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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends expecting me to look after kids, 6 week holidays.

999 replies

famtastic · 03/07/2017 08:44

I have just found out from another friend, that a couple I'm friendly with who live round the corner told her that I am having their children for them in the summer holidays. It would be 3/4 days a week 6:30am till 10:30am. So in theory we would still have the day after 10:30 to do what we want.

But I have not actually been asked by them! Or had days times mentioned to me. Literally all that was said to me back in may was "we may need the odd favour in the holidays" and I just said oh ok! They didn't elaborate on the favour and I was in the playground taking my kids to school so a bit distracted and didn't ask.

I was looking forward to the summer holidays with my own 2 children ages 3 and 8, lazy mornings and doing what we want, now I feel sick! There is only 2 weeks left and they still haven't mentioned it to me! And surely they can't get anything else sorted now?! Also my husband works 10/11 hours a day and he leaves at 6:50am he won't want anyone round while he's getting ready for a long day at work! And lastly I don't even know their oldest I've met him once for maximum 1minute, their kids are different ages to my two so I can't see how it's going to work well.

Ahh I don't want to do this but I don't know what to do! Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 03/07/2017 14:19

Tell them you can't look after their children. If they try to discuss and reason you out of that stance, tell them no, and that you can't, and you won't discuss it further. Walk away if you have to. Don't give them the chance to change your mind.

MrsWombat · 03/07/2017 14:21

I think you've gone viral OP. The problem might be solved for you?! ShockShockShock

Original poster
famtastic · 03/07/2017 14:21

Oh god have I... off to hide lol

OP posts:
MrsWombat · 03/07/2017 14:22

Mumsnet have shared this on their facebook page!

SparkleMotions · 03/07/2017 14:24

It's ok to say no, don't do it out of some loyalty to this person, she hasn't mentioned anything to you about looking after her Children, so I'm assuming she will get in touch with you last minute saying she's not managed to arrange holiday clubs and ask you. She should have arranged care for her Children, they aren't your responsibility to look after.

paxillin · 03/07/2017 14:25

The thing is, most of us have as many kids as we a) want, b) can afford and c) can look after. The smallest number of those three variables is usually the number of kids. If you had capacity for 2 more you'd have 5 kids, not 3. Their number was clearly 0, but they had them anyway.

Mouikey · 03/07/2017 14:27

The kindest thing you can do for yourself (and sadly them), is let them know now that you are only looking after the children that one day - you can approach it as a clarification of the arrangements of that day. I would then drop in that you are then going away that afternoon and not back for a couple of weeks so that you aren't left in a situation where they dump the kids at your door. If they then see you, just say your plans changed last minute. you need do no more - none of their business.

I will also warn you that you won't come out of this looking good - they sound like the type of people who will then bitch and moan to all and sundry about how you have let them down. Tell them now so you have been super reasonable (without doing the 'favour'!)

Original poster
famtastic · 03/07/2017 14:27

Well that's just my luck, thanks mumsnet BlushBlushlol

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 03/07/2017 14:27

Oh dear.

You're going to end up doing it for them and being really annoyed (and so will we be!).

Can you drop your DC off earlier at school so you don't see them?

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 03/07/2017 14:30

I've thought about childminding for extra pennies but I'm not sure I like kids enough lol!

And that's what you say to them if they don't take no for an answer the first time OP! Make sure you emphasise you've considered it for payment.

Jumpmom1 · 03/07/2017 14:33

No!!! just say it doesn't work for you or your family but u would b willing to do the odd time they are stuck, it's their children and their responsibility! Not yours!!

Aeroflotgirl · 03/07/2017 14:33

Your husband is very sensible, you have to take a leaf out of his book, and if they do rock up at 6:30 send them on their way.

Original poster
famtastic · 03/07/2017 14:35

Our children break up on the 14th so the first Monday is the 17th 2weeks today. Il still do that one and when I double check times I can say no to anything extra then. I am decorating my kitchen and living room too in the holidays so I guess that is a good excuse too.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/07/2017 14:35

Stand firm, their childcare is not your problem, they should have themselves sorted out for holidays, or not work. I know if it was me, the guilt tripping would really put my back up and make me annoyed.

thatdearoctopus · 03/07/2017 14:36

I wouldn't be saying I could do the odd day. Before you know it, that will turn into most of the time.

superfluffyanimal · 03/07/2017 14:38

In your shoes I would be questioning them as even being friends moving forward, if they haven't asked you and arranged this "child care" then I presume that they haven't discussed this with their DC?

They clearly haven't got their DC best interests or considered yours, this is very telling of the type of people that they are.

if they kick up a stink then refer them to www.childcare.co.uk there are lots of options for school holidays on there

Anatidae · 03/07/2017 14:38

You don't give an excuse. An excuse comes across as 'I'd love to, but...'

And they can talk you round. You just say NO

quizqueen · 03/07/2017 14:42

There is only one reason that you should not be doing this 'favour' and that is that you DO NOT WANT TO. Please sort it out now so they 3 weeks left to sort out other childcare arrangements. Just say you had heard from a friend what they expected you to do for them and you are not interested and certainly never agreed to do that. Don't cave in by offering anything at all because it will be sure to escalate and they will keep asking.

Also, don't let them do anything for you so you owe them nothing. I can't believe your other friend does this for nothing for them on a regular basis. If people choose to have children and they work then they need to pay for childcare if relatives can't help out or find someone who will do a similar reciprocal childcare swap which suits everyone. If you agree to do it, please don't come back on here in the future moaning about it.

EnidNextDoor · 03/07/2017 14:43

That's quite shit if mumsnet themselves have shared it.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 03/07/2017 14:44

OP - please please listen! You aren't going to want to do this face to face, so call your mutual friend now - like this minute before you find an excuse to put it off - and ask for the cheeky fucker's phone number.

Then text that you spoke to the cheekyfucker Dad who'd asked if you could do 17th, you said you'd check but actually you are busy, sorry for not being able to let them know sooner.

That way they aren't in your face with you feeling you have to justify it straight away.

Also means they need to find someone else for Monday 17th and don't already have you "booked in" they can ask for the Tuesday etc.

This will also make the conversation be via text so you can just say "no" easier without feeling you have to make up an excuse.

It'll hang over you for the next fortnight until you get it sorted ASAP !

Come on, don't just leave it, you know they are going to try to dump it on you for the rest of the time, and you know you will find it stressful to say no.

Creampastry · 03/07/2017 14:45

If there is a knock on your door at 630 make sure dh answers and says not today or ever!!! Then promptly closes it.

Maryann1975 · 03/07/2017 14:45

I'm a childminder and wouldn't say yes to this. No way do I want to start work at 6.30, so no idea why she thinks anyone would want to if they aren't even getting the benefit of a payment each month!

dustarr73 · 03/07/2017 14:46

Seriously dont even do the 1 day.I wouldnt involve your friend.You have an ally,your dh.He will send them packing.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 03/07/2017 14:46

oh and don't give excuses, as they'll tell you their DCs will be no bother, will entertain your DCs will watch the TV while you get on with jobs....

That's why getting the number nd doing it via text is better, it means you don't get sucked into a whole conversation.

"Have checked and can't do it. Wanted to tell you ASAP so you have time to make other arrangements." No need to say why you can't do it if you aren't having a proper chat.

Original poster
famtastic · 03/07/2017 14:46

I've just booked 8am train tickets for the Tuesday to go visit my parents and sister for 3 days. So I deffo won't be about if they show up that day.

OP posts: