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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends expecting me to look after kids, 6 week holidays.

999 replies

famtastic · 03/07/2017 08:44

I have just found out from another friend, that a couple I'm friendly with who live round the corner told her that I am having their children for them in the summer holidays. It would be 3/4 days a week 6:30am till 10:30am. So in theory we would still have the day after 10:30 to do what we want.

But I have not actually been asked by them! Or had days times mentioned to me. Literally all that was said to me back in may was "we may need the odd favour in the holidays" and I just said oh ok! They didn't elaborate on the favour and I was in the playground taking my kids to school so a bit distracted and didn't ask.

I was looking forward to the summer holidays with my own 2 children ages 3 and 8, lazy mornings and doing what we want, now I feel sick! There is only 2 weeks left and they still haven't mentioned it to me! And surely they can't get anything else sorted now?! Also my husband works 10/11 hours a day and he leaves at 6:50am he won't want anyone round while he's getting ready for a long day at work! And lastly I don't even know their oldest I've met him once for maximum 1minute, their kids are different ages to my two so I can't see how it's going to work well.

Ahh I don't want to do this but I don't know what to do! Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:

Lancelottie · 03/07/2017 13:37

Your excuse is 'God, no. My children would hate that.'

That's all you need.

And I imagine it's perfectly true. Mine would absolutely not have coped with a houseful every morning for weeks. And neither would I.

livefornaps · 03/07/2017 13:38

Alternatively, you could start going to school pick up in your dressing gown & slippers, all while swigging from a massive bottle of vodka. If they look at you strangely, just blithely say, "oh I always tend to relax more in the lead up to the holidays! Wahey!"

Then see if they still ask you. Although they probably would.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/07/2017 13:43

I agree you should talk to them and nip it in the bud. If you think you can elicit the discussion so that it is they, who speak about childcare first, all the better. And if they turn up with the kids in tow, would you call the police or ss if they dump and run?

Lancelottie · 03/07/2017 13:45

Maybe get Friend In The Middle to do it for you. Sometimes it's easier to be firm on someone else's behalf. Get her to send a text:

'Hi, PushyDad. I think you've got your wires crossed, or maybe I misunderstood? I spoke to Fam at the weekend, and she said you mentioned maybe dropping the kids round for the first Monday, but she definitely isn't having them for the rest of the time. She was so appalled at the thought, it was quite funny! I guess you've sorted something else out and it wasn't Fam you meant.'

Hazandduck · 03/07/2017 13:47

You don't owe them an excuse because they haven't asked you yet. Honestly, I have anxiety too, and I know how hard it is when these situations snowball in your head, but I am sure they aren't sat at home worrying about this, and neither should you! If I were you I would use one of the brilliant texts that lots of other people have suggested, send it, and put it out of your mind, just for your own sanity if nothing else. You honestly owe these people nothing, don't let them bully you in to thinking you do. Or, alternatively, go and stay at your mum's house on that Monday so they turn up and there's nobody home :)

WhatchaMaCalllit · 03/07/2017 13:48

Fam understanding that you have issues with anxiety, I really would recommend writing out what Mix56 has just posted. Pop it in an envelope and as you have said these people live around the corner from you so I'd pop it in their letter box as soon as you can.
Don't panic about what they may or may not do or say on the back of that note, as you are wasting head space on that. Prepare yourself if they do show up on the doorstep and say "I wrote you a note and put it through your letter box and said that I wasn't able to look after your two kids during the summer holidays so I really wont be able to look after your two kids".
Write out the note though. Don't wait for something that may not actually happen to happen.
Be proactive in sorting out your own summer holidays. This family are not a part of those plans.

Hazandduck · 03/07/2017 13:48

Good idea @Lancelottie, get your friend to do it, especially if she's in more regular contact.

DarthMaiden · 03/07/2017 13:50

I wouldn't bring it up with them to be honest.

If they asked, I would in all seriousness channel my inner Phoebe and say I didn't want to and walk away.

Simple as that. I wouldn't give any reasons or excuses.

They can say what they like, but it's their job to arrange childcare and frankly the children are old enough to be left at home for a few hours anyway. If they've left it too late to sort something - that's their tough shit.

Most parents meticulously plan and pay for childcare. They don't want to do either and stretch the term favour beyond all rational meaning. What they are asking for is essentially a kids breakfast club for free.

I wouldn't want my holiday routine dictated by getting up at 6am to look after someone else's kids.

If they think that's selfish I could live with that - I think they are cheeky buggers who like to guilt trip others into meeting their parental obligations.

dustarr73 · 03/07/2017 13:51

Get your husband to do it.If hes anything like mine he takes no bs.If you think you will give in,gert your dh to go down and have a word.

RedSkyAtNight · 03/07/2017 13:54

TBH if I had a 10 year old and a 13 year old who were only going to be alone from 6.30am -10.30am - I'd just leave them at home alone on the basis they'd be asleep for a lot of this anyway and would only be getting up/watching tv/playing computer games (perhaps with emergency contact number of friend/neighbour). So I'm finding your friends' attitude extremely odd - they are asking (or not asking) for a huge favour that isn't even necessary!

Original poster

famtastic · 03/07/2017 13:58

Yes I will deal with it, mutual friend is my good friend and she has said she will say to them, that they must have their wires crossed as I'm very busy in the holidays. I'm not at the school today as my child is sick.

I've been friendly with them for a year sometimes a brew before school run, I walk past there's to get to school so often walk there and back with them. I've not met the 13 year old properly as he is at the high school, or in bed when we have on the odd occasion socialised together.

Gosh my husband isn't like me at all he takes no nonsense, so if they did just turn up at 6:30am he would send them off with a few choice words lol.

OP posts:

prettybird · 03/07/2017 13:58

You can just say No.

What can they do about it?

Even if they try to guilt you into taking their children "because there is no-one else they can turn to", they do have a choice: they can leave their kids in their beds and not impose on other people. They can pay novel concept a real childminder. They can take holidays themselves and not assume that other people will pick up after them.

"No, that doesn't work for me". Rinse and repeat. No excuses, no explanations. You are not obliged to explain anything to them. The more you engage with them, the more they will think that they can wear you down.

WhyOhWine · 03/07/2017 13:59

If you dont want to raise the childcare issue with them specifically, could you maybe start a general chat about holiday plans, e.g. Asking them and others who are around, where they are off to? Then take the opportunity to talk about how much you are away and some outings you have planned, stressing also that you are very much looking forward to some lie ins.

Although I would raise it directly, maybe mention the Monday that you have already said yes to, commenting how lucky for them you are free given all your plans, and mention what hours you might be able to do that day.

paxillin · 03/07/2017 14:01

Let's practice the "no way":

Could you do my ironing for the next 8 weeks please, OP? I'll put it outside my door for you to pick up. Oh, and I'd like your car, too.

Original poster

famtastic · 03/07/2017 14:02

No way

OP posts:

dustarr73 · 03/07/2017 14:03

Well get your dh to do it.Get him to open the door and send them packing.

paxillin · 03/07/2017 14:05

But surely you can take (and feed) my kids over the holidays? Teen needs no supervision, but he eats for several. The younger one is the age of your oldest, they'll love it.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 03/07/2017 14:06

lottie has a great idea. Will your friend be on board with doing that to save you? You can't cave. Tough shit if they have nothing else sorted. They haven't contacted you and confirmed it because they know they are taking this piss and they don't want to give you the opportunity to say no. They are hoping they can turn up, tell you you agreed, know that you are a bit of a pushover and will just agree. They know exactly what they are doing. I wouldn't even agree to that Monday. If your friend won't be a go between, I'd grab them and say "oh, just to let you know in advance, I can't do that Monday after all as something has come up. Wanted to give you notice so you can make alternative arrangements." Then just walk away.

Hazandduck · 03/07/2017 14:06

Haha bravo @Fam, you're getting it!

Apairofsparklingeyes · 03/07/2017 14:06

Op, you've had lots of good advice here.

I want to ask you what is the worst that can happen if you say no to doing any childcare. They say something nasty? They won't like you? They bitch about you to other school parents? Honestly, there is far more to be gained by standing up to these people than giving in to them. A few awkward minutes is much better than weeks of anxiety thinking about this. I'd say that if they never speak to you again that's an epic win for you!

crumpet · 03/07/2017 14:07

"You know you said you may need to ask a favour, which day is it and was it just the one day or two days? We're just working out our own plans for the holidays"

Blossomdeary · 03/07/2017 14:10

Just say no!

CJCreggsGoldfish · 03/07/2017 14:16

'Your DH mentioned that you'd need a favour over the summer holidays. Was that just about having the kids on the first Monday?'

I'd nip it in the bud - your anxiety will go into overdrive if you're waiting for her the mention it to you. Take control of the situation (as difficult as that may feel) and you'll feel much better.

Msqueen33 · 03/07/2017 14:17

Crikey some people seriously have a brass neck. I hate the awkwardness and I'm not hugely confident so I'm sensitive to what people say despite them not being sensitive at all. They sound like cheeky, selfish, entitled gits. I'd probably like you worry about it especially if I thought they'd turn up on my doorstep.

Options seem to be: text them
Get mutual friend to sort it
Ignore them when they pitch up

Original poster

famtastic · 03/07/2017 14:18

Yes I will sort it, as it won't stop there. They are under the assumption that they do an awful lot for everyone. They don't. And always saying how that's what friends are for to help each other, then usually ask a favour lol.

I am at home as we don't have family who are able to do childcare as parents all work and my son would really struggle with being somewhere different to school and family.

I've thought about childminding for extra pennies but I'm not sure I like kids enough lol!

OP posts:

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