about you having this 'arrangement' on the horizon.

babsjonhson · 03/07/2017 12:09

Every year on mumsnet there is a thread like this. Every year I've been reading I can't believe people do this. And I can't believe people do it too. No way would I ever do this 'favour' for people I hardly know!
People get away with being piss takers because people let them.

I assume that at 630 start includes breakfast too?

JUST SAY NO

Do NOT apologise
Do NOT suggest dates you can do it

and btw I would do this for a FRIEND who asked and was genuinely in a pickle. I would happily do this for a good friend who had a partner in hospital etc etc and even ASKED. anyone else - including people I only see on the school run who don't even ask could piss right off!

AlternativeTentacle · 03/07/2017 12:11

Write the text.

Check back through it and remove any apologies or qualifications.

Send it

Yes that's right - let them know your mobile number. Doh!

OP if you hadn't had that conversation you would not know anything about it. So stop worrying and get on with life.

ludog · 03/07/2017 12:11

Acquaintance: "oh, but no one ca mind the dcs for me"
Op: "including me"

TipTop333 · 03/07/2017 12:12

What do they do for childcare before school during term time?

CardinalCat · 03/07/2017 12:13

I hadn't realised that you had agreed to do one day, the first Monday.

My worry if you do this Monday is that it becomes the gateway to them just ending up with you for all of the holidays.

I think if you are intent on sticking to the Monday then you need to be very firm that it's this day only.

You sounds much stronger already, OP. You can do this!

rollonthesummer · 03/07/2017 12:14

What are you going to do, OP?

Who had their kids last summer holidays or indeed any school holidays? Why you!?

diddl · 03/07/2017 12:16

The ages of the children make it even odder-& they obviously aren't friends of your children either!

My 13yr old would barely be rousing by the time the dad got back!

10yr old probably up & about but I doubt for long!

What do they usually do in the mornings?

They surely don't ship the both of them off at 6.30 every morning?

MyBeautifulLaunderette2 · 03/07/2017 12:16

I would just confronted the person and tell them exactly how it is - you heard from neighbour X that Y is going to happen, but you don't remember ever discussing Y with your friend. Care they explain?

Original poster

famtastic · 03/07/2017 12:21

They drop them to my friends on school mornings at 6:30 then they go to school from there. She didn't work till end of last year, so this year my friend has been doing it. But she can't in the 6weeks as she is away for 3 weeks then working herself. She is going to put a stop to it herself soon as it started as a favour now it's expected and if she can't they get a bit annoyed and she caves in. But it's become feeding them, giving snacks/money their parents forgot etc. When she mentions it they just laugh it off like it's nothing.

OP posts:

HeteronormativeHaybales · 03/07/2017 12:24

You really need to sort this out, clearly and directly. You were under the impression that they needed the occasional favour, and agreed to the first Monday of the holidays on this basis, but have now heard that X thinks you are doing it 3/4 days a week throughout the holidays, which you cannot and would not have agreed to.

Quite apart from anything else - you having no obligation to do this and mess up your own holidays on someone else's account, etc - IMO a 10 and 13yo don't need this kind of childcare and it's likely to make them miserable. My older ones are 12 and 9 and perfectly capable of staying on their own for an hour or so, and I'm sure that in a year's time I'd be happy leaving them (if I had to) for four hours in a morning (when they would tend to be chilled, potter, watch DVDs etc anyway). There may be SN or other particular circumstances (perhaps they can't stand each other and always fight when alone together, or something), but in that case it's even less fair trying to put it on you.

Starlight2345 · 03/07/2017 12:24

If I was you I would contact them..Reason been you are going to worry for weeks.

nip it in the bud...They will go searching for some other mug..Which is all they will see you as.

You already don't come across as the most confident of saying no, so the closer you get the harder it will be for you.

user1471462115 · 03/07/2017 12:27

You have to contact them today, as if you leave it til they turn up on the first Monday they will say they have no time to sort childcare. If you tell them today they have nearly two weeks and can at least arrange flexible working or unpaid days off.
They will use the fact that they can't arrange something in 1 day and you will end up doing the whole thing.
If you tell them today they can make alternative plans.

I wonder if dad thinks he has sorted this and has told the mum he has and she thinks it is sorted. It would bother me and make me anxious to not tell her today, and I'd then end up doing more than I wanted as I would know how I would feel if I was let down when I thought someone else had sorted it.

Flowersonthewall · 03/07/2017 12:27

The problem is when you do the Monday they will just be very vague and probably pick them up from the car shout out from the window 'see you tomorrow' and drive off before you can reply! They'll play off your anxiety and before you know it you'll be doing all of the holidays.
Don't leave it until then because they obviously have no concepts of social niceties and will take you for a ride. Nip this in the bud now.

UrsulaPandress · 03/07/2017 12:27

She stole your wine!!!

Sorry but I cannot get past that.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 03/07/2017 12:28

OP - contact your mutual friend and get the mobile number now - send the text I suggested, turn down the Monday 24th, that's the only date they have asked for and you didn't confirm at the time.

If they complain that you said you would etc, just reply "sorry if I wasn't clear, I said I had to check, and unfortunately that date we already have plans. We're pretty busy these holidays."

Anatidae · 03/07/2017 12:28

Arrange something for you for the days after that first Monday as well.

If you don't knock this on the bed it's going to wreck your holidays

Anatidae · 03/07/2017 12:29

The head!!! Not the bed..,

I swear my autocorrect is sentient

Vereesa · 03/07/2017 12:31

I agree with PP saying you should contact them sooner than later too. Reason being is that if I were them and knew you're a "yes man", I'd simply turn up on Monday saying "oh sorry I thought I mentioned it" or something along those lines. Then I'd turn up again the next day saying I thought you'd agreed to look after the kids or that the kids loved being at your place and specifically requested to be there again.

Mention it now, and don't agree to Monday.

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 03/07/2017 12:31

She will have to do what every other working parent does. Use holiday, pay for childcare, group together with friends and look after kids in turn, as family, take unpaid leave. You should never put yourself in a position where you have to regularly rely on other parents to look after your kids. I would suggest that she looks into a nanny to come round hers each morning. Don't feel guilty say you can help out a couple of days but no more if you feel you owe her something

CalmItKermitt · 03/07/2017 12:33

😮

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