Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends expecting me to look after kids, 6 week holidays.

999 replies

famtastic · 03/07/2017 08:44

I have just found out from another friend, that a couple I'm friendly with who live round the corner told her that I am having their children for them in the summer holidays. It would be 3/4 days a week 6:30am till 10:30am. So in theory we would still have the day after 10:30 to do what we want.

But I have not actually been asked by them! Or had days times mentioned to me. Literally all that was said to me back in may was "we may need the odd favour in the holidays" and I just said oh ok! They didn't elaborate on the favour and I was in the playground taking my kids to school so a bit distracted and didn't ask.

I was looking forward to the summer holidays with my own 2 children ages 3 and 8, lazy mornings and doing what we want, now I feel sick! There is only 2 weeks left and they still haven't mentioned it to me! And surely they can't get anything else sorted now?! Also my husband works 10/11 hours a day and he leaves at 6:50am he won't want anyone round while he's getting ready for a long day at work! And lastly I don't even know their oldest I've met him once for maximum 1minute, their kids are different ages to my two so I can't see how it's going to work well.

Ahh I don't want to do this but I don't know what to do! Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
HappyFeetAgain · 03/07/2017 10:20

You need to grow a backbone here. They haven't even asked you, what is the drama about? Your friend has given you the heads up so it simply is a no. What's difficult. You don't even have their number, so you aren't close. Don't lose sleep over it, a simply sorry you won't be able to without explaining yourself is perfectly fine.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 03/07/2017 10:20

6.30am? What planet are they on?
I know a couple as cheeky as this. They've taken massive advantage of a good friend of mine and then threw a strop when she fell ill and couldn't be their free childcare any more.
Its reading threads like this that makes me glad I'm not a very popular person in the school playground. People don't ask me favours! I am a SAHP for the benefit of my children, not to be someone else's childcare!
I still can't believe they want you to be up and ready before 6.30am during the school holidays. Surely a 10 and 13 year old could manage by themselves for a few hours?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/07/2017 10:20

Probably Other Moving House Mum said ok and now cannot, they've just assumed (the Pisstakers) that she has handed over the baton to you.

And giving you some cash so they don't feel like they're taking the piss.

remind them that only a registered CM or similar can provide paid childcare (though the cash they'd give would most likely just cover snacks , not actual time)

AlternativeTentacle · 03/07/2017 10:23

She doesn't need to say anything now but she should because then she won't be worrying about the forthcoming confrontation.

Well, she could just stop worrying, and not answer the door. And when asked say 'huh?' and walk off.

thesandwich · 03/07/2017 10:23

It is really important you are clear. Do not offer solutions- this is not your monkey. It is theirs. Don't make it your problem.
"That does not work for us" is a good response- no need to explain why.

Waddlelikeapenguin · 03/07/2017 10:24

Is it possible they've just said this to put some nosy person off a "ooh you cant leave the kids alone" rant? Surely 10 & 13 yr old will just be in bed until parent returns at 10:30? & be told if there is a problem to go to a neighbour?

You need to clear it up though & "sorry that doesnt work for us" is all you need to say.

BadLad · 03/07/2017 10:27

Their nerve is like asking someone to lend you a couple of quid, and then expecting to clean out their bank accounts.

ShmooBooMoo · 03/07/2017 10:28

Sounds like these people know you are a bit of a walkover and people pleaser... Time to get assertive, OP. If they don't like it, tough! Who cares about losing friends like that!

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/07/2017 10:31

"Literally all that was said to me back in may was "we may need the odd favour in the holidays" and I just said oh ok!"
So that's what you parrot back to them. "Oh no, your husband said 'the odd favour' - that's way more than that!" That's assuming you're willing to do anything at all now. (I wouldn't be.)

Although personally, I would deal with it now. Your friend has told you of their assumption, so you can't claim you had no idea any more. I am hopeless at lying, so it would come out that I had known for two weeks, and then I would find it very hard to justify not sorting it out as soon as I knew. Get their number off your friend, put on your 'appalled' voice and have to. Have your speech prepared. Write it down if you have to.

"[mutual friend] has told me that you think I am taking care of your children from 6.30 in the morning three or four days every week. I absolutely am not! Your husband casually mentioned that you would be looking for 'the odd favour' - do you seriously think that constitutes 'the odd favour'? Because I really don't! I am not your childminder, and I suggest that's what you start looking for, because I'm no longer willing to do even 'the odd favour'."

If you don't think you can say that over the phone and not be talked round, then text it. But be absolutely clear right from the start that you are doing fuck all for them, not even the odd favour. You do not owe them anything.

Note3 · 03/07/2017 10:32

I have this issue from others. I pay a fortune in childcare before and after school, through holidays where annual leave doesn't cover enough days and I work part time so our children have the benefit of more parental contact and we have a lower childcare bill. Yet a number of school parents interpret this as "oh you're off so you can have my child too" then if I say no its as if I have to have an amazing excuse or I'm unreasonable.

One parent has become 'clever' in how they ask by texting and saying things like "do you still have Wednesdays off" then if I say yes they'll ask a favour for that day. I've had to then come up with excuses as although no should be enough, in reality it's often not and when your child has to see their child most days you don't want bad feeling.

Another parent knows school start time yet always seems to have something that interferes so she asks for ppl to take her child in despite it then putting that parent out. I've got better at avoiding this as it irritates me that again I pay a fortune for breakfast club yet other parents feel everyone should bend over for them for free

OP you need to deal with this now. You've had excellent suggestions and if you don't address it now you can kiss the summer holiday you envisaged goodbye and it will be partly your fault as you've had a warning from your friend of what's coming

MrsHathaway · 03/07/2017 10:33

They aren't friends enough for you to have their mobiles??

Absolutely this. Likely they've already used up all their "favours" Hmm with their actual friends and are casting the net wider in desperation.

And arf at busy being asleep.

AlternativeTentacle · 03/07/2017 10:37

Although personally, I would deal with it now. Your friend has told you of their assumption, so you can't claim you had no idea any more.

The way you explain is sounds very much as if the world is this couple's admin staff. She does not need to claim anything! It isn't a court of law. Nothing has been said since May so nothing has nor will be arranged. End of.

ohtheholidays · 03/07/2017 10:38

You might find this hard but do it for your DC,stop being a wimp and tell them no and tell them now!
This would be a great lesson to teach your DC that you don't do something for someone when that someone has just assumed you will,honestly it's like a form of adult bullying,people like that always target people they know won't say no!

Do it now so they don't turn up at your house when the holidays start!

NataliaOsipova · 03/07/2017 10:41

You might find this hard but do it for your DC,

This is a good point. Apart from anything else, having done other random kids in their space from the crack of dawn is bound to have an impact on them. Why should their holidays be diminished because of the selfishness of other parents?

paxillin · 03/07/2017 10:44

Our primary school has a family like this. They scrounched constant sleepovers. When all their DD's actual friends were no longer allowed, they started on randoms. I had her for a sleepover, DS was most mystified at this sleepover request by a girl he wasn't friends with. I hosted one because I stupidly didn't manage to say "what the hell, I barely know her, in fact DS barely knows her". Girl was really unhappy and acutely aware she was being farmed out. I later heard that others had said no only to find the girl with a rucksack in front of their door, mum waving goodbye as she left.

Stop them right now. Just don't do it. If they turn up, don't open the door, or if you do, say no, today is not good.

iseenodust · 03/07/2017 10:44

6.30am ! Just no. NO !!

Clandestino · 03/07/2017 10:47

This must be the most bizzare thread I've come across in a while.
Someone leaves their kids at home while they trot off on holidays and expect someone who they didn't even really ask to look after them. I find it hard to believe, no offence OP but if they really expect you to do this, they must be living in a completely different universe from the rest of us common people.

SapphireStrange · 03/07/2017 10:48

il say oh I can do the odd day but I'm not available regularly as have plans and can't be committed to set days, and il say I can't do it before 7am. Does that sound ok?

That's more than you need to say.

They haven't actually asked you anything concrete; they mentioned a vague 'odd favour' in passing months ago, and they've raised the subject to your friend but not to you. You're not a mind-reader.

If they ask as a one-off and you can do it, you can say yes; if they assume that means you're available all holidays whenever they want, tell them no. Man up a bit. If it causes 'awkwardness' that's their fault, not yours.

StayAChild · 03/07/2017 10:49

The fact that the entitled dad asked specifically for the first Monday of the holidays and you agreed probably means they are feeling secure that their child care is organised, and they will furnish you with the details once it's imminent, i.e. the Sunday night. Hmm

You need to sort this out pronto. Ask your friend for their number and text that you have arrangements for the holidays and you wanted to make sure they aren't relying on you for childcare, as your friend has suggested they are expecting. If you don't, it will be impossible to say no the day before and you'll be stuck with juggling with them for further days childcare that you feel you can't say no to because they'll be completely stuck. Doing it now gives them chance to sort out alternative care. People like these will just move on to the next unsuspecting suckers.

It's hard to believe that people have so much cheek, but I once did after school care for a child in my DC's class, supposedly for a small fee. The DM completely took the piss, arriving so late to pick her DC up, with a car full of supermarket bags - she'd been shopping after work, while our dinner was ruined. Her DC was constantly asking for food, as was my own DC as they were so hungry. The small fee didn't even cover the cost of fruit and snacks. I became so furious about it that I told her I couldn't do it any more. I never did get the last month's pay, even though I asked for it.

MiniCooperLover · 03/07/2017 10:50

I find it mind blowing that you even had to ask us if you were being unreasonable to say no but please don't be a wimp about this! Make it very clear next time you see either of them that you are looking forward to summer with your children and just your children! Or you'll be back here in 2 weeks time complaining that their children have turned up at 6.30am!

paxillin · 03/07/2017 10:50

Tell yourself "I am my children's advocate. I am saying no to protect their holidays.".

Theresnonamesleft · 03/07/2017 10:50

When you see them later simply say hi so the first Monday of the holidays what time?

THey say the time.

You laugh and say gosh that's early thankfully it's just the one off.

But you said x amount a week.

Erm no I didn't and wouldn't. It's impossible to do more than a one off. I have commitments.

Then just repeat at every mention of it.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 03/07/2017 10:51

Tell the mo. It is then their issue to find an alternative.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 03/07/2017 10:51

Firstly, you don't owe them anything.
Secondly - you're a stay at home Mum, not an unpaid child minder for them.
You mentioned "I'm such a wimp but I don't want awkwardness between us at all" - well then let them know that you're not available as their child minder as it doesn't suit you.
Seriously, if you don't want awkwardness, nip this in the bud now. Don't leave it to fester and become something huge that you can't see a way out of.
Two ready to go text messages that you could write out and pop through their letter box (if you don't have a mobile number for them) were suggested early on in this thread - Ratbag posted at 8:49am and Pictish posted at 9:21am - both are perfectly normal and reasonable messages that will not cause any offence or awkwardness at all.
PLEASE use one of them as you really don't want this becoming the elephant in the room. Send one today. Don't wait. They will appreciate being told now (so they can make alternative arrangements). If you leave it till later on, they will be put out though they don't have reason to because they will not be able to have time to arrange an alternative child minder.

jellybeanteaparty · 03/07/2017 10:52

I would put your big girl pants on and pop round (with a letter in case they are out and your mobile no. on it) Saying that you had been asked to do a favour as a off the cuff comment. You believe the favour is the first Monday of the holidays (only) can they confirm times so you can plan your day. Also you just wanted to let you know this will need to be a one off favour as you do not want any commitments (other than your own plans) for the holidays.